Hi QUEENIE,


OOOHH...Queenie.... please don't hesitate to lighten your heart's and mind's load....it's what we are here for!

What else are you feeling? What would you want to say to WS if he was right there in front of you?

It sounds like hearing about your WS triggered stuff.... it's OK... it's not always bad.... it gives a chance for emotions that are there, a chance to COME UP and be HEARD... and I am not surprised to hear that there is a lot of PAIN, and that you're TIRED and DISCOURAGED (or maybe I am just projecting)

If you don't have the answers now....they will come to you with time...and I am sorry...I know it may not be what you want to hear...

These are the times I wish I could really reach out and give you a REAL hug..... would you do that for me? (left hand on right shoulder and right hand on left shoulder....ME giving you a hug!)

Queenie

You are so right Cinders, his happiness isn't in my control or even in my life. I just love the darn man, well my H, but it looks like my H is dead and gone.

Just complete confusion sometimes. What triggers me is hearing how he has just simply created a new life for himself and that he has completely and utterly blocked his former life away and doesn't feel anything. I can't comprehend.

What would I say to the WH? Absolutely NOTHING. Not one word. I would get away from him as fast and as far as possible. I HATE him, I can't stand him. There is NO TALKING to him. He is cold, empty, not my H and I want NOTHING to do with him. Besides what could I say to him. He has no respect for me, doesn't see me as his wife, just a nothing person, ugly, fat and no one he ever cared about.

Yes, hearing about the WH triggered me big time. But I finally told my friend to stop telling me about him. I didn't want to hear about it anymore. I had never done that before. There is no point. He is a stranger to me.

A man I loved and lived with for over 30 years is a total stranger today and who knows if I will ever see the man I married again.

I just will keep praying for his guidance.

It just hurts...

Hi Queenie,




Yes it does.....

and, as Cind says, there is nothing you can do about your WS...

...and I am glad to hear that you asked friend NOT to continue, for QUEENIE's sake....and why Plan B, NOT TO SEE/HEAR/KNOW anything about WS, is to help PROTECT you from experiencing the PAIN in these huge BIG waves....while you learn and have the time HEAL the wound, put boundaries in place, become intolerable to abuse, and all those things required to have a HEALTHY R, whether with WS or not...

I am going back to sleep, because here it's the middle of the night...in addition to acknowledging your PAIN, stop friend from continue talking... is there anything else you CAN DO that would be helpful to you....RIGHT NOW?

Hi Luna,

Keeping as close to G-d as I possibly can be.

Because like you, I can't sleep and my mind is all over the place of disbelief, pain, denial, all the stuff from the beginning. I just simply can't have any news about WH because it totally sends me into the ickiness and sadness.

Oh Luna, when does it STOP. Why does G-d need us to keep loving them and feeling this. Why can't we block it out like they have so easily done.

How can a man walk away from his children like WH has and be ok with himself. Live a life that he is living. I want that dose of fantasy. I don't want reality anymore.

I'm struggling to breath tonight, the sound in my ear is defening, the heaviness in my heart. I want out!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to fall asleep again and have that nightmare of him in it. Please G-d make this nightmare stop tonight. Please....

Hi Queenie,

How are you doing?

I am sooo sorry for the pain, Queenie.


Queenie, I am worried about you when I read this... and I hope you were/are able to call someone, or a hotline of some sort to help you through the acute pain...I remember you attending AL-NON meetings...are you matched with a sponsor?.. you are best not to be dealing alone when feeling so low.

Waiting to hear some news from you.

...and I did read the rest of your post, Queenie.

I feel a little powerless to help...so went ahead with the rest of your post....for when you are feeling better...


OK...so you will do better NEXT time...hear even LESS.... because what you DID hear sent you to a place you don't want to go...



Queenie, do you really think that being insensitive and inconsiderate to yourself and others just so you won't feel the pain is the way you want to be in this world? ....I try to see pain, although at times intolerable, as just a 'message' telling us that needs are not being met (as if we didn't know that already? :crosseyedcrazy:)...and I try to remove the focus from the pain to 'figuring out' what the need is....and see what 'I' CAN DO about it....


Do you really believe this, Queenie? I thought that was the problem with addiction...not being able to stop doing something even though 'somehow' knowing that it's not healthy and hurting everyone around you...and wanting the next 'fix' to help forget?

