Pariah and Medc

Sometimes I feel bad thinking my love life is so bad, especially when I read stories of what some guys go through, especially you two. Mainly because you BOTH came out swinging.....and HAPPY to start over. I just don't think I'm that much of a man any longer.
I've attempted to change so much of myself, I've lost the guy I used to be......but, apparently that guy wasn't much of a person....I just don't remember honestly....


Soolee

Passive aggressive.................honestly? Maybe. I really don't know, I jump from feeling to feeling every single hour. Mad, happy, sad, mad, happy sad........you know. I am so confused right now. If you can understand, SOMETIMES, I wish I WOULD find evidence of an affair, that way I would at least LOSE some of the guilt I feel and go on the offensive, like those guys above. Thats sick, ain't it? To wish your wife is having an affair? I feel bad because I know how many guys WISH the opposite. But, guilt is a horrible thing to own.

But passive aggressive..........yeah, I see it as possible. I mean, money has been such a BIG BIG thorn in my side for so damn long. Its like....HERE! Its all yours. I hope your happy. I know money is NOT everything about us (and me) that bugged her, but, for me, my attempts at providing enough, my failures, and her growing disgust all combined to cause me great insecurity and with that insecurity all the ugly behaviors associated with it. But I NEVER lost confidence that I could make it happen one day, but she did. ANd as soon as I REALIZED she did, it began to flow away from me too.

Now the person she describes as me being, I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE most of the time. I don't even remember a lot of what she says I used to do.

But, really, since your post, I see her EXACTLY as an addict. Foggy thinking, doing ANYTHING to keep what she is addicted to, killing her family around her, totally changing the nice person she used to be (but, even worse, I see her behaving the OLD way to other people, the way she used to towards me, and I witness what I am missing, every single day).

If this leaving thing IS NOT JUST A PHASE, I will have to go far away. I've told her that, she accused me of being dramatic (like all italians) but, sorry its no drama. When I'm gone, I'm gone. The very THOUGHT of EVER seeing her with another man would kill me. (remember, whatever SOCIETY says, I will ALWAYS be married to her)

I live in the NE, in a neighborhood, working every day in order to have A FAMILY. If that family is gone, so am I. ANd people tell me, well, what about the kids.....well, if the only thing I wanted was KIDS, well I wouldn't have gotten married. I want what I had. If I can't have it, well then, time to start a new life, a life out of the ordinary. SHoot, I could sell and open a bar on stilts in the middle of the tropics somewhere.......move up to Canada, ANYWHERE, why just move down the road? Theres a whole lot of world out there that I would be free to get to know. My kids could come live with me, I don't care, the door is ALWAYS open. But my life HERE, my identity as a person associated with my wife, her family, her freinds, that would be dead to me. OVer. No more. That would mean no weddings (including my kids) no get togethers, no funerals, NOTHING. I am NOT gonna put myself through HELLL just so I can be PRESENT when OTHER PEOPLE think I should, and then after its over....."well, you can go now"......NO FRIGGEN WAY. And my kids agree.

I want to stay. I want to be married. I want to be loved and responsible. BUt, if I CAN'T have ALL of it....well, she can't have just A CONVENIENT part of me...

GG,
Just because your wife does not see you the way you want does not mean that you are not a worthy person.

Dude...she's fed you a load of crap and your taking it. Stand tall, rethink your self-loathing thoughts and look straight into the mirror and SEE yourself for the first time in many years. You are a kind loving soul who is simply lost under many years of bull-sh(*

GG - What, exactly, has she done in the past year to retain your respect of her? To maintain her position for you, high on her pedestal, so much so that in your head, what she says is the gospel?

Do you honestly believe that she deserves the kind of credence you're allowing her? Her reality is her reality. It is not the reality with which society views you, trust me, nor the reality which you should view yourself. It's hers to own, not yours to digest as God's own truth. You're a smart guy, GG. My heavens - you've come so far with your business and all. When are you going to cut yourself a break already?

You are not broken. You don't need to be fixed! You're whole and wonderful and precious to God and to your kids and your mother. And...I'm fairly positive that you have the respect and admiration of your employees and business associates? Yes, of course you do. They can't all be wrong, now, can they GG? Come on!

