(Note : this is repost from General 2 - got some good advice but want as much input as possible - Ta)

Hello all, I'm new to site but sooo lucky I found it. I at least have some smidgen of hope.

I'm 37, W36, married 11 years, 2 girls 8 and 11.Last week today I had another tantrum / outburst and afer I returned she told me she wanted to leave me and didn't love me anymore. I love my wife and will do anything to keep my family together.

I spent two days in furious panic trying appologise, and to plead with her to give me a chance to fix things that were making her unhappy but she had closed herself off. Since then I have scoured the internet looking for resources to help me and found MB.