Thanks nerlycrzy,<P>Yes, I understand what you mean about showing the OM how it really is. Trouble is, my H and I aren't doing so well, although, as I say, we are trying. When we're in public I try extra-special hard to show strength, just in case the OM even just drives by us. No kidding. <P>Yeah, that earthquake about scared us to death... really shook where we are!! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

heryl, maybe you're thinking to much about it. Maybe yo both are.<BR>How can you forgive yourself, if you think about it so much? <BR>You will have to give it a break, Make it a "No thinking about what happened" day. <P>I keep saying this, and might sound uncaring when I say it, but sometimes we are creating our own "lows" with so much thinking about it.Grab what happened and put it where it belongs:PAST. Try to have sometime everyday where you forbide yourself to even think about it. Pick up a book whenever it pops out, or better yet pinch yourself something so you can gradually live that behind you. Untill I did this, I was not able to fully enjoy the recovery in my marriage, I was keeping what happened in the present.<BR>Have to go now, be back in a bit with the rest <BR>Kat <P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Yes, Kat, you're right...<P>My H just popped his head in from the garage, saw me sitting here, and said, "well, that didn't take long" which means, he thinks I spend waaay to much time here. I tell him that it's my sanity. He isn't here so much of the time that I've had to find a place to go emotionally. Maybe this place does the same... keeps it fresh. Ah, heck... how do I know? I'm trying so hard, and maybe it is TOO HARD, but I don't know how to let it go. I have a four day trip this week - away from the family and the OM (thank god he was not allowed to go, everyone else in the office but he and a secretary). I don't want to go though. Thing is, if I would have stayed, well... you see the problem inherant in having just me, him and one other person. <P>All I know is this: I'm dying inside, I'm trying to find my way back to my H and so is he, I'm eating too much, sleeping too little and basically a basket case.<P>So goes the life of a guilty betrayer.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl,<P>Have you picked up any books like After the Affair etc. There are some really good ones out there. In After the Affair there is a story from a lady that talks about the man while they were having the affair. She said she could not believe how much they were alike soulmates etc. Then four years later after she had left her respective spouses she wrote back to say things like; We don't even like the same music anymore, he is so different then he was when I first met him etc.<P>The reality is there is nothing like first being in love. The feeling that you get from knowing that person loves you is the best in the world. The reality is that first feeling will fad just like everything else. Kids, jobs etc. The affair is all built on lies and not the real world. In the book it also says that only 15% of the people that leave their marriage because of an affair and marry the person they where having the affair with make it. A very sobering stat. Things always look better on the other side. We are all on our very best behavior when we first meet someone. But that is not real world. Get the books on this stuff. They are outstanding and really talk about the feelings that everyone goes through. <P>One lady in the book said that they biggest turning point was when she and her husband really began to empahize with each other. Then they turned the corner. Maybe that is what we all need to do. If your OM is married then why is he not treating his wife the way she should be treated. That is a major red flag.

Oh Sheryl, that makes me sad to hear you say "that's the life of a guilty betrayer." It's not. <BR>It's the life of someone that sincerely regrets past errors, and would go back and redo the past if possible. That desperately wants a happy future and is constantly seeking a way to attain that happy future. That keeps looking here for the answers or a shortcut and finds that there are no surefire answers or shortcuts. <P>It's that same ol' answer we hate so much. Time and perseverence. Time will heal and if we use that time to reconnect, to build new memories and dreams, to show our appreciation for what we have and our willingness to work for what we need, that time will have been wellspent and will have accomplished the goal. <P>Keep doing what you're doing Sheryl. You are on the right path and heading in the right direction. It isn't easy and some days it seems as though you're not making any headway. But that's part of rebuilding. 21 months into this and we still have some difficult days. But you know what? We'd have some difficult days even if this hadn't happened. We just wouldn't be as aware of a bad day or able to put our finger on WHY? Now every bad, or so-so day, is blamed on the affair, on the past. We examine every word, every action,(or lack of action), every mood, as "Hmmm,,wonder what that's supposed to mean?" Maybe we put tooo much importance on the past instead of just living each day as it comes,,as a new day, without connecting it to the past. Easier said than done,,,I know But it does get better,,,,promise you!!

Zip, <P>I read and read and read, although I actually haven't read that one. I agree with what you've written though. I have read lots of books about surviving infidelity, putting the pieces back, etc. Most of what I've read says that the withdrawl lasts as long as the affair. My affair was three months, and lo and behold I felt like the withdrawl was over after three months or so. Then, because I had to still work with and see the OM every day, the feelings came creeping back - and I do mean creeping - it's disguisting. Nothing, NOTHING NOTHING has happened, nor will it. I just hate the feeling. I could kick myself. Plus, my H is really having a horrible time dealing with the whole thing, so every day is a new test for both of us. And yes, I could tell you stories about the OM, how he WON'T MARRY his SO, has lived with her for nine years. How she's ready to have a hysterectomy and he still looks at me with, blah, lust, and how he lives a double life, would like nothing better than house me in one place, come and screw me and go home to his woman who takes care of him daily. She doesn't even drive, for goodness sakes! He is controlling and manipulative.<P>Nerlycrzy,<P>Yes, you are right, as usual. I want a shortcut. I want away from here, from the OM. I want what I can't have: to go back and relive my life for the last year. <P>Thank you both for your replies...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