Separate if you think it's best, but don't hand her everything on a silver platter. See a lawyer and ask what he or she thinks would be fair under the circumstances. You've been denied the ability to give more - well...a more equitable settlement could facilitate that wish for you. There are a lot of possibilities, a lot of good causes out there. Get your kids' educations settled, and then enjoy it. jmo.

If you really want to pi$$ her off, you could donate your share to a homeless shelter for women (and children) in Italy in her name. Okay - j/k.

I think the passive aggressive thing is a natural way to feel, but it's the sort of thing you might want to think over carefully.

I would think an equitable agreement would allow her to retain her pride. Later, if you decide to help more with her and the kids in some way, that's up to you but an option rather than an obligation.

The guilt, I think, is you still keeping her on a pedestal. You need to bring her back down to normal human level and try to place yourself outside the box looking in for a little while. I think your perception is that because she is so book smart, she must be right. That's not the case, GG. A person can be very smart in terms of finances, or logic, or politics and sorely lacking in other areas, such as decency, morality, empathy, fairness, etc. Just some food for thought.

I think that over the years your complete trust and confidence in her has gone to her head and cost you some very important self confidence. This is OT, but I had the same issues when I was a new mother. I depended on one of my sisters to guide me through those first scary months, always calling her with questions, etc. It built her ego beautifully but after about 6 months I realized how it had some how gone to her head. Not sure how I knew - a comment or something, and after that, I cut the cord. I realized I'd never get confident in my own right if I allowed her to keep holding my hand. Does any of that make sense?

Your wife also needs to take some responsiblity for allowing her resentment to rise to the level it has without addressing it before it consumed her. For such a smart woman, she hadn't the foresight to tell you "Look, we're in trouble here" ?? This isn't all on you. I always shake my head at women, especially, who get all upset because their husbands couldn't read their minds. "Well if you don't know already, I'm not telling you." Give me a break, you know what I mean? The general population is not psychic.

There is one last thing I'd like to just mention, GG. Steve Stosney is supposed to be very, very good. He has a website,and I'll post it here. There is a "Walking on Egg Shells" quiz that you can take, and an introduction to a book that may or may not be helpful to you. Maybe you should read the book before you make a firm decision about what to do. Steve Stosney's website...

GG, of all people I was exactly where you are and I swear if you don't come out swinging, you will feel unreprably worse.

If you give in, she absolutely will become a monster that you have yet to witness, cruel and vile and unrelenting. At this poing it would threill her if you were to suck start a 12 guage.

I know her kind, and she ain't gonna change, short of God himself smacking some sense into her, and that ain't gonna happen and she has found her god, it's green and made of paper.

She won't stop with the cruelty until you are either a broken wimpering shell or you take your own life to which she will only garner sympathy from her toxic enablers.

You better man up and get mean.

Cold, calculated and totally disconnected from her.

Your life depends on it at this point.

I made through and so can you.

You fail to heed my warnings, I have been right there where you are now and felt the SAME WAY about my blood sucking selfish harpy of a wife, from here on out, my posts are going to be painfully blunt warnings then they will turn to go ahead and self destruct.

Italian ham,
Does your wife know that you come here to MB and are desperate to make positive changes in your marriage?

....yes. It would be a good life.

...NO...too freaking cold too darn many months of the year.

Absence makes the heart the grow fonder....

Perhaps...you could just sort of "Leave"..stage a midlife crisis...*shock* her into SOMETHING?

Become 'unpredictable'..

Hi, everyone. A few new occurances.

One, the feeling that I have to leave is growing stronger. Even thought this feeling is strong and getting stronger, I am also aware that IT IS AGAINST EVERYTHING MY CATHOLIC TEACHING stand for. There is no two ways about it. No clever answers or stratagy that gets around it. I will have to deal with it. But I love her, kinda like myself and more than anything else, I want to do what a loving spouse SHOULD do.

Two, and its a doosy, my son called from college. I was still at work when he called and talked to my wife. He got snagged smoking weed in his dorm room. Punishment: He has to live a week off campus. After the shock, a few thoughts ran through my head.

