I'm new here. Not sure if I'm putting this in the right place but if moderators want to move it, that's fine. If there are holes in this post, it's because I'm trying to keep it from becoming a novel.

I'm in my early 40s, single, never married. Educated, professional, attractive, outgoing, active. It's been 20 years since I actually moved in and lived with a man. After several discussion about getting married and it sounding like we were on the same page, I moved in with my boyfriend (early 40s, single, never married). I do regret it, and as I will get to, I have moved out. I know that we did not date long enough to be living together in the first place but the idea was that we were to get engaged shortly after I moved in. Yes, hindsight is 20/20. We dated for 8 months before I moved in, during which he asked me to move in several times, and even proposed to me. I said that it was too soon to get married and suggested that he ask me again in a few months. We lived together for 8 months.

Last week, I moved out.

Immediately upon me moving in, he changed. He turned into a big, spoiled, tyrant who threw temper-tantrums and refused to even plan dinner or a walk together. Eventually, he quit taking me out anywhere and stopped doing anything with me. When we would go for a walk, he would walk 50 feet in front of me with the dog, as if I weren't even there. The last time we went to dinner in public together, he acted very strange and nervous.

Turned out that he was carrying on with some ex-girlfriends and new female friends via text and phone quite a bit. I have no problem with maintaining friendships with the opposite gender but I also believe that these friendships have to be out in the open to our SOs. After the first incident where he lied to me about being in contact with the gal that he was dating immediately prior to me, I almost moved out. She didn't even know that we were in a serious relationship, much less co-habitating. He asked me not to leave and we had some long discussions about all of this.

Turned out that he is still chatting away with her, and some other women. He also goes to lunch with women that he works with, and lies to me about it. I've been working at home full-time for a few months, and he has only once ever called and asked me to lunch. Our home, his home, is 5 minutes from his office.

As for the women that he's keeping in touch with, some are just friends and some are new friends about whom I don't really know what his intent is. He lied to me about one gal, who it turns out is listed in his phone under her father's name. I spoke with her, and she said that she has been happily married for 10 years, she has known my boyfriend since high school, and they have just kept in touch over the years. She said that she knew all about the fact that we were dating and co-habitating. Still, he insists that he was chatting with her brother, even though it is her cell phone number and she told me that they keep in touch that way, and even confirmed a specific day that I asked about.

But there are other women's numbers listed on his phone bills with whom he has been text messaging, including one that he did some work for, works in our dentist office (she's one of the dentists there), and that it turned out he was searching for information about on the internet.

Hardest thing I've ever done, I moved out last week. It really put me in a financial bind, and an emotional pit. I never wanted to ever live with anyone without being married. On one hand, I'm glad I found all of this out before we got married and I doubt that I would have found all of this out if I didn't live there. On the other hand, next time with someone, I will want to know that the other person is mentally and emotionally ready to make the commitment to marriage before living under the same roof with them.

He still won't admit that he has lied to me or done any of this, even though I have seen his phone bills and some of the text messages, including looking at the TMs with him standing right there, and I have seen the history on his computer.

When he gets upset with me, he will just leave me at home. He did this for most of the summer, including July 4 and Labor Day fireworks on the lake, and spent many other days out with friends on the lake, leaving me at home.

He insists that 'it takes two'. I do not believe that when one person is lying and sneaking around that it takes two. Day to day stuff, takes two. Ruining a relationship by basically cheating, only takes one.

Yet, he sends me a TM the other day, asking if there is a 'fix'. Then sending me TMs the following day, telling me that he's thinking of me and sweet dreams.

Is he nuts?

Is he playing the shell game and hedging his bets?

I'm gone from his house and I've exited his life, at this point. When he asked if there was a fix, I told him to fix it. When his next contact was as benign as telling me that he was thinking about me and sweet dreams, I told him to fix it or leave me alone. Difficult to write to him because, as I expected, I haven't heard from him since. Did he really think that a few faux sweet text messages were going to keep me hanging on?

What is WRONG with him?

I have been nothing but honest and forthright with him. We seemed to be so amazingly well-suited for each other.

As I've been talking to some of my friends, I hear more and more stories from them about how the first few years of their marriage or relationships were just plain ugly. (First few years???)

Is there any hope for us? Or is he so petrified of commitment that he'll be this way forever? Or at least until he finds another doormat like his ex, who never called him on the carpet about anything, by her own admission?

Why do I even want to have hope? This is fresh, and perhaps I just haven't cleared my head enough. I don't know how I could trust him again but people heal from worse than we've been through.

I feel as if this post is unfinished but if anyone has any input, I'm ready!

Simply, no.

Do not value yourself so little that you would settle for a liar and cheat.

Move on without him and NEVER look back. He isn't worth your time.

Guys like him make dating very, very easy for me!

