Hello,

My wife and I recently hit a major skid after 17 years of marriage and 2 wonderful children

A little history:

We started going to counseling in the spring which was mind blowing for me as she unloaded 17 years worth of issues and anger on me, many things that happened years ago that I didnt even know she was angry at me about (now that I know, I feel guilty as hell). The biggest issue is that I was stonewalling her (getting pissed and not talking to her for days at a time.) This led her to be afraid to talk to me about anything she thought might set me off.

My main issues with her were lack of intimacy and not enough sex. My wife is very attractive and I have a very strong sex drive and I think it is fair to say we are just not wired the same way in that area. When we have sex it is usually great, just not often enough for me. We went to a few counseling sessions, never really followed through with the counselors suggestions and then got busy in the summer and things just kind of went back to normal.

Unfortunately I kept stonewalling her just about every time I was angry and it finally blew up in my face when 3 weeks ago we got into an argument and she told me she was not in love with me any more. Needless to say I was too blind to see it coming. I have not been the same person since. I am crushed. I feel so stupid that I have put my marriage in danger over what was mostly trivial stuff and my inability to see what my behavior was doing to our relationship.

We are back in counseling now which has been going pretty well, but I am struggling with my emotions big time. I just cant get over that she doesnt love me, and I feel an enormous sense of guilt and shame that I hurt her. She has told me that she does not want a divorce and wants to keep the family together but needs space while we work through the process of working things out and healing. We are still together and sleeping in the same bed, which is so very hard for me as I want to be close to her but most of the time she just doesnt want to be close. I have asked her sincerely to be my friend as we work through this but she has put up a barrier around her and just wont let me in.

I love my wife dearly and feel terrible that I have hurt her and I want to get her to believe that I truly love her and will change my behavior. I know that I need to earn her heart back and that it will take time but it is so difficult to be patient.I feel like crap all the time, am having trouble sleeping and cannot concentrate on my job. Some of the things she has said makes me think that she is punishing me as she knows I am hurting badly, but she denies that and keeps telling me she needs time and space and that I need to deal with my own problems.

Any ideas on how to improve my situation and cope?

BTW, I have never hurt her physically and as far as I know there has been no infidelity.

Thanks for listening.

Man, talk about being in the same situation. Mine started about 13 months ago. ANd it hasn't improved at all. For 6 months, I cried every hour, all day long.

Check to make sure NOTHING is going on. I'm not saying she messing around. But check. She may be on her way to being a walk away wife (which I think is my problem), which is kinda like a female mid life crisis.

I guess the first thing is make sure of no affair. Then DO NOT beg, cry, insist, ask why....do not do ANYTHING that would make you look needy. Im not saying act like your on cloud nine, but do NOT let her know you are falling apart.

And keep busy, doing things that make you more attractive. The gym, classes, religion, dance lessons, lessons on ANYTHING. Learn to cook, to play an instrument, to paint. Go hiking, renew some old forgotten interest. Start filling your needs BY YOURSELF. You really have NO choice in the matter at this point.

Good luck. On monday, old timers will be around giving you advice. Listen, learn and choose which best fits your situation.

I have to tell you that her current behavior is CLASSIC signs of an A. Classic.
Before you start insisting that she couldn't possibly be having an A, you know where she is all the time, she would never do that, she is just having a mid life crisis, etc, please hear me out.

first of all, this business:

I am sure that you have done, and said, some things over the years that you now regret. But I am sure that she has done, and said, some things over the years that were not very nice as well. But that is what the M relationship is all about. both parties are human, and we know we will all make mistakes over the years, so you promise to stay together for better or worse. Please don't beat yourself up over this any more. It is ok to apologize now, and then do better, but please do not carry the guilt.

this is a huge red flag that she is involved in another relationship. She is trying to justify her other relationship by telling herself that you have not been a good H all these years, and she had no choice but to go outside of the marriage.


Ummm... this is another big red flag. She needs more space, because she has someone else that she is "talking to" and she is not sure where that reltionship is headed. She does not want to give up on her M yet, in case the other thing does not work out. I know you don't wnat to hear that - but I have to tell you that this is a CLASSIC sign that she is having an A.

I don't know how much reading you have done here so far - but her affair may not be physical yet(PA). it could be just emotional (EA). But an EA is just as harmfull to your M as a PA.

Also, I always worry when someone says that their spouse is "just having a mid life crisis". a spouse does not just have a midlife crisis.
It manifests itself in some way - many times as an A.

I am not saying any of this to scare you!! I just think it is important for you to prepare yourself for the high possiblity that there is someone else lurking in the shadows. You need to spy like crazy. You will be able to fight the battle better when you have more info.

also - a couple of thigns to keep in mind;
do not cry in front of her
do not beg, or plead.
Apologize for your past behavior once, and then move on. Show her by your actions that you will do better.
You need to be the strong man that she married. Come here to share your fears - but to your W, show a strong man.

read the articles here
and keep your eyes OPEN.

