For the ones that have tried and succeeded or tried and failed, a question:

If there have been arguments and harsh words, years of resentment from mis communications but no A's, can a marriage be like it was in the beginning? Can there ever be that giddy happy infatuation with each other that says "we are in love" ?

H says no. He says that the relationship has matured too far to ever be in love again. That we can get along and love each other, but it can never be the same. Once the initial infatuation of a relationship is gone, it is gone forever. No getting up in the morning happy to be with this one person for the rest of our lives. No looking at them and feeling a rush of desire. No pulling them to you in a huge passionate embrace telling them you love them forever. No seeing them from across the room and feeling pride that they chose you.

There can be care and what SH calls a "mature love" but that's it. SH told me he vowed never to let his marriage become a "mature love". Very good advice. But what if it already has? Can it be changed?

I say yes. That the person we fell in love with is a matter of both chemistry (infatuation?) and action. That if we 'pretend' to be in love long enough, and do the things that made us loving and lovable in the first place something might click if we both believe. I believe that the chemistry may still be there if we activate it. Use the proper catalyst. Something.

Has anyone ever gotten back to the "in love" part? Is it possible? In all my previous relationships (I've been married 2x before and had several boyfriends over my life) once the infatuation phase was gone, we never got it back. I'm counting on MB to change that.

I admit I'm a hopeless romantic and I want to believe that it's possible. But he may be right and I may be setting myself up for disappointment.

H has decided that he wants to "try" with us. Maybe. Possibly. I'd say he's considering thinking about trying to reconcile but isn't quite on the program yet. At least he's considering it tho.

Any hope? Or should I accept that if anyone ever wants to be in love it has to be with someone in which you do not, ever, let the relationship fall to the "mature love" stage?

Raven,

Falling in love and staying in love with each other is what Dr Harley's work is all about. Affair or not, the steps to rebuilding and maintaining that love is the same.

HNHN and Love Busters were originally meant to be a way to keep love going rather than for recovery from an affair. It was SAA that applied those same ideas to ending and recovering from an affair.

If you haven't yet read HNHN and Love Busters or maybe Fall In Love Stay In Love, which really combines aspects of the two, I would suggest that you do so.

Assuming that Dr Harley is correct in his premise that the feeling of love is a reaction to specific stimuli, then doing the right things does in fact cause the feeling of love to happen. The tools in HNHN, Love Busters and FILSIL give us what we need to determine what those things are that need to be done and show us a practical way to make sure they get done.

The result, when done over time, is that both Love Banks remain full and the feeling of love is maintained.

It might not be quite as exciting as when we first met and might not be as athletic when we engage in SF as it was when we were 20, but overall, those feelings can remain indefinitely.

That is, in a nutshell, the Marriage Builders marriage.

Mark

i think infatuation is not love is just lust for sex with someone new. that initial stage where
"you are looking at them and feeling a rush of desire". that is really limeted to a few months and then fades away and i think is what makes people have affairs. my H told me many times that he no longer felt the passion or the heart beating when he is with me or sees me. we see eachother ofter as we work in the same place. it would not be realistic to have those feelings.
i think mature love is more real as it includes a time investement and it is the time we dedicate to the other person that is really worth cherishing, quality time of course. maybe i have all this wrong!?

raven

I just rec'd Fall in love Stay in Love. Its a great book. And YES you can fall back in love with your spouse and have that love be stronger then before. Fall in love stay in love is Harleys plans for rebuilding and strengthing a marrage.

" Intimacy and passion in marrage can be sustained indefinitely " by Dr. Harley. By having the right conditions addressed it can be achieved.

A Pretty Face,

This that because you read the book, or you experienced it first hand?

Well part is reading the book. The other part is that I used to question myself that how can DH look at me like he did before the A? I always doubted that he could look at me the same way as when we were dating before M.

He looks at me now like it was day one all over again. He shows me by small things to big things that I am who he loves, cherishes, and cares for.

Dr Harley states in the book there are two kinds of love. The first kind is romantic love, the feeling of being in love and finding someone irresistible. The second kind is caring love it represents a decision to care for your spouse, do what you can to make your spouse happy.

We all at one point had the romantic love when we were or asked the other to marry them. Over time that love can turn into caring love and thus the questions lay at is this really love? So how do we get to the romantic love again? That is where Harley introduce the pros of Love Bank deposits. And how when one does deposits brings us to romantic love. But of coarse when there are withdraws the love threshold can be lowered. And that is where problems can arise at.

So to answer your question its both the book and by first hand. The book because I want to be a better person in this M. By experience because DH is making love bank deposits that achieve to being in love. Over the last few months we have been on a rollercoaster with different emotions. As of lately we are newlyweds all over again and I never want to come down off this cloud.

Thanks for giving me hope.

I'll give it a little while longer.

I will be more then happy to talk with you and share the book with you. You might be able to find it at the library as well.

Thanks, I'll look for it in our library. I see amazon has one, but sometimes their shipping is slow.

I never, ever realized how IMPORTANT having a loving relationship with your spouse is........Now that mine is almost over, I see just how having a loving spouse effects ALL areas of your life.

NOthing going on in my life right now is very important. I've always thought in the WE way, and now, having to do this for ME, just doesn't rock my boat that much. It seems the ONLY way I can ever be happy again is creating a relationship with my wife all over again. When she leaves, I know I'll survive, I'll change my life DRAMATICALLY and put as many miles between her and I as I can, but it will all be simply to exsist, not thrive.