1. Man, have times changed. He gets busted smoking a blunt and his punsihment is a ONE WEEK BANISHMENT??!!!?! What the helll kind of punishment is that? He should have been booted out of school ENTIRELY!!

2. I feel sorry for my wife, because I know this hurts her and makes her worry MORE about him.

3. WHile I am pissed at my kid, all this stupid stuff he does is because he hates himself so much. I am CERTAIN about this and this makes me feel real bad for him. But I still want to kick his [censored].

My wife told me and asked me when we should go up to get him to a hotel. I didn't say this, but I'm thinking that at THIS point, we are simply delaying the inevitable. He is gonna get booted out eventually. ANd I am NOT the LEAST bit interested in PUNISHING him..... I WANT TO GET HIM ON THE RIGHT PATH TO HAVING A BETTER SENSE OF SELF WORTH. I am simply at a loss on how to do this.

My wife emphatically stated that since we have to move him to a college run motel, AND PAY EXTRA for the room. (on top of tuition and the extra cost of a single dorm room) he is going to have to pay us back. Sheesh. I agreed, but inside, that is just so stupid. Fine. Pay us back. Money. Money. Money. Whatever. I know it won't hurt, but why is that thought EVEN CROSSING HER MIND AT THIS TIME??

We talked a bit, like the [censored] I am, I started crying talking about my son and his shaky beginning of adulthood. He is so annoying, frustrating, and burdensome. But he's mine. I KNOW our marital problems are ONE reason for this crap. I see it, but my wife SIMPLY REFUSES TO SEE how we are contributing to his problems. Fine. I don't push it. But now, even crying, makes me feel like I am being judged. I remember that when I was growing up, I would NEVER listen to music in front of my dad because I always had this feeling he hated it when I listened to music because that meant that I wasn't thinking about my studies.
I just realized that I feel real uncomfortable listening to music in front of my wife. I go from trying to please my dad to trying to please my wife. 48 years old and I am STILL uncomfortable doing what I please.

My son is contrite at this point. He knows hes on thin ice. But, believe me, he is a few days from puffing out his sorry excuse of a chest and trying to "tough guy" his way out of it. I'd break him in half with one hand. And maybe I should. God, 10 years ago, I would have had NO moral dilemna with it too. I've changed so much. I thought for the good, I'm not so sure any more. My wife used to get so ticked off when I used to settle stuff with my fists. Now, she screams that I am a pushover and a softie. I just can't win.

I've got a son whos been right on the EDGE of self destruction for some time now. This crap going on with my wife and I is pushing him over that edge. I need to solve this dilemna on TWO fronts. ANd I am failing miserably on both sides.

Have a good night all.

GG -
Throughout your situation, the poor communication between you and your wife always rises to the top for me. It seems like if there was just some way for her to see beyond her own viewpoint and make it safe for you to speak your mind freely, it would be so much better.

I wonder if this is something you could speak to the MC about, in an environment where there is a third person in the room.

As far as separating. I cannot advise you without worrying that I'd be telling you the wrong thing to do. This is a very personal decision, and all I can say is that you need to really think about all the possible scenarios and complications before you make a firm decision. I'm one of those people who tries to think of 'worst-case' scenarios before doing something big, and I think a separation would qualify as something big.

Your wife may jump right to divorce, for one thing, and there could be quite a financial quagmire to wade through, considering your assets. I know what you've said about that, and I respect that, but while giving her everything might assuage your guilt, it may do more damage to your self respect. Besides, doing that might embarrass her, and while I'm sure at times that seems like it would be a very tempting to do, in the long run, the satisfaction might be very short lived.

Your older son needs both of you to pull together now and stop thinking of yourselves to get him straightened out. Are you two capable of putting your issues aside for a while longer and working together to help him? Can you get him into individual counseling and also family counseling?

Your younger child may have separation anxiety and feel like he's lost in the dust. You're going to need to educate yourself on how to best handle the news and subsequent changes that a separation would inflict.

At times of marital discord or neglect, kids can often feel the instability and start to look for a 'family' of their own outside the home. This can lead to teenage pregnancy, drugs, molestation, etc.

