Ok,

I've been lurking since finding this site on Monday. I apologize if my lingo is a little off, trying to get a hold of acronyms on top of this mess that has unfolded. Here goes... Been with my WH for about 6 years, married 3. We have a his, mine and ours deal and the kids currently in the house are D15,D13 and D3 (the ours)Since the birth of ours, marriage became a little strained but WH ALWAYS professed he was not the cheating type (His 1st wife had an A on him and he up and left) Anyways, back in March things were getting really hard, talked about a D and on 3/7 agreed we'd talk about 'us' after work. Instead, he calls to say he's going out for a few beers with the guys. Needless to say he gets home around midnight. Got into a HUGE fight asking him if that was worth losing 'us' to go out all night.. then cames the weeks of silence, felt the pure hatred towards me pour out of him. Finally, in April, the credit card bill came in and showed that very night a hotel charge... my world as I knew it came to an end, so I thought, after wishing him to leave, yada yada yada, he stated the ol' nothing happened, it was a random girl he met at the bar, blah, blah, blah...

He then called crying in apologizing, feeling foolish, the whole enchilada.. agreed to get back together and work it out (wish I found this site back then) ... Things had been going pretty well, couple bumps in the round but a great summer, etc.

Fast Forward to 9/12/08.. I'm leaving to goto work and noticed his cell phones (work, personal) being charged.. the work he always turned off, the personal he usually kept on and next to his bed in case of family emergencies.. This phone was not in the kitchen and off (he had just gotten this replacement a few weeks back) So, curious me, turns it on..... and WHAT !)(*@$((
Pictures of a woman, text messages g'nite??!?@

I immediately go in to address him on it... got the standard, its a friend, wouldn't tell more, took the phone from me. I told him I had her number.. his response, don't harass her... my protecting her... why not me, the wife, mother of your child?

So I kept asking for the phone, he then breaks it in half.. and throws it at me.. I pick up the pieces of the phone, and wish him a good day..

Adrenaline flowing, I get into work and I'm able to put the phone back together.. I find more pictures, that she sent to him and he sent to her. I call her number. Hi, I ask who's this...
She responded with her name... BINGO! got the name. How do you know my husband? she hangs up...

call back, keep getting the VM; Call my WH office number, ask for T$*#@! and was told she was not in yet .... BINGO! Know how he met her...

She finally answers... now I don't know she's married, she tells me that my WH told her we were getting divorced.. I shocked, advised that was not the case, that we were in MC. She apologized and said she would not talk to him again...

WH is now calling my phone... I don't answer, leaves a sobbing I'm truly sorry message... yeah, whatever... Ask for her last name, (he's gotten clever, told me her maiden name; asked where she lived, told me the wrong town... )

I have my 'me' weekend (discussed at last weeks MC session, which, by the way, there is a picture that my WH took of her car in front of his car as they were driving just 10 minutes prior to our session.. the nerve!!)

I come home Monday, he's home, somber, sad, stating it was nothing, and wants us to be together.. blah blah....Tuesday night, nothing... fast forward to Wednesday...9/17...

Now I'm still curious, not enough info.. Call the office, ask her last name, they give it to me not knowing the spelling.. I google every possible formation (it had to be a really odd last name right!!) heck, she's married and lives in MY TOWN!!!!!

So, I call the house phone, they don't accept blocked calls. RATS! My good friends assist in my snooping, they do drive bys and use their cells to call... Finally, she had answered when I called and is asking why I'm calling her.. said I wasn't I was looking for OW's H... said I would keep calling until I spoke with him.. He called back.. told him everything I new, she must have just started to tell him, that was after she called my WH to tell him I'm letting the cat out of the bag, that they have been found out!

Tell the OW's H, he wants to meet with me to see the pictures (phone kepts at friends to preserve evidence and I have therapy) tell him to call my tomorrow.

My WH comes home, tells all (I think) and she was the same girl since that March incident...has 2 young D's etc, WOW.. so... here I am. Numb, embarassed, feel like a fool, I think every emotion possible...

Now, not sure if she has quit, was not there yesterday.. I told my WH that one of them needs to leave their job and I'm putting the house up for sale anyways and when that point comes I'm moving to another town maybe with him, maybe not... now of course he wants to come with him has been researching houses today as a matter of fact...

Do I believe a 6 month A can end like that? Nope, I want to tho, has anyone had that happen?