N-B,<BR>I kinda understand what your husban is feeling. Tonite I went to the hospital to have a quick supper with my w. <BR>When I got there I wondered if om was working too. He wasn't. But as we sat in the cafeteria, I kinda felt like everybody was staring at me. Where they laughing at me for being a fool or admiring me for being able to forgive my w. I don't know, they probably weren't even looking at me.<P>Next week were are to go to her dept's picnic. I'm getting apprehensive already. No the om won't be there as he's in another dept. but everybody in her dept and their spouse know about what she has done.<BR>HEr coworkers have all rallied around her since om left the picture but I question what they think of me. I don't feel they supported me while she was involved with om. Do they believe that I caused her to have an affair. Now do they think I'm weak or a fool for taking her back ?<P>I'm not sure if this means anything or not to me, and I know it shouldn't. I guess she is comfortable about going, so I should too. <BR>I guess maybe it that pride thing that could get in the way.

RWD,<P><BR>Geez... your post makes me feel (if it's possible) more terrible - no offense, not your fault or anything - it's just that I know how that feels, I understand about the questions you're asking. <P>My H came by with our son to the office the other day and I had to tell OM that he was coming so he'd stay away - mostly because I didn't want a scene in front of our son. I hate how it makes my H look. But I will tell you this: my co-workers are HAPPY that my H and I are working things out. They REALLY ARE... hopefully it's the same with your W's co-workers. If anything, they may seem to have rallied around her, but I doubt it. The betrayer always looks the worst, not the loving spouse who's finding love despite the pain they feel. I give you tons of credit, just like I do my H, for having the guts to visit.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hey Sheryl!<BR>I admire your strength to save your marriage even in the face(literally) of " adversity!" I too see my H's X(Mistress) almost everywhere. Although some places are unpredictable, the places that I know I'll see her in, I make an attempt to look good! Especially with my husband, I strive to show unity of the family. It's also good that you let the OM know that there is no room for him! Do you and your husband spend the minimum of 15 hrs a week of quality time like Dr H suggested? I agree that this really helps to rekindle the love that brought couples together to begin with! Keep up the fight for your marriage!

VR, <P>Thanks for your kind words.<P>Nope, can't spend the 15 hrs. because H is a workaholic who is gone all the day long (7 am until 11:30 pm). We're working on that though, and it's been a recurring theme throughout this whole thing.<P>Thanks again for replying...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl, my friend, have yo thought that maybe the best way to get it out of your head is deciding to do it and then not try at all? Let it happen? TO try, you will have to think about it, and there you go again <P>I think we already talked about this, but is there any chance you could find another job, away from the **@@#? I know you live in a small place, but you never know. Sometimes we can find things if we're looking for them. One of the things I suggested my H was to just look for other things, and send resumes if he wanted. No better time to send resumes to better jobs than when we don't really need them there are always answers. He didn't find a job in another company but ended up in a new position, with different hours than hers and in a different location. Maybe something like this can also happen to you? Maybe not having to work with him would help you to put everything back into perspective.<BR>I can see you making such a big effort, and your H too, but you guys still can't let go. And you have to. Nothing will work too well until you do.<BR>Or maybe it will happen like it happened with me: I was worrying and hanging on to it,when suddenly it hit me that it wasn't there anymore, at least not like before.<BR>A big hug<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Kat,<P>All I can say is thank you for being here, and for caring enough to continue posting to me throughout my insanity.<P>Big, big hugs back at ya!! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

N-B,<BR>I'm sorry !!! I didn't mean to make you feel worse. <P>You've been kind to me in answering my posts and helping me in understanding my w's frame of mind and I appreciate that.<P>I find your honesty refreshing and am wishing and hoping that my w will someday feel about me the way you feel about your husband.<P>I just seem to be in the seize of <BR>depression lately, and I am starting to think my w won't come back to me as I am now questioning whether or not she ever loved me.<P>I'm feeling better today, but I have nothing to focus on. Before I was able to focus on the impending divorce but now that has been sidelined(she fired her lawyer) I'm not sure how to focus myself. <P>I'm afraid to push to hard to win her back but I'm also afraid to lay back and let things takes its course. I feel I'm in a no man's land.<P>Didn't mean to bring you down as I know you have your own problems. Again I'm sorry !<P>

RWD,<P>No apology necessary... honest <P>I want us both to heal, well... ALL of us, you and your W, me and my H... it just feels so futile right now for me too...<P>We'll get through this one way or another!<P>Please, don't worry about what you said... it didn't hurt me, per se, just reminds me of the yuk times...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>