It's not pleasant, but there it is.

From the outside looking into your situation, I have to wonder if your older son got into pot when he went to boarding school. Seems like once you're away from the parents, and you don't have to worry about them watching your every move, it would be a good time to get caught up in something like that. I'd want to get to the bottom of that, find out when it started and why he felt the need.

I also think that despite her good intentions to teach your son to be a good person, a child (regardless of the age) wants their parents to think the world of them. If your wife hasn't been a motherly person, affectionate, encouraging, expressing her pride, even in the little things, etc. and if you haven't been present enough in his life - well, I'm not making excuses for him, nor blaming you and your wife, but these things might be part of the problem. It's hard to tell.

I get the feeling that you two are so caught up in your situation that your kids are kind of left on the outside - like 4 people living in the same home but not really a family. Like you two have withdrawn from the kids. I hope that I'm wrong, and I don't mean to upset you by saying that, but I wonder. Gotta admit.

It's like the entire family is separated from each other, and the kids are just too young for such a grown up thing like that. Where do the kids fit into all of this, into your lives? Are they Liabilities? Dependents? You two made these children together, supposedly when you two loved each other. You have to pull together to do what's right for them.

In the end, that might mean separation, but for the time being, I think you two are going to have to drop the walls and deal with how all of this has affected your children already, before any sh** hits the fan.

How you get your wife on board with that is a mystery, but I think you two are going to have to sit down and stress that this isn't about you and her or how you've communicated in the past. This is about your dear children and raising them to be confident, stable, productive young men.

I wish I had the answers for you. Family counseling, maybe. You two need to hear in a safe environment what your children are thinking.

"I know it won't hurt, but why is that thought EVEN CROSSING HER MIND AT THIS TIME??"

I think because money is a hot issue with you, it's going to be easy to take this out of context and think the money is what this is about. Might not be. Maybe she wants him to have some repercussions for screwing up.

And, frankly, if your son has always had things handed to him on a silver platter with no concerns about who is paying for it, it might be the right thing to do. You busted your butt earning the money to put him through college...why should he be allowed to spend it on pot?

A mistake is a mistake is a mistake, GG...but if we don't learn from the mistake by processing the repercussions - we're going to make the same mistake again, and the nasty thing about fooling around with marijuana is that it can lead to far worse drugs that can cause more serious problems down the road.

There's also the option of taking him out of college and telling him he has to find a job or he can't live with you two. Tell him he's 18, and he needs to start paying rent if he isn't going to buckle down and apply himself properly in school.

These were the rules in my house growing up, and I was never into drugs or anything that would cause my parents stress. It was something I knew growing up because I had older siblings who had to do the same thing. We knew our parents were firm on this and refused to let us bum around and not be productive people. I had to pay my parents $100 a month and bought all my own clothes, toiletries, and paid my mother $5.00 a week for doing my laundry. Any money she found in my clothes, she got to keep because it showed I was disrespecting what I earned. We laughed about it a lot. I kept my end of the bargain up to some extent and tried to be very careful about my cash, but when I left home, my dad cleaned the dryer vent out and pulled out something like $33.00 in bills. I'm 45, and we still laugh about that. I remember they asked if I wanted the money and I said 'No - we had a bargain.'

I digress - Just formulate a plan, GG. You and your wife are going to have to put yourselves on a side burner for a bit and get this figured out. You might start with the guidance person at the college. I imagine they've run into situations like this before.

Counseling - for your children - for you - for your marriage. I forget how much of that you've done.

Looks like you need an accountability contract with your son. Stay clean or become self-funding.

What's your *breaking point* look like to you gabagool?

She appears to get quite a bit of pleasure grinding you down under her shoe. Where is the love in that?

What does Love look like to you? Feel like?

Your wife lacks a great deal in the department of Appreciation.

Take two weeks...go to The Sanctuary in Koh Phangan. Think.
Write a list. Stay/ GO.

In the mean time...Your son is paying the price...

...you can't make her Love you....but you'll know if she Misses you...*shrugs*

and who knows...even if She DOES....you may come to a different conclusion...or not.

Life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't respect you.
It's really that simple at the end of the day.

