Good job on ordering that GPS.

I don't remember, did you put a voice activated recorder in the car, or not? Do you plan to? I think it's a very good idea.

You're holding together really well for what you're going through. This is a really tough time, the waiting and wondering. Once you get solid proof, you'll probably feel sick to your stomach. It's one thing to "know" but it's another thing to know.

Try to eat well, sleep if you can, and exercise. Take good care of yourself.

No I didn't, and I don't plan to. He's not talking to her on his cell phone anymore so I guess I just don't see the point. I would bug his office though if I thought I could get away with it as I think that is where he is talking to her. Plus he tends to talk to me when he is driving anyway so all I would get is our conversations.


Thank you, I am trying. I feel sick to my stomach right now....I imagine once I know for sure I will probably throw up. At least once anyway.

Well I did get the GPS today...and I got it all set up as well. I will be putting it in his car before I leave in the morning.

I cannot describe how much better I feel just knowing that I will know where he's been. It really makes me calmer.

Hi

You don't have to put a gps in anything. Youre husband is having an affair. No doubt. I know simply because he is the food biz. There MAY be more professions that harbors more infidelity (bands?)but I would be hard pressed to find one. Its full of people who wander around in life, never having the self discipline to make something of themselves.

99% of the people in the food industry FALL into it because they fail in everything else. Very, very few actually CHOOSE this profession. They END UP in it. THis bartender you husband is messing around with, is she currently going to school, part time? Almost ALL bartenders and waitrons in the food biz go to school, part time......FOREVER.

The phone exchange she had with your husband, about giving up her shift to someone else. He responded that "she never wants to come to work or "hang out""......No manager would put up with someone who constantly calls out....and NO manager wants someone who is NOT on the schedule to come in and ...."hangout".

He's messin around. And it doesn't sound like its a "love affair", it sounds like good oldfashioned "sex affair". This "woman" is doing your husband so that she can get the best shifts, call in when she wants to, and get away with stuff others can't (smoke breaks, drinking on the job, drinking after work, looking the other way while $$ is slipped into her pocket, taking food home, etc.) I've seen the UGLIEST, STUPIDEST male managers hook up with the most GORGEOUS employees simply because they have a bit of power. (Women love cash, but POWER comes in a close second)

Fin, the food biz is PLAGUED with infidelities. Its an EVERYDAY occurance. Its accepted. If someone DOESN'T mess around, THEY ARE THE EXCEPTION to the rule. So, in your attempt to obtain proof, DO NOT, DO NOT ask or involve ANYONE who works with them. They WILL tip off the "woman" and your husband. If its a catering hall, wedding place, etc.....maybe someone can go to an event that is open to the public and observe (a spotter), maybe with a little camera. If they are the average cheaters, you will be able to see stuff just by being observant. Touches, both disappering together, etc.

She will continue messing around with your H as long as she can get stuff she wants from him. HE may find ANOTHER prey, OR she may find a job where the prospects seem as if they can be used to get BETTER STUFF.

I really wouldn't worry about them running off (though it is possible), I would worry BIG TIME, HUGE TIME, COLOSSAL TIME about STD's. This woman has a parking meter by her bed, for sure. Protect yourself.

And IF you get over this episode and heal your marriage.................part of your healing pact is to GET HIM THE HELLLL OUT OF THE FOOD BIZ AND INTO ONE with less chance of being a sexual playground. I know ANY occupation can lead to affairs, but some ARE A BREEDING GROUND. Where affairs are EXPECTED, they are the NORM.

Good luck. Just be ready for bad news. I'm sorry that I was so blunt. But there are FEW things in this world that I am an EXPERT on, and THIS INDUSTRY, I am an expert on. I've seen it all, stuff that people NOT in this industry would NEVER EVER believe. Be tough.

Ugh, ew... and

Gee, I didn't know it was so rampant in the food industry, gaba. And here I was worried about it in the dance world!!

I am currently attending school to become a pastry chef. Thanks for the heads-up about this. I'll now know to be extra careful!!

Charlotte

Pastry chef??

Thats wonderful. If youre artistic, and since youre involved with dance you probably are, you will have a BLAST. ANd a great way of expressing your artistic side.

Pastry chef is different froma chef because baking is a SCIENCE. Its NOT a pinch of this and a pinch of that. EXACT MEASUREMENTS. In fact, things are measured in WEIGHT, not volume.

God, once you start PLATED DESSERTS, the flair and art REALLY come into play. There are plenty of pastry books and mags, LOADED with gorgeous desserts. Pastries, breads, ice creams, etc......its really wonderful. I had to fill in as a pastry chef for a few months once. I read and learned to make 5 or 6 desserts real well and stuck with them. I got by until a REAL baker came in.

Plus, you'll be working mostly DAYS, which in this biz is a plus.

BUt, yeah, beleive me.......within a few weeks you will fully understand what I am talking about. Its the TWILIGHT ZONE out there.

Congrats and GOOD LUCK!!. Hey, if you need ANY info just post. I will always try to help. Night!

That is very interesting about the food industry. I never even thought about the OW hanging out for better shifts or more money. She doesn't sound like she has a very good history.

Hopefully the GPS will give you the story.

Stay calm. I caught my ex and the OW in bed doing it. All I did was leave his house and run home to report on MB. It surprised me. It was actually a relief to have solid proof.

Wow Fin,

Sorry you are here. I agree, there is an A going on. You can run yourself ragged looking for proof, or you can get to the business of living...

The worst case is this might be a couple of years out of your life and you might end up D at the end of it anyway. This might hang on, or another OW will come along, or the mistrust might never go away.

