i recently got a call from another woman accusing my wife of having an affair with her husband who is 14 years younger than my wife. they met horseback riding and she goes just about every weekend. there are times that i have gone but i obviously didn't go enough. i found hundreds of phone calls and text messages between them. when i confronted her about it all she said they were just friends. the next day she told me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and hadn't been for several years and wanted a divorce. she told me she had given me all kinds of hints but i didn't notice them. i asked her why didn't just tell me we were in trouble and she said she'd been hoping i would have an affair so she wouldn't have to hurt me. i asked her to cut off all communication with this guy but she hasn't. a couple of years ago she told me she wasn't in love with me but i thought we had sorted it all out. she then told me that i dropped the ball on our "date nights" and i did in some ways when i would ask her to do things she wasn't always willing to do them so i just stopped asking. she talking about filing in a couple of weeks. we are civil to one another and have agreed to do the right thing for the children we have 2 children and i don't want a divorce. my therapist told me to give her space and be patient and to let her go horseback riding even though i know she sees this guy when she goes. i'm doing my best to be patient. she did tell me that her therapist told her the "grass isn't greener" she went on to tell me there might be a tiny shread of love left but that most of it is gone. there have been times when she has come to me for hugs and we even had passionate kisses the night we discussed the divorce. she says we were friend before we married and need to stay friends even though it appears we are headed for a divorce. we have been married 10 years and i'm not sure what i should be doing other than giving her space. i welcome any advice or feedback as to what i should be doing to try and save my marriage. she won't agree to do marriage counseling together as she acts like she's too far gone for that. whenever i bring up that we need to work it out she won't even talk about it so i've been waiting on her to let me know when she ready to discuss what we need to do.

I'm sorry you're here, but you're in the right place. Well, almost. You should repost this (or request it be moved) to the General Questions II forum. Since you do not want a divorce, do not discuss divorce with her. The 'right thing for the children' is for their parents to be happily married, not divorced.

The OMW has done you a huge favor by alerting you to the affair. The two of you, ideally, should work together to end contact between the two of them. Your therapist's advice is totally useless and will result in the end of your marriage. When a WS asks for 'space' they basically just want the freedom to be in contact with the OP. You should not be OK with your WW seeing the OM while horseback riding. Do not let her be in charge of what to do. Be strong, stand up for yourself and your marriage and do not allow any contact with OM, period.

First of all,don't let her blame her having the affair on YOU. It was HER decision alone. Saying you didn't fulfill her needs is a cowards way out. If she was so unhappy,she should have gotten the divorce first. She probably wouldn't have even told you had the OMW not called you. The OMW is probably devastaed too. Like a lot of people who have affairs,they say they aren't happy,it's their spouses fault but they say NOTHING til they are hopefully caught. That's because they want the financial comfort of the marriage but don't want to live up to their vows,having another person in their bed.
I wouldn't give her space. I'm hard nosed. My H would be O-U-T or I would. In Fla,the person in the house is responsible for all the bills so I would probably leave.
If my H wanted to give the marriage a chance, ONLY if there is no contact between him and the affair partner. This is hard because people like this are sneaks. She may TELL you it's over but more often then not,it's not.
My ex-DIL did this. She blamed my son for her affair. He's hard nosed too. He moved out,leaving her with all the bills. He got an attorney and had her served with divorce papers at home.
Her world fell apart. This wonderful "affair" was not love. It was a dirty old man wanting a much younger woman in his bed. When she was finally available,he moved on. Her life is in the toilet. She lives with different family member each month because that's all anyone can take of her and hasn't a dime to her name. Oh,of course,she wanted another chance. Too late. They have been divorced 10 years, He has been happily remarried 4.
Don't put up with it. When they have to pay for what they have done,things then can change. No kissing,no hugging,no laughing,no talking. NOTHING. When she wants to give him up,THEN you can talk. But snoop. They will sneak.

I agree with BHHFSGuy. You should post over on General Questions. There's lots more traffic and lots of vets who can advise you on what to do if you want to try to save your M.

First, read everything you can on this site. Start with the Most Popular Links on the page: Basic Concepts and How to Survive Infidelity.

Sorry you have to be here, but this is the best place to be in these circumstances.