Not sure if this is unusual or not, but our main conflict in my marriage is timing. We have been married for 2 years(been together for 8 years). Our main goals and priorities in life, view of the life etc. are the same. The key conflict is timing in all areas of our lives - from financial decisions, professional and emotional ones. It seems that if we could eliminate timing issue, we could eliminate at least 95% of all conflict.

The wrong timing (one of us wants it now, the other does not) is having really negative impact on the relationship. Just to give examples - we always call each other in the most inappropriate times during the day, vacation planning is close to impossible, shopping, visiting friends, having a party, sex life, cleaning - everything is just off in timing.

At the beginning of our relationship our timing was completely in sync and we had a great time. Not sure when and how it happened, but now our timing is completely opposite. We have tried discussing it and synchronizing it (causes too much sacrifice, dissatisfaction and feeling of unfairness). Nothing seems to be working.

I would greatly appreciate any advise, any suggestions or at least a description of a similar experience.

The only way you'll resolve it is to sit down and iron out how your marriage is going to go. Some people set up a 'discussion' time once a week, just to go over your lives, your schedules, your needs/wants, whatever. Both parties agree to be respectful and helpful for that hour, and to hammer out some decisions you can both live with. It's a little easier to focus on being 'good' to each other for one hour than to try to do it every time you interact.

That sounds very familiar to me. I cannot offer advice, as after 10 years of marriage, there has been no resolution. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread to see if anything works for you.

I've tried talking, but my brick wall doesn't respond.

Thank you MadeInNY. It is really good to hear that someone else understands, too.

I would greatly appreciate any ideas on this or even description of your situation. I searched for answers everywhere, but there is not much stuff on this subject.

Fortunately, we don't have a brick wall situation and we have tried talking, improving communication, planning weekly discussions and scheduling with no success. We have talked about this so much, that at this point I am completely sick of talking.

What should one do, just call it quit (not meant to be) or stay married like this? I can't imagine continuing like this for 10+ more years.

L4,

Welcome to Marriage Builders...

Have you read Dr. Harley's books, read the articles here on this website (The Basic Concepts, ENs, LBs)? If "timing" has been the issue...what you don't feel like doing/not doing at the same time...your work schedule...his work schedule...coordinating is off...and talking, talking, talking doesn't change doing differently....

then this is the best place.

Making your marriage your top priority means brainstorming a lot more options than you've previously considered...changing your jobs/companies/making 20 hours of Undivided Attention (UA) a requirement each week, where you guys fall in love again, just like in the old days...following the four rules of marriage...and thriving again.

Based on the knowledge you both can and will fall in love with each other again and again, meeting ENs and eliminating LBs.

Takes making your choice to love your partner a verb...you act not because you feel like it (backwards)...rather you act and the feelings follow...and they do...love banks fill up...follow the policy of joint agreement...and come together again.

Practicing communication is really important...isn't a solution in itself...it's necessary (we use verbal short-hand over time in marriage, seems to me)...and we re-discover our partners and share ourselves.

If you want to know that you guys did everything possible for your marriage, why not call the Coaching Center for phone counseling? The Harleys can help you come up with a plan, steps to take...and maybe answer your question differently.

Would you both make more happen together, simliar timing, if you weren't reacting to your feelings, and instead, acting from your beliefs...that the marriage comes first? And if you made nothing else come before or between The Marriage, whether you felt like it or not?

I was really surprised how I said my marriage came first when I didn't act to make it number one...how many things I put before it which came between us...when we value the marriage, we experience a valuable union.

LA

My husband and I have similar issues. I was just thinking about this yesterday. If I zig, he zags. We never seem to be in sync.

I think LovingAnyway is right. You both have to make the decision to 'just do it' because it's important to the other person,whether you feel like it or not. That's the hard part to me but then again, we all do things every single day that we don't 'feel' like doing - work, taking care of little kids, chores, etc. At some point, you just have to 'do it' to paraphrase Nike.

Actually, I'm not sure many couples are totally in sync all the time about everything. One thing I am currently trying with my husband is negotiating about things. If he does x with me, then I will do y with him - at least some of the time. This is, in my opinion, a win-win because we both get what we want.

So if he insist we spend the all day Saturday cleaning, then I get to pick an activity for us on Sunday. If he wants a night of guaranteed SF, then he needs to take me out on a date. It seems to be working for us.

Things like talking at work are hard, if you are both busy. We just try to call back as soon as possible. There are days when we play phone-tag for 1/2 the day. Not sure what to do about that. And the vacation thing - some people have a hard time committing to something that far in advance. My sister has a devil of a time getting my brother-in-law to commit because he owns his own business. Now she just makes the reservations and tells him 'we're going'. It works. He gets a little irritated but he always goes and they have a good time.

Also, it is important to realize that a lot of time this represents a 'power struggle' in the relationship. Power struggles tend to escalate over time. You need to be able to agree to put down those swords and learn to share the power. It's not easy, my husband and I are working on this right now. It's very hard, he tends to have a more domineering personality and I end up feeling powerless. When I feel powerless, I then start trying to'control' the little things I think I can - e.g., not doing things when he wants simply because he won't do what I want. That is a hard thing to admit. I am learning to have a strong and active voice in the relationship and he is learning to respect it. When that happens, the 'out of sync' feelings tend to diminish.

It sounds like you both have a list of things you want to buy, or things you want to do. Instead of coming into conflict piecemeal, sit down together and list them all out and negotiate a plan together.

1. List of of his wants. List all your wants.

2. Make a list of what you both want.

3. Make a list of each of you of what you just want for yourself.

4. Discuss a little bit the things only you want, and only he wants. Just write down why you want them.

5. Prioritize the list of common wants, and put some order and timelines to the list. Some things naturally fall behind others.

6. Then, if you must revisit your separate wants, write down beside them where you think they fit, order wise, into your list of common wants. Having separate wants is not unreasonable, because men and women are different, and people have different hobbies. But ask yourself if your personal wants really are important enough to push aside something that would make you both happy.