weneedhelp...
Wow. I am so sorry to hear of the latest development in your marriage. Before I go on and forget, here's a link to a site with a ton of info regarding D in your state:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/usstatedivorcelaws/a/illinois_laws_2.htmAdvice? Wow. I have been mostly retired from these boards and haven't been following much of what is going on these days. Your situation saddens me beyond words, and my heart goes out to you.
I do think that this recurrence of the A with the OM calls for a different tact than the Standard Plan A approach. There are a number of Former and/or Current Betrayed Husbands who are of a mindset that many BH are "too easy" on the WW, and make life too easy for them to waiver in their decision making process. That's what leads many of us BS to feel like doormats, which even you alluded to in one of your recovery updates.
I think the suggestion that you look hard at Dobson's "Love must be Tough" works was right on the mark. I also second the suggestion that you scrape up the money to have a phone session with the Harley's, as they may be able to cut through the new fog in which your WW lives.
If this had happened to me, my first thought would be to file for a D and get the he// out of the relationship, but my kids are grown and the impact on them would be far less than a D would be on yours. Your kids are at a very impressionable age, and truly need two parents.
For that reason alone, I would suggest that you try to save the marriage, not that you have the desire to muster once again the strength and will to do so. But I would think you should be much tougher in your ways and means, leaving her very clear with the fact you only have so much energy left for such an effort.
I believe I would do a "scorched earth" exposure again, to the ones very closest to you and your wife who you believe to be friends of your marriage. Ask them again for their assistance in getting your W to come to her senses. Even though the OM is supposedly in the process of getting a D, I would still make the OM's W very high on the list of exposure. It may help both of you in your respective causes.
Since your counselor basically conspired with her and the A, I would suggest trying to get her to counsel with you and the Harley's. They are renowned for their ability to cut through the fog.
Familiarize yourself with Dobson's approach, and even consider tossing her out and doing Plan B to let her know that you are not willing to support her infidelity in any way. Again, take your lead from the Harley's, as they are experts, and I have no experience with Plan B on which to base my advice.
Choose a time limit for her to "see things your way", and don't make it too long. Your ability to muster the energy to go through all this again will have limitations. Keep your time limit to yourself, and I would suggest it not go beyond 2 months. Then evaluate what will have transpired, and do some soul searching about what your next step(s) should be.
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry this has transpired. You have reached a time in your life that YOU must decide how much more of this you can stand, and how much desire you have to try to save your marriage. You must decide if it is worth the effort. You may have a serial cheater as a W.
Take some time and think through all the advice you are getting on the other thread, and what I've offered here, and make your decision(s) based on what is best for you and your kids, NOT for your W. Right now she must be viewed as an enemy to your family unit.
I hope this helps in some small way. Keep us posted on your thoughts...
sd
