True////you can dance to it. It is educational....dancing while you get educated - that's a good thing.

I was educated. I didn't even know condoms came with fragrance.

so, who's going to want to smell the condoms?

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping.

The great detective is startled in the middle of the night and rouses his sleeping friend:

"Watson!" he says, "Look up. What do you see?"

Drowsily, Watson replies, "Why Holmes, I see millions upon millions of stars"

Unimpressed, Holmes asks: "Yes Watson, and what do you deduce from that?"

"Well," continues Watson, "Astronomically, there is potentially millions and millions more...
Philosophically, this impresses mans' hopeless insignificance in a vast universe...
Meteorologically, there is a twenty percent chance of rain tommorow...
Horologically, it appears to be two o'clock in the morning...Good Heavens! Holmes what on earth do you conclude from these stars?"

Sherlock Holmes, master detective, lights his pipe, looks at his friend wistfully and says:

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

Great one Mark! LOL

Mel,

Being a blonde, any comments? <ducks>

Why yes! I got dat joke!

okok, it just took 2 days and reading it 3 times :teef:

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b*tch to death with the chair!"

(Thanks to an elementary school teacher friend I have).

Yet another one from my friend:

Real newspaper ads...


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single
bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.


AND THE BEST ONE:


FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything

This one is 'specially for Jerry and Mark!

Q: What's brown and red and lyin' in a ditch?

A: A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes!


*Please note, this joke may be altered to fit whatever color hair that Jerry and Mark have!

Mrs. W, a blonde

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

One day, three officers were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Royal Australian Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
POOF!

God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times.


Seeing this, the Navy Captain played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."
POOF!

God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times.

The Army Colonel saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Pleae God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."
POOF!

God turned him into a SAS Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred metres, and walked across the bridge to the local pub for a few pints.

I just KNEW there was beer in the joke somewhere

A guy walks into a bar holding a lamp and a paper bag. He sets the bag on top of the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender serves him and notices that the bag keeps moving.

He asks the guy, "Buddy, what's in the bag?"

So the guy opens up the bag, pulls out a tiny piano and a little tiny man.

The man walks up to the tiny piano and starts playing a beautiful rendition of Mozart.

"That's amazing! How did you get this?"

The man answered, "I have this magic lamp. Rubbed it and a genie came out and granted me a wish."

"Can I try?" asked the bartender.

"Sure."

The man hands over the lamp, the bartender rubs it and a genie comes out.

"I'll grant you one wish" said the genie.

"I'd like a million bucks!" said the bartender.

The genie waves his arms and the bar is suddenly filled with ducks, one million of them.

"What the heck?! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" screamed the horrified bartender.

The man looked at him and said, "Do your really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week. Please try the veal.

Wow,my grey to white hair clashes with red, big time.

OTOH............

I did have an encounter with a blonde last week. She was pushing the button on her car door opener over and over again and crying by the side of the road.

I stopped and asked if I could be of assistance and she replied perhaps. The battery in my car door opener has gone dead and I can't get into my car. She looked around and asked, do you think that store down the road has the right battery for this device?

I asked her to show me the opener and alas, it had a ring of keys attached to it. I inserted the right key into the door lock and opened the door.

I then explained to her, if you use this key, you can start your car and DRIVE over to the store to see if they have the right battery.

She was ever so grateful....

All Blessings,
Jerry

There's a blond walking on the beach when she finds an old lantern that washed up and lies half-buried in the sand. She digs it out and is brushing the sand and seaweed off of it when there's a flash of fire and a puff of smoke and a genie appears.

"Thanks" said the genie. "You can't imagine how badly I needed to stretch my legs."

"So," asks the blond, "Do I get a wish?"

"Well of course you do," said the genie. "What would you like?"

"Gee," said the blond, "I'd better think about this."

After a few minutes she said "I know what I want most of all."

"And what would that be?" asked the genie.

"I want two really big boobs."

There's a flash of fire and a puff of smoke and she's left all alone on the beach...

with John McCain and Barack Obama...

Okay Mark. Fess up. You made that one up yourself, right?

Actually, I just modified the one I heard four years ago...

Overheard in Temple...(Think heavy Yiddish accent as you read this)

"Josh my old friend, I'm sorry I couldn't go fishing with you last week, but as you know it was the Holy Days and the whole family came to visit.

My grandson, he's only 5, wanted to go fishing so I took him and we went down to the pier. He doesn't have the sophisticated equipment that we have. We just took a broom-stick and tied a string on the end of it and tied on a hook.

We used bread to make dough-balls and he had such a good time playing in the water and trying to catch the tiny little bait-fish that were swimming around the pilings.

When it was almost time to go he let out a yell and the stick was almost pulled from his hands. I grabbed it just before he fell into the water and fought for two hours and 30 minutes before I landed a 350 pound marlin."

"Abe," replied his friend Josh, "I know what you mean, my old friend. I too couldn't go fishing because of the Holy Days and my family came to visit also. My little grandson, he's only 3 by the way, wanted to go fishing.

He too doesn't have the sophisticated equipment you and I use and Mamma wouldn't let us use her broom stick so I cut a stick from the tree in the back yard. I tied a string on it but didn't have any little hooks so I took a safety pin and bent it with my pliers and tied it to the string.

We got to the river down by the bridge where you and I used to fish when we were just boys and it was there that I realized that I had forgotten the bread to make dough-balls. But he didn't care, like I said he's only 3. So he played in the water and pretended like he was fishing and had such a great time.

When it was time to go I took the stick with the string with the safety pin I bent tied to the end and pulled in the line. Hanging on the bent safety pin tied to his line was a lantern. I cleaned it off and found a little plaque that said "1863". Inside the lantern was a candle...

Abe, it was burning..."

Abe leaned over and said "Josh, I'll tell you what. I'll knock off 200 pounds if you'll blow out the candle."

The boss sent three guys to qualify the new vendor. They were a hardware engineer, a software designer and the head of the marketing department.

The marketing guy was driving the rental when they heard a "Pop" and a tire started to go down.

The marketing manager pulled onto the shoulder and threw up his hands. "That's it," he said. "We need a new rental."

"Don't be silly," said the hardware guy. "We have a spare in the trunk. We'll unload our luggage, set up the jack, raise the car off the ground and change the right front tire. Then we'll just put everything back and try it. If that doesn't fix it, we'll pull over again, jack up the right rear change that one and just keep working clockwise around the car till we get the one that fixes it."

The software designer leaned against the car and said, "There's a Starbucks. Let's leave it alone for a half hour and see if it fixes itself."

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?



It's a trick question. That would be a hardware problem.