You have no kids...have you considered cutting your losses and moving on? I know this is a MB site, but there are many that end up on the D track after an excruciating couple of years. Just something to think about.

You are expending a great deal of energy looking for proof...building your case. I understand this. But sit back and assure yourself that no matter how bad you think it is, it is probably 2x or more worse.

Reconciliation and recovery are hard work, and will be a couple of years of trustful behavior before your M will be out of the woods. That is provided recovery begins soon. And it doesn't look like this WH is willing to stop anytime soon...

If I were you...I would pull out all the stops and give him my best Plan A. No arguments, questioning, etc. When he comes home be gentle and loving. Kill him with kindness, his guilt will mount. Collect evidence, and when you feel confident, expose to everyone. See if you can stop by work, ask to speak to folks at work, go out where they go after work and chum it up with some coworkers...they will tell you things or see things you don't. Expose to yours and his family, to work, to anyone important to her. Then Plan A through the fallout of that. If things don't stop, then start to move to a Plan B.

What would that look like? Would he move out? Would you? Start making plans now. Decide now how long you want this to continue, when you will extract yourself from this chaotic, gaslighting, and disrespectful situation. 2 years? 1 year? 6 months?

Having the Plans to back you up gives you strength to do what needs to be done. Dr. Harley has a pretty clear step-by-step plan that will enable the BS to keep their strength while the A dies a natural death.

You are in despair now, but things will be better...

I agree with gaba, the hospitality industry is a breeding ground for casual sex. I would see no point in exposing at work, it is too common place. (Unless the place is owned by a conservative type and may be worried about sexual harassment suits).

You may be able to scare off this OW, get all trashy on her level and threaten her. But, there will always be perky college students waiting tables and sleeping with managers to get the best station and shifts.

There is a very hedonistic mindset in the hospitality business, which creates a fertile stomping ground for someone with an entitlement mentality.

I wish you luck.

My husband actually chose this industry and has a degree and has worked really hard to get into the position that he has. So in this case I would have to disagree.

Not a clue.


For the last 6 years before this job he worked for a catering company and managed events and did delivery's as well as cooked the food. He works at a golf course now as the Food and Beverage Director a position he's worked really hard to get into. There has never even been a hint in his behavior before now of even the slightest possibility of him cheating on me. Or even his girlfriend before me...I've known him for a long time. I've also worked with him at several different jobs over the years and known all the people he works with very well. Even now I know the people he works with and they all like me. If there was something going on that was that obvious at work I am rather confident that they would tell me. Which tells me that if there is something going on (which I am not going to be surprised if there is) he is hiding it really well at work too.


I've been in the restaurant industry (cook, not a waitress) since I was 17 (I am 30 now) except for the last 2 years when I've run my own business. I would call myself an expert as well. I, too, have seen it all. I also know what the behavior looks like and have been on alert for it our entire married life. Never before now have I even seen a hint of it.

Really, this is all I am looking for. Solid proof that I am not crazy.

I haven't made a decision on how this will play out yet. I am not sure at this point what I will do. It will be an easier decision to make once I know for sure.



Sadly enough, this I do know.



I am currently doing this. Its harder then I thought it would be.

I am currently doing this. Its harder then I thought it would be.

Yes, and be careful. I have read on here, and seen in many cases, it is harder for a woman to Plan A...or rather...it is easier for a woman to lose love while in Plan A. I thought I had read it is common for a W to find she is losing love after only a few weeks in Plan A.

Please check yourself often, if you are in it for the long haul and you find your love slipping away, then consider moving to Plan B in a hurry...it will conserve the love you have remaining so you have some gas left for recovery. Plan B is not about illiciting a change in the WS but to protect the love you still have left while the A dies. It also throws the WS and the OP into the arms of each other where they often find that

1 selfish-person + 1 selfish-person = 2 chaotic disaster

This I do believe. I will do the best I possibly can so at least if we do end up in plan D then I will know that I put in the best possible effort to save our marriage. I will know that divorce didn't happen because I didn't try. My parents have been married for 35 years. I wanted that too.


Thank you for this advice. I will keep it in mind.

You will feel much better if you do try to save your marriage. I tried for a long time and have no regrets about not doing my best.

I suggest that you set a time limit in your mind about how long you are going to do Plan A - maybe until Halloween or Thanksgiving. It will make you feel better. Then, if hubby doesn't come around, you still can go to Plan B to protect your love for him.

Yes, this is my feeling on it. I don't want to have any regrets. At least if the worst happens I can look back on it and say "yes, I did try that, it didn't work" instead of always wondering.


This is something I am going to have to put some thought into. Christmas is coming up and that just makes it harder.

OK.

I stand by what I posted. I've been in this biz for over 30 years. As a waiter, cook , chef and now owner. You know your husband and the place he works.

The only thing I would stress,and I mean STRESS, is if you think, for ONE minute, that his employees will rat him out, you'll be waiting a long long time. (the exception is if he cans someone. If this happens, knowing your every day restaurant worker, they MAY drop you off a note. This is a very real possibility. But most of these people are or have been in the situation you believe your husband to be in at this time. So, they see it as none of their biz.

Good luck, I really hope you have a handle on this. Just be ready to deal with it.

The only reason that I think this situation is any way different is because he doesn't and hasn't worked in the "typical" restaurant industry for almost 8 years.


I don't disagree. Thank you for the reminder.


Thank you, I probably need it.

Hi Fin,

I don't know how many other threads you may read through here, but this one has a similar ring to it. It's worth the read.

KLD's Thread

quite a few


Thank you for the link...I am reading that thread now.