So I've read over and over that NC HAS to be established before recovery is EVER even possible. So, since co-worker affairs are the #1 way A's start.....What the heck do people do who have no option of moving or finding another job?

I know when a spouse has an A with a co-worker they are not thinking about the future consequences, people leave their jobs, have to move etc. But what if moving is not an option with expences, the housing market,kids in college etc.

Not to say that the marriage is not more important than ALL THESE THINGS, I know it is. I'm just wondering are there people out there who are in this situation and just have to deal with it? How do you deal with it? Other than snooping beyond belief, checking up, etc.

How much can a person take having to deal with this everyday. Wouldn't D be easier?

My FWHs A was with a co-worker. The A ended on Feb 5, 2007 but he was still working with his FOW. On Febuary 19, 2007 he ended up in the hospital and was not able to go back to work until June 4, 2007, FOW was still working there.

I could not handle it, i triggered every day and basically obsessed about FOW as she basically stalked my FWH and as soon as he went back to work i knew she would start again. My life was pure he!! to put it mildly.

My FWH kept trying to convince me that she was not bothering him this time but i found it hard to believe. He was working on a really big project that the whole city bwanted to see and when i found out she showed up on his job site (he told me) i flipped out and left the house for a couple of days and told my H, NC was NC and if he could not stick with that then we were NOT going to recover.

The next day he turned the FOW into his HR department for sexual harrassment and she quit the company.

IMHO I truly believe that for the BSs sake there MUST be NC NO MATTER WHAT. I could not have R my M with him still working with her.

LynnLee I have to agree with Still crazy.

Although my hubby did not work in the same dept. as the FOW she did have a support role in his job and It was HE!! for me the first year he returned home and was still working at the same job, he did finally transfer to a postion that took him out of that situation and that is when we (I) started to heal.

Perhaps some people can work it out when their FWS's continue to work with their FOP but I know I could not handle it.

Just mu 0.02 cents F-26

There is no option. One of the affair partners needs to leave the job. No contact is non-negotiable in every case. This includes affairs with family members, neighbors...etc.

There are always options.

And yes, it is likely that divorce is easier for some.

There is always another option!
However, most options WILL suck.

I understand that you mean well in asking.
Cause honestly very few couples can stay together when the Infidels remain joined at the hip, due Only to the almighty Dollar.

However,
The premise of your question is flawed IMO.
In real life ...Everyone has options.
Simply depends on the Motivation behind the person.

Unless you have a job say like the *Ruler of the Known Universe* (of which there is ONLY one of) another career option CAN always be chosen.

Yes,
is it a total pain to have to quit, find new employment, perhaps have to sell a house (if relocation is involved), move, find new schools and all the rest?? Of course.
It can be frightening and a total hassle.

Unfortunately,
that is simply a very Real Consequence to one's actions.

Now Whether one wants to admit it or not,
ANY Job will pay $Money$.
That is just a fact.

In addition,
no matter what occupation one is in ........there are others doing the same thing in all parts of the country.

And even if they weren't ........people change career paths all the time. Happens everyday.

So the bottom line is what is the person that cheated willing to do "real world" (like change jobs) and NOT simply give lip service to how much they've changed?

Ask oneself,
is the WS's pride, ego, outward success/appearance , ect ..more important to them ...or is cleaning up the mess THEY CREATED??

The answer to that will go a long way in determining IF they truly have turned over a new leaf ....OR are they simply still selfish and basically still in a wayward frame of mind...
... (keep in mind that one doesn't have to currently be boinking someone to be a wayward ....cause it ALL starts with their attitude and outlook )

[Mostly Comes down to priorities].

In closing,
I say that coming together and making all the plans and arrangements for new careers, houses, schools ect, can be a very positive and bonding experience. {it was for us}

On the other hand,
Getting a divorce cause the WS Won't "man up" and do what's needed .....Not So Much.

If OW isn't going anywhere then your H needs to find another job...period. What's the difference if you go with plan D instead of having H find a new job? You'd be splitting your assets, selling your house, moving, looking for a job if you don't work now or can't live off alimony. There's financial implications to both except with a new job you still have a M.

If your H is telling you he can't get a new job because of the hassle, he needs to suck it up and deal with it. He created the problem. If he doesn't think his M or his W's sanity is worth it than I suppose plan D may be the other option. Other than that I suppose you could expose to everyone and their brother at their place of employment just so all eyes will be on them to hinder contact. Somehow I don't think your H will go for that one either.

