My questions is about triggers. My FWH can tell when I have a trigger, I become silent and the look on my face is either sudden sadness or sudden anger, or just start crying.

What am I supposed to do? Just try to overcome it? Try to slow down my heartrate? OR when he says what is it? tell me? Do I tell him? Sometimes I DO tell and we talk and sometimes when I tell him, he sighs hard, and says "What am I supposed to do? I am so sorry, I wish I could take away the pain but I can't"

OK, so I have read that the BS is NOT supposed to keep making the FWS feel guilty over and over, we are supposed to not mention it, and work on forgiveness...and honestly most of the time I am not trying to make him feel bad...I am just hurting...a trigger, a memory of an old event or old conversation where he LIED and I just look at him.

Do I just walk away and bury my feelings...I've tried the "try to think of something positive instead trick, yeah that doesn't work.

I also know that TIME will help in this area BUT until more time passes..what do I do?

You said it yourself....time. I am not a very emotional person but I cried daily for weeks. I had to excuse myself at work, go into the bathroom and cry like a baby. Men are not supposed to cry, right?

He needs to understand that you're not doing it to make him feel guilty; you just need time to heal. Make sure he knows that.

It depends. Sometimes I will tell H what is bothering me. Other times I don't because I don't want to let it spiral into the upteen discussion of his A. There are times I just cry when I'm by myself just to let it out and I feel better afterwards. Where does it say BS aren't supposed to mention it and suffer in silence??? Sometimes just asking my H to hold me makes the anxiety subside. Other times I will call H and just talk to him about anything. Because your H still works at the same company as OW, you are living with a trigger everyday he leaves for work. I don't know if time can heal that.

Hi Lynn,
I'm speaking as a FWW, but I noticed that your d-day is the same month/year as ours. My husband is still in a lot of pain, it's only been 6 months. As hard as it is for me to hear it, I want him to talk to me when he's hurting the way you're describing. I feel helpless too, I wish I could take his pain away. But, I also know that so many times all I want to do is "move on" and get past it all, and when he tells me about his pain, it puts it into perspective for me.

As the WS, our job is to be the physician, to ask where it hurts and help our betrayed spouse heal from this injury. If part of that treatment is having to say "I'm sorry" over and over again, even after 6 months, then that's what has to happen.

Have you talked to the Harleys? Steve Harley has helped us tremendously in working through this, not that we're done, but he gives us strategies and assignments that we schedule into our UA time.

-MrsZ

We are in the same place right now, H responds the same way yours does.

Everything triggers, but I dont tell him every single time - if he sees my face change, he will just touch my hand or hug me to let me know he is there for me. If I can figure out a way to tell him without soundling accusatory, then I do.

Lynnlee, you sit him down and talk with him about the triggers. You discuss ways to address them, or avoid them and you seek his help. You don't stuff them, you don't run away from them.

IN the past, people have also used the strategy of "taking back" certain triggers. One lady (I think) went with her H and spent in every hotel he used in his affair. She also ate at every restruant with her H that had been used. She replace the images in her head with new ones that involved she and her H. It seemed to work.

You might consider such a strategy. But, at the very least talk with your H, and even develop a short hand that lets him know you are becoming triggered, and develop a response for him to take that will help you.

You don't get through this by yourself. You do it with your H.

God Bless,

JL

Ahhhh.....triggers


One thing that I've been lucky enough to do with W without triggers is have sex......thank God. But, that was until last night. It seems that I am okay to have sex, but only if there is no cuddling, carressing or any type of "affection" type of stuff going on beforehand. I tried to do some of these things with KMS last night, only to basically trigger at the worst time I possibly could...(if you know what I mean). All was good (down there) until the trigger...first time that's ever happened to me. Instead of facing major embarrasment and humilitaion, I just said "I'm sorry", then rolled over. I don't think there was any way in h3ll I would have been able to recover from that (if you know what I mean) last night.

My point being, that even during probably the worst timed trigger I've had yet (not worst...but worst "timed")...I still didn't say what's bothering me.

Sometimes I quite simply don't want to talk about it.

When he asks what he is supposed to do YOU need to tell him! What can he do in that moment that will help? What do you need him to do? A hug? Say certain things? You need to figure out what will help and tell him. That way he will not feel so helpless and you will get something that helps you.

When he says he is sorry do you really feel it? I mean does it just seem like he is saying it because he doesn't know what else to say? I know that all the I'm Sorrys in the world did not seem to help me until the day my H finally said what he was sorry for. He said "I'm sorry for hurting you" It may seem little but it was huge for me. I'm tearing up (in a good way) just writing this.

I have for the most part stopped telling my H when I have a trigger. I specifically don't tell him when it is something we have already discussed. I have recently gotten to a point where I will just tell him I need a hug right now or I will joke with him about how wonderful I am so that he will give me the confirming words that I am wonderful.

When you trigger what do you need to help you over come it ?

If you need your WS to help overcome it then say :

"I am having a difficult time dealing with the the thought of X can you please __________ ( fill in blank) to help me deal with it.

GIve him something specific he can do instead of letting him feel the helplessness of not knowing what to do.

Here is a great example of that. When you are being attacked by someone ( mugger, home invador) any form of attacker ,instaed of screaming "HELP!!" its much more effective to scream out "Call 911" or " this is not my mommy" . When you scream HELP people tend to be fearful of what they need to do to help. If you scream "CALL 911" it seems to an onlooker oh! thats something I can do and does not take much of my day. I can keep walking on with my life and stil do something to help someone. YOu are more likely to get help, response or intervention when you use those words rather than "HELP".
Same difference here. I presume most if not all FWS want to help their BS they just dont know what to do when we yell "HELP", which is a clear opening for either doing nothing or doing the wrong thing (sighing in your case) which does nothing to help the situation.

So spend some time with yourself and evaluate what you need from you H when you trigger. It might be different things for different triggers and be prepared. When the trigger hits fill in the appropriate blank for him and may be it will make it easier for him to achieve his "intent" of trying to help you, JMHO.

Its hard to wait for time to pass while we heal so in the meantime mark a date in the calanedr for a few weeks or months from now. Then when you feel really bad today (or any other day) remember you have to go thru today in order for time to pass to get to this future magical day LOL of when time will have passed and your healing will hopefully be further along than it is today.

LL,

"the BS is NOT supposed to keep making the FWS feel guilty over and over"

Your Dday is March 08. That is only 5 months ago. It has been said that it can take 2 YEARS or more for the emotions to start fading.

And you are not MAKING your FWS feel guilty!!

You are genuinely feeling the pain, grief, and loss that comes from his infidelity.

So you stop feeling guilty!!

HE IS THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO MAN UP AND ASSUME HIS RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS LOW LIFE, SCUM SUCKING ACTIONS.

No you don't bury your feelings. And why the heck should you?

If you must do something have you thought of Anti depressants? They will help blunt the trigger pain.

IMHO

kirk

I found this to be helpful in being specific. Thank You. I have already used it.

You are welcome , its a tough lesson to learn and sustain as I find myself occassionally falling in the old "female" traps and looking for a "knight in shining armour who is a mind reader" and knows all the right things to do.
Its so much simpler and better when we communicate and let the other person know what we need. What works for you in the ______ is different from what I probably need so how the heck are men supposed to know what to do.
I hope soon you are at a point where triggers are not a pain but simply an occassional annoyance