Same answer I got in Thayer Missouri...

Subject: Why Women are Cranky


We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right, and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months, so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the [censored] (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex?"

Yeah, right. Bite me.

A man and his wife are making love. Deep in the throes of passion, they do not notice their 8 yr old son standing in the doorway with a look of terror on his face.

The man says to his wife "Oh lord. Id better go have a conversation with Timmy and explain a few things".

The man trudges down the hall and opens up his sons door, where is is SHOCKED to see Timmy going at it with Grandma. "MY GOD!" the man screams - "WHAT are you doing". Timmy replies...

"Not so funny when its your Mom, is it?"

I remember when my wife got her first credit card. She ran out the door yelling "C H A R G E ..."

I didn't see her for three days...

Finally she comes in with all this stuff and says, "I have two surprises"

"What's that?" I ask.

"First" she says "I got the Cadillac detailed."

And I said , "What Cadillac?"

She said "Oh, that's the other surprise..."

So one day we get something she never expected...

A BILL...

So we got a Visa and charged the MasterCard to the Visa.

Eventually everybody wanted their money at the same time and I had no choice. I wrote out a check to Visa and another one to MasterCard. I mailed them off. The one made out to MasterCard I sent to Visa and the one for Visa I sent to MasterCard.

They got the checks and saw that they weren't for them, but both of 'em were glad SOMEBODY was getting some money, so they sent the checks back...

And I tore them up...

I know I have to pay it all of sooner or later, but in the mean time, if the bill collectors get too nasty I just might get an American Express...

Miss Beatrice,


the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister
noticed a
Cut -glass bowl
sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water,
and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied,
"Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package
on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu
all winter."

There was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a b#tches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a b#tches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a b#tches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,

"Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours."

So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,

"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a b#tches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the b#tch in the kitchen.

Military Wisdom

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-Gen.Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
-U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
-Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink ONE liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than ONE kilo of E. coli bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo or 2.2 lb. of Poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or rum, whiskey or other liquor because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water=Poop, Wine=Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine & talk stupid, than to drink water & be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I'm passing this along as a public service.

link

ONLY look at this link if you still think tie-dye is cool and know who Fred Flintstone is --- and you're high as a kite

Pep

AHHHHHHH,,Yes Pep------- Those were the DAYS!

When songs actually had some meaning!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss wonder loaf.

Okay, I made this joke up. If ya'll would, please grade it between 1 - 10 (with 10 being ROFLMAO).

JOKE:

What did Mr. PotatoHead tell his guests when his wife was late to their party?



He SPUDdered: "She'll be here in a minute, she's putting her face on"

I don't get dat joke!!

ya have to TRANSLATE for Texans, you silly goose!!!

Silly Texans.

I have the same problem with her Jo.

I had a weird session with my IC the other day. I told him I had the same recurring dream - one night I am a Wigwam, another I am a Teepee. Wigwam - Teepee. Wigwam - Teepee.

Doctor said, "I know your problem - your two tents."

Yah, pretty bad but it is the only clean one I know.

She gets it. She's just jelly that I can craft and tell a good joke.