I guess when I got married, I GOT MARRIED. In fact, I'll always be married to her, thats the scary part.

Folks,if you have a fair marriage, work on it, make it great. Cause once its gone, unless you are on the hoofing side, the pain is TOTAL.

Raven,

I'm in the say boat as you, except that my spouse has already given up and filed for divorce. However, I'm not yet. I don't want to give up for me, for her, or for my kids. I've set myself to work on the changes that needed to happen for this relationship and really any other relationship. I don't know if will bring us back together at any time, but I do know that I'm a better person now, and I really like who I am.

You can not lose by trying.

raven,
i am fairly new to this site too and stand to lose my H. he is the one that had the A but i am the one putting forth all the effort right now....well, that's not totally true.... he has only taken the steps (reluctantly) to put the EP in place...which i am grateful.

we are now counseling with jennifer (from this site) and i have high hopes that she will be able to help my H through his time of withdrawal and help me stay strong, continue to love him and put forth 100% effort on my part to make it better for him.....i want him to fall in love with me. i think he's got it easy....i'm still in love with him. which probably sometimes makes it harder for me cause i think he takes advantage of that and stays put in fogland...

i, too, am reading falling in love, staying in love. so far it's been good. my H has actually read more than me. i am looking forward to getting through it and really making some headway in our relationship.

so, i too have the same question you do as far as can we really 'fall in love all over again'.... i'm hoping my H will truly give me the chance to show him i love him and that he will choose me AGAIN as he did 23 years ago....to show me that he truly loves me too....

good luck and hang in there....

For the first time this week, I actually feel he's 'almost here'. After talking with SH again, I can feel he's trying to be here.

Even tho we were tasked with 15 hours of UA time and it doesn't look like we are going to meet that, the time we are spending together on UA is wonderful.

It's so much better when the walls are down! Hang in there, things can get better. I've seen it. It's not in love yet by any means, but it's "I'll give it a shot". I can work with that!

Thats great that there is a change. The more you and have "UA" attention the more you will feel connected. Along with other things!! I have learned a great lot from what I have read so far and I enjoy it. DH and I read a few chapters a night and talk about it too.

Keep up the improvement!!!

Yeah, but only one hour a WEEK? How am I supposed to build a relationship on ONE HOUR A WEEK?

The worst part is he doesn't even WANT more. What do i have to do? learn to juggle flaming swords? what????

And when I don't get any attention at night, i'm up ALL night (gee whiz it's 4am) cause i'm lonely and can't sleep. All it would take is three minutes of affection and snuggling and such. But nooooo.... hrumph.

I miss being wanted darnit.

I am clinging on to the hope that i can revive the love.

My GF and i have been separated for a month now after 12 years together and 2 kids.

There was never an affair with a physical person only porn.
I / we have tried hard for a year but my little mess-ups (no longer porn related) keep withdrawing love deposits from her bank.

I had lost sight of what i had but in the last year when it looked like i would loose what i had, i began to fight hard for it. I rediscovered my love for her. i felt like i did when we first met and tried to keep the feeling alive by being positive.


I know that somethings in our relationship had settled down, changed or matured. When i read the above quote and thought back, I see and remember how i felt when ever i saw her leave a shop, turn a corner or enter the room and come in to my vision. My eyes would light up and i would smile from ear to ear, this feeling was still there 12 years on, just like when we were frinds.

Now "we are over" in her eyes, in mine we are not. We had chemistry. something made her want me as a friend and then a lover. I have been putting to much pressure on her in the last month, showing my pain and asking her if our relationship had a future.

I now need to change my tactics.

I will improve my self and fix all the things she did not like, if i don't any future relationship may fail. If if all else fails, i will be more attractive to any future relationships.

I will take my time, be friendly and supportive for her and our children.

I will show her what she loved about me in the past and that i have changed.

I will mix a new improved recipe and hopefully reignite our chemistry.

I am hurting so much, I just want to touch her and tell her i love her, but i don't want to continue to make love withdrawals.
I am just going to have to keep a brave face, sit on hands when i'm near her and cry when im alone.

Hopefully she will come to me.

Raven11,

It's all about your attitude.

Mine has been ruined for now, but I think a spouse who proclaims, "Our love can never be like it was before!" is simply displaying a p!ss-poor attitude, and part of an active WS mindset.

Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. :RollieEyes:

If a WS can convince themselves that sex with some pig OP is going to be the greatest thing since sliced bread, they can also convince themselves that they can love their spouse like they are supposed to. They can use those same self-deceiving tactics to better their marriage.

It beats being a mopey child.

Raven 11,

Is this a legal, traditional marriage recorded at the county courthouse and recognized by the state?

You know the reason I ask this of course. It's not fair to ask people to take their time to help you, when your story has been so inconsistent. I suspect that you have one of those "custom-made" marriages where vows are exchanged without benefit of blood tests and a marriage license.

It's only right that you are up front so the members can advise according to the facts.

Yes, for the umteenth time, we are married. geez.

Legally married. Ok now? anything else?

Well, you are right about that. I AM being a mopey child. I've tried Plan A for six lonnnnnnnnnnng months and I'm tired.

But I feel if I give up and get 'on' with my life without him we won't have any chance whatsoever. I feel like someone waiting impatiently for the other person to catch up so we can get OUT of this burning building. Honey? honey? come ON please. we need to go NOW.