Raven, since neither of you are married, you are both free agents and are free to pursue relationships with others. Please don't ask the folks here to treat your "relationship" as a marriage, WHEN YOU DON'T.

Anyone want to bet the Raven's current relationship is the product of an affair?

If she doesn't realize this, has anyone bothered to tell her? Surely someone could take her out for coffee and have this discussion.

Then she could do something about it and maybe things would change for the better.

As it is, what's stopping the husband from falling in love with another "super hottie" and having an affair? I would hate to see the poor woman end up here.

Charlotte

I'm pretty sure Raven's current relationship is not the product of an affair.

However, I'm not really sure any more what the facts are about the relationship or that there is a relationship.

Raven, I think I recommended this once before. I'm recommending it again. You need to see an Individual counselor asap. Based on the posts I've read, you do not lack empathy which is the only reason for coming to this particular forum and posting a thread with that title, aside from a desparate need for attention.

There are also an overabundance of discrepencies in your posts about your relationship and your husband, common-law or otherwise. Either you don't know what is really going on, or you may be making the whole thing up.

There's a lot that's very unhealthy going on here, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better in spite of working with SH. You may need more help that what phone-in marriage coaching can provide. A skilled face-to-face therapist may needed.

I know I sound harsh, but the title of this thread was really the last straw for me. It was incitant.

I may not have been clear. She does not realize it is affecting her mairrage, becouse she does not realize she has has changed. You can tell this by the clothes she wears. She basicly refuses to belive it and is living in denial.

wow. I'll give this thread one thing - drop a post and be gone for a day or two.

All the replies will not only carry on without you, without bothering to ask (just alot of assumptions on most parts) but hardly even notice you aren't posting back

How Interesting.

Some of you will lose your bets (you know who you are) and some of you are just plain wrong in your assumptions. That's ok

Now, as for those I may have hurt with my title and my doubts - I am sorry. I have been at both ends of an affair before (not this relationship) and I do know it can hurt. That was not my intention.

I guess my title should have been "why on earth would my loving husband suggest I sleep with another man if he says he still loves me and I still love him terribly but i'm very lonely?" but it wouldn't fit on the space...

It was HIM whom suggested if i needed affection or sex or love to go find it with his blessing. He has told me over and over that he has never felt jealous and considers jealousy a sick emotion.

I don't think paranoid jealousy is healthy, but a certain possessiveness about the man or woman you profess to love above all others is a necessary ingredient for a romantic love, IMHO.

I realized rather belatedly that I LIKE someone to feel at least a little possesive - hey, that's my wife! makes a girl feel rather good.

Our vows (not that any of you bothered to ask) didn't include only sleeping with each other. He picked the vows.

I would never go behind his back and sneak off to see anyone. If I ever got desperate enough to need sex or love again he would gladly help me pick someone, would probably want to meet them and get to know them and would happily see me go and not be upset when I came back. It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that he doesn't want me. At least not to himself.

And yes, exactly, I could prance around naked and he would tell me i'm blocking the TV. EXACTLY!!

As for "letting myself go". I am the same weight and height as I was when I met him. The same weight and height as when we had six months of bliss and happiness, romance and 18 hour marathon love making sessions. I'll be the first to admit am overweight, but I was the same ugly fat woman when we met. He's never complained about my weight, I've often asked him if it was an issue to him. He tells me it isn't. He says it's all about the personality to him. I have more trouble with liking my weight than he does. I was skinny all my life (6' and 130lbs) till I was 30. I then got sick, gained 90 lbs in two months and never lost it.

Now - did he hope I would lose the weight and suddenly become his ideal woman after we moved in together? I would suddenly and spontaneously become a natural beauty, a natural redhead and shorter than 5'6"? I don't think so. I'm the same huge, ugly shrek looking woman I was when we met. The same as when he was in love with me. Granted now thanks to modern medicine I have a huge vertical scar running the length of my abdomen (blech) but a wonderful little boy to show for it. But he was cooling off towards me long before I got that pregnancy C section scar.

But things aren't always horrible. Just lonely.

Take yesterday and tonight for example. He's kind, he's sweet, He brings me things from the store. He cooks dinner for the family, he is kind to me. He tells me 'good night dear' and goes to bed early because he is tired.