...please give us a SIGN as soon as you can on how you are doing....it would really help...


((((((((((((((((QUEENIE)))))))))))))))))

Hi Luna,

I'm ok. I'm not going to do anything. I just want out of my skin, out of my feelings, out of this sadness. I pushed it down and then hearing about WH just pushed it back up.

The need I have is too love someone and be loved. I am learning to take care of myself, accept myself and yes love myself. But the truth is it isn't a man and it isn't the same. And I just miss the physical ness of a relationship. Remember, WH withheld physical touch from me for over a year while he was in the A and said he couldn't trust me and I wasn't safe.

Yes, there are things I can do, but the truth is I want the intimacy and I'm just not getting it.

And no of course not, I don't want to REALLY have those characteristics of WH, insensitive, uncaring, stupid, life in fantasy, it just was night, the pain was so strong and I was alone in bed.

That is the problem with addiction, but you know what it still somedays seems better than reality. But then I just realized that of course he couldn't face reality of what he has done because it's too destructive so he just lives in that addiction full time to escape the pain. If it were drugs/alcohol it would be a lot easier. But a white trailier trash creature, and him not using just makes it harder to accept and longer for recovery to happen.

Because the truth is he could lie to himself forever to escape the pain that he lives in. And that's why he is doing what he is doing, because he can't deal with pain, the real honest truth pain and now what he has done has created the worst possible pain for the man I love and he is so far gone, who knows if he ever comes around.

So on the one hand, I can completely relate, but on the other hand, I'm selfish, self-seeking enought to want to feel like a woman and be touched and held and told I am a human being other than a thrown away wife.

I will get through this, but for all of us, the wave just came in and I need to ride it, learn the lessons, wait for it to leave and pick myself up and keep going.

Thank you Luna for caring.... I really appreciate your concern and your words. You are one smart cookie!!!!!!!!!!!!

LUNA

Hi Queenie,

We all feel your pain. We've been there and still go there just as you do. It's a normal process. I do the same thing whenever I hear anything about WH. It's just better not to hear anything at all.

Question - Are you sure your WH is not using? I would think that it would be hard to live with someone who is and not fall into it again if you have had problems with it in the past. Just his behavior seems to point to it. In any case, I believe that you are right about everything else. If they totally ignore us and everything they left behind, they don't have to face the reality of the situation. It's easier that way. Just as we have Plan B as our defense mechanism, they have that as theirs.

He does it the same way anyone sins. He buys the lie that he has the right to choose for himself what is right and what is wrong. He accepts as his own the authority that belongs only to God.

He does it by transferring his own guilt for what he has done to others. He blames you, the kids, even CrackHo for the choices he has made.

Just like Eve believed the serpent and bought the lie that she had the right to choose for herself what is good. Just like Eve when asked by God if she had eaten of the tree He had forbidden said "The serpent made me do it."

And when Adam was asked why he ate too said "The woman that YOU gave me..."

Those lost in their own sin even blame God for their sin...

The prophet Hosea was told by God to take as his wife a woman who had very loose morals. She cheated with other men and even bore children by those other men. Hosea let her go her own way and she became a prostitute, ending up at the lowest point of society.

It wasn't till she hit bottom and had gone as low as she could go that God sent her husband to redeem her. He bought her back for half the price of a typical slave. She was worth only half as much as any other human life. She had sunk so low she was really sub-human.

The story of Hosea and his wife Gomer was the story of God and His bride, Israel. It is really the story of all mankind. When we have seen Him and still go our own way, when we know the truth and still choose to follow the lie, He let's us go our own way.

Those that plummet quickly to the bottom and hit the point of coming to the end of themselves are those who think that what they are doing is the right way to go.

Those that take longer to get to the bottom and find themselves in need of redemption as their only hope are the ones that know they are going the wrong direction and try in desperation to cling to some semblance of what they really know is right. They struggle against not only God but also themselves, for they KNOW that what they do is wrong and yet they choose to continue. They do this because they believe it is already too late to turn back. They claw and fight to keep from falling only to tumble over the edge in the end.

And Then, God can pick them up and return them to where they should be.


Sadly, some fight to keep from the consequences of their choices until the day they die. But some look up from the gutter their life has become and cry out for help and find the very hand of God pulling them back into the land of the living.

