Dan and Bit...
I have read many times of this dynamic in a marriage...
Until I read, "Facing Love Addiction," though, I didn't know it wasn't making someone else give me affection...it was a human reaction, a normal give and take, coming from fear.
I think both of you could benefit by posting in the Emotional Needs forum...gets more traffic...
You're not alone. Bit's right on about the questionnaires...they are surprising...
Define what affection (an EN) represents to you...approval, acceptance, an act of love, admiration...pinpoint the symbol...and know these also as signs of what you lack in giving to yourself...
During a tough time with my WH, I learned to give myself affection, after defining it...foot massages, rubbing on lotion (I know that some guys think that's icky); self-hugs, even hand holding (looks like clasped hands until I made it a state of self-affection)...
One thing I think the Harleys don't do well in their literature is to show levels...because they depend on the spouses, all individuals...getting your needs met isn't possible when they are huge...and knowing what is moderate in partnership, is difficult because of focusing on that need not being met makes it bigger...
Proportions matter. My DH used to believe I was unfillable...which pulled him to withdraw...why try and fail? Putting all our needs on our partners, choosing to see it as me being filled from the outside, was unreasonable, and engineered my biggest fear...not being filled at all.
Filling ourselves brings a whole and complete you to a whole and complete partner...where you can complement, not complete, to thrive.
You can do this...you're not weird, you're not alone...and you're not wrong.
You're learning a new way to live, if you'll read all of the articles on this website, and growing.
Welcome.
LA