Some night's he'll let his feet touch and caress mine. But I just wish I understood why he no longer considers me 'romance worthy'. I'm just not sure what I did wrong. What changed? I ask him this all the time, but he either says he doesn't know or he gets angry with me for asking.

Is it an affair when the husband tells his wife he's no longer interested in her (go away ya bother me woman) and suggests if she needs something so badly she go find it somewhere else?

And gg, since you seem to follow me everywhere, Please do congratulate me on my recent marriage One of the things that came of it is that he has gotten rid of all the past aggression and anger he had for me and seems to have forgiven me for whatever it was he was holding a grudge over. For that I am very grateful.

I have to say that the phone counseling with SH has worked wonders. We went from counting the days till he moved out and fighting three or more times a week to getting along for the most part, and once in a while connecting. We only argue now when I mention our personal relationship or I say something personal and negative. If I stay all happy like June Cleaver and do the "yesdear" routine, everything looks like Pleasantville.

For the most part i'm not angry, or even panicky any more. Things have stabalized between us and he's satisfied with living with me. I'm just wondering what to do with the rest of my marriage and what he would like to do. Yes, it's a strange wild tale. Yes it's true - for those of you who are wondering. But frankly I had a much weirder childhood than this so this seems like small potatoes to me.

Feel free, any of you, to ask me anything you want to know. But Please do so with the understanding that i'm not out to dupe or hurt anyone. I'm just confused as to what on earth this male in my life might be thinking and feeling!

He's the only person in this whole universe I care enough about to feel this hurt when he doesn't love me as deeply and romantically as I love him. I just wish he felt the same about me.

Again, I would like to sincerly apologize if I hurt anyone's feelings by suggesting I would think that hurting your spouse by cheating (secretive affairs either emotional or physical against the knowledge and wants of your spouse) was acceptable.

Either fortunately or unfortunately, it was his suggestion. He was the one who thought I should go find someone to sleep with or to play with or to talk with. I would hate it if he did that. But then again, I'm the one who's feeling neglected.

Still begs the question, Hon.

Charlotte

I don't know what to say, raven.

I guess you can learn to live that way and become accustomed to it. Others have.

Or you can say bye-bye and look for happiness elsewhere. After a divorce, of course.

It doesn't sound like a great way to live, whether he is kind to you or not. Personally I would be really bothered by my husband telling me to go find someone to roll in the hay with if I need affection and sex. Although I'm sure he wished I would once he started his A. Nope, ain't happ'nin', Pod-nah!

Charlotte

Um, are you talking to me or Gack1?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.(Running screaming into the night)

Live with it??

Surely you jest.

Are others happy? Satisfied? Or do their marriages just limp along for a while till someone finally meets someone else?

Ptui on that. Had a marriage like that. 14 years of one.

NO THANKS.

Gack.

I think the woman should be told in some way or another. I'd hate for her wake-up call to come in the form of red flags.

I mean, you can always try. Doesn't mean it will work but at least give it "the old college try."

I hear that.

And yeah, some marriages are. That's why God invented divorce attorneys.

But hey, don't listen to me, I'm a cynic now. When I get wedding invitations in the mail I enclose my attorney's card when I send the congratulatory card.

(Not really, but I HAVE thought about it!!!)

Charlotte

I have not personally told her, no. Nor do I plan to. But I am told that is has been brought up with her, she just refuses to see it.

I think she has the opisite of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I have even heard her talk about other girls (same size or smaller than her) needeing to loose weight.



Raven, question.

Is this relationship the product of an affair?

Raven, you have my best wishes on your marraige.

If that's the sort of vows you took and you both have some understanding that you can [censored] other people, then why are you offended by your H's comment? You signed up for it. Just don't expect many people to have any respect for you.

Raven 11, did you have an actual wedding ceremony where the marriage is recognized by the state? When did this take place?

Want to exchange phone #'s?

I like to think that I'm intelligent enough to spot sarcasm when I see it, even if it's typed on a message board.

That was sarcasm, right?

I went through all of her posts because I had that same question. Unless she got married between August 16, 2008 and today, the answer is no. Since she's here posting about recent relationship troubles, it's unlikely that the marriage ever took place.