Well did any of the other relationships end because they cheated on you? If not then I would say that is the reason this one is affecting you so much. Being betrayed is very hard to get over.

Also if you want to avoid being in another failed relationship in the future I suggest you look at yourself and where you have failed in your past relationships. Don't start another relationship until you are healed from this one and use this time to learn about yourself.

Do you have any children from your previous marriage? If so what is going on in their lives right now? And are you involved in their lives?

Really everyone here is giving you great advice to dump your cheating girlfriend.

LosingBattle,

I agree with the other folks here, but you are missing a very important step. And that step is LEARNING.

Please read the articles on this site, about love busters, meeting needs, the love bank, the policies of radical honesty and joint agreement, and Harley's four rules for a good marriage.

Once you have read them, evaluate this relationship against those standards, for example can you list your GF's major needs in order of importance, if so were you meeting them. Don't stop there go back through all of your relationships and evaluate them against these metrics. You will learn a great deal about successful relationships and what it takes to have one.

You may have a weakness for a certain type of girl whose most redeeming trait is one that leads to such behavior. I have no clue.

I think you need to leave this relationship and live on your own for a period of time. It sounds as if you are not out of relationships for very long before entering another one. Stop that. Meet yourself, learn about yourself, and learn about relationships before you continue this one or start a new one.

Your GF needs to do some real self-evaluation before you let her back into your life even as a "friend", and it starts with NC with OM. If she won't do that, she needs to be gone. Even if she say she is doing that,you MUST demand proof. She lied to you before about this.

Frankly, you are lucky, the OM's W is not. She now has a child to rear with or without a man that she cannot trust and clearly doesn't value her or his child. You simply have a woman that betrayed you and you know you cannot trust her. And you will never trust her until she makes some substantial changes to define and protect her own boundaries.

Is that going to happen anytime soon? Nope! Maybe never.

So read, ask lots of questions, and use this occasion and this site to LEARN and evaluate.


God Bless,

JL

Please don't make the mistake of "wanting her at any cost"...that will have dire consequences. You are lucky you found out before you were married. You may have considered yourself as good as married, but obviously, she did not. She devalued you and disrespected you so much and even now, if OM wanted her, she'd undoubtedly be with him. How can you want someone like that? I agree with the other posters here. It's not likely you'll be able to trust her again, do you really want to live like that? MedC offer you some good advice about learning about yourself...take a break from relationships, maybe see a counselor about how/why you get yourself into these relationships, esp. since it's happened before.

Thank you all for your advice, Im starting to come around and think logically. I have read all your replies to my post and thankyou for the time and effort you are putting in to help me at this time of need.

I have a question, i read alot of posts here about how men on this site have been cheated on by their wives and how these guys try to fix their relationship and live hapily ever after. Is my story any diffenrent to the other "dysfunctional" relationships out there? Why should i give up on her when wives are doing just the same to their husbands and sometimes worse? If you read the second last paragragh you will understand what i mean here.

As for taking time to be alone, I think i have mostly done that since Feb. It doesnt look like it but i have done alot of soul searching and learning about myself. counltess websites and books later I can see now where this relationship and all the others in my life have gone wrong. Plus we have not been living together since June, thats when all her things were moved to her parents..

I spoke to her last night, we went out for a burger. She said she didnt mean what she said about dumping me for him. I admit we did argue before she said that and i said some mean things to her to hurt her, i know it was wrong and i apologised immediately after saying it but i felt hurt by her betrayal and she can see that now.
She admitted to saying that coz she knew it would hurt me back. She apologised profusley for it and wants to work on us, to stop saying mean things to hurt eachother and to rebuild the trust she destroyed.. She just said she is feeling down at the moment coz of all the mistakes she has made and how stupid she has been. She apologised and cried alot for the pain she has caused me.

There are two sides of this story..
I can see how i slowly stopped meeting my gf emotional needs, In the beginning as with most relationships i met all of them, she told me this and she said i made her very happy for the first 3 years of our relationship.

