Okay guys and girls...I'm needing some advice or words of wisdom...not just for me but also for the guy that I've talked about here a little while ago.

Little recap....he's been divorced for year and has a 15 year old son. His ex met a man online and she moved out to be with him. She's kind of a "hard" woman. Bleach blonde hair, tons of make-up, tight clothes, mini skirts, big boobs, chunky and a deep voice. I always think of a "biker babe" when I think of her. She definately wore the pants in the family and still does in her new relationship. She loves a fight...verbal and physical. She knows how to push M's buttons. She did him a favor by leaving him. I knew them when they were still married as our boys were in little league baseball together and she was a b*tch then.

Anyways, M and I have a good friendship that's slowly growing. Our kids like each other and I could possibly see things moving along if it wasn't for one thing.......his Ex.

She recently told M that her boyfriend was moving out and that she wanted to come back "home". M said he laughed at her when she said it and it hasn't been discussed again. His Ex has a history of making excuses to come to his house or have him go to her house and when it happens she is dressed to the nines with full makeup and hair done.

He's been asking my advice when she says or does things like this. My advice to him so far is to draw the line and limit conversations to son's needs and nothing more or less. He agrees with me at the time I say it...but he still engages in the drama with her. I've jokingly/seriously said to him a few times that he must love it and that he will eventually get back together with her. He denies it....but not always vehemently.

Last night was a little bit of a wake up call to me and has me questioning if I want to stick around anymore. M called me and volunteered to come to my work and see if he could fix one of my car problems after he picked up his son from school. While they were there he asked what time I was getting out of work and if I wanted to stop up to his house after work which I did after picking up my daughter.

We got to his house and he unsuccessfully worked on my car. We were there MAYBE 30 minutes and were just starting to talk about getting dinner and SHE called his cell to tell him that she was on her way up to bring their son's school book. As soon as he hung up he told me that we should "get out of here unless we wanted to witness a fight" I said "what do you mean?" and he explained that he thought she would have a fit if we were there. So my daughter and I immediately left. Not only did I not want my daughter and I around that...I didn't want his son or him to have to deal with it.

On my way home I called him and told him that he should have stood up to her and simply told her he had company and that he would come and get the book when he had time. He said "why are you telling me that now...why didn't you tell me that before you left. I would have called her back and told her that." I told him that I didnt think it was my place to say it at the time...but the more I thought about it I decided I had nothing to lose but to say it.

Well.....Today was another day of him calling me frustrated and wanting my opinion on the issues with her and why she does what she does. I feel like a broken record telling him over and over again to limit contact and MEAN IT! I told him she loves the drama, she loves getting a reaction (good or bad) outta him and it's all a game to her. She is trying to "feel" him out in regards to getting back together.

Today he said he felt that if she would have seen a car in his driveway (not knowing if it was a male or female friend or lover) that she would go nuts! And if she would have seen me she would have asked him what I was doing in HER house.

I'm interested in seeing what you all have to say. This is a first for me having to deal with a wacked out ex-wife stalking the ex-husband.

Thanks!
Ronda

Hey AGE, My immediate reaction is to tell him you like him but can't handle the unfinished nature of the relationship between him and his ex wife. It's the truth and gives him something to act on should he choose to.

He needs to know where he stands with her, how he feels about her, and act accordingly. Maybe you want to walk him through that but it sounds like you don't want that much.

I'd be as open and honest as I could. Keep it simple.

Thanks Nams.

I have been brutally honest with him lately. Today I told him the history of me and my ex during our separation and divorce and how we did the absolutely NO CONTACT unless it had to do with our daughter. We have grown considerably and are now able to tolerate each other for the most part. We have our moments. But not nearly as often or as fearless as we did 3 years ago. I also told him today that I'm okay being alone if the alternative is being in a drama filled relationship. My goal at this moment in time is to raise my kids to adults and to try to show them what a good relationship looks like so they don't fall into the same pit I did. I also said that he needs to be thinking about his own son and what he is taking from seeing and hearing his parents acting like this. What kind of relationship is he going to think is "normal" in a few years when he's of age to make his own decisions. M got real quiet after that and said that I had him thinking.

I think it would be wise to keep this at a strictly friendship level. Too much drama, too much potential for drama and too much unfinished business on his part. She's obviously meeting some warped need (self-esteem?) of his that he continues to let her treat and control him this way. Time for him to grow a set w/ regards to her and enforce some serious boundaries. It's a bit of a turn off isn't it?

You gave him sound advice and I think it prudent to detach a bit. Just my .02!

yeah it's a turn off...I've laid it out there for him...he's not stupid...Time will certainly tell.

Good point about the self esteem...

Thanks DW

You need to step back from this right away.

I am assuming since he has a 15 year old son, he was married for quite a while. If so, 1 year isn't much healing time. I am a firm believer in 1 year of healing for every 5 years of marraige.

Also, he blamed you for not telling him what to do? C'mon!

Keep it at friendship and nothing more.

Keith

Somehow I knew that would be your advice Keith!! Thanks!!

Don't take the blame for not telling him ahead of time. He has a head on his shoulders, too.

Hmmm, I'll go beyond what the others have said - don't just back away from any "more than friends" ideas (as he obviously has way too much unfinished business), but back off on the friendship.

Think about it - how many other friends do you have that kick you and your daughter out of the house when someone else calls? Am I the only one to see something wrong with that picture? What does this teach your daughter? I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.

AGG

This situation reminds me of what my friend once said to me even before I found myself in this boat. Her SO's XW cheated on him after 25 years of marriage - shortly after they had another child (their other children were grown). So there were custody and visitation battles over the young son. He and my friend now have a son together as well - about 4 or 5 years younger than his other son. The 2 boys get along very well and they are quite a happy family, except for one thing - the X. What my friend said to me back then that I carry with me today is, it's not the other children that damage a relationship, but the other wife. Just because they are divorced does not mean they are out of each others lives. Getting involved with someone who is divorced also means getting involved with their family, broken though it may be.

In other words, no matter how nice this guy is and no matter how well suited you are to each other, any relationship with him is also going to involve a relationship with her. It doesn't sound like that one is going to be a friendly relationship. Be careful.

(I'm very lucky, my BF's EX knew me from before and actually likes me. I'm sure she's counting her lucky stars as well since she knows her DD isn't being exposed to some psycho tramp or anything)

I inserted the red flags for you - just in case you hadn't realized how many were in your post.


Let's all sing along with Nancy Sinatra. Keep Walking

sounds like the ex is keeping her options open

RE: fallback plan

Thanks everyone!! I knew your advice before I even asked for it. I guess I just needed to actually see it. I loved the visuals of the red flags too. I knew there were a bunch in there...just didn't count them

Ronda

I knew that you would see the picture if you got visuals.

Oooooo I seen the picture...just a little clearer with your visuals

M called me today on my cell while I was at work. I could tell he was a little tipsy. He works 4 days and then has 4 days off and usually his first day off he drinks and only that day. I've asked him why he does that and he can never really give me an answer other than he never did it when he was married. Screams depression to me.

We didn't stay on the phone long as I was at work. He is the type of man that when I was younger I would try to rescue or think I could change. I'm too old and much wiser for that crap now!!

Remember these words!!!!

LOL I'll never go back to the woman I was 10-20 years ago!!!!! NEVER!!!!!

Remember what Nancy said!!! It's often good advice!

ronda dyed her hair again