Hi,

I have a few questions. Just a recap if you don't want to read my situation which a posted below. DH just told me Sat. he had an affair and that it has been a little over a month since. We have been together for 6 years and things use to be great. More over the last 2 years it has been getting a worst until we hit bottom..we was just starting to get back into us, when he confessed what he did.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2128113#Post2128113

Anyways I am not sure if I am handling it right, I don't know if I am being more 'calm' than normal. You can read my thread for more info.

I wanted to know how long it took you before you did these things with your spouse...

How long did it take to..
1. Resume intimecy - hugging, kissing, and intercourse? (how hard was it).
2. Did you continue to sleep in the same bed?
3. Go out together - for dinner, a movie, a trip together, ect...
4. Did you question the spouse everyday and for how long about the Affair? was it as soon as you got together...did you wait a while until later after everybody settle down from work?
5. How did your Spouse apologize, did they just say sorry and then answer your questions?

1. Thanks to HB and my state of shock, we resumed f_cking almost immediately. Intimacy took much longer. About a year.

2. Yes. To me, that's never been an indicator of the state of a relationship.

3. I tried that almost immediately, out of desperation...looking for a way to relieve the pain. It didn't work.

4. I questioned her relentlessly for months. To this day, I have to bite my tongue to avoid asking questions that don't really matter.

5. She started repeating "I'm sorry" over and over again the minute she was busted, and has tried to show me how sorry she is since.

Unfortunately, it's like putting Silly Putty on a sucking chest wound.

Well that's a new one for me...

Want2Stay

Ya like that? I came up with it on the fly, believe it or not.

1. Intercourse was immediately after dday....hugging, kissing is another story...I still can't do it very often. As a matter of fact...last night, when intercourse was my intention, I tried the hugging and stuff, and things went "down"...still can't do it. So basically just like Krazy has stated so nicely

2. During her affair (when she was lying and my instincts were telling me she's f#cking someone else)...I'd say 50/50 (same bed/seperate beds). After dday...same beds. But if I would have known about continued contact, then she wouldn't have even been in my house...she'd be in OM's bed.

3. During her affair....no. She had someone else to do those things with. Although, we did go on a trip (that I booked during her affair) after dday#1...just for me to find out she was calling OM before and after the trip was taken...then came dday#2. We try to go to movies, dinners and stuff now though (since I know NC is established). I won't be wasting my money on her as far as trips go though...not until she proves she's worth it. If I would have known about continued contact during our last trip, I would have cancelled her plane tickets and hopefully would have found someone else to go with me.

4. Not everyday...only when I feel I need to get answers. Sometimes I have questions, but I don't necessarily need an answer yet.

5. Mine only says "I'm sorry" when I'm triggering, sad or angry. This is a bone of contention for me. She says she does it during those times, because of how I'm hurting....I say she does it during those times, because when I'm hurting it affects her negatively. If she'd just do it more often and not only during those times, I wouldn't have that argument, but she still doesn't get it.

What does HB mean? I like yr answer for #1.


Seems like the guys so far resume right away. Are there any women out there that can share there experience (this doesn't mean the rest guys can't respond).

My situation was a bit different, it wasnt a PA, but an EA only lasting about a month.

1)Pretty much right away, because I went straight to Plan A, and SF is a top EN of his (as well as mine). The calmer, quiet, intimate moments are harder for me - my head fills up with questions and its hard to look him in the eyes without wanting to cry.

2)Yes, we have always shared the same bed. On DD, however, I left our bed and cried for what felt like days.

3)We have a baby, so not as often as we normally would, but yes. We also attend MC once a week.

4)I do not question him daily, no. I am too uncomfortable right now to bring it up, and I am trying to remain positive and move forward, and asking those questions just send me 10 steps back.

5)At first, he denied it, so all I got was an apology like "I am sorry you feel that way", or "I am sorry you are overreacting". Then when he realized I knew more, he broke down and apologized for hurting me. He still says he is sorry when he can see I am triggering.