Oh, wow! I didn't know whether anyone here would remember me! First up: thanks for the Spying link, most useful (although not for me - thank Heaven).
And second: an update. A brief one, because I'm not sure where I left you all. But I remember that I posted about the day that I KNEW my marriage was over. Through and through, to the depth of my soul, and I was at PEACE. Things got steadily better since.
I credit three things with getting me here today, to a point where I can say I've moved on. First was Plan B. Although I had a bit of a hiccuppy start (my letter wasn't as good as it coulda been), I became the poster girl for Plan B. I had [Then]STBXH calling my name outside the house at one point! But by Heaven, I was the Sphinx: unmoveable!
And the less contact, the bigger the peace, and I found that everything I'd been putting in place for the past 10 months or so (namely looking after myself, every single day, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically) began to yield their benefits and I rediscovered life. Joy. And most importantly, myself.
The second thing that helped me move on was the knowledge that I'd done all I can. I don't think it's possible to move on without this. You need to know you've tried to the best of your ability, and your decision to move on without a spouse must be INTENSELY personal, and rooted in what's most powerful and important to you. It can't be because of what anyone else thinks. It can't be because evidence is pointing in a direction contrary to your marriage being saved. It can't be a mental decision when your heart is still wanting the spouse and the marriage. The head and the heart MUST agree, or there is no moving on, and this can only happen when you hear a still small voice inside say something like, "Well done, though good and faithful servant," just because you've done all you could for something you felt was worth salvaging.
The third thing was... erm... how do I put this? Becoming completely and utterly self-absorbed? LOL! OK, that said, kids don't count! All of you know kids come first all the time so you don't count them.
But the rest of it was key: reacquainting myself with ME, pursuing the things I'd always wanted to pursue but couldn't because XH was so incredibly P/A that he was effectively able to stop me without me realizing, just doing great stuff, and surrounding myself with all the wonderful people I have in my life. I started travelling - on my own, for the very first time in my life. New York, Vietnam. I started dating. Cautiously at first, because I couldn't do it any other way, but I set out with no expectations, and this attitude helped me meet a few men I am proud to call friends today. Nearly a year ago I started dating a wonderful man who has the talent of making me both laugh and swoon - sometimes simultaneously - and although neither of us are looking to gt married again just yet, and are not entirely sure what the future holds, we love each other very much.
But the coup de grace to my old life was when, at the end of last year, I decided to move from the town where I'd settled with XH - the town of his birth, which he'll never leave - and move to Melbourne. Well. It was TERRIFYING. I still feel like a little girl in some ways, you know, I married young and there are aspect of my adult self that haven't been fully developed until I was on my own, and I wanted to call out for my Ma! But it was 100% the right decision. I sold the house (which I ended up with after settlement) overnight, I bought this one overnight, and when we moved here, even despite the boxes and boxes and horrible mess, it felt like home IMMEDIATELY. Rather than suffering horribly in being away from his dad, S13 has grown in confidence and maturity and happiness, and is just thriving; he still goes to visit XH every second w/e (it's a three-hour train ride), and I'm sure he wishes they were closer on some level, but he is not hurt about the sitch at all. One time, I asked him whether he missed our old town, and he said, "Nope!" I expressed surprise, and he said, "Why are you surprised? You prayed about us moving here, didn't you? And you felt it was the right decision, didn't you? So why would I miss it?" On top of this, as soon as D20 and S18 heard that I was moving to Melbourne, they decided to move with me. This meant that S18 left XH. So all of us moved in together as a family for the first time in 18 months. S18 said to me just last month, "This is the first time I've felt at home since you and dad split up". Here in Melbourne, I managed to find a job with actual MEANING, making a difference in people's lives, with a wonderful team of principled, fun, intelligent people, and I also continue to write.
It hasn't all been easy, of course. Settlement was horrid, as has been XH's attempts to impact me. And he doesn't stop, you know. Although the nastiness is largely gone, he wants to have an "in" to me, all the damned time. He wants to be my friend, is desperate for it, but I'm not going there. But a month or so ago, I thought, OK, enough Plan B-ing, and decided to give the man a bone. It's not that I'd been nasty to him or anything, but I'd been very careful to not give him ANYTHING. So I started letting him ring me about S13, and being nice when he rang, and laughing at his lame jokes again. He loved it, and then... WHAM! He'd go back to being Demolition Man again (but in a much lesser way, since he's got NO power to affect my life in any way these days). Then he'd ring up again to get his "bone". I've realised that my being "nice" to him is causing him tremendous conflict. I don't know whether it's internal conflict - because thinking of me in positive terms would remind him that he left me for no good reason, and more importantly, no good woman - or external conflict, via the woman he now calls his "partner". His "partner", BTW, has his gonads in a vice, and has successfully alienated him from his other family, ie. parents and siblings. He's dreadfully unhappy, but tells the children, through torrents of tears, that he's "so happy now!" He's blaming me AND his folks for his unhappiness these days. And so it goes. I will never have a relationship with this alien creature inhabiting the body of the man I used to love. And you know what? I'm FINE with that.
My biggest challenge of late has been banishing him from my thoughts. I realised that living with this for so long has made my thoughts of him - countless times a day - very much a habit. So nowadays, when the thoughts of him-and-how-he-done-me-wrowng come, rather than chasing them, I let them settle and then go. It sounds very zen, but it's been hard work! So worth it though. The last frontier.
Anyway. Life is good. So, so good that I can't believe my dumb luck. As we say over at 4060: it starts off being about them, and ends up being about US. This is where I am right now.
You know, when I arrived here, someone's advice (I think it was Mimi's) was to have hope. If not hope for the marriage, then hope for yourself. This rang true with me because hope is one of the three great virtues for a reason. Hopeful people are successful people. And to any of you starting off I would urge you to HAVE HOPE. Hold hope for yourself above hope for your marriage because it is this hope that will allow you to do both Plan A and Plan B... and move you beyond that, whether it be restoration or a wonderful life on your own.
Thank you all for welcoming me back, and also for the support and wisdom you liberally supplied during what were some incredibly tough days.
OK - that wasn't brief at all! Sorry!
