Hi all,
Im new here and I have spent the whole day reading all the articles on this magnificent website. I only wish I found it 7 months ago!

I hope someone can advise me as to my next move please, Im at my wits end trying to solve this on my own. If you want to skip the background which is kind of long, my problem/questions are written at the bottom of the page.

Here is a breif background:
Ok here is what happened to me. My partner of 5 years had an affair from November 2007 to until I discovered it on the eve of Valentines day 2008. It was an emotional affair to start with, I remember her talking to this guy on the phone in front of me earlier in 2007 and it all seemed innocent enough coz he was helping her get a job. So that was the start of the whole thing as far as im aware.

After I found the proof she was having an affair I went bezerk on her, i yelled and screamed and scared the hell out of her, looking back it was kind of a surreal moment, like i was dreaming??

After that horrible fight she was staying at a girlfriends house coz i kicked her out with the clothes she was wearing. I was a mess but i was worried for her and called her to appologise for my behaviour and asked her to come back to me to talk and work out our problems. She came back and we talked, she broke down and gave me what I thought was a confession but it was still laced with lies. I found out alot more digginf around for info as well as from desiphering her lies from time to time..

She came and went for about 2 months after that. she said it was over after I called the guy and telling him i will expose him to his wife and his work if he didnt leave my girl alone. He reacted angrily, but not to me, he never replied to a single text or answered the phone when i called, but to my girl for telling me the truth...what a nerve this guy has!

After reading the articles today about moving away from the town to put distance between them i did but it was purely for me to get away from there, and it wasnt for the reasons outlined in the articles, just luck!

She followed me but she was distant toward me and "flighty" she would go away every weekend. My gut knew something was wrong but no matter what i did or said to her she would just go. Her lies became all consuming, saying she was at work when she was 200km away or she was at a friends or parents house when she was 200km away etc, this went on since Feb until last Sunday when she finally admitted to me what was really going on.


So my problem is:

I met up with her on Sunday after she spent the weekend with him (My gut knew this, she denied it at first)
She tells me that she never broke it off with this guy after i found out in Feb, She said that her feelings for him were intense, and that she travelled to meet him whenever she could. .She told me that he loved her and was going to leave his wife and newborn child to be with her and she said she would have dumped me when he did that.

My obvious question to that was why didnt he leave her to be with you if he felt that much for you?? She didnt answer that!

So today we talk again, she said on the weekend she broke it off with him and that she is very upset about it, She also noted that he was very upset about it too. She said she didnt want to contact him again but was finding it hard coz she is so sad now and missed him.

So after all this i guess im looking for help on the best way to tackle this. I know she is having withdrawal symptoms from him now and thats why she is feeling down, but the good thing is she is telling me about this, not alot but alittle at a time she's telling me her feelings she had with him and vice versa. This is 100% more than what she used to tell me in the past!

Im trying not to be judgmental or offend her but rather listening to her and only commenting kindly and making reference to some of the things i learnt here today reassuring her that the feelings she has now will pass in a few weeks but its important you do not contact him at all or let him contact you.

I said after a few weeks we can sit down to talk and start to rebuild our relationship. She responded kind of positively to that but then she says something like "but how do I know im not making a mistake dumping him for you?" Is she just confused??

So with what you guys have read so far, what should my next step be. Im having trouble beleiving and trusting her after she told so many lies to me for so long.

How can she guarantee she wont contact him in a moment of weekness or take his call or reply to his texts..She did say she will tell me if he tries to contact her and since Sunday he has once, so she says.

She is not prepared to do anything like change her number or write a letter to him as the articles say. so how could i tell her this is not good enough without pushing her away while she is still so uncertain as to her decision. She sounds sincere in her intentions with me but at the same time she contradicts herself..
I want to be supportive and caring of her now not pushy and demanding.

Any advice would be great right now.

Thank you in advance
Robbie

are you married?
do you have kids?
have you told the OM's wife that her husband is a cheater?

If you aren't married, cut her loose.

Dump all her carp in the driveway and change the locks.

Run! Run as fast and as far as you can. You are one of the lucky ones. You found out before M, before sacred vows were broken, before children's lives could be destroyed. The OM's poor young wife and baby are not so lucky. Expose to OMW then do what Pariah said!

God's Blessings,

Say

Thanks for your replies...so quick!

We were to marry in August this year, we had a long engagemtent...5 years!

We havent had any children as yet.

I havent told the OM wife yet But it has been something I have been debating alot in my head. Plus I dont know where they live. I only just found out the OM's surname the other day and there are way too many of them in the white pages to even think about calling all of them!

This may sound crazy to you guys but after 5 years living together and sharing our lives together I feel like we have been married, our promises made to eachother at the start of our relationship are just as valid as those made before a pastor or priest. We had a spiritual connection that I havent felt my entire life and her reasons for cheating were a direct result of my actions toward her while we were going through a stressful prolonged period with my business and family.
I know its no excue for what she did but i directly set up the conditions for that to happen.
I know in my heart she wants to work through this and tie the knot officially with me but is lost...Or am i too close to see the writing on the wall...im so confused.

SOUND ADVICE ... you aren't M'd and have no kids, and SHE can't make up her mind. Save yourself the he11 that the rest of us have endured and make her decision for her ...

Put her stuff on the porch and change the locks, like Pariah said.

