Hello! First off........MedC, everything is cool, S**t happens-people get over it.

Tomorrow H and I have our second MC appt. Therapist said for him NOT to have C with OW or OC until we could discuss it further.

Today, I went online and was able to figure out H password to his cell phone acct. I wanted to be able to pull out the list in front of the therapist to show that H is a liar!

He talked to her almost everyday in August, but I couldn't find anything from September. But that's not to say that he didn't call her from his work phone.

I have OW phone number right in front of me.........temptation is too great, I call. I wanted to see if what H was telling me was the same as he was telling her.

She was very rude and said that her and H baby was none of my business! I said "you had a baby with my H, I think it is my business. She says "he's your ex-husband" WHAT!!!!!!

He told her we were divorced when he started his relationship with her. Of course I said this wasn't true, but she said she didn't know who to believe.

10 minutes later, I get a crazy call from H saying she is taking him to court for CS and it's all my fault. I told him it was inevitable anyway. He is flipping out, so I call OW back.

This time she was nice, and as we talked she revealed all these lies H had said about me. I was obviously more convincing (because I was being honest) and she believe's me now.

She claims that she didn't know he was married, or she wouldn't have started a relationship with him. This I find hard to believe! Then she tells me to give H a message to not come over tonight.

So he was going to go over there and lie about where he was going. He says that he was going to tell me. But we had just agreed on Friday that he wouldn't have contact until we could talk at the MC.

Then he calls me up and says that she wants nothing to do with him, and to walk away,that he does not have a baby. So he tells me that I got what I wanted, and that we are done!

What the heck????!!!!

My intention when I called her was not for her to keep H from OC.

I feel like I'm going insane!!!!! I can't take this anymore! I have a migraine and I can feel a Lupus flare-up coming on.

Did I make the call? Yes. But it was to see if H story and her story were the same. That's all. Now I have this mess on my hands and I can guarantee that H will not go to counseling tomorrow.

I wish I could get in my car and drive away and never look back.

If I didn't have kids, I would!

Anyone have any advice or experience like this. I am going crazy!!!

Hurt

I'm sorry you had to find out the truth this way.

I would speak to a lawyer immediately. It is in your best interests to do so.

She is very possibly telling the truth about not knowing. I have been in the same situation when I went out with a married woman...sometimes they lie.

Get a suppoprt group around you. I would immediately suggest plan b'ing him. He is playing you both for fools and it is time to take a stand.

There is NO point in going to counceling while he is still lying and screwing around with the OW.

first off - you did nothing wrong - calling her was ethical
ETHICAL

second - say nothing to your husband about what you "know" or what you are thinking unless there is a 3rd party with you. (therapist or pastor or priest or counselor or your mother - I don't care who it is but someone YOU trust)

Let him do all the talking and squirming.
If he wants to hear if you have plans say "I'm thinking over my options."

It's important you just listen to him. You will catch him in more lies or see the husband take ofer the WH. But you must pay attention and not interfere with his anxiety.
He will be anxious as heck - and that can be like a truth serum if you remain quiet long enough - they will spill their guts in order to releave their anxiety.


Pinch yourself if you have to keep yourself from screaming.

Right now your H deserves to not know one single thing you are thinking of doing ... he's like an animal who just got his foot and his butt caught in a trap and there is NO TELLING what he might do.

If you have weapons (firearms) in the house, remove them.

Here's the good news - take your sweet time making a decision.
Try not to love bust - right now OW is going to take his cajones and pound them with a meat tenderizer hammer ... your turn to be all serene.


Pep

Ask your rheumatologist for a steroid burst.


Tell him he's off the hook for MC tomorrow.
Tell him you're going by yourself.
DON'T go together.
Pep

That's good advice. But you know what? He doesn't care. He is actually angry with me. He got busted. When or if he comes home he will be in a vile mood. He feels no guilt. He will not be anxious. He will sit in the family room with our son (9) and watch some stupid action film he's seen a hundred times on a 60" plasma TV. If I say anything, he just fixes his gaze on that TV.
Sometimes I think he doesn't even hear me.

no doubt he's angry -
his anger is an expression of his FEAR

he is (rightfully) AFRAID

he's spinning out of control - let him spin



caught with his [censored] up his butt (I was going to fix/edit this but it's too funny - so it stays as is)


good!
ignore him completely unless he bothers the kids
if he bothers the kids call your mother and tell her she's about to have company (you)


then he's a sociopath - IS he a sociopath?


don't say ANYTHING


don't say anything -

IS YOUR HUSBAND A SOCIOPATH?

It's an important question.

Pep

DITTO
DITTO
DITTO

Your children might be second in line if OW files for CS before you do!

Don't let that happen.

Pep

I'm not sure if he's a sociopath. He wasn't the first 16 years of our marriage. This behavior has surfaced this past year.