I know this is long, I tried to condense as much as possible, I'm just feeling like I'm going crazy!!!

My FWH's one year affair ended without any withdrawl. OW was in another state vs your OW is in the same town and they work together so that is a factor to consider. But don't believe a word H says. He will be trying to minimize the depth of the affair. The lies and spinning aren't over.

Kudos to you for being so proactive. I know you feel like a crazy woman, but take a breather. Maybe slow down on making such a big decision as buying a house right now. Hang in there.

I know.. that's what I'm afraid of.. more lies, being made to look like a complete fool. The OW's H has not called like he said he would to see the information that I had.. The OW had the nerve to call me yesterday and tell me too F*** Off.. That she owes me no explanations...

I asked my WH why if he started this A back in March swore it was only a one night stand with someone he does not know, nothing happened, we bought a 29 foot boat.. Something he has wanted.. Shame on me. Thinking it would be good for the family, we have had fun but now that its ALL OUT, I feel like a fool.

To think that if I did not confront the OW and the OW's H, it would still be going on.. day 2 since the confront with the OW's H and she was not at work again today.. I'm hoping she quit.
My WH says no contact... he only has a work cell phone so can easilty delete anything without me knowing about it...

I'm so torn... do I work it out or do I let him go.. I love him with all my heart but fear that he will just do it again.. and by accepting this, and working it out with him, makes me feel like I'm worthless. He says I deserve better, that he does not deserve me... I wondering... is he right?

Had to come back.. just to type my frustrations. Again, 6 month Affair and now he claims to have cut off all ties? Trying to be devoted to me? Lies, just so many lies.. can I really forgive?

Part of me is sitting here asking myself am I this worthless to allow myself to want to try and work this out? I keep wondering why he wants to stay.. I'm thinking he has nothing and no place to go.... Had the OW been single, I may not even be here on this site right now... I'm sure he would have opted for the OW.

So how do I 'pretend' to seem like its ok.. sleeping in the same bed all along..

Ugh... so many emotions and, I know, it has only been one week since I found out and the major fall out just occurred wednesday when I finally got to the OW's H and WH spilled it all, I think.

Trust, so lacking of him right now. He's played me this long how do I know he's still not playing me?

Welcome to MB.
Sorry you need to be here.

Trust is the key, you are correct. Do not anticipate that you will trust your husband anytime soon - 1-2 years is a decent time frame for that.

You will learn to trust yourself again as well.
There is the "I am such a fool" element - which really cuts into your being able to trust your own perceptions and judgments. That too will be restored - and sooner than you trust your H -

Here's the key about trust - you cannot trust your H until you trust your own judgment -

Also - you cannot be the policeman in your marriage and be happily married - so eventually you will let go - and part of that letting go is self trust that whatever happens, you will be OK and you will make good decisions.

If H is "playing" you - he will screw up. You will know. Trust yourself.

Please keep posting. You may want to move this thread over to the GQII forum - or start a new one there. There is more traffic on GQII. It's up to you.

My H had a EA/PA with his friend's wife. The A lasted almost 2 years.
I did a D-day call to OW similar to yours.
My husband stopped his A immediately. He was scared chitless.

Ask questions.
Post.
Do not invite your H to join MB just yet.
See how this plays out over the next 10 days or so.
If your H is sincere - MB will be willing to help him too. It he still in his affair - we'll hit him over the head :crosseyedcrazy: :twobyfour:

Pep

Thanks so much Pep! I really needed that..
I feel at this point, the only support I'm getting is here and my friends (although they tend to be somewhat biased).

I've turned to MB to see how others have survived, to see if.. I can survive this.. I will try to move thread over, question is, how does one do that?

Fogg

report your own post to the moderators
make your request for a move in the comments box

how are you doing on a personal level?
eating?
sleeping?
praying?
exercising?

It's a beeach being betrayed by the one you love- and your general health gets sucker punched right along with your heart

Pep

how are you doing on a personal level?
eating?
sleeping?
praying?
exercising?



[/quote]

Eating... after days of absolutely none, slowly being able to consume food. Sleeping? Again first few nights few hours.. past two nights I'd say about 5-6 hours. Praying? ALL THE TIME.. exercising i have gotten back into my routine as well..

It's my mind, I keep replaying tings he has said an now knowing teh A, it all makes sense..

Like at the MC session before I found out.. I had said I sometimes felt I deserved better. he said go and find him..

