Is it ever too late to expose? We're 5 months out from DDay 1 (4/13) and 5 weeks out from DDay 2 (8/8).

I want to expose to the OWH (he's really just a Significate Other of 9 years). I told H that this is what I was going to do and his response was that I could do whatever I felt like I needed to do, but would this bring 'her' back into our lives when we have finally gotten her out...which is a big fear of mine. They worked at the same company until 2 weeks ago when she quit so there's been NC for 2 weeks and I'm afraid by exposing to her S.O. it will cause her to call him.

HELP!! What should I do? Is it worth the risk 5 months out for DDAY1??

BS 45 (me)
WH 41
Married 18 years
together 20 years
3 great kids

DDay 1 4/13/08
DDay 2 (contact via IM) 8/8/08
NC email sent 8/15/08

OWH deserves to know. He will also be your ally in ensuring there is NC.

I take it then that they're not M'd? Yes, expose immediately. He needs to know what his GF is like BEFORE committing to anything more serious with her.

No, she is not 'married' to him but they do live together and have a child. She is one of 'those' women that see's nothing wrong with what she was doing with my husband.

I only have an email address for him, is it all right to send an email?

Tabby~ I agree 100% that he needs to know. If the roles were reversed, I would want him to tell me. I guess what holds me back is will this bring that HER back into our life???

she has only been out for 5 weeks not 5 months....right?

doesn't she deserve some consequences too?

maybe this will teach her to stay home and mind her own affairs (pun intended...)

Is it a work email or some type of email that can help you find his phone number? Do you have his name? The trouble with email is somebody else could read it and delete it first. Or it could end up being treated as spam.

Lexxxy....Yes, the last contact was 5 weeks ago and I do think that her S.O. needs to know. I think by not telling himm, she gets off scott free for her part in the EA. that she was involved in with my husband.

It's a work email address. I know his name and have searched whitepages.com and a few other places and cannot find a home phone# under either of their names. So I'm stuck with using a work email address.

If he has a work email, can't you phone his work?

The reason for exposure is to break up the A, not for revenge or to make sure she doesn't "get off scott free".

If the A is over and you are certain, think long and hard about exposing. Once you do it, you cannot undo it. What if exposure causes her relationship to fail and she end up crying in your SO's arms?

I do not want to call anyone at work and tell them that their S.O. has been having an EA with another man and their relationship is in trouble. No one deserves that. To me that would be like hurting him not her

Call him up and set up a meeting or appointment. Bring evidence.

How is calling him any different from emailing him at work? The only difference is the personal touch of calling or meeting in person is much more credible.

And Jim, he has a right to know.

The EA is over as far as I know. He sent her an NC on 8/15 which I approved and he copied me on. I want to believ my H when he says that he does not have nor does he want any contact with her, but how can I really be sure?? Does exposing at this time help or hurt me since my H says that it is over??

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Part of me says her S.O. needs to know so that she doesn't try to contact my H and the other part says what if by exposing her, she does contact him because she will be p!ssed!!! Do I leave well enough alone at this point? Do I just work on my marriage and getting past this or do I chance her contacting him? SHe has his email address and cell #. I have a key logger on his laptop but since his company was acquired a few months back he no longer has Outlook which I got all the emails on, he now has Lotus Notes which I don't get any. All I get is screen shots and key strokes so if she emailed him, unless he responded, I wouldn't know unless he told me.

I'm almost on my first antiversary day. My dday was 9/18/07.

I never got to tell MOW's BH. I tried and he thought I was crazy.

Long story short - I never told.

Right now it is only revenge that makes me want to send every ounce of proof I have. You're H is right. Doing it would only open the door for her to come back into your lives.

I wouldn't tell, but that's JMHO.

Thanks Wookiegirl. I struggle with whether I want to just do this for revenge or not. My H has told me that if it was something that I felt like I needed to do, then do it but to know what the fallout could be. I 'think' he's looking out for me for the first time in a very long time but after finding out that my H of 18 years was have an EA with that COW I have a hard time believing him. That he's not just looking out for himself.

I've been faced with the same dilemma, and my FWH's was the same as yours - he was afraid the tramp would contact him. I'm a little further out than you - a little over 2 months now - but I just accidentally discovered OW's BF's phone number last night. Originally I tried to contact the BF through MySpace, but deleted my account so I don't know if he ever got those messages or not. Part of me is tempted to find out his address and send him copies of our phone bill along with a letter so he can see they were calling each other pretty frequently. Like you, I'm worried about that spurring OW to start contacting my husband too. On the one hand I feel like he has a right to know that he's involved with a tramp, but on the other I also know it would be an attempt to get back at her, and I don't think that's really the purpose behind exposure.

Broken ~ what do we do?? I DO NOT want that COW contacting my husband. Even though I am a Non confrontational person, if she contacted him, I would have to track her down and beat the snot out of her

Hi JoJo,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry that you have to be here but I believe that you will find under the circumstances, it is a good place to be.

I think that you should expose. Her DH deserves to know and make an informed decision as to whether he wants to continue to be married to her. That is not revenge. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

You are not far enough into NC that you could not also use the accountability of having them watched from that end.

God's Blessings,

Say

She's not married to him though. They have lived together for 9 years but there are not vows. I know that he has the right to know, but am I cutting my own throat by taking care of his right to know? Even though my moral side wants to tell him, my self preservation part wants to not take the chance. So what part do I listen too??