Let me start by saying I am VERY familiar with all the concepts and try to use everything here as often as possible. We're still having major problems communicating.

Married 10 yrs.

Last night is a perfect example of what happens. I started out saying "Here is what I see in you". All beautiful, loving things. Just wanted to connect with him. He responded. Somehow we started talking about money. This is his most important EN. We disagreed about the best way to reach our goals. I said I needed us to work on a budget together. It's visual and makes me feel secure to have a plan. He said just stop using the bank card. I have to run the household and our business somehow.

Anyway, some of the comments he made about my money management hurt my feelings. I was very careful, I used "I" statements, I told him how I feel about what he said, and that I realize he wasn't trying to say I was stupid and incompetent, but I felt that way, and it just escalated until he was sitting there psychoanalyzing me telling me what I "always do" when we talk and how he could set a clock to the exact 2 hours I need to get myself upset enough to fight.

I just don't know what to do. I want to just stop talking about things and just live the detached lives we've been living. He rarely kisses me. He's affectionate sometimes, but doesn't initiate sex. He seems content to just work (it takes alot out of him) and come home. He is not involved in any decisions in our house except some of the bills. He insists he loves me and that he's just stressed out about his job and commute. I feel unimportant, and when I try to tell him how I feel, he makes me feel even worse. It can never be about me. Always about how he feels about the conversation or how much sleep he's missing because we have to talk.

Should I just become the perfect wife for him and do everything he wants? Never ask for sex or intimacy? Let him stay on the computer whenever he's home and awake? Dont' ask anything of him? He sure seems like he would be happier that way. As long as I'm in the house and not trying to get his attention.

Thanks. So much more to say I'm sure, but I don't want to go overboard on my post.

Money is his EN and not his wife's happiness?
Marriage is a balance of both partners needs.
And apparently the scales are tipped the wrong way.

You might also tell these good folks in "Resolving Conflict" the "rest of the story" ...

about how you're having an ongoing A, with your swinger OM, and refuse to tell your H for fear he might just leave your wayward a$$.

You seem to think that your H's EN for money is unfair UNTIL you are faced with the possibility of being CUT OFF from the financial spigot due to your own actions.

I have the same problem with my H. We have had sooo many discussions the become arguments. I have agreed not to start ANY type of conversation after 9:00pm so that he doesn't lose any sleep. It's amazing how a simple question or statement starts the fire.

In his defense, I think he reads too much into things in an effort to not miss anything and is going to make himself crazy. At the same time, he doesn't hear what I am saying which makes me crazy.

I have finally gotten him to see this and we are working on it. I wish I could just have my husband care about how I feel without him needing to feel that he should defend himself. I already know he didn't MEAN to hurt me, but it happened anyway and it happened because he didn't know it WOULD hurt me. Why is that such a difficult concept? Wouldn't he care enough to want to find out what he did so he could avoid it in the future? I make sure I use "I" statements and even point out that I know it was in error. What else can I do? Should I just suffer in silence?