But I know for a while early last year I didnt show i cared for her or supported her through a tough time she was having when her father had another heart attack, she also slipped into mild depression over that and our situation at the time which made me angrier at her. It seems illogiacal to me now that i behaved that way toward her considering she was always there for me when i needed her.
Looking back at that time i was a selfish [censored] toward her. I neglected her and didnt appreciate her or anything she did.

I see the mistakes i made as clear as day now and its upsetting me i did that to her. Am i going crazy? She just crapped all over me yet all i can see were my misdeeds to her..

I know I have painted a bad picture of her in my first post, I just thought I would give you all the other side of the story. It doesnt justify what she did but i did set the scene for what happened and virtually pushed her into the arms of another.

I blame her for being weak and giving in to that but i dont blame her for not trying with me. I remember she tried for so long to get me to stop being an [censored] and open up to her and show her more attention and appreciation and support.

She tried on so many occasions (pre-affair) I remember those times like it was yesterday when she was in tears begging me to listen to her and to just talk to her. I remember coming to bed knowing she had been crying because of my ignorance and coldness to her. I replay those times in my head every day and its upsetting me that when she did reach out i ignored her pleas to me.

I beleive i was a good provider, we lived together like a married couple did, joint bank accounts, we took out a mortgage on an apartment together, we shared houshold duties, furniture and a whole lot of other things we bought together for our house and our future. All that will need to be divided up once we split up for good etc, the only thing we didnt have was that piece of paper saying we were mr and mrs.

I know im harping on something you people think i shouldnt give a second thought to, but its tough to let this go. Im seeing a councillor on Monday so hopefully she will be able to guide me through this alittle better than i have been.

I DID IT!

After reading and re reading all the advice here it seems like all of you agree on one thing and that is for me to get out of this before it gets even more complicated.

Well this afternoon i spoke to her. She was moody anyway and i know why, its getting close to the weekend and she wants to take flight again to see her "friends" I listen to my gut instinct all the time now coz it has never been wrong in the past, i just never listened to it!

It kind of got heated while i was talking to her, I suppose all the anger inside me for being betrayed for so long and her keeping it from me finally got to me and i lost my cool. No insults like ages ago, I just expressed my feelings in a very loud way!

She panicked i think coz for the first time i meant it and she felt it. she grabbed my hand and said to stop. I said no its done im sick of being treated like crap from you and being humiliated and insulted by you for being your second choice...your safety net...I said you dont deserve an ounce of my respect if any at all coz you lowered yourself to be his whore to use whenever he wanted to get his rocks off....she got really [censored] and jumped out of the car.

Did i go too far?? I think she deserved it and probably more..and you know what? for the first time in a long time i feel good about this...I dont know if it is coz of the encouragement im getting from this site and this forum or from you great people telling me its the right thing to do or i finally snapped inside? Whatever it is, i feel kind of like a release now..

I hope this deeling lasts!!

Make that feeling last!

Join a gym, start a marathon running program, get 1001 new hobbies. Do something to occupy your time as you suffer withdrawals from this relatinship.

Yes, ending it will hurt. 5 years of your life has been spent trying to build a life with her. In the midst of that "building" she was off getting what she wanted from life and she was not too concerned with you at the time.

Think of the pain that you feel right now. Take it on the chin and grow from that pain BUT AWAY FROM THE ONE THAT IS CAUSING IT. Otherwise, get very used to that pain as she will do it again.

IMO, you should find a close find that will hold you accountable to staying as far away from her as you can. Wheneven the urge strikes to reach out to her, accept her call, be close to her, allow her back in, etc ..... starts to win - CALL THAT FRIEND.

Good luck, I look forward to seeing you post about he loyal, loving, wife that you will find after you have healed and are stronger.

Son, shacvked up is NOT MARRIED

YOU ARE NOT MARRIED

This woman is NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you really think all the men on this site that chose to stay in their MARRIAGES would have done that if there were no children?????? of if they didn't share 25 years (in my case) of marital history?