It's done man.

If you were supposed to get married last month and didn't and she was being unfaithful for a while, then your marriage would have been an abysmal failure.


She has zero respect for you and her toxic cheerleading friends have infected her thinking.

Save yourself a lot of heartache and walk away now. You said she was willing to dump you if the OM left his wife and child. HELLO! Like you said OM is still with his family and he's not going anywhere unless his W kicks his butt to the curb. She's willing to be some man's slopppy seconds, don't make yourself one as well. Tell OMW ASAP. Your GF is a liar, don't believe anything she says.

I am sorry my friend but what in the hell were you thinking? She is screwing this guy for almost a year and you catch her. She has put your health at risk for STD's and has totally disresepect you and your relationship.

The worst part was that you did not tell the OM's wife and only threatened the OM that you would tell but you did not. The message that you gave to the OM was that your were spineless and that there would be no consequences to his actions. You have implied to the OM that he could continue to screw your girlfriend behind your back and you would be quiet about it and not tell his wife. What were you thinking? The consequences of your lack of action was for your girlfriend to continue to screw this guy for another year. You showed the both of them that you have no respect for yourself and you were afraid to tell the OM's wife that her husband was screwing your girlfriend. You can see now what your lack of resolve has resulted in. The OM thinks you are full of hot air and could screw your girlfriend anytime he wishes. Your girlfriend was engaged to you but continued to screw her lover for a couple of years and told you she would leave you for him if the OM wished that. The bottom line is that you must be totally co-dependent on her for you to wish to remain with her. She dumps on you and clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
You would be an absolute fool to stay with her.

LosingBattle,

Your cheating girlfriend is the type of woman that wouldn't even be worth pissing on if she were on fire.......let her burn herself.

Thankyou for your replies,

Your honesty is brutal to say the least but thats why im here i suppose.
I can see what you are all saying, get out before kids and other commitments are made etc and to see this as a blessing.

It still doesnt help mend my breaking heart and the shattered dreams.

This is the second time a long term girl has done this to me, the first was what i call a serial cheater, she had multiple affairs with random guys...
Im thinking its saying i have poor taste in women but the hardest thing for me to get my head around is this girl was different, for 4 years she was nothing but the perfet girl then it all went to sh*t in a flash!

Im just saying i thought i was a good judge of character and this situation has just made me doubt myself and my competance in selecting a new partner..

I truly thought what had happened to us was just a glitch and if we both learnt the lessons from this we could make it work better than ever knowing what the wrong side of a relationship can be. Kind of like having the perspective most of you guys have here in rebuilding a marriage except we have made the mistakes before hand so in future we wont go down that road...

I have learnt alot obout myself and how to build a strong relationship just by reading the articles on this website.


Does that make any sense? im very emotional at the moment so forgive me if i say some stupid things!

No, it doesn't and for that we are all truly sorry. That pain is something that you will need to go through.

Don't assume she was a perfect GF for 4 years. She obviously lacks character.

Learn from this and figure out what mistakes you might be making when picking a potential partner.

Take it from a guy who has had his heart broken by both a WW and a long-term GF...get very picky about who you give your heart to. Learn all there is to learn about yourself and find someone with whom you share values.

Best of luck.

I understand your heart is broken and your dreams are shattered. Too many of us here understand that. While it isn't easy to let go, you should. You are not to blame for her behavior. Move on and find a woman who will treat you right. Take care.

Postone your marraige.

Expose the OMW ASAP. As you see now how maybe the EA could of been stopped before it became a PA if you had exposed.

I hear what you are all trying to say, you have my best interst at heart and are non judgmental like most of the people i have talked to lately and i thank you for that.

Maybe this is all too new to me to be thinking rationally, everywhere i read material that says "get a life and enjoy yourself" and thats the wuickest way to heal from this but its hard.

Over the 7 months we have broken up and got back together countless times. and at each seperation it was unbearable to not talk to her.

Im 38 and I have been in longer relationships than this one and I was married for 9 years before i met this girl and none of the past relationships and the marriage affected me this much when they ended. I simply walked away from them and I hardly mourned the loss at all.

So can anyone tell me why this relationship is affecting me so much?

Talk to a therapist to get some insight about this.

It truly sounds like this was a very dysfunctional relationship.

Sounds like you have a very unhealthy addiction to her. But PLEASE get out. Don't waste another minute of your life when you could spend the time to find a true and faithful woman.

My guess is that it hurts more because it is immediate ... its RIGHT NOW. After some time and distance, you will likely view this breakup the same way as the others, but that doesn't make it any easier RIGHT NOW. We all understand ... all too well!!!

Whenever I've needed CLARITY throughout this ordeal, I have a special place that I go to where I feel secure, calm and "at peace". The "peace" that this place brings to me gives me the chance to see things for how they really are, plus I can get glimpses of how the future might look when considering various options that lay before me. Surely you have such a place in your life where you feel SECURE and CALM, that you can go to for an hour, or a day or two and clear your head.

Give it a little time and remove yourself from all of the drama, and see if you can't find the answers you seek within yourself.

Probably because you are equating ending the relationship with the shattering of your dreams. If you think that is correct, I'd say you should rethink it. You probably did not do this when you ended the other relationships.

I realize its difficult, but instead of thinking about what you will lose, start thinking about what you will gain.