You see Queenie, you understand this from AA. It is really something that is common to all mankind. We are all addicted to having things our own way and until we want to change, God just lets us continue the way we are going.

How does your WH turn his back on his family? The same way he turned his back on God. Just like God removed his hand of protection from Israel and let the nation be conquered and returned to slavery once more, God will let your WH slide as far as he needs to go and watch him fall till he wants to stop.

Your WH is prolonging that eventual bottom by attempting to make normal what he is doing. He has made adultery his normal way of life and is trying to make it right though he himself knows it is not.

Proverbs 14:27

The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.

(((((((Queenie))))))))

Sweetie, Honey.....you will be okay. BELIEVE THAT...look at where you are today VS. a year ago. Yes, you are still having bad days and moments, but they seem to be fading in frequency for you.

And you cannot block it out because you learned better. You looked your marriage straight in the eyes and acknowledged your mistakes. It takes a BIG AND STRONG person to do that. Your WS is not there. And he may never get there. I wish so bad I could look into the future and tell you what may happen, but I can't. Today though I can give you my shoulder and let you lean on us for support......


I love ya honey....I want well for you.....oh, and before I forget....YEAH YEAH YEAH on those tickets. See how well you are loved and blessed????......

Not2fun

Queenie,

Oh honey, your pain and dispair just touch me. And luna is right,,,,next time you are that low, call someone to help you. Heck, CALL ME....you have my number and if not, I can give it to you again. I may not be close enough to come over, but I will help talk you through it......

And as far as wanting to love someone and be loved. It is happening. Maybe not in a "romantic" way, which is what you are missing, but look around you. You have so many on here who love you, your children, your synagog....hey, those tickets ALONE prove that...(so who you gonna take??? I can book a flight out if you want....wink wink...). YOu spread so much joy...to all of us.....

not2fun

QUEENIE!!!!!

I once had a therapist who like to focus on spiritual healing. So, we talked G-d and FOO issues and about healing and letting go.

When there is a poison in your life, you have to give up your hold on it. We did a lot of interactive prayer and visioning stuff. One of the prayers was to help me release then-stbx from my heart. So, while Mona prayed, I had to tell her what I saw and heard and felt. That time, I saw then-stbx in a little boat floating away on a lake surrounded by mountains. I saw the back of him and he was definitely going away from me. It was so helpful to have a vision focused on him going away.

We also talked about did I think G-d loved him and was I ok w/ his claiming to follow G-d and be so spiritually ok with the devastation he was causing. Basically, I told her that I had issues with him claiming to be following G-d's will for himself. But, at the same time, I thought G-d still loved him just as human parents love their children even when the children mess up.

Mona's thought was that I should turn him over to G-d and let G-d love him an extra large amount because, at that time, he was a troubled child.

The visioning and letting go of my x was helpful.

I know you are less desirous of your wh than you were. Do you need to go to the next step in letting him go?

What could you do to protect your heart?

I don't have magic words right now but I wish I did. I would say them for you. I really would.

Hey, all you people who pray...this isn't funny but it's something my children need. Their dad's father is in the hospital with a fever. He has a small cell lung cancer which is really bad and he's about at the end of the survival range given his diagnosis. Their grandmother is sick w/ a stomach virus or something. Lift them up, please.

Count me in....

My daughter has been very upset since she found out her grandaddy was back in the hospital. She wants him to be at her graduation in May. I just don't know if that is possible. This couple has always been nice to me. Even if they took x's side.

Queenie,

You wanted to see the pictures of our water problems this week. Here is a link to a few. Mark1952's Flickr Page

Mark

Cinders, how is your family doing and ex father in law? Is there anything besides prayers we can do.

Thanks Bridges, I don't believe I have ever talked to you before, but thank you for your wishes. I'll have to read up about you and your story.

I made it through the wave. I'm way better and just being. I hadn't felt that low in a long time. I had planned to take my YS to the game, but he doesn't want to go, so I am not sure who yet,maybe my DD.

Mark, I will look at the pictures in a second, thank you so much for sending them.

I am doing better you guys. The sadness, that pain, it's amazing how it still lives, but it went back into hiding and I'm grateful to you all and G-d for walking me through it.

Wow, the fury of mother nature.

she is awesome in her might is she not. I love that morning or evening shot.

How is it now for you Mark?

thank you for sharing those with me.