YES you DO have poor taste in women. AND you are commitment-phobic.

This "relationship" isn't worth saving.

and for the love of GOD PLEASE expose to this OM's WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good freakin grief. You at least owe that woman THAT much.

Thanks modaisy,

I apreciate your advice and im taking it as well as going one step further...In May this year I moved 200km away from my family to be closer to my ex's family so she could "straighten" herself out. I made a big sacrifice moving here and now im all alone and my good intentions went out the window.

So I have been on the phone all afternoon and night to my brother and close friends and made the decision to move back home and leave all this crap behind me. They are driving up to me next weekend with a truck and helping me get all my stuff out.

My friend offered the back room of his house to store most of my things and the rest will be coming with me to my mums house.
Its going to weird moving back in with my mum though, havent been there in 15 years! But everyone is enthusiastic about me coming home and are helping me..I feel great!

I figure to be closer to all my family and friends again will be a good thing and they all know whats going on and have vowed to help me

I text my ex and told her to be here before next weekend to collect the rest of her things otherwise i will take what i want and leave the rest in the drive way.

She called me straight back and i made the mistake of answering, short story she was trying (not very well i might add) to stop me from moving saying im making a mistake by running away and not giving her enough time or a decent chance..... HA! I told her to F@# off. She asked if i was moving for real or was i trying to scare her i said im going and when i go from here next week it will be the last time i ever see or talk to you again. I said enjoy the crap life you have chosen coz my crap life with you just ended!

Im feeling sooo much better now, i dont know what snapped inside me, maybe 7 months of crap from her did it, maybe i have regained control of my life coz im no longer accepting being treated as a door mat by her...? whatever it was its a liberating feeling..

LB,

"i read alot of posts here about how men on this site have been cheated on by their wives and how these guys try to fix their relationship and live hapily ever after. Is my story any diffenrent to the other "dysfunctional" relationships out there? Why should i give up on her when wives are doing just the same to their husbands"

ONE: They were in a committed relationship, married. You were not. You were just dating 24/7. Have GF close for 24/7 SF. Dating is not making a lifetime commitment. Just a commitment not to bang anyone else.

TWO: Married people have many reasons to try and recover.

THREE: Why everyone is saying dump the WGF is that you are young enough to restart your with someone new. There are no children to save a marriage for. These are only a few of the many reasons why it makes things very easy to break clean from WGF.

FOUR: The most important reason is when one is dating is when a person has their strongest feelings of infatuation and still can cheat on you. Life has shown that when you are cheated on in the beginning they are most likely to do it again later after you are married to them. I can't remember all the BH's that this had their WW have a PA while dating them and came here years later only to have their WW step out on them again.

bigkahoona
i get it now...the posts i wrote last night and earlier today was me talking through clouded eyes and a fogged up head..! i hsve been reading more and more posts and see the difference most of the people here have to me. There is really no comparison.

As to contacting the OM wife...How do i go about finding her number. I dont have anythong more than a surname and i have googled that, looked in the white pages but there are so many of them...Are there any other ways to accurately look someone up just with their name? I dont even know what suburb he lives in. I cant afford a PI.

Any Suggestions?

Get the cell phone bill ang use the number your wife was using to contact OM from there.

Place a recorder in her car and catch her still in contact and DEMAND his home phone number.

Or better yet, damnad it immediately, if she refuses, out the door she goes until she complies.

pariah, i booted her out today, im not going to contact her. i have his cell phone number and thats it. i want his wifes number but i dont know how to get it or even an address, i will go over to her house if i have to!

all i have is his name and cell phone number i have no idea what part of sydney he lives.

You know where he works, right? You can always call the list of numbers you have and call when you know he'll be at work. If the wife just had a baby she may still be on maternity leave or a SAHM. When a woman answers tell her you are looking for Mr. OM who works at ABC company. You can verify further by asking if she recently had a baby. Do you know for fact that the baby exists and OM wasn't just giving your exGF this as the reason he couldn't leave his W. If OM owns a home you can search property tax records to get possible addresses as well.

i know she had a baby, aparently my ex didnt know about his marital status and his wifes pregnancy until the child was born several months after it became PA. I know this coz my ex used to keep a diary and i read it one day while she was out. she stated in her diary whe was devastated by the discovery....haha...i almost laughed when i read that, what a hypocrit...

