Hi all,
I've been reading posts for a while now, but have yet to find anything like what I'm going through. I will start with a bit about myself. I am 34, H is 35, married 11 years, together 14, and have 4 children. It all started about a month ago, I saw a message on his msn from a girl saying that "this is what I'm talking about, you are pushing me away, you're too nice to say it, and goodbye." I found that strange. Then, about 2 weeks later, I was talking on his phone to my brother in law, and someone kept calling. He took the phone, yelled at them, then his tone of voice changed (I should mention that his native language is not English) and he was talking as if it was a male, saying, "why are you calling so many times when you know I have another line!!" his tone of voice changed, and he asked if there was a problem. I don't know why, but that made me feel weird about the whole call. Needless to say, I started to check his email everyday. About 4 days later, I found 5 emails from a girl that he had in the trash, but didn't completely delete. She was saying that she loves him, and begging him not to cancel something (nothing specific). She begged him to call her or email her. Of course I flipped out. I just couldn't understand it. He is always at home, never takes calls into another room or anything like that, treats me great. He said that she was a co-worker and that they would talk, but she developed feelings for him. He said he made a mistake by not cutting off all contact the minute she expressed feelings, but that it is nothing, he loves me, can't live without me and all that. He promised to delete her email, phone number and anything else. (which he did, I checked). My problem is, I can't help but wonder why she would say she loves him and all of that if nothing happened. H said that she wanted more, he told her he is happily married and to leave him alone. I sent her an email telling her to leave my husband and my marriage alone, no reply. What should I do? I believed him, and went back to life as normal, but still thought about it all the time so I installed mobilespy on his phone, 4 days ago (the day I installed it) I found out that he called her, then she sent him a message about how she wishes he could hug her and sit on his lap and watch tv, needless to say, I flipped out. I confronted him 2 days later, he denied everything, I told him I knew they had contact, then he admitted it, but said it was only to tell her to leave him alone. Before I didn't involve any outsiders, but this time was too much for me. I told him mom and his sister. They immediatly confronted him, he told them both that nothing was going on, they were just friends, he made a mistake, he loves me and blah blah blah. He said he never talked to her since I found out 2 weeks ago, until 4 days ago, but he knew I sent her emails telling her to leave my marriage alone. I said, do you expect me to believe you had no contact, then all of a sudden she calls you to tell you I sent her emails 2 weeks ago, THEN she sends a text about missing him? PLEASE!! How stupid does he think I am? I tried to call her, she didn't answer, the coward. So I sent her a message (background info; we live in a very conservative Arab country, she and my husband are both from this country, I am American) and I told her that I will ruin her reputation, her name, and all that stuff (which here, is a HUGE deal). She sent my husband another message telling him she was Downstairs (meaning at his work?) He still denys that. So today she sent me 2 messages, after I told her that she isn't a woman, she's a homewrecker and all that stuff). She replied and lied and said they were only friends, and that she would never try to ruin another woman's marriage, and lie, lie, lie. She said that nothing was going on, she knows he loves me and our kids, she has a BF and will be engaged in 2 weeks, and it was nothing and it is over. Now, I seem to have successfully made it clear that if she contacts him, all he11 will break loose. Now I just have a few questions:

1. Should I continue asking my H what exactly happened in order for her to declare her love?

2. How can I get him to answer me?

3. How can I stop feeling so horrible about the whole thing?

I told him that there must be a problem in our marriage if he can talk to another woman, he insists that there isn't. He says he loves me, can't live without me, made a huge mistake, and feels like death is better than what is going on now. What should I do?

So what are your boundaries?
What will you settle for?
Can you D if need be?

If he knows that you cannot leave him, he will not confess and you will be stuck forever not knowing.

Are you free to leave this man if you desire to?

Are there any articles, particular posts, or anything else here that can help me know what my next step is? What do I do after exposure?

Dr. Harley: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

here ya go!