Let's plan to talk tomorrow. It's been way too long. Do you have my email to send your number to me?

Glad to hear from you, that you're moving along as best as possible.

Hi Mimi,

I can't possibly explain how much I miss you. I miss Plan A and doing something. It will be 6 months on Wednesday since in Plan B and not one word has been uttered to each other.

Not one word, after 30 years of being best friends, raising children and being married, not one word. Would he even care if I dropped dead? Or is he just another human being? I guess I can look at it this way. I am giving it two years, so I only have 18 months left. How ironic, next month, within days it will be the 17 month for both. 17 months from D-day and 17 months until I what do I say, walk away and give up all hope of him ever coming home? Oh well, I don't need to even think about that now. Today it's magnificent out there, today I can go to the pool and enjoy it one more time and today my Redskins play the Saints.

So, I am doing the very best that I can and moving along as G-d wants. Or I certainly hope so.

But enough selfishness. My prayers are those in Texas are doing ok....

Hi Mark,

I missed this post, sorry about that.

I'm hanging in there. The reality of WH not coming home continues to settle in more and more, probably because of the 6 months Plan B anniversary around the corner.

He just walked away and lives a new life with nothing from the past. I just can't imagine that, nor do I know how to walk away like he did.

I keep thinking our love can survive this, but who am I kidding, people continually tell me our relationship just wasn't healthy from the start and yet, I keep believing that G-d can make this work out.

How are you?

I was going to ask "So what am I, chopped liver?"

I figured you'd get around to talking to me eventually.

We had to cancel church this morning due to high water on the church grounds and covering the road leading to the church.

We started getting rain on Thursday morning and it hasn't really stopped since. Our rain now is what's left of Ike but before Ike even made landfall in Texas we were getting drenched by a tropical system that came in from the Pacific last week. We had as much as 8" of rain in the Chicago area by sunset last night and it hasn't quite raining yet.

The COE opened the locks on the Chicago River this morning for the first time in over 20 years and let the water of the Chicago River run into Lake Michigan.

I'm about to go out with my camera to take some pictures just to document some of the flooding.

Mark

Oy Vey Mark,

Wow, think about how high regard Jews have for chopped liver.

Why almost a king I would say.



Is there anyway you can post those pictures. That would be something to behold... It's just another gorgeous magnificent day here in the PNW. I'm heading to the pool in a half hour when it opens.

Skins are winning by 2 which is very cool. Saints are actually making a run to score before halftime. UGH....

Queenie,


Sounds like an excellent day for you!

Sweet!

Queenie,

Well, my Bears lost but the Cubbies not only won but Z pitched a no hitter!

Today Ted Lilly has a no hitter through the first 5 when I came in here to log on.

At least the weekend wasn't a total waste.

We had to get a boat to take our youth pastor and his wife out of the house on the grounds with the church. Water isn't into the house or the church yet but keeps coming closer.

I took a few pictures yesterday but couldn't get to the church to shoot there without wading so I just headed home. I will try to find someplace to start an account that I can post them on if you really want to see them.

I've been out fishing all morning and just finished lunch about an hour ago and will be back on the water within an hour. I love this time of year out here (our vacation property.) Almost nobody else is around and I pretty much have the place to myself.

How'd the Skins' game turn out. I didn't see it and haven't looked at the scores yet?

Mark

Hey Bugs,

I am very fortunate in that I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend. I love the sun and here is may be around one more week. Woo Hoo.

Hey Mark,

The Skins ended up winning 29-22. Campbell threw a 67 yard TD pass to Santana Moss with 3 minutes left. Oh yes... I'll take that any day.

I heard about the no hitter. How cool. I love Lou. Just miss him lots. Yes, I would love to see the pictures. It helps to remind me of things to be truly focused on.

What kind of fish do you get and do you freeze them for winter or eat right away.

Hi Queenie,

....been busy a bit, too...so just got caught up on your thread!

WOW! ...a few more days with no news and you may have gotten those 'Without a Trace' FBI people checking up on you!

I also was glad to hear it was just regular 'busy-ness' that kept you away....

QUEENIE

Yesterday, I hit a sidewalk and cut a gash in a tire. Fortunately, the tire was on my new-old-clunkermobile and it was worn unevenly so it was toast, anyway.

I went to get tires and found out they had the wrong size tires on the car. Having different sized tires on each end of the car would be bad for the transmission. The tires on the back were still good but I ended up having to buy four tires unless I wanted to go back home and do more shopping around for tires that would be bad for the car.

