A lot of us seem to have spouses who do not want to discuss issues, large or small. They can't stick to a topic, or blow up, wander, garbage dump, make demands, etc.

Before telephones, lovers wrote letters. I like writing, and still write letters. There is something more measured about something written by hand permanently on paper.

I wondered how many of you have tried letters to open discussion or explain your feelings when talking was not working. What worked and didn't work for you, and why do you think that was so?

Retread,

I wanted to contribute a perspective...that in marriage, time matters. There are times of crisis and non-crisis...i.e., infidelity...when breathing, let alone communication, can become exceedingly difficult, seemingly unmanageable. When letters, exchanging a notebook back and forth, is the safest way to communicate.

Often, we take what we do now as forever. We see it as always communicating this way because we are right now. People change...our circumstances change...we go from crisis to non-crisis (and hopefully be safe for our spouses to share with in all forms).

I understand what works for you, and applaud your perspective. In my marriage, I would write letters, emails, etc...and my DH does not like to read. So he saw them as an LB, felt controlled and pressured when I would write. Even long into recovery, reading isn't his thing...because he doesn't want to reply, especially in writing.

He's okay if I'm okay with a two-word reply, or a two-sentence one.

Guess what? I am. Because he's been verbally sharing with me his reply. And when he doesn't, I'm okay with that, too...when I share with him that way, I let his response go. Mostly, though, I don't write to him...only share links and forwards I believe he may find interesting.

If it's non-crisis time, I would't advise writing letters when it's LBs from your spouse. That, to me, seems CA. I would suggest healthier boundary enforcements...and part of what you listed falls into Annoying Habits, and another part into DJs on your part and LBs from your spouse.

I'm a safe harbor for my DH to talk about his work (without me suggesting how to fix anything) because I'm okay with listening to him and affirming I'm listening. So I'm okay with a garbage dump, within a limit. Can't take up more time than he shares about his own thoughts (non-work related), feelings, stuff...means it becomes an LB when sole-focus goes to it, because then I do feel used and disregarded.

I go for balance now...not one or the other...part of both. That way, it's negotiable...and it's okay if he can't stick to one topic, not okay with me if he's sharing and not listening when I share, too.

LA

This is a very interesting question. My H and I used to write to one another all of the all of the time. Then as we settled into marriage, careers, life, we just stopped. We talked about sending each other emails when we are unable to speak to one another w/o blowing up, however I fear that anything I put in black/white will later be used against me.

I tried writing on a few occasions, but didn't get much of a response. The responses were typically condescending, and felt rather insincere. So, I just stopped.

I now say very little, only what's necessary to communicate. Ironically, I'm a very open person, but feel like a stranger around my H.

Gosh, I didn't consider that some people would see letter writing as a bad thing, a condescending DJ.

I was thinking of using letters to express good thoughts and feelings, or maybe try to explain your side of an issue that was too volatile the last time you tried verbal conversation.

I used to have to travel a lot, and still travel somewhere and get home late most days, so I used to write letters and send flowers to my wife, especially when she was trying to raise small children by herself while I was out of town for 2 weeks. Now, I do send an occasional e-mail on an issue.

The last time was after a major argument that began over nothing. I laid down some rules for the future about what we were and were not going to argue about, and how we were going to do it. She did not respond, but she smoldered for a week, so I didn't expect her to respond.

On the flipside of what everyone else is saying, I've used writing pretty effectively in the past. This was brought up on my thread yesterday. I think it "can" take some of the sting out of what you say because you can temper your response if you're having problems controlling yourself verbally. I do always feel like I've failed somehow though, that I can't communicate verbally effectively with my spouse. Just a thought.

TC

Retread ~ My H and I have found that letter/email writing works well. We have discussed this with our MC and he agrees that we need to do what works for US. I will send him a letter in WORD format via email. He will read it and then we discuss it at home later that.

I have found for myself that by putting it in writing I can better say exactly what I want to say and he has an easier time understanding my point. By using a letter, I have all day usually to think about what I'm trying to say and can edit my letter before sending it. When I am in an emotional state (which is often) I tend to not say what I really want to say. Also by putting it in writing it there for both of us to re-read.

I found writing to be both good and bad. Sometimes, in emotionally charged situations it was helpful. It allowed me to be heard by my husband instead of him coming right back with a reason or defense. He admits that doesn't understand "feelings" very well.

By writing an email it gave him a chance to think it over and often times he would read it a few times during the day and it helped him to understand how I felt a little better. It's really hard to be heard by someone who is formulating an excuse while you are talking. Writing also helps to stay on topic. It gets so frustrating to open a discussion about one thing and find yourself in an argument about something entirely different - which is what we usually end up doing.

On the flip side, he isn't much of a writer. Some of his responses were written so quickly that they conveyed anger which wasn't his goal. He is better at expressing himself verbally so I don't mind that he doesn't write to me. We are still working on listening.

There is no law that says you have to have a response to your letter, much less a written chain of conversation. Lots of letters just went one way, and got the job done. When my father passed away, my cousins went through his sisters' letters from WWII, and sent his letters to me. He couldn't get a response where he was, and didn't expect one. He just wanted to chat like he was there on the porch with them, joke, poke fun, and make them think everything was going great.

My husband and I have done it both ways. Sometimes he responses in writing then emails it back to me and sometimes we just talk about it that evening. It really depends on the topic and whether I have questions or not. I usually tell him that he does not need to respond in writing so that there is no pressure for him to do so.