my wife and i are headed toward a divorce. i would like some feedback as to whether or not a separation is a good idea or not. my thought is it would give her perspective on what life would be like without me in the picture. We have two children and my feeling is it might make her realize how important it would be for us to try and work on saving our marriage if i weren't around to take care of all the things i do. i need help and don't know what to do. she's talking about filing in a couple of weeks. she's been having an affair and i know they are still talking and possibly meeting.

thanks

Have you exposed them to others? Does the other man's wife/girlfriend/parents/friends know? Do your wife's parents and friends know?

Have you read all the stuff here? Have you ordered and read Surviving an Affair? Your proposed separation sounds a little bit like Plan B. Plan B is the stage where you stop all contact until the WS meet certain conditions you have laid out in the Plan B letter. But the plans are very prescriptive - you need to follow them to the letter for them to work.

Have a look around the site here and learn all you can about Plan A and Plan B. Figure out where you are at and what you can do. Make your plan.

Have you exposed the affair yet? If she's boinking OM will she have him around your children? Whatever you decide, don't leave your house.

Also don't let her take the children from the house. Stand your ground. And read all the material. I know it's a lot but it is your battleplan.

Separation is the absolute WORST thing you can do in this case. It will increase the risk of divorce and make it very hard to save your marriage. It would only faciliate the affair and make her happy to be rid of you. It would clear the way for the OM to move in and take your place. Do you want to be paying the mortgage on your home while the OM lives there and you cant?

If you think she would miss you, THINK AGAIN. She is entirely detached from you right now or she wouldn't be having an affair.

Many courts view leaving as abandonment and it will greatly harm your chances in any upcoming legal actions.

We have had men on this forum who had to get court orders to get back into their homes to even get their tennis shoes. The OM will have more rights to your home than YOU, the owner. Secondly, it will clear the way for her to introduce the OM into your childrens lives. You won't be there to protect them.

Moving out is about the DUMBEST mistake that men make. Don't do it!

I would have this moved over to the General Questions 11 forum so they can help you with the infidelity. Hit notify and ask the mods to move it there.
YOU ARE NOT ON THE RIGHT FORUM!

Go read this thread: Men Don't Leave your Home!!

This is way too early to be thinking of DIVORCE!!! You will probably never get divorced. You have no business on this forum!


You are not "headed" for divorce. This is just EMPTY TALK. "Going to file" means nothing more than the falling down drunk who declares he is "going on the wagon." Talk is cheap coming from a wayward. She probably said this to scare you into going along with her affair.

I agree 100 percent with Melody.

I separated three times and two of those separations were just breaks from bullcrap as opposed to actually working on saving the4 marriage.

I don't think you are dead. I think there salvagable stuff here. Its boot strap time and both of you need to start pulling on them.

Be brutally honest in your approach and your speech. The affair was not your fault and she's trying to make it that by threatening divorce. Don't let her. Assume control of your emotions.

IDWAD,

Before you act take a moment to breath and consider what you are going to do. Plan B has been brought up here but it only applies after a decent Plan A.

Plan A and Plan B are not something to try followed by a fall back position but two parts of a specific plan to try to save your marriage.

Read this link: What Are Plan A and Plan B

Also follow this link and read the articles: How To Survive Infidelity

In addition, I have some discussion of Plan A on the first page of my Musings thread linked in my signature line below. There is also a short summary of what I call the Marriage Builders method in the Trouble Shooting and Repair link below.

I just read your other post on this forum and wanted to tell you that what you are experiencing is not something that is unique to you. The things your wife has said about being unhappy, not being in love with you and all the rest are right from the wayward wife script. All wayward spouses say exactly the same things.

Read the basic concepts if you haven't already and read the links above. Do not leave your house if you want to save your marriage.

You might want to consider moving your thread to General Questions II under infidelity as there is much more traffic there. Remember that right now the problem IS the affair. That needs to be your number one focus if you want to save your marriage.

Mark

i'm a novice here and don't see General Discussion/Questions 11 can you please tell me how to get there.

thank you for your comments

best regards
idwad

Well, you are in General Questions now, so welcome.

Please give details - who is the other man, where did they meet, marriage problems before the affair, is he married, how many kids, etc??????

"i'm a novice here and don't see General Discussion/Questions 11 can you please tell me how to get there."

Go to the main Forums List, scroll down to Infidelity section and select General Questions II.

Although my H and I have come close to formally separating a few times in the last 8 months since D-day, in our hearts we knew it wasn't really what we wanted and as hard a time as we were going through, we both knew deep down that we wanted to come out the other side together.

There came a point a few months ago where I knew he was still lying to me and in contact with the OW. I could not trust him and we were not communicating well and I just could not bear to have him in the house any more - I asked him to move out. He begged me to reconsider and we compromised with him moving into the spare room. This turned out to be a helpful tool to our recovery. We began to communicate better during the day, being more courteous and attentive, and talking a lot more. At the end of the day he would give me a kiss goodnight and go off to his room. I then had the much needed space in my bedroom to think, do a lot of reading, journal my feelings and sleep peacefully. It actually ended up to be a bit like being on a date, and then going home alone.

This was valuable time for H as well. He took stock of the current status of his life, what he wanted in his future and he finally made the committment to NC with OW and get her out of his life. We have gradually built up our relationship (we're sleeping in the same room again) and now getting better every day.

So, rather than separating completely, we just took a step back from each other to get some breathing and thinking space, and then gradually came back together. This is what worked for us.

Good luck to you.

^^^^^