Are you confused yet? :crosseyedcrazy:

Hi Queenie! (JT waving from under the harvest moon)

I hope that things are starting to run more smoothly at school now that the dust has settled from the first two weeks. I love these full moon nights walking with the puppies.

Just wanted to let you know I'm still around. Maybe we can get together soon...that would be great.

Love ya'

All sounds well here...just stopped in to say hi, trying to get away from life here but at the same time protect myself from all of the heartache we get to read in the threads here...know what I mean?

good to hear you cheerful...hugs to you
Rin

Hi Luna, Cinder, and JT,

Thanks for checking up on me. I had a long talk with Mimi tonight and she has encouraged me to be a little more up front about what is going on and my feelings.

When I first came here I was totally broken down as a human being. I couldn't believe what was happening, I didn't want to live because I didn't want to feel the pain of what was happening or even begin to accept the reality of what was going on. I bought into that affairs never last and the WH is in an addiction and that there is a script of what is happening and if you just follow the plans it will be ok.

It was brought up many times that the first book to read is Surviving An Affair, not that you get your marriage back, but that you can survive. But I didn't want to survive. I didn't want to live without my H. He was all I knew. Yes we had problems, yes deep seeded ones and yes I made HUGE mistakes and took my marriage for granted, blah... blah.... blah....

This pain that was unimaginable horror, didn't go away and didn't go away and didn't go away. People who I counted on for love and support told me I was stupid, that WH wasn't coming home and I had to forget him and move on.

And people on here, gently encouraged me to develop Plan A and work it to the best of my ability. I saw moments of reaction from H, but mostly WH is in control. Time and time again WH would do the most stupid, selfish, painful hurts and inside I would die a little more, not knowing or even wanting to go on another day.

And then it became painfully obvious Plan B was my only route, I wanted to sustain Plan A longer, I probably even could to some extent, but the returns were lessoning and WH was becoming more and more in control.

Hi Rin,

Thanks for stopping by. For the most part I am doing ok, but I am also struggling, maybe it's the fact that I have been in Plan B for six months and I miss my H more than I did before. Yes, life is going on. Yes, I am doing things, keeping busy, creating a life for me and my kids.

I feel lost in Plan B. I feel like I am doing nothing but living a life I don't want to live because I had no other choice and each day that goes by, I lose more of myself and my marriage. Do I even have a marriage, am I even a wife anymore. What am I really fighting for.

A man that doesn't care whether I am alive or dead, who cares only for himself and the love of his life, who has in most terms completely abandoned his children and pretty much destroyed 2 out of 3 realtionships with his children. He doesn't care if the bills are paid if his children go hungry or don't have the money to keep doing the things they were doing before this mess.

Instead of slamming him out of my life, I took on the excuses, I layed the blame at my feet and began to change me, to become the woman that G-d has always envisioned for me hoping that G-d would give me just a chance. And I waited and I prayed and I hoped and I walked in faith and I learned to trust G-d. I read scripture I was thirsty for the parts that would help me get by another lonely empty day.

But then life did get somewhat better. That debilitating pain isn't there anymore, just a longing sadness for my children, for my family and for myself. I can go to bed now and talk to G-d and not have my H be the first and last thing I think about. I can pretty much concentrate like I used to and change my thinking when the sadness starts to take hold. I've learned to redirect the stinkin thinkin.

I have learned to truly be happy for those of you who are reaping the benefits of restored marriages, of personaly growth etc, because we have to. We have to support each other and keep supporting each other.

But what do I feel. I feel the loss of the man I love, my best friend, my partner in life. I feel the loss of my safety, my security which is a huge EN. I have learned to survive on my own, to do without financially. I have learned that money doesn't buy happines, broke sucks and I would still prefer to have money.

I have entertained the extent to which I have been abused by my H and certainly by the WH. And I keep on praying for G-d to restore my M. Is it because I love him, took those vows or was so dependent on him that I just can't make my life without him. The short term, but simply not the rest of my life.

I try to be like everyone else, strong, able to keep moving on, keeping a stiff upper lip and doing what is suggested. But the plan fact is, I am in pain still. I hide the pain because I think I should be over this. But I'm not.

I loved a man for 30 years who threw me away like garbage and told me that he wanted something more in life than to be married to his best friend. Over and over his choice was a crack addict with hep c and he just left.

