Hey Everyone,

I'm new to this site, not new to finding out about my husbands affair. I hope this is the right place to post this question... I'm writing a "contract" for my husband to sign, it outlines what I need from him in order to begin the reconciliation process. One of the bullets is about no contact whatsoever. It has a little piece on the end about if he happens to see her in person he is to not say anything to her regardless on if she says anything to him or not.

He says if he sees her and she says hi, he can't be a jerk and not say anything to her. Now this is only part of my story, so please don't jump to conclusions. I'll eventually fill everyone in on my story, but for now, what are some of the reasons I can give him as to why NC is so important? I have a few of my own, but want to make sure I can give him a bunch and hopefully he will see how truly important it really is.

Thank you,
Just Broken

Your H can lie to you and cheat but can't be a jerk and not say something back to OW? WOW, what manners.

Reason for NC is simple to end the affair and not spit more in your face than he already has.

You should read the thread "Affairs with Co-workers...Question." in the Infidelity General Questions forum, it has a lot of reasons why NC is necessary for recovery.

I am guessing that you are probably pretty early in recovery as your H sounds like a typical WH. When my recovery was in the early stages my H probably would have said the same thing about not being a jerk to OW. I recently asked him what he would do if he ever saw her and he said he would turn and walk the other way, but that is 1 1/2 years into recovery and my H now can see very clearly that he would be being a jerk to me if he spoke to OW and I am the one who is important not her.

I would tell your H that if he chooses to say hi to OW then he is being a jerk to you. So he has to decide who he wants to be a jerk to, you or OW? It is his choice and it is a consequence of his A.

Justbroken, it is important to first make sure they WON'T see each other. You both need to ensure that DOES NOT HAPPEN. If you think it will, I would follow Dr Harleys advice and move to another STATE. Every time he sees her will put him back to DAY 1 of recovery. He will be triggered by her everytime he sees her, making recovery impossible and the likelihood of an on-again, off again affair very likely.

MOVE, if you think it is likely.

My WH was very resistent to writing an NC letter and it was only when he was leaving his job and we moved to a new state that he actually sat down and wrote one. It needs to come from him, not you, but approved by you. It should be hand-written (so OW knows it really came from him) and delivered in a means comfortable to you (we passed it through her supervisor who was aware of the A and supportive of my WH and my marriage). The day he wrote it he posted on here as Wayward_Idiot, asking if it was the only way. The best answer on that thread was someone who said, "Of course, it is necessary. You know it can't be any other way". It is a written affirmation of his committment to you and your family.

It sounds to me as though your husband is still very foggy. My H would say the same things whenever there was contact - he did not want to be rude, he did not want to cause a scene, etc. Meanwhile, he was getting his addiction "fix" and telling her he loved her, but wanted to be with his family. Blah, blah, blah. I think this A would have not ended or restarted if we had not gotten the heck out of the state. From D-day to establishment of NC was a little more than 3 months. I have not been on MB long, but I have read/been told that breaks in NC are common. Certainly was very difficlut for me. The day of the last contact I very seriously considered packing it in and going to D.

My sympathy for your situation and best wishes to you.