Hi everyone! I'm new here. On 8/20, I found out that my H of almost 3 years was having a 3-month EA/PA with someone that lives out of state. They met in Vegas when he was there for a bachelor party and they "hit it off" and stayed in phone and text contact until I found out last month. To make matters worse, he started this affair only 5 days after we found out we are expecting our 2nd baby (our 1st is 2.) Now I'm 6 months pregnant.

My H is saying and doing all the right things to reconcile. He has NC with the OW, we are both in IC and MC, he has made an effort to provide more of my emotional needs (I have been doing the same as well) and he has agreed to change his life style (i.e. his need to go out and drink and party with his single, womanizing friends.

The problem is that I still don't trust him. I installed a keylogger on his computer, I check his phone daily, I check his phone records online and I even put a tape recorder in his car. While I have not discovered that he has contacted the OW, I have found some of his conversations with his friends regarding our current marital status quite disturbing. He says things like "I have to hear all of these questions", "I'm tired of the up and downs", "I don't know if this is really worth it", "maybe I should just cut my losses", "child support for 2 kids would just be too much". He even laughs and jokes about how stupid he was to get caught...but NOT how it was a mistake, how he hurt me and our family.

Now I don't know if he is saying and doing all of these things just to get things back to normal and he has not real intentions on changing and if he is "choosing" me and our family for the right reasons. Does anyone have advice? I'm so confused.

H could still be in contact and using a calling card or work phone/email to contact her. Even his loser friends could be helping him keep contact since he knows he has to watch his step and they seem to think this is all fun and games. Have you exposed his A yet? If not, expose to family ASAP. Perhaps he'll get that smart [censored] smirk knocked off his face. He'll be mad but you need to expose. I'm very sorry you had to be hurt by the rotten things your H said and did.

(((((BHCE))))))

Welcome to MB. We are always so sorry when a new poster needs to come here but I am confident that you are in a good place where you will receive advice and support.

You are not even a month past D-day. All of your feelings are normal and I am glad that you are checking up on your WH. Some are way to quick to trust and forgive. Your WH obviously has no boundaries of his own so it is up to you to be sure he knows what yours are. I believe that it is not only inappropriate to discuss M problems with OW but also with same sex friends. He is talking to them about things that he should be talking to you about, very inappropriate! It shows immaturaty IMHO.

How did you find out? Did you give him any conditions to even begin R?

Chin up. Most of us have been through this and you will find tremendous help.

God's Blessings,

Say

thanks so much for the replies. he is in sales so he travels in his car with his cellphone most of the day. that is why the recorder is so revealing. i have checked his car for a pay as you go phone and his wallet for phone cards and found nothing.

i do think he is a bit lazy to go to great lengths to contact the OW. but it is true that his enabling, loser friends could help him. i have had thoughts that maybe one of his friends could patch her in on 3-way or something like that. i guess time will tell.

more details on my story:
after being in contact with the OW for 1.5 months, he invited her to join him on a work trip. i found pictures she had sent to him on his email account. i have always had his account info but i never thought i had a reason to check. big mistake.

after i found the pictures, i called him and told him we needed to meet ASAP. i printed out a few and showed them to him and told him i know what he is up to so tell me the truth. he lied to me at first. he said he met her at a bar while he was on his business trip and only kissed her. after i pressed him about the pictures that were obviously taken on different days due to different outfits, he admitted that "they hit it off" so they spent the weekend together but nothing else happened. i had to press more to get him to admit PA.

i left it at that but continued to do more digging into back accounts, credit card records and cell phone records. i found the same number with long talk times dating back to may after he came back from vegas. then i put it together. i confronted him again and he admitted more. he basically hung out with the OW in Vegas for 2-3 days. she was supposed to leave to go back home (her friends did leave) and he asked her to stay for another night.

i am just so hurt by him and i am saddened that he is not the person i thought he was. i am trying to rebuild for the sake of our children. in my mind, i will try for one year. if i don't see real change, i will walk away and never look back.

oh, to add. i have not exposed to his family or my family. the only people i have told are 2 good friends and my brother. i just need support.

do you think exposure could help him realize his mistake? i'm afraid to tell my family because i don't want them to hate him for the rest of our lives if it works out with us.

Exposure is to end the affair. I exposed for many reasons but mostly to bring an end to the affair. I'm very close to my family and my in-laws. I wasn't going to put on an act with them that everything was fine. If my H and I divorced I didn't want OW in his life at all because there was no way I was going to tolerate her around my children. All family was on board with that as well. My family doesn't hate my H but they are very disappointed, angry and hurt. For me, it's a relief that family knows. Putting up a front and adding more lies to this nightmare was more than I could take. If I have to live with the consequences of my H's affair, so can he. If H is sincere in his remorse, he'll just have to deal with it. He created the problem, not me.

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We do have a great MC that is pro-marriage. I just wish she was a bit harder on him. I think he has charmed her as well. I really might think about finding another one.

I have mentioned the subject of his friends in ICing and she said I can't tell him who he can be friends with and "control everything." The #1 friend offender was also present in Vegas, has also befriended the OW and also messed around with the OW's friend. According to his cell records, this bad friend has been talking to my H about this all along. My H said he was not for or against the cheating but just listened when he needed to talk.


I have also been burdened by keeping this secret from my family. I was so tempted to tell my mom today. We talk about everything and I know she would be there for me. I'm just afraid. I do wish my H would fess up to his parents and sister. The act is getting old!

My H is 28 and I am 27. We have been together for over 8 years and married for 3.

Really you need to expose the affair. Let your mom and family know and his too. And yes, he will be furious. But that is the best way to be sure that the affair is done and another won't start up.

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