LynnLee,


So he shows this godly sorrow to you by refusing to answer whatever questions you have, and decides he will move out for Your benefit. What a thoughtful and sorrowful WH you have.

LynnLee, you are being cucholded and gaslighted by a WH who has not changed his ways. He is still wayward and is trying to intimidate you into a corner and control a sitch that is no longer his to control.

It is your WH's duty at this point, to answer anything and everything you ask. He OWES this to you as some form of just compensation for his A. If you don't believe that and take your WH back under HIS conditions instead of yours, you are doomed to a life of subservience and humility to a man who has NOT earned it. Not exactly what God had planned for your life, to say the least!

That statement seems to say that you in fact, do know better, but are willing to ignore that for the fear of D that you live with.

Where, exactly, are your boudaries??????
What are the conditions that you will accept your WH back again??? Do you even have a notion that you have a right to these conditions?

If you accept his manipulation of you, and the FEAR he uses to achieve it, then I will pray for you.

IMHO, your WH has:
1). not ended the A that you thought was over(based on HIS say so)

2). There will most cerainly be yet another A in your future because you laid down and died at his request. All in the masqueraded attempt to salvage your broken M.

Don't want to pester you or anything, but your replies do not indicate that any kind of REAL recovery is looming in the future for you. You really need to rethink this doomed thinking, but that just MHO.

I do wish you God speed with whatever you decide.

All Blessings,
Jerry

LynnLee,
You have said that you believe that your H is hurting and sorry for what he has done. You have said that you believe he loves you. Keep these thoughts with you. Work on understanding where your marriage was weak and work to build a strong marriage that is not so vulnerable to an A. Look at what your H is doing today to show you that he loves you. IMHO, I do not think that hurting your H by talking about the A will help ease your pain at all. At least it did not for me and I kept hounding my H for months with questions, none of the answered helped me feel better. What has helped me is to look at all that my H does everyday to show me his love. In my case my H comes home right after work, he helps around the house, and he is involved with our daughter, he did none of those things before and he does them now to show me his love. Actions speak louder than words, if your H is acting wayward then worry, if he is acting loving then try to enjoy that and appreciate him. I wish you the best.

TTLIG,

This spoke incredibly to me. Thank You. Although I KNOW that the A was a choice made by my H, it was all him I know that. There is no justification for an A. And until now - today, I didn't want to take the responsibility for My Part of the problems in the M BEFORE the A. I can stand back and see that if I continue pointing a finger at him I do not have to look at my own self and my contribution to his unhappiness in the marriage before the A.

The truth is, like your last post, he goes out of his way to try to make me happy. He does things HE NEVER would have done before. So, in turn, I need to now go out of my way to meet his needs the way I should have in the beginning.

For me, I think if I admitted anything I was at fault for, I could no longer play the victim and continue to punish him.

I know that in order for me to move forward, make the future a happy place for me and my family I have to make changes and begin to truely forgive him.

Withholding forgiveness is hurting me, my kids, my H, most of all ME. It's hard to see all this before now, which is at the 5 months mark.

He sees every day the devastation he has done and has to live with it forever. He KNOWS what he has done, he does not need me to point it out every day.

Like you said, I will focus on what he is doing TODAY to make he happy, show me he loves me. TODAY, TODAY, TODAY.

LynnLee,
I'm glad I could help.

Here is one more thing I keep in mind that helps me when I am feeling down. I know that my H is a rather selfish person, he always has been, it's not that bad, but he rarely will do something that he does not want to do. So the mere fact that he is here with me means that he wants to be here with me. He is not here out of obiligation or for our daughter, while those may have a part they are second to the fact that he is doing what he wants and that is working hard to be the husband that he knows I deserve.

Also, I try to treat my H like I would a new BF that I was trying to impress. By that I mean I put on make-up, fix my hair the way H likes it, and dress the way H likes me to. I also, try to fix dinners he likes and keep the house clean and inviting. This is all stuff I would do for a new BF if H and I had gotten divorced, so why would I do any less for my wonderful H who is working so hard to try to make me happy.

I was feeling down the other day about all the things H and I have done in the past that hurt each other and my H told me that we have the rest of our lives to make up for it. It little things like that that keep me fighting for a completely recovered and amazing marriage with my H.

TTLIG,

This quote of yours was great to me. This is EXACTLY what I would be doing if I had gone through with a divorce. I would be going all out for a new man, when I need to just go all out for the one I have now - the father of my kids.