Finding a new job isn't an easy option, but it is an option.

Seems to me with the stories that I have read here that there is a danger in the BS giving the WS some wiggle room to find a new job and continue working with OP... It looks like there a pattern of the WS dragging their feet to find a new job(a big lovebuster IMO), which leads to the BS love-busting, etc, vicious cycle.

So what is the advice to the BS here when the WS says, give me some time, I will look for a new job? To have a time limit and then move to Plan B until WS has left the workplace?

Thankfully my FWH left his job about one month after d-day but I barely made it. Was ready to throw in the towel...

I agree it is all about priorities and for us the marriage was/is THE most important thing in our lives. My FWH reported himself to military commander, left active duty two months after. NC has been in effect since July 19 and I really feel like we are only now starting to recover. I do not think recovery can happen when there is continuing contact at the workplace, even if the active part of the A has ended. Between the loss of retirement income and the loss on the sale of our house, I estimate my H's A cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $250K or more. However, I don't miss the $$. I would rather have the marriage any day.

First let me say I agree 100% with what has been said. But lets say hypothetically - what if the BS is a SAHM (or D), the WS spent 10 years advancing his/her education and has only recently landed the job that will launch his/her career. These jobs are hard to come by and the unhappy couple has 10's of thousands of $ in debts. Exposure alone will nip this career in the bud. To complicate matters, the couple has a chronically ill or disabled child and further debt accumulated from paying for medical fees. In other words, the WS keeping the job is life or death and even simple exposure will drag the entire family, including the innocent BS and disabled child, into the gutter - perhaps even threatening the life of the child.

What then?

Can you add any more drama to the situation.

NC is THE key to recovery. Without it, the marriage will surely die. There are a lot of jobs out there with benefits. There are a lot of programs for healh insurance for kids.

NO CONTACT FOR LIFE.

:crosseyedcrazy:

two things:
1. the WS made a really big mistake, and the cost of that really big mistake is starting over at a new job.

2. If indeed the WS has just finally landed the job that will launch their career - and then ended up in an A at that job - this is probably the wrong job for them. Perhpas this new job, new company, is just not the right place for the WS to be. After all, they ended up in a horrible A. this is the biggest sign that they need to get the heck out of there and start somewhere else. The new start is likely to be the best thing that could ever happen for them, if they would just quit their griping and get a move on.

Since I am trusting my gut more today than before A, I would say that we will NOT make it, simply because of the job situation. It's not fair of me to force him to leave a job which requires his 8 years of college. I KNOW his selfish personality...I would have to "be blamed" for it for the rest of my life. We live so tight from his spending habits, we would loose eveerything. And YES, I KNOW He did all this damage not me. In life there are consequences and innocent people have to suffer them, such as me and the kids. It stinks. He never thought of it when he was getting his EN meet by someone other than his wife.

But he will divorce me before he leaves that job, his selfishness will prevail as it always does.

If the BS is willing to put up with the spouse and OP working together due to those circumstances then that's up to him/her. Is the child really not going to get medical care and die if the WS moves to a new job? I find that hard to believe.

Financially it sucks, but what other costs is the couple willing to pay? The bills are paid but there is no peace in their house? My H was willing to do whatever it took to make me feel secure again even if it meant giving up a job that he had worked so hard for. Quitting his job would have set us back some what and we would have had to adjust our lifestyle, but we were both willing. To us nothing was worth compromising our recovery and losing our family or each other. We were willing to financially take a hit if needed. I would have been much more resentful of my H for not being willing to give up his job because it was a hassle or he was losing his big break or whatever you want to call it. But that's just me.

Can you live with that?

LynnLee are you going to be able to accept that your H works with OW? If not and he won't get another job then where does that leave you?

On the upside, you know your H is a selfish man, so being with you must be what he wants or he wouldn't be doing it.

Being in the situation where the A had ended but there was still contact, I can tell you that i agree with medc 110%. NC for life no matter what.

then divorce him. if you fall low on his priority list he shouldn't have the privilege of calling you his wife.

get rid of the bum.

LynnLee IMHO I truly believe that without NC you will NEVER recovery your M, no matter what your FWH says!!!

Sorry, I'm in one of those moods today!

Sorry about your sitch L - it certainly sucks.