I know where he works but what would calling him at work achieve? its not like he or any other staff member there would give me details like that. searching property records is like finding a needle in a haystack, his name is a very common one and there were over 1000 entries of that name in the white pages!

the key to this is I need his wifes number, i only have his cell phone...i could follow him home from work when i move back i suppose but it seems like such a waste of my time to do all this. I have wasted enough time and energy on it already.

I am sorry about what you are going through but it is much better now than when you are married. You dated for a long time and if she is willing to cheat right now then it won't be better when you get married.

I divorced my wife after she cheated. It was not a hard decision at all and once I did it I have not felt so alive in years. You can still meet someone that will not cheat.

The fact that you caught her and she continued to cheat tells you everything you need to know. When I caught my wife and told her I was going to Divorce her she tried all she could to keep me.

Once they lose control they change. She did not respect you since she could live with you and run to her OM for her fun. Now that you won't be her fall guy her life is about to get very bad. She will regret it but please get away from her.

It is so hard once you have kids. Look at it as you were saved from disaster. She could have done this when you were married and it is hard to just move away. Look at it as a new start being around your family.

Best of luck to you.

Search deep inside yourself for just a minute ..... Do you want to tell his wife out of revenge or for a true concern that she should know?

If it is for revenge then you accomplish nothing as you will never know what became of the situation unless you stay involved and follow up. If you do that then you are a prisioner to this.

If you, really, are concerned that she should know about his actions (she should know about his actions) then do everything that you can to locate her and tell her.

I cannot tell you how to find a person there as I am sure the systems are different down under.

the motivations of the poster do not matter. The BS ALWAYS has a right to know.

Your continued horrible advice on these boards is really disgusting.

You misunderstood me about OM's work. I only meant that if you call the residential numbers you have that when the phone is answered that you could ask if her husband works at ABC company. I didn't mean for you to call his work. I said call when you know he's at work so he can't answer and hang up if you find the right house. Or maybe you should call when you know he's home. That way you can recognize his voice. You'd have to block your number though but some people don't answer unknown callers. ?????????

If his name is that common and you're talking hundreds vs a couple dozen numbers than it's up to you how motivated you are I suppose. I don't know where you live but depending on the county, searching by property tax bills is not difficult. Again it depends on how many possible people you have as potential matches.

The thing you need to realize is that all marriages and relationships have ups and downs. Life has ups and downs. There are many ways to cope with these events and all require some level of pain and effort.

One way of dealing with things is to runaway emotionally and have an affair. This method of coping is wrong on many levels but it IS A METHOD OF COPING. Your GF has chosen this method, and that suggests that she feels it is an acceptable method. You don't! We don't! Given no indications of introspection on her part, no indications that she has boundaries about such violations of trust, we all reached the same conclusion.

People can and do develop new ways to cope. But, they have to be strongly motivated to do so. Your GF is not. Your reactions to her cheating simply motivated her to move deeper underground, but not really very deep. She knew you knew that her trips with "friends" was in fact to see OM and she did not care.

Are you seeing a picture? A pattern? We all do. We focus on you not being married and having no children for several reasons. Marriage is a legal and Holy institution where VOWS not just promises have been exchanged. The real purpose of marriage is to have and rear children. Children flourish in two parent families when both parents take seriously their role. Children are hurt by divorce. They are emotionally, financially, and even with regard to their ability to have good long term marriages. Hence it is best IF a marriage can be saved. But, even further, children often provide the motivation for a person to change their coping methods where the spouse often fails in this mission.

We would love nothing more than to save your relationship and marriage if you were married. But the reality is that at this stage the odds don't favor it.

I wish you all the best in your move and restarting your life.

God Bless,

JL