Hello all, I'm new to site but sooo lucky I found it. I at least have some smidgen of hope.

I'm 37, W36, married 11 years, 2 girls 8 and 11.Last week today I had another tantrum / outburst and afer I returned she told me she wanted to leave me and didn't love me anymore. I love my wife and will do anything to keep my family together.

I spent two days in furious panic trying appologise, and to plead with her to give me a chance to fix things that were making her unhappy but she had closed herself off. Since then I have scoured the internet looking for resources to help me and found MB.

Since that point I have calmed down and focussed on the hope that removing the LB and doing anything that feeds her EN might one day give me a chance to be a better husband and father.

Why has this happened? OMG why didn't take the signs seriously. I have slowly eroded her love for me to nothing through my abusive anger and not spending enough time with her or my girls, mainly lost in computer game addiction. While this has been a constant battlefield of contention I felt justified in negotiating my free time as my own and ignoring her critisism of my use. While I always stated that if i had to choose I would choose her and the girls, I didn't think it should be necessary to choose. I was blind.

Most of my tantrums have been as result of rejected / delayed advances to her for intimacy - something that obviousy fed from her unhappiness and my not looking after her needs.

We are still in house sleeping seperatley, the house has been on market for some time so that will be the point of seperation.

I have ordered two of Dr Harley's books and suprisingly my wife has agreed to read some print outs of the basic concepts etc. I presented them to her two days ago with a letter expressing my best understanding of how I have failed her and the girls. It didn't soften her approach - as far as she is concerned she is not changing her mind.

Yesterday was first day I have really broken down and cried as I started to feel there was no hope. My goal is to try and get some kind of break thru of at least willing to try to save marriage before the house sells.

How should I behave each day? Should I try to engage her - leave her alone altogether? Should I try and be happy around her - should I offer to move out? I want to just go to her and hold her.

Thankyou for reading my post and the mess I've created.

Is there infidelity in your marriage?

Not on my behalf and I don't believe there is from my wife.

Calm,level emotions. Not needy and pathetically clingy. Remorseful, and repentant for your part in what has brought your marriage to this point and that you will do everything possible to restore her love and respect. (you will not be a doormat) You will be a strong but gentle and loving husband and father. You will provide for your family as best you can.

You will be a responsible grownup man. You will give up your addiction to online gaming. You will be well groomed, well dressed, and get in shape if you aren't already. You will be then be sexy and appealing and deserving of her love and respect..

Thankyou Trix - just the succint, insightful, and practical outlook I need atm. My emotions are very dynamic at the moment.

Greg, would she go to a Marriage Builders weekend? This is a crash course teaching couples how to fall in love again. And it really DOES WORK if the participants work it. I was skeptical myself, but we went and it works exactly like they say. Most couples that attend contain one reluctant spouse, btw, and sometimes they are successful in turning this around.

here is the link along with a video: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

THAT is your best hope, IMO.

But first, I would rule out an affair by doing some serious sleuthing. An affair will warrant a different approach. Don't ASK her if she having an affair, just find out on your own.

Melody, thanks for response - as I'm in Australia I don't think there are any organisations following the program. I did a look for that earlier under local help section.

In my initial clumsy and desperate attempts to reach her the request to see a MC wasn't even entertained. She has been hurt and disapointed by me for so long and my last selfish behaviour was still fresh in her mind. I'm afraid to approach her about reconciliation at this point. I want her to not feel pressured.

Gee, if she were having an affair that would be REALLY tough. I mean, this is bad enough. At least I'm only fighting against my historic record - not some other new exciting person.

Greg, even if there is no infidelity, read-up on plan A. You need to focus on YOU. Channel all of the negative energy into being the best individual you can be. Meet her needs on her terms - she will give signs as to what she is willing to accept. Try to spend 15+ hours/wk together. House chores shared are a double-bonus; you get time together and show you can work as a team.

Be leery of an affair, however. While it is possible there isn't one, your story does raise some red flags. I seriously think some snooping is in order.

Take it from a reformed husband - you can do this.

Hi Greg - i'm also in Australia on the Central Coast north of Sydney. Where are you based?

Thanks Shocked - I will go and read that now.

I'm on the north coast about half way between sydney and brisbane.

15 hours a week,mmmm, bit tough - she has decided that next week we should each spend nights sleeping elsewhere - her at her parents or friends - me at my mothers.

I agreed to this as it seemed a way of allowing her to feel safe at home. She was worried how I would react to the situation even though I have never physically harmed her.

Is this a bad idea? - she will more than likely go anyway.

It is a terrible idea. She is having an affair, Greg. My suggestion would be to tell her you won't be leaving and you don't agree with her leaving. In the meantime, have her followed to find out what she is doing with whom. Don't explode, just quietly find out.