During his A, of course, he "went all out" for OW. Everything from getting in top physical shape (which I STAY in by the way), he bought new clothes, cologne, hair, new car & keep it clean, EVERYTHING a man would do when dating and trying to impress a new girl. I hate to LOL but it IS kind of funny, when I think back at his behavior during the 13 months of the A. It's funny and then sad to me. She built up his self esteem, gave him compliments and admired him when I should have.

So, since I KNOW the problem now, I have no excuse not to do what he needs.

So, now that you are in recovery what are the things you struggle with today, since you are farther along than I am?

Well my struggles change frequently. My biggest struggles are my continuous thoughts about what my H said to me while he was with OW and my frequent thoughts about OW.

I recently have been thinking that I doubt my H's love because I sometimes feel like I doubt my love for him. Even if I am not feeling like doing all the loving things I do for my H I still do them, because I do that it makes me wonder if my H is doing the same. Could he really stil be in love with OW and just here with me pretending he loves me? KWIM.

That is why I think about the things I have already told you, like that I know my H is selfish.

The one year mark was really hard for me because I still felt just as much pain as D-Day and I wondered if I would have to suffer that pain everyday for the rest of my life. It has been getting better recently. The hole in my chest where my heart used to be is starting to get smaller. I go through periods of loving my H with all my heart and then feeling as though I will never love him or any man with all my heart again because my heart is no longer there. That is the best way I can describe it.

Basically I feel like there will all be a part of me missing, but if I keep being a wonderful wife and mother then my H and our DD can live a happy life.

Sorry I'm feeling a bit depressed today. I talked to a friend of mine that is divorcing and she is still sad and broken. It made me think how much A's suck. You stay together and you feel sad and broken and if you get divorced you feel sad and broken.

If it's details about the actual sexual acts between them that keep you obsessing, then you can put those types of questions on a back burner until good-will is re-established in your M.

But you absolutely have the right to know if they had unprotected sex. (Assume they did. Most do.) Protect yourself and get STD testing done.

Also, you have the right to know if he brought OW into your home and vehicles. That tells a lot about his attitudes toward you. When a WS brings the AP into the familial home, it's an indication of major unresolved anger toward the BS.

You also have the right to know about kink/fetishes like BDSM, etc. There have been BS here who ultimately ended the M because the WS refused to stop what's considered deviant behaviors.

Another thing to ask if he hasn't already had the snippy, snippy done is was there ever a pregnancy or if there is an OC. This is all too common today.

Of course your WH is hurting. But you are hurting too. And when a wayward would rather quit than deal with the consequences of his actions, it's often a sign that 1) the affair is still on-going, 2)lack of true remorse or 3) some type of personality disorder within the wayward.


Seriously, and I say this with all sincerity, the questions you've been asking at this point aren't really the crux of the matter. Your questions are there because you're are trying to determine your perception of the M during the A to what was and is the true reality of the M.

I can see you're a compassionate person. It's wonderful that you can see your husband's pain. But we also understand that a truly remorseful spouse is willing to put his or her pain aside, and address the betrayed partners pain first. Because a truly remorseful wayward spouse understands *who* caused the betrayed's pain. It's owning the consequences of one's actions.

Telling the BS, "I can't take your pain anymore. I'm leaving!" is far from remorse. It's more like the pride of toxic shame.

I saw in another post you said he got admired, built-up, etc by OW. That is no reason to have an A. As a married man, he took that right to do so away from you and gave it to another woman.

If you were such a terrible wife and mom, then it was within his right to suggest marital counseling or a separation or divorce, if you refused. But to cheat isn't justified.

Don't let yourself get taken by the idea that meeting all of our spouses needs will prevent an A. Even Dr Harley says that some people are in it for themselves when it comes to relationships. He calls them "freeloaders". The ones whom he calls "renters" are close to your description in the post to TTLIG.

If your H cheated because you didn't meet his needs then he's only in the M temporarily. That he'll consider leaving because of your reactions to his A is another sign that he doesn't see M as permanent either.

So, by all means avoid love busting. Leave the vengeance for the Lord, but keep the love. Love is patient and expects the best of each of us. Real love expects a wayward to learn from his behavior and make the necessary changes to become a better person. Real love puts healthy boundaries in place so a willing wayward can work through those issues.

While you shouldn't be accusing or inflammatory, you shouldn't act like the A never happened either. That will make it too easy and he'll not change his wayward ways.