GG - Just so you know, I agree with what you said on that other thread. I know what you meant, and it makes sense to me.

It's not a very friendly thread, and I think I may have set the wrong tone there. I'm sorry if that was the case.

I am sorry I haven't been able to answer these last few days. My feelings are getting all jumbled up again. And there is SO MUCH GOING ON, personally and biz wise, that sometimes, its overwhelming.

Fiori
I think my wife knows that I am on SOME TYPE of marriage forum. I doubt she knows which one. I make sure I close the computer site and wipe out the History. She absolutely DESPISES the fact that I find it easy to talk about my feelings. She ONLY confides in her TOXIC friend. She NEVER says ANYTHING about our marriage to ANYONE,including her parents. I think it partially because she will not say anything to anyone that would call her on it. Her friend will ALWAYS side with her, so its easy to talk to her. Me, I find it easier to talk to others BESIDES my family, because MY family will ALWAYS side with ME, and that does me NO GOOD. I want help in improving my marriage.

When I first got HERE, I never thought about filling her EN's. I mean I thought I was, but, in hindsight, I wasn't. I believed in unconditional love, now, I understand that it is VERY VERY VERY RARE. People LIKE to say they have it, but it usually is not the case.

Also, I don't know if I've made it clear. My wife is the MOST CAPABLE, LEVEL HEADED, RESPONSIBLE person I know, BAR NONE. She NEVER NEEDED me in the least. So when she CRITISIZES me, it is in my best interest to take it seriously. Because she is NOT a person to make emotional responses. If she thinks something is screwed up, she USUALLY is right. If she thinks IM screwed up......you know, she probably is right again. Now, I am fully aware that she despises me and that will TAINT her judgement of me, so I am NOT blind, but she is a person who's input EVERYONE holds in high regard. I cant deny this simple fact. If she was prone to going overboard or being opinionated and NOT level headed, well then, I wouldn't be so concerned about what she thought of me. Again, I know she's not digging me right now, so I know she really can't be totally honest in her opinions of me. But, still, when you respect someone, their opinions matter.

Soolee

Its NOT what shes done this past year that I hold her in such high esteem, its what shes done for the past 27 years. Before this year, while we argued a lot, she was devoted, patient, gentle and loving. Now, I see that there were HINTS of her pulling away, I just wouldn't allow myself to imagine it. SHe's been a superb wife and mom. IF she has a flaw, its that she CANNOT OR WILLNOT understand that there can be two ways of looking at stuff. She can be steadfast in HER opinion of something, and I can be steadfast in MINE, and its NOT important that ONE of us is wrong. To her, this is impossible.

I know I've said it before, but grass cutting always comes to mind. She wants it cut, every 7 days to the day. Now, I admit, NOW I feel the same way, but for a long time, if I got to it, I would do it. But it INFURIATED her that I only cut it becasue SHE wanted me to. She could not sit back and let me be comfortable with the fact that I just didn't care that much for the lawcutting. I HAD TO CUT IT, and I had to WANT to cut it.

I think I also told of the time that we went to a finincial planner and we had to tell him what we would do if our spouse passed away. She went first and told what she would do if I died. I was quiet. When it was MY turn, I couldn't get a word out without her INTERRUPTING me commenting that "how can I say thats what I would do" and "You wouldn't do that, how could you..."
The planner finally told her to shut up and let me talk. She was furious. I admit I laughed under my breath. But thats the way she is. But her good points TOTALLY outweigh her bad point.

Hey, I got the better end of this deal, I realize that. God gives you ONE big break in life, mine was HIM sending her into my life.
But now, I will probably loose her, basically blowing my one big break.

Yeah, I still am leaning on leaving. She doesn't love me, she doesn't want me, she doesn't need me. If I leave, beleive me, I am doing it because I feel so guilty about her being with someone she doesn't want to be with. I've ruined her life till now, I don't want it to go on any longer.

And yeah, i know she could have done a lot worse for a husband that me, and yeah, I think its a real fair point to say that she doesn't even KNOW what having a scumbag husband is. But, I haven
t been as good a husband as I thought I was. I'm just asking for a CHANCE to change that. I want to be the BEST HUSBAND in the world. But, I don't think that chance will ever happen.