The issues with our sex life and the fact he has not initiated or reciproacted for a long time and whenI asked, his reponse "I don't know" Now I know!!

The things that's the hardest is how doesone do this to someone they "love" Part of me just wnats to throw in the towel. my DS16 is full of hatred towards my WH, even said if I don't D him, she will trash the house...

gotta try and prtoectthe kids, maintain a house, walk on eggshells and give all the EN to my WH and still keep my sanity and self worth? I feel like a well used doormat...


taking the girls and spending it with my friends for the weekend. I'm hoping the fog will lift and I can think with some type of clarity

I didnt have one of 6 months but I did of 3 months. I came back to my DH with my A ending just like that. We packed up my apartment with what we could and I never saw him again nor talked to again.

He contacted me about a yr or so later I hung up on him. My A ended just like.

So yes it can end just like that but there also might be the withdrawls of not talking to OW.

Thank you prety face... did you have withdrawals? How did you deal with that? How did your H help you? My H is so to himself withhis feelings I'm not sure I will know other than bouts of anger towards me perhaps??

Getting ready to leave and he is basically beggni me not to go, to spend family time with him... Told him I had already had plans and he normally works so... I don't want to give up my friends b/c he now wants to spend time with me? Plus I told him I wanted him to use the time to dig deep and truly find what he wants. To fill out the EN questionnaire as I will be doing as well.

Thank you all so much for your input.. without you I think I'd truly go crazy!! :crosseyedcrazy:

nthefogg:

I think you did great! The exposure was great! My WW cut of contact with the OM on d-day. I have lots of EP's in place and I know there is NC. I even posted in another thread asking about WS's who quit "cold turkey". See it here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2119845&fpart=1

I don't think it is that common but it does seem to happen. Keep exposing...his work, friends, her parents if you can find them and so on. If the A is continuing, dont let up and PLAN A!

Good luck and keep posting.

I never had the urge to call OM when I left. I even dreaded having to contact him *with DH present* regarding OC. And that convo was with his mom. I did say once that OM isnt really that bad of a person. But that was more of me coming out of the fog. And fog babbling. I would say for me to be fully out of it was less or up to a month. I was more dedicated at getting my family back together when I moved out. I was busy with DS and finding a great family for OC.

Ok.. So, I go to friends yesterday wiht the intentions of spending the night their with my kids.. .after a few beers, I'm missing my WH and call him to come and get me and the little one. He does and we spend the night on our boat.

This morning, we have breakfast and come home to do projects around the house together...

So, what's the problem you say??

I come oneline to check in here, notice the history has been erased. I question WH about it, asking if he has contacted her via e-mail, IM's or whatever.. He denies.. finally states he erased the history because he sent to look at redtube and being that the kids use the computer, did not want them to see someone accessing porn site...

Why don't I believe him?

Anyone know how I can track or recover what he did on the computer yesterday afternoon? I feel he's hiding something and I always trust my gut instinct

I am pretty new to all this also, but I am going through a pretty similar situation. My WH was having an EA/PA for since July. Mine just agreed to stop contact with OW Wed. and has been showing all the signs of withdraw again. He did the same the week before and gave in and contacted her knowing I check the cell phone log every day and would see it and go off. Unfortunately OW is not married so she is fighting to stay with him, she says she loves him and fate brought them together. I feel like I have to look at everything and I dont trust anything he says to me at all. I know that he was having contact with her through email as well so I downloaded a keylogger on my computer. It logs every website visited and every key typed on the computer. It is hidden so he will never know its on there. Unfortunately you wont be able to use it for yesterdays history but it will let you see if he uses your computer for that again. I know there is a way to get the history after its deleted but I dont know how to do it. I would check with a computer wiz if you know any. Search online. You can find just about anything on line these days. Good luck. Unfortunately my WH is sneaky enough to not do any of that on my computer. He has his own so he uses that and if he doesnt have it at home he must wait til he goes to work the next day. Just hang in there. I am so glad I found this site. There are alot of good people with alot of good advice.

See if you can find a keylogger. Most you have to pay for. I think there is a free one out there but be aware that
1. Might run the computer a little bit slower and/or
2. Might have pop ups.

dont be stupid like I did. I installed one and well when DH went to use the computer it had something about the program was about to expire. Opps. Good thing he wasnt upset with me.

So Im not some computer minded as he is ... oh well... lol