You aren't married, there are no children, and you have already moved out...stay away. Why would you want a relationship with a man that has the maturity of a 2 yr old? Cut your losses and move on.

Its pretty simple to read what he is doing.

WHen youre there with him, doting over him and paying attention to him, he pushes you away, he's cold, he could care less....BECAUSE HE IS SECURE THAT YOU CARE FOR HIM....

As soon as there is no contact, even for a day, doubts cross his mind so he throws out some bait.....to attract you.....a nice TM, sweet words.

He is real insecure and is ALWAYS testing you to see if you can live without him. And when you moved out, that was a sign that you don't care for him, so he pouted.

Insecurity is one of the WORST things to be married to. It leads to jealousy, which is hideous also.

I think the posters are right. Move on. You described yourself as someone who can get someone else if you choose to. You don't need this.

I don't believe that people in a committed relationship should have friends of the opposite sex. We just had a go around when a woman walked up to my H,kissed his hand and snuggled up to him. He just stood there then saw me glaring at him. He looked down (He's very tall) then stepped away from her. It hit the fan when we got home. He didn't take it seriously. He does NOW.:( I don't put up with ANYTHING from him.
This guy plays mind games with you. Nothing is worth that.

At his age, he should really be past this if he is serious about getting engaged and later married. I think he is too self involved to care about what you want at this point. He has the kind of baggage you shouldn't have to expect to deal with at either of your ages.

Honesty is really fundamental in a solid marriage, and I think if you don't have that from the get go, it's unlikely that it's going to get better. I mean...honesty is something we learn in kindergarten or Sunday School, you know? Without some counseling at his age, it just doesn't seem evident that this is what you can hope for.

Better that you part ways and chalk it up for experience, I think. We never stop learning, regardless of our age.

In the meantime, be good to yourself. Take a course to build up your confidence. Get a new hair cut, a manicure, etc. Redo your resume, just to give yourself a lift and a clean slate. Go through your wardrobe and iron your work shirts with some mild starch so you can feel crisp and strong at your job. Eat well. Sleep long enough hours. A half of a Tylenol pm is all it takes for me when insomnia hits, and it's not addictive if taken as directed. Not worth getting sick on top of it all, kwim?

Hang in there. It sucks, but it would suck worse if you stuck around longer and got married and/or had a child with him.

Thank you everyone for posting, and telling me what I already know to be the truth.

Perhaps part of me was hoping that since this is a site that seems to be for the purpose of building stronger relationships, that there might be some input about how we can actually keep things together.

We exchanged some emails last night. My living room and office furniture is still at his house. I was out of town over the weekend so I left it there for a few extra days. I emailed him to arrange for the guys who do work for him around the office and his home to bring my furniture to me. He informs me that he is going out of town today and won't be returning until Sunday. I did not want to set foot in his house but I told him that I will meet the guys there to take care of the move if I absolutely have to. But that's not the 'issue'.

As I mentioned in my original post, I almost moved out once before. That was back in June/July. About a week after he asked me to stay, he tells me that he is thinking of going to Hawaii with a male friend of his to work on his friend's condo over there. Without me. Since he and I had talked several times about going over and staying in the condo together, I said no deal, buddy. I wanted to go and since I am not working much right now, there's no reason for me not to go. How much would you like to bet that's where he's going?

I really upset last night...I know that I shouldn't let myself get like that but I'm not to the point of not caring yet. I sent him one somewhat lengthy email. He responded by asking me if I would like to sit and talk about things instead of speculating and ranting, and said that he would like to do this.

I wrote back that it wasn't ranting but rather me telling him my thoughts and feelings about things, and that it would be helful for him to learn to take this in from other and to learn to express these things himself. I did ask him what he would like to talk about and said that I was open to listening.

I never received a reply, which really hurt. Yes, I am sure that he didn't like my comment about thoughts and feelings vs. ranting but no reply at all? Not even "never mind".



About my now-exboyfriend: I never took him for a liar. We live in a small-ish town, where he has lived his entire life. I've lived here for three years. He has been involved in local politics off and on for the last, oh, decade or so. He has been extremely successful, professionally. One thing that attracted me to him was that he seemed to have a strong sense of integrity and morals. I strive to maintain a high level of integrity in my life, both personally and professionally, so this aspect, or perceived aspect, of his character was important to me. Yes, he is quite handsome, and it seems that every woman I meet who knows him thinks he's Mr. Wonderful.

Right now, I want to tell every single one of them what a jerk he has been to me, and to his ex-girlfriend (she was too much of a doormat to ever say anything). I probably won't spill the details, although I have made mention of his general behavior to one woman who knows him and works with him. She rented my apartment to me and I was a mess when I met her. BTW: She sees my ex on a semi-regular basis. She had no idea who I was, that he even had a gf or, of course, that we were living together. If that doesn't seem too abnormal, get this: He started his own business back in December, when I moved in. He has been working with his now-business partner for 5 years. They sit about 10 feet from each other most days, and talk about everything. Yet, six months after I moved in, she knew the details of a family member's illness, but was surprised to hear that we had been living together for six months.