Thanks for the website, I gonna go take that test now.

Soolee

Yeah, youre right. We have to put ourselves on the back burner. Or more like it, I will put MYSELF on the back burner. I can't speak for her. As it is now, she ABSOLUTELY REFUSES to see our relationship (or actually HER actions)having ANYTHING to do with our sons behavior. I think she refuses to think it because then she would HAVE to change how she is treating me because a good MOM always puts her kids welfare ahead of herself. And she would have to ADMIT that she is more concerned with HER happiness at this point than how it is effecting the kids (Which is exactly what is happening. For the first time in her life, she is putting herself FIRST, and nothing, noone is going to stop her.)

My son can be an idiot. He's been this way since 6th grade. I know all you guys tell me to make him sink or swim. And I also think that you guys figure that if I give him that ulitmatum, it will be 50/50 on what he chooses. But, as his dad, I KNOW, KNOW that he will sink. Period. No doubt in my mind. For him to PICK HIMSELF up, he will have to hit rock bottom. And I don't want that to happen. I just don't. I would rather support him the rest of his life than to EVER put him in harms way. But I also realize that THAT thinking can be dangerous as well. What if I die, how will me taking care of him the rest of his life PREPARE him for life, for marriage. How is THAT teaching him the coping skills he needs to go forward AS A MAN in todays society? I understand all that.

Soul

Thank you for the heads up on the SANCTUARY. I googled it and I am presently reading about it as we speak. Wow! Were you there?

You know, pretty soon I could go there if I choose....I haven't even given ANY thought on what I WANT to do when I sell off a restaurant. I would love to go. I would LOVE to go with my wife.....but, thats not happening.

But, again. Thank you for taking the time to inform me.


Life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't respect you.

I guess I never EARNED her respect. But, she has mine.

You need a hug sooooo badly. Sorry all I have to offer is a cyber hug. Be well.

Soolee

Thanks. I really feel that way about mothers. Thats why I think its so important for Moms to stay home and NOT work if at all possible. I never expected to be called an idiot, though. I mean, its only my OPINION. I never said it was a cold hard fact. But if YOU agree with the general premise, I MIGHT be onto something, I guess. But, I would get caught up in a pissing contest. I got one going on in my real life, I don't need another one.

My wife stayed home until the kids were almost in high school. No matter HOW tight money got, she would not work. And I agree with that. It just put SO MUCH PRESSURE on me to earn and provide. And I never HELPED matters in that I WAS not a saver or bargain hunter.
My wife HATES that about me. But, in all honesty, all this time she was home and NOT earning a paycheck, she ALWAYS bummed out about my earnings, and NEVER, EVER, EVER once came up to me and said "look, I know things are tight, but you are working 100 hours a week and I know youre trying, thats all I can ask". Never. I can't tell you how much I would have appreciated it and how much pressure would have been off of me. But instead, she NEVER SAID IT, and like the sorry excuse of a man I WAS, I made sure that I brought up how long and hard I worked. That turned her off, and I don't blame her. I put myself in this situation. I'm angry with her, but really, how can I blame her?

Oh, on the biz end. We are expanding ONE of my restaurants to another locations, and I am selling my OTHER concern with the stipulation that a group of investors will take in throughout New England with me at the helm, using NONE of my money.

I'm not counting my chickens, but it seems, that after 30 long years of work, FINALLY, finally, something may be going my way. And she stuck with me through all those crappy times. I wish she was with me now, to enjoy any good that may come our way. But, I must admit, IF things work out, I WILL feel a bit vindicated, is that bad??

Soolee

Wow, what a great website! Thanks. I took the "eggshell" test adn the resentment test.

On the resentment test, I scored kinda in the middle. I wasn't a resentful SOB, but I was starting to get in the danger zone. And thats how I feel. Honestly.

Now, the eggshell test: I got a 0. Thats right. NADA.

