I'm almost two years from D-day when WH told me that he had "met another woman" and moved out the same day. I have done plan A (well) and plan B (so and so). The affair seems to have ended, MOW is still with her husband and WH is alone in his shabby room. I stayed in our old house until this summer, but now I have moved to my own apartment which actually feels much better than I could imagine.

I wish that I could say that I am better off without a cheating, deceitful WH. I know that I have all the chances in this world to divorce him and move on and find another, reliable man. My husband had a lot of qualities that I appreciated but after all there are other men out there. But I can't let go of the feeling that I was the major cause of our marital failure.

I have read so many stories, here and elsewhere, about people who are abused by their spouse. Most often they get the advice to leave the marriage. What if I did things so terribly wrong that it was on the border of abuse? I was sometimes angry with my husband (LB), I did not ask for his opinion before I did things (IB), I did not show him that I appreciated him even though I knew that he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was still wrong for him to have an affair but maybe it was right for him to leave me?

I have done plan A, I have worked on myself and realized the importance of attention and avoiding LB. I have done all that I can and I want to come to peace with myself. It is WH's decision to not return to our marriage and honestly I think it is a stupid decision because I really am a good woman. He should be happy that I still love him and that I have left the door open for forgiveness and reconciliation.

I know all that logically but I still can't shake off the feeling that I failed. Feeling sucks sometimes, don't they?

I hear you. I chase these thoughts away almost daily. Sometimes I just can't. I'm sure it's a big reason I still hang around here at MB.

But even the constant reassurance that there is no excuse to cheat and that everything the WS says is fogspeak, I still question if it is different for me. What IF WstbxH really HASN'T loved me in years? What IF I was as bad as he said?? What IF I really DID deserve this? And I can even find "evidence" to support some of this if I look hard enough.

The rational side of me tells me to let go of this.

The emotional side clings to it. I'm slightly OCD so this side is particularly powerful.

And the battle between these rages on. It does help to know I'm not the only one.

I certainly can understand the feelings of failure.

I think where I turned the corner is when I stopped measuring success by my marital status. When my former wife left, I thought divorce would mean failure. For a long time, it did.

However, I came to realize I cannot measure success or failure by how folks respond or don't respond. I have to measure success or failure by did I act according to my goals.

If I meet my objectives for growth, then I'm succeeding. If folks around me don't find that to be enough, I can accept or reject their assessment.

But that person has to be giving you a chance. A WH living in some hole of an apartment may not be giving you a chance, and his feedback and response is suspect.

So personally, I wouldn't put too much stock into a wayward's response or non-response.

You may have been a poor wife in the past. I was not a good husband in the past.

The thing is, my former wife bailed too soon. I'm a much better man than I was 5 years ago when she was in her affair and on the way out the door. (5 years ago tomorrow, to be specific) My new bride thinks she got a great man, and I have a great bride, so that helps.

But even if I wasn't married, I'd still think I was a success today. Because I am a better father, a better worker in my job, even better with money after having recovered from my former wife's spending, and even a pretty darn good ex-husband

So it really doesn't matter what you may have been. The question is, what are you going to be today? You can't fix the past, but you can decide to be different, to be better, and to measure success on more realistic terms.

Hi Why,

Wow, you said exactly what I have been feeling and can't seem to shake. I too am almost 2 years at Dday. My WH took off and I have no clue where he is. DD says A is over, but I don't know. Anyway, I've had so many days like yours. I did many of the things that you did, so I know how you feel about it.

In many ways, our WHs put us into the roles we were in. My WH wanted nothing to do with finances, decorating etc. Early on, when I asked an opinion, he just said to do whatever I wanted. Over the years, I just took on the roles of household manager, accountant, social director, decorator, and general decision maker. He had always led me to believe that he wanted nothing to do with it. I, on the other hand, wanted someone who gave a sh1t. I WANTED someone to make decisions with, discuss things with, etc. And I was also guilty of not showing enough appreciation. I thought it many times, but never verbally expressed it.

So, I'm there with you. Always feeling like I did something wrong too. I thought we had settled into just what long term marriages settle into. Yeah, it sucks.

No advice other than to write a letter as Jennifer has advised me to do on several occassions. In my case, it didn't do anything, but maybe in your case it might have the desired effect.

If your H doesn't want to reconcile, that is not your fault. Have you forgiven yourself for your mistakes? Do you feel like your H hasn't forgiven you, because he doesn't want to reconcile? Do you know what his needs are? Besides the affair, do you know what his LBs are and what his ENs are?


This is just an opinion, but if you know the answers to these questions, the I would just get on with your life. If you don't want to close the door, then don't, but open the door for your life to go on...if that makes sense.

Being angry with your spouse for hurtful behaviors is not abusive.

What methods did you use for expressing your anger?

I get the sense that you are seeking some power over the end of your marriage. Sometimes overresponsibility can offer a sense of feeling in control of circumstances that are, in actuality, BEYOND your control.

So you weren't a perfect wife? Okay. No one is. His choices have nothing to do with who you are, what you were or what you weren't. That's all about him.

Romanticizing your relationship or remembering the good things can be a coping mechanism for dealing with the inevitable grief that you are feeling - almost like rewriting history in a positive light.

It's WONDERFUL that you KNOW this. Say it OVER and OVER again. It is HIS CHOICE not to FORGIVE you. It is HIS CHOICE not to try to reconcile with such a GOOD WOMAN. HIS CHOICE, his DECISION, as you say and HIS LOSS!!

None of us are perfect. What's important for you to FEEL GOOD about is YOUR CHOICE to CHANGE and to continue to CHANGE to be the BEST that you can be..but you never will be perfect and you will continue to make mistakes as we all do.

As the other person says, it's important to FORGIVE YOURSELF.

I know EXACTLY how you FEEL 'cause I did some AWFUL things in my marriage but I've forgiven myself. I came to realize that there is NOTHING that I can do about the PAST. I have TODAY and the FUTURE to continue to make CHANGES and to MAKE AMENDS. I FEEL WONDERFUL and BLESSED that GOD has given me the OPPORTUNITY to continue on my JOURNEY.

Continue on YOUR JOURNEY, Why. Continue on your OWN JOURNEY to be the BEST THAT YOU CAN BE....