SHE was surprised???

walk away with dignity and your mouth shut. running on about what a jerk he is will only reflect poorly on you.

good luck in your new and improved life.

Medc: Thank you. I'm not an insecure woman but this situation has stomped on my self-esteem just a bit. Thank you for the reminder that I don't have to work with this situation.

Black Raven: You're right, that he certainly lacks emotional maturity. It's just been very difficult to reconcile all of this...difficult to reconcile the man he has turned out to be with the man that he presented himself to be. But you're right. I can't imagine what things would be like if I'd married him last summer when he asked.

Gabagool: Yes, he does that - becomes insecure when I back off. But when he feels secure, he stomps on our relationship instead of treasuring it. I don't know about the jealousy. He has made probably only two comments that even bordered on jealousy in a year and a half, and they were about the guy I was casually seeing when I met my him. It seems to me that perhaps he never even expressed a tinge of jealousy because he was spending so much time interacting with so many other women that he didn't care. (Boy, that was a bit of a pity party on my part, eh?)

Honestly, no, I don't have any problem with being asked out and all of that. And thank God and the Universe that I have good friends to support me, and give me an ego boost right now.

Jewelldy: I hear where you're coming from. I do believe that having friends of the opposite gender is okay, but I do believe that these friendships have to be maintained in a way that honors and protects the core relationship/marriage. If you are not really friends with the woman you mentioned in your post, then she was out of line, for sure. And I agree that some men perhaps need a reminder that they need to be actively involved in protecting and honoring the core relationship/marriage, which you provided.

Again, though, we live in a small town, and he works in a female-dominated industry. And it is not female-dominated by any small margin. It's definitely mostly women in this town. Still, I did tell him more than once that I was not comfortable with him consistenly going to lunch with random women in his industry. He said that he didn't but then I did see TMs in his phone from some of them about being at the deli or cafe for lunch, for instance. I know that most of these women are married but the time and effort that he puts into those friendships left little left over for our relationship. And earlier this year, he went out of town (2 hours away) for a 4-day conference with several of these women, and industry professionals from around the state. I had free time and I also have several friends who live in that town. I wanted to drive down and spend a couple of days visiting friends and a relative there. He refused to let me stay with him, telling me that he was going to be too busy and didn't want to feel that he was ignoring me. I told him that I was going to be doing my own thing; yet, he still said No.

You are right on about the mind games.

Soolee: I know you're right. Me, I've been doing personal work off and on for 20 years (funny, then, that I wind up in this kind of relationship...but self-discovery and self-improvement is an on-going process). He, on the other hand, has done NO personal work whatsoever. He is completely reactive to what happens around him and to him. He is the youngest of three boys and it sounds like the father was a drunk/loser, and the step-father was maybe in the background. He was a babied spoiled brat it sounds like, and still is.

I think the course about self-confidence is a great suggestion. Honestly, though, I'm not a doormat and I don't have low self-esteem. What I need to do though is meditate and pray and figure out how I let someone like this get so far into my life.

As far as the 'new life', I quit my job back in April to start my own business. Nothing much has come of it because he has so completely distracted me from work by his antics and drama. But, I AM renewed with energy to get things going forward. Heck, I HAVE to at this point; all of this distraction has put me in a financial bind. I had a good meeting with a potential client last week, and spoke with a recruiter about doing some work for a client of hers. I see my first contracts on the horizon!

I had my hair done a week and a half ago, and I had a pedi and a mani last week. I visited friends and family over the weekend, and I spent Monday volunteering at a charity event where I poured margaritas for a couple hundred men. I'm joining some friends this coming weekend for a bbq and a group 'fun run', and am invited to two bbqs on Saturday, as well. I'm running a race the following weekend.

What I need to do is get my rear to the gym. I am typically in really good shape and I've been so thrown off and, yes, a little depressed for the last few months, I've barely been getting there at all.

Sleep...that is the challenge. I have trouble sleeping anyway. All of this is making me exhausted. I need to get a routine down, including and probably second only to sleep, exercise. I need to get my food intake back on track. Thank you for the reminder to take care of ME.

I know you're right, Medc.

I'm not a vindictive type of person. Right now, I'm just still in the emotional thick of it.

But, I admit, it makes me sick that all of these women just think he's so sweet and so perfect, and he IS that way to them. And then he comes home and ignores me or acts like a tyrant, and sneaks around behind my back to maintain contact with other women.

It's going to take some arm-chewing to not spill it at times, I think. I just want to blurt out that he's a lying sneak and that's why I left.