Thanks for the insightful replies.

I did cry more than once and I have apologized repeatedly. I am trying real hard to get that out of my system and be strong. But it is real hard.....

As to the infidelity, I sincerely doubt it - she is just not that kind of person and I would be absolutely floored if she were. But, I have taken steps to be 100% sure. Feels kind of sleezy, but it is necessary.

I am glad I found this board, Thanks.

Acxpert, if I were you, I would get thee to the next Marriage Builders weekend. Dr Harley teaches couples how to fall in love and STAY IN LOVE. I did not believe that claim until I experienced it myself. Most couples that attend contain ONE reluctant spouse and Dr Harley is often able to get through to him/her. They give you a crash course and then follow up weekly with you for as long as it takes. You would have daily access to Dr. Harley.

In my opinion, it is far and away the best program out there, because it really does work. Even Retrouville counselors attend it.

A book you would find helpful is Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Dr Willard Harley. Here is a short video by Dr H about the weekend. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

Have you ruled out an affair?

ut oh... what does "NEED SPACE" mean EXACTLY? "SPACE" to DO WHAT??

Tell me what you have done so far to RULE OUT an affair, please.

Thanks for the info, I will look at the MB info.

As to ruling out an affair, I am doing detailed survelience that should tell me for sure. To much detail to post here, but if there is something going on I will find out about it. So far, nothing.

I tell you what.....I would give my RIGHT arm if I could get my wife to go to that weekend.

I tried to get her to go to Retrovaille.........after she stopped laughing she asked me if I was serious...

"YOu seriously think ONE weekend will undo the HELL I've experienced for 20 years???""


Thats a good suggestion. Ask your wife to go. See what she says.

If she really wants to fix it, she will go.......

I hope you don't find anything but I suspect an affair as well.

Consider this...how do you KNOW you no longer love your spouse UNLESS you have feelings for someone else to compare your feelings with?

Keep your wits about you (stay calm and get all the facts before confronting) and don't get caught. It will be easy if something is currently happening but if it's something she did earlier this year or last year it's likely evesdropping on her conversations with her girlfriends will get you some answers. Guilty waywards just can't keep a secret.

Again...hope you don't find anything but if you do it MAY actually be easier to save your marriage (if you choose too) since there would then be an explanation for her behavior (i.e. - She's the problem...not you).

The truths the truth either way.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Acx -
Just wanted to see how you were doing.

Doing OK. I was real busy this weekend which kind of helped take my mind off of things.

We spent some quality time together over the weekend which was nice, and she seems to be loosening up a bit. I have backed off a bit and have been trying to give her her "space" so we will see hot it goes.... But I have been active with flowers, cards and other little things and that seems to be making a difference.

We have counseling later this week which should be interesting.

Thanks for your concern and checking in.

I, too, hope you don't find anything but I feel I should warn you. I was the LAST person on the planet that ANYONE thought would have an A, but I did.

Acxpert, just so you know, the need for "space" always means "space" to carry on an affair. There would be no other rational cause for "space."

Have you done any sleuthing here to find out what is going on?


Just a heads up, but counseling is USELESS when one person is an affair. that is because recovery is impossible when there is an affair. The most critical thing you can do for your marriage is to rule an affair IN OR OUT.

AC,

Does your wife work or is she a stay at home mom?

Thanks,

kirk

She works part time, 2 or 3 days a week. She has a pretty busy schedule volunteering at school, kids activities, etc. so not alot of spare time......

Acxpert....can I also suggest that you and your wife do the "Emotional Needs" questionnaire, it's under the Questionnaires tab at the top of the page. This may also help you understand why she feels the way that she does.

Although, my situation is different (my H had an EA with a cowarker) you will find the answers you and your W give to each question very inlightening.

Kiwi...I thought the same about my husband. He was always the one that hated people that had affairs, thought "Affair" was a bad word, morally it was just not something that he would EVER do. And the lying that comes with the Affair. He was the one that NEVER lied, told the children that lying was one of the WORSE things you could ever do. It caused others not to believe what you said.
Then our marriage went down hill, due to the EN on either parts getting met and he has an EA with a CO-worker.

So, Acx.....don't rule out an Affair.

I am not ruling anything out and I am taking steps to be sure.

Thanks.

What kind of steps are you taking to be sure?
What kind of sleuthing are you doing?

If she *is* in an A, she might be good at hiding evidence. If folks here know what you're doing they might be able to give you ideas of other things you can try.

Some other things to consider: has your W begun paying more attention to her hair, makeup, clothes? Has she started dieting or exercising? Has she taken an interest in new music or new hobbies? Is she reading books by new authors?

As far as hiding evidence I dont think so, but I have an open mind to any possibilities.

As far as sleuthing I dont want to go into detail here but I am very tech saavy. I am open to hearing any tips though.....

No change in hair/makeup/clothes. She has always been very fit and no change there either. No new hobbies and she has always enjoyed reading.