In fact:

Below 90: In your efforts to tiptoe around someone else’s moods, in the hope of avoiding blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, disgusted looks, sighs of disapproval, or cold shoulders, you unconsciously edit what you say. To some extent, you second-guess your judgment, ideas, and preferences about how to live. You might even begin to question what you think is right and wrong. You probably have a vague feeling, at least now and then, that you are losing yourself. Your perceptions of reality and your sense of self are changing for the worse. You may experience physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle aches, or stomach aches.


Yep, thats me.

My H says that to me.... I barely get a thought out most times...funny that. I can barely ever talk to him about my feelings. So...I post here and learn from others.
Add physical abuse to that equation....and I LEFT. I Lost Myself completely..

Went to the Sanctuary a couple months later. It was PEACEFUL. I so needed that. Rented a bungalow hidden away in the trees ...no power after 1900. Only candles....the wind in the trees and the music of the sea... It is a wonderful place. My H has not been there with me...yet. He prefers the 5 star resorts...and I like to go 'bumming it'...lol

Wrote a LIST. Pro's/ Con's.

Con's was about 4 pages...and two points on Pro's.
You have handsomely provided for you family your entire marriage.
THAT ALONE DESERVES RESPECT!

...^^^ that believe it or not...was also one thing I always respected about my H. His children from his first marriage he ALWAYS took/ takes care of. He and his ex wife are great friends. his ex is a wonderful lady.


I went separate....and HE came back...somewhere along the line he "got it" and so did I. I never wanted anyone else...just HIM my H, ...but I couldn't live with the Crap...so I had to go.

I didn't want to....it hurt, yet staying with him...was hurting me far worse.

I guess...in hindsight...it was finally realizing, that I too DESERVED Respect. For being a faithful wife, hard working and doing the best I knew. If that wasn't good enough....well...do better else where if I am SOO TERRIBLE.

You are NOT terrible, and neither was I. We can always DO better by our spouses...but if they don't want to acknowledge that or the efforts....then you are caught in a trap.

Your wife treats strangers better than she treats You, and my H treated the DOGS better than he was treating me....and you can only kick a dog so many times...before he stops coming back.

Difference being....the dogs are smarter, they figured it out faster than I did.

The TIME away,...gives you a BREAK to think CLEARLY...without the world of Hurt intruding on your senses in every nook and cranny of your life. Nothing to trigger memories...but to have NEW experiences. Reevaluate and go forward. Either way...you go forward...

Diamonds in the Rough...

Yanno the situation was different...but the emotions...*agh*...your posts bring up a lot of stuff.

My parents were a *mess* at your sons age in my life...and a couple years prior. It was BAD. With my folks, it was simple. If I screwed up, got into drugs or got preggers...I was OUT. Finished. End of Story. Disowned. So...I got busy with Uni and school...and working...and so it goes.

My sister on the other hand...had it ALL handed to her. She still lives at home. Is mentally ill and holds two degrees. She can never live on her own. They cleaned up All her messes in life...she is fundamentally handicapped.

I went to boarding school as well. Drugs are everywhere there. More money flowing around= More drugs. Been there. But I wasn't doing drugs. I observed the idiocy. Sex? Not a thought. Guys were GROSS...LOL. Yeah....and still are unless you are my H.
you don't blame...you OWN it...so what? You did the best you could. You did great in fact. If she cannot or refuses to SEE that...her loss. Don't be knocking your head against a concrete wall..pointless.

She has become so accustomed to being the center of your attention...redirect it. Your SON. He needs you. To heck with her and her petty stun butt games. There are bigger things in life sometimes...like kids.

SO: Where am I going with this? Not easy to write, Your situation with your wife makes me SAD. She doesn't appreciate how hard you have worked for your family. She has NO CLUE. Working is FOR THE FAMILY. $$$$ for the FAMILY. She is part of that...and disrespects that....*strange*

So...*shock therapy*

Just leave...quietly...no fanfare...just a *ME* BREAK ...tell her YOU are reevaluating whether or not YOU ARE HAPPY. Life is not about being crapped on and having past errors rubbed in your face.

You are worth that to YOURSELF...and YOU are paying for it. YOUR MONEY. ..LOL...what can she say? Nada.

She makes you feel unwelcome...so GO.

'I GIVE UP...YOU 'WIN''....enjoy the 'victory.'