And whatever you do, DON'T leave your home. Appeasing your W in her goal of marital destruction will not help you, it will HARM YOU and cause her to lose respect for you. Your marriage is under assault and you will have be more shrewd in order to save it. I am so sorry.

I know I have pushed her into a deep withdrawal where that type of escape would be a possibibility but I really doubt that she is seeing someone else. I will check her phone but it's not likley that is an issue.

Although, there is a very toxic friend who has just given up on her partner and is very bitter because he never commited to her and was always leaving and coming back. My wife has been spending more time with her recently than previously. Like even before the last blowup so I think that has something to do with it. It would be great to get her out of the picture but I have no bargaining chips to play at this stage.

Ulimately I'm the one that let us dissolve into this state.

I tried to encourage her last night to read, or read with me,some of MB concepts by telling her how it is possible to regain our closeness when we both get the tools to care properly for each other. I asked her if she would would fill out the EN questionere. Her response was to say she would read in her own time and that she might fill out questionere. I can see she is in turmoil as she didn't dismiss the idea of a chance out of hand but she said she is still angry and didn't think she could deal with it anymore.

How I wish I cared for her better so this never happened. I'm such a selfish idiot.

Greg,

Did your hear what Mel just said to you in the last post? Your W is having an Affair with another man. Do you hear that loud and clear? When one spouse wants "time and space", it's a code word around here that she want's space to carry on her affair without your interference. Without your eyes upon her..

When you've had an epiphany wherein you finally realize that, then we can help you. Until then, you will flounder around and scratch your head.

When you have the confidence to snoop and find this out for yourself, let us know.

All Blessings,
Jerry

ps: stop wringing your hands and wondering what you did wrong!!

GregO:

Let her see you as the kind of person she wants. Meet all of her emotional needs, no love busters, no yelling. One thing that I found was very hard was being upbeat when she was in a "mood".

Don't let her down moments pull you down. Allow her to have her ups and downs. Just like the oceans waves, you cannot stop them from rising and falling. Her moods will do the same. You need to ride them out. Give her space (dont force conversation) when she is down and be there when she is up.

DO NOT MOVE OUT. You cannot make deposits into her love bank if the bank is closed.

Greg, I am afraid you are going to be in for rude shock. I so hope we are wrong, but even Dr. Harley, who has specialized in adultery for 35 years will tell you that everytime he hears a spouse "needs space" it always means there is an affair. There is no other reason, outside of physical abuse, that would move a woman to leave her home as she has suggested.

Please DO NOT bring your wife here until an affair has been absolutely ruled out. If there is an affair and she is reading here, then we cannot help you save your marriage.

I would not ASK her, but quietly snoop. Check her computer, cell phone, put a tap on your land line, hire a PI. But find out. And don't tell her you suspect, she will just deny it.

Maybe I should have explained better - the kids are not aware of situation as yet and we have been alternating on the couch and getting up before the kids wake. The idea of leaving house is to leave when they go to bed and be back before they wake up. Not to leave for any period of time.

I am more stressed about this now that you are all so adament. I don't think I could cope with that prospect to be honest.

GregO:

What part of DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE are you not understanding? You cannot leave and you should not ask her to leave. The whole purpose of PLAN A is to SHOW HER how you can meet her EN's. If you are living apart, how can you do that? Also, if there is an affair going on, it will make it easier for her and harder for you to bust up.

Do not come here looking for help and, when everyone gives you the right answer, go and do something else.

PLAN A and SNOOP.

Greg, there is absolutely no reason for you to leave your home, even for a NIGHT. there is no reason for you to leave your BED. STOP. Why in the world would you do this?

If she has told you she "needs space" [which always really means "space" to carry on her affair] then clear out a corner of the garage and put a lawn chair out there. She can go in the garage to get her "space." THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOUR HOME.

I accept and am grateful for anyone taking the time to help me. I am trying to get to her phone.

I guess the issue for me is if it's not an affair would not giving her the space without me she feels she needs make it worse or better in long run? Would it make it more or less likely we could recover? If either way it makes no difference then obviously the best course of action is to stay. And try to encourage her to stay but what can I do if she decides to go and sleep at her parents for example? Me checking with her parents and / or following her might push her further away and prevent her dropping her defenses. If accepting any time apart is counterproductive no matter what then it's a no brainer isn't it.

She has put up with a lot - her anger and not wanting anymore pain are also possibilities but I won't completely discount the possibility of another person.

On a happy note - she read the introduction to How to Save your marriage and bring back Love guide this morning when I offered it to her.

You have got to be kidding me. Can you really not see that your wife has something to hide? What in the world could possibly be wrong with you calling her parents to check up on her?

How about you call them RIGHT NOW and find out if she has been staying there at all? And if she was home all evening?

PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, DON'T HIDE.

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!!

YOU ARE BEING PLAYED!!!