And then the addiction reality comes in. My H is an addict/alcholic who is so far into his addiction that he probably will take years to understand what he has done if ever. So I wait for something that I am supposed to keep having faith in and believe that G-d has a better plan only the simply truth life is on hold.

I'm the doer, the fixer and in this sitch, I can't do anything but take care of myself and build a new life. A life I don't want to participate in, but have to because I have children who need me.

I have no doubts, I'll survive. I have no doubts, there were lessons in life I had to learn. I have no doubts that my heart and this pain will be a part of me for all the days of my life.

Plan B, I think is boring, you aren't doing anything and so I felt like I didn't have anything to offer. Mimi, my mentor suggested otherwise, so here you go. I'm offering what I can.

The truth is, I need you all just as much as I did in those early days only differently. I need your help to continue moving on because I don't want to.

Please help me, please know I am trying so hard, and please know I am here for anyone of you who needs me.

The last thing on my heart. Did I go into Plan B too early. Would it have been better to keep doing Plan A and let my love for him be lost so that it didn't matter whether he came home or not.

But that I stopped loving him. The plans work. I did a great Plan A, it didn't bring him home like Dr. Harley says it doesn't. And Plan B is designed to preserve my love for H should he ever wake up and want to come home. But that hurts just as much. I'm waiting for something with all this love and energy in my heart to walk through and there is nothing....

But keep walking in faith... and hoping.... one day I will hear my H's voice say to me Bright Eyes, I love you.

That is all I ever want in life are those 5 words in that voice of his that I know without a doubt that it's over.

Please pray for his downfall. Please pray that G-d reaches him and brings him home for us to begin the hard task of recovery and giving hope to people on here.

Oh Believer, I need you. The carpo tunnel message - almost all affairs never last. But why is this one lasting? What is it that is driving the sickness do deep, so deadly taken hold?

Well, you have summed up alot of my feelings...and I'm sure alot of others here too...

I don't read here a lot anymore...it hurts...hence the reason why I don't post or haven't posted...i feel your pain and I know it all to well...

I agree that I need the ppl here as much as I did back then...if for anything but a reality check, to see what I don't see...to help keep the faith that there is something better than once was...

I don't understand being thrown aside for less than what he had before...I don't get being trading in Steak for chopped liver...but that's something that I can't allow myself to think about because it's depressing...and will just bring me down...I can't allow that to happen...that's stops progress and the forward motion...

Another times I don't post, because I don't feel that I have anything worth while to offer...

You know those letters for kids that you put on the frig...well, i have spelled out that "God plan is better than mine!" A daily reminder that better will come...doesn't stop the grieving for once was...or at least what I thought I had, which was completely messed up to begin with, just I refused to see it, hoping and wishing that things would change...living in my own fantasy world... I was pretending to be someone that I wasn't for a long time and lost myself in the process...no, I didn't know who I was to begin with...not really...


I wanted things to change but I didn't know how to change them...I can say that I'm happier today with me than I ever was and for that I'm grateful...but I do get lonely and wish that I had someone to love and to love me...I don't want scrapes anymore...

I hope that you can relate and something I say helps in some form or fashion...but in my interaction with XWH over the last what ten months...which has been few and far between...I can't accept what he has to offer me anymore...it's nothing but heartache and pain...and I refuse to go back to that...to always be second in his book...whether that's to hunting, his toys, his women, whatever he choice to put before his family...

My question to you is what do you really want? Do you really want to be second to someone's addiction, whatever that addiction may be? Or do you want someone who gives as much as they receive? It's possible, it's out there...

I think it's the doer in us that gets the best of us...we're not happy sitting still...learning to be a human being and not a human doing...wow, that's tough huh? Is for me!

And it's not that we are unlovable...we are great ppl, changed ppl, for the better...but it's sad and unfortunately it's going to take time...for every five years in, it's going to take a year out...LOL, that's sucks too!

You are doing great...hard to see yourself...but you are!

Hey Queenie,
I;ve just started to catch up on your thread, but saw this post.

Here is a and a for you, while I catch up.

Thanks Lil,

I'm trying to catch up on everyone's as well. Seems to be the common theme of the night.

Anyone heard from Jamesus lately?

Ah Queenie,

I am so sorry you are having a bad moment. It sux. I wish i knew what to say to you to make it all better but i don't

I'm no Believer but I do know the stats.
97% of all affairs will end within 2 years.
Of the 3% that go onto marriage, 75% will not last beyond 6 years.
Thats .75%, not even a whole percent of the original number.

Nearly all affairs end Queenie.