Ack, sounds like my life. Do exactly as pep says. If this behavior is "only" wayward behavior and not his natural self you still stand a chance at recovery IF IF IF you want to. Do get an atty to file for CS before OW does. Tell yourself over and over "I did nothing wrong". He is trying to throw this back on you and it often works when we are spinning out of control with our emotions. LET HIM feel the consequences. Don't engage him and do not give what you know away.

(((hurtmom))) I am so, so sorry.

BTW, this behavior of seeing OW/OC behind the W back is sooooo common in these particular situations. The OC is often a far stronger draw than we wives really know AND because the OW has given birth to his child he feels "responsibility" toward her as well. It can easily lead to men living double lives with two families. It is SICK!

DO NOT ENGAGE HIM.

This is HIS ploy to make you cave and promise him anything.

Do not try to talk to him about this mess.

You need a time out.

And seeing OW behind your back is how you get an OC#2. Trust me.

BTDT.

Everything he's doing and saying is EXACTLY how my dh behaved.

I could vomit it's so eerily similar.

BTW he wants you scared stiff of him. He wants you so scared that when he throws you a bone, you'll puddle and give him whatever you can to keep him home.

Lean back.

Relax.

You MUST.

Be calm, but DON'T talk to him about ANY of this.

I'm going home right now.

I'll be back on as soon as I can.

I'll also see if I can get some input from the Wookie (my dh) so you'll know from a former wayward that what your WH is doing is SO BY THE BOOK that it's silly and obnoxious.

Too late..........I already gave what I know away. Now he knows that both me and OW know that he has been lying to us both.

He's in a jam allright. That's why he's so angry. I can't file for CS without filing for divorce, which I did do in October 07.

I actually have 4 children with him. When I made my username it said hurtmomof4 was taken, so I chose hurtmomof2. My kids are, daughter 16, son 9, son 41/2, daughter 3.

My oldest knows what's going on, and my 9 year old to some degree. My little ones are clueless, as they should be. We have a Nanny, so it hasn't been much of a break in routine for them.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. H gets off work at 8PM. Have no idea if he's coming home, or if he will try to go and plead with OW to see OC (and her probably too)

what a piece of shi*!

Only thing keepimg my little ones from overhearing anything is that both my Nanny and myself are fluent in french. So we can talk and they can't understand it. My older daughter and son can understand everything.

So, I guess I am stuck sitting here for what I don't know.

Okay.

So you let it slip.

Let it go.

Do not engage him further right now.

Judging from the other WH's I've seen (as well as my own) he's gonna try to keep stringing you both on.

If he goes to her first it's because he's more scared of what SHE is going to do...do not take it to heart...she will, tho.

I do not believe for a minute that she didn't know or at least suspect. Do not trust her...ever.

When he finally makes it around to you, you need to have a plan in place.

Truly, the only way to make this slow down and stop is to formulate your plan and act upon it.

If you want to stay with him, fine...but you need to tell him what you expect of him and he needs to know the consequences if he doesn't do it.

I only have time for this one post tonight, but I WILL be here tomorrow for you. I didn't want you to think I've forgotten you.

I've been where you are.

Whatever you decide to do, I am behind you 5 million percent...but your best protection of you and your kids right now hinges upon you making a plan and putting it into action.

Regards,
Kimmy

thank you everyone for your kind words and support. H is not home yet........3 guesses where he is. Actually at this moment, I really don't care.

I had a long day, and am exhausted. I'm going to take a sleeping pill and go to bed.

I'm double bolting the door from the inside and alarming the security system. If he wants in he's going to have to call me to open the door. Maybe the phone will be conveniently off the hook!

I'll be back tomorrow, probably with more drama!

Goodnight, Hurt

We are here for you, hurtmom and many of us have BTDT.

OW is lying.

She either KNEW he was married, or SUSPECTED he was married and looked the other way every single time some piece of evidence came up that SUGGESTED he may be married.

Think about it. Did your H rent out and furnish an apartment? Did he pay or beg friends to go along with the premise he was single? Tell her BOTH parents were dead?

If you know someone for ANY length of time and know him or her ENOUGH to have SEX with them, things happen. You go to their house or apartment. You meet their friends, you meet family. You slowly get to know things about them.


She knew he was married. This story that she is FORCING him for CS is a bunch of balony.

Do what you gotta do, but don't depend on ANY info the OW is giving you.

Most likely, he's promised her that you are OUT and she will be filling in your spot. It sounds like you guys ain't hurtin for scratch so she's got $$ in her eyes. She's ONLY gonna tell you the truth when its clear that he's taking BOTH of you for a ride.

I don't think this is necessarily true. Some people jump in the sack quicker than others...but there is an exceptionally good chance she didn't know he was married.

Cha-ching.

I will bet cash money that even if she didn't know you were married, she did see a sugar daddy slipping away and got pg on purpose.

But that doesn't really matter. The child is here and there is nothing we can do about it.

How can we help you make a plan?

I DID feel kinda foolish writing that having a sexual relationship signifies intimate knowledge of each other....


How OLD FASHIONED of me......