Well, general update, and overall a good one.

We exchanged our ENs last night as per Jennifer. A few surprises for me, but nothing that isn't doable or attemptible at least.

We clashed a bit over SF frequency but agreed that this is a near term and long term issue and we both have to compromise a bit until I calm down.

So...session with Jennifer Sunday night, we'll see how that goes.

PS: had some nagging questions I had to get cleared up about the A and got the right answers, or at least answers that didn't hurt any worse.

I'll answer the other posts separately.

Hi cat,

Well, jeez I guess that is something to think about, but given this unprecedented situation in my life I think I'm not behaving outside the norm, and probably much better than the norm.

quote]We clashed a bit over SF frequency but agreed that this is a near term and long term issue and we both have to compromise a bit until I calm down. [/quote]

I read somewhere that for men, sex releases some hormone (endorphins? or maybe the hormone women get when breastfeeding?) that gives the feeling of closeness and bonding, but women can get that same hormone release in several different ways. Hence the need from the guy's POV for more frequent sex to bond, often.

I can see that this might be one reason you want/need sex so often right now. Maybe knowing this will help her be even more enthusiastic. There's also at least one thread about how the guy felt the need to "reclaim" his wife through SF.

That is an issue with me, although it is fading. She rarely shows any emotion anywhere in her life. So I really don't see any price paid by her emotionally. She'll relate it in a business-like manner, her friends and family look at her differently, she is sorry she hurt me, etc, but no damage to her soul it seems in comparison to this huge wound to mine.

But, as JL said earlier in this thread, do I want damage to her soul, or do I want to be happy in a "new" marriage with her?

If the other FWW here are any example, she WILL eventually feel remorse.

I pray that day comes, and soon.

Meanwhile, I don't think you being vindictive, mean, etc., will hasten that day.

I think we aired out both those concepts, but also wrapped around it is our own history. For many years she felt pushed into too much SF, and got pretty withdrawn about it. When we knocked it back to around once a week she started initiating and was a lot more enthusiastic. And that was okay for me, quality over quantity when things were peaceful.

So that is the real toughie for me this week. I want to have sex twenty times a day, I guess for the reasons you state. She says she is at risk of burning out and becoming reluctant/non-passionate/whatever.

That happened once last week and I tell you it was a major LB to me, I really crashed hard and re-thought the whole reconciliation.

So we are working out compromises and I'm trying to hold back the frequency demands a bit. Plus she is doing some stuff that makes me very happy. None of your business :-)

I agree that me being mean would be exactly counter-productive to that goal, if it is a goal, which I guess it shouldn't be.

If she ever does feel remorse in her soul she would be the last person on earth to let anyone know through a real emotive outburst, though. I mean, she says all the right things now, it was a stupid mistake, she has to live with the consequences, she feels like an "ex-con"...etc, but it seems to come from the head not the heart.

I'm thinking of getting some XTC. :-)

:MrEEk:

Mike in my experience, a fully repentant FWW will torture themselves for a long time over having an affair. My wife is still struggling with forgiving herself after 3 years - and she knows I have forgiven her and God has forgiven her. FWW's don't have an easy path.

You're aware, aren't you, about how most women need to be 'made love to' rather than just getting it on? In other words, what else are you doing for her that makes her want to have SF with you? Are you helping her put up laundry? Are you fixing things around the house? Are you sharing kitchen duty? Are you going on walks with her? Holding hands? Playing cards together? Going to movies?

All these types of things are the real foreplay for women. Sure, the SF, but if the rest isn't happening, we do, indeed, often feel like just a vessel for men. She needs to feel like you're interested in her whole person, in being around her, doing things for her, caring about her health, etc., and not just happy that she's willing to 'do it' with you.

Yes, you make a good point, although I just put up a post in EN called "Sex Question For Women" that I'd like your opinion on.

Events are moving so fast it is hard to relate them all here. I just found renewed contact, also in another thread.

****edit****

You know I've been thinking about this for a while now. I keep hearing about how women are turned on by a guy who helps around the house and takes care of the dishes...

OM did none of that. Not one time did he wash a dish, mow the lawn, cook dinner for her, help with laundry...

I would guess that the romantic walk in the park while holding hands was in play, but when it comes to helping around the house or anything along those lines, it never happened.

OTOH, I have done my own laundry for years, did the kids' as well for most of our marriage and do hers about once per week. I do the real cooking for the most part, do dishes at least sometimes (keep in mind that we have a grown daughter living with us with her daughter.)

So while I see this in books from Dobson to Smalley I wonder if it really has any bearing whatsoever. Are women turned on by a guy doing dishes or is the quintessential OM too hot to ignore (anybody see the movie Unfaithful?)

If all this is true how does one explain the fact that a woman having an affair will often practically attack her lover in a public place while telling her husband to wait till later when he tries to pat her on the butt because he thinks she looks good? Or how is it that a WW will rut in the back seat of a car like a teenager while telling her husband that the stress of the party they are going to is too much and she doesn't know if she'll feel like it later when he tries to steal a glance at her legs as she gets into the car? Why would a grown married woman send naked pictures of herself and poems that she wrote just for him to a lover when her husband seldom gets an email or SMS telling him to pick up milk on the way home from work?

Just wondering...

Sorry for the tj.

Mark

frankly, based on my experience and time on this site, I would suggest that a lot of WS have a rather whorish side of themselves that they attempt to subdue in their marriages.

It is right for men to help out and respect their wives. Unfortunately, many owmen prefer people that treat them like a piece of meat....while they are ringing the "come and get it" bell. Go figure.