If he refuses to do the work figuring out why he turned to an A instead of his wife and won't work recovering the M, then he chooses to stay in the sin of pride.

If you chose to have a spirit of vengeance and anger instead of allowing your H (if he's truly remorseful)to experience healthy attitude changes and become his best, then you also chose the sin of pride.

But questions will reveal answers that show the pattern of the affair, the secrecy of it and the weaknesses in his attitudes/perceptions that gave him permission to cheat. By purging all the secrets of the affair, the "fantasy" of it gets destroyed. Ow gets knocked off her pedestal in his mind's eye and the door of the A's fantasy-land is slammed shut and locked permanently.He will come out of the fog and see the A for the disgusting act it was.


How you respond to his answers also plays a role into him coming out of the fog and turning toward you. So stay calm with him and don't LB.

Remember, just as much as you feel he deserves your best because he is the father of your children and your H, you deserve that same level of respect and love from him as the mother of his children and his wife.

But you already recognize that on both your parts. Now you can place healthy boundaries in the M that will have him hold himself accountable to himself, the M, and you. He will show his commitment by his willingness to learn and live within those boundaries.

If he's reluctant still, then you might have to do a dark plan B as recommended here. It's not done to "punish" the wayward. Rather, it's done to protect the betrayed from further emotional harm from the wayward.

I hope I've accurately conveyed what I'm trying to say. I also wish you both the best and will keep you in my prayers.

Jewel

Could be.

I had asked my FWW about this (she brought the OM into our home). She replied that it was the most "practical" thing to do at the time, as they could get the most privacy there.

I suspect her resentment towards me at the time probably had something to do with her choice as well.

Whatever road we take to get there... puzzling



There isn't something right about you. I am not
sure what it is, but I've never felt this way about a poster just jumping onboard and suddenly issuing advice.. maybe a parenting board... but not a marriage board in the infidelity category..

See ya around noregrets, we'll chat later.

My struggles and moods change frequently too. I also think back to some of the horrible things my H said to me during the A. I have brought them up and they bring him to tears. I read that it's a TEMPORARY STATE OF MIND they are in. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

And YES, A's DO SUCK. You cannot escape the pain, you either live with it and try to rebuild and recover or divorce and still have to live through it. I also have sooo many friends going through the same thing. I'm amazed at how common A's are these days.

I have to say my H too is also selfish. My MC said that he has unresolved issues from childhood. It's severe insecurity that has just grown over the years. As I've gotten older and more secure, he's gotten older and less secure, my security threatened him. After 40 females kind of "come into themselves" know WHO we are for the first time in life and males go through the middle age crisis thing I think. ONLY my opinion. I hate when I post something and people post such ugly remarks becasue they do not agree.

A few of the posters ask about my "questions" - I have ask hundreds and hundreds of questions and still ask them everyday. I have slacked off with them as I feel I need to stop and move on. I do know I am healing and it feels good. We both want to work things out and keep our marriage and family together.

As for the OW, it's bizzare to me. Physically, I'm shocked my H even looked twice at her much less had sex with her. But she WORSHIPPED the ground he walked on, stroked that ego.

Anyway, still just thinking of TODAY, TODAY, TODAY. What's he doing TODAY to love me.......plenty.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the lies and things said after D-Day. I just had an epiphany of sorts. My moods and feelings change frequently, so what I say regarding things such as the state of my marriage and my feelings for my H also change frequently. What I say one day may differ greatly from what I say the next. So are they lies? No! of course they are not lies, they are my honest feelings and thoughts at that moment.

On D-Day when my H told me he didn't think he had ever loved me like he does OW, that was his truth at that moment. Months later when he told me that he never loved OW that too was his truth at that moment. Basically I think in the first statement he was speaking about the "in love" feeling which he was having for OW and hadn't had for me in a while since we had been together for so many years. In the second statement I think he was seeing clearly (no more fog) and knew that it was just infatuation with OW. I hope I am making sense. This train of thought kept me awake half the night. I guess it's a good thing my H is out of town otherwise I would have probably woke him up and wanted to talk about it, now in the light of day I know that I do not want to talk to him about it because I do not want to talk about OW every again. I want her to fade into our pasts.

RMX...

You are welcome to think whatever you like about me. I am not going to hijack this thread by making some long defense post. The only reason I jumped on after lurking here for so long is that I got sick of seeing the same kind of posts and thought I would offer a different perspective. For my own benefit if no one else's. We all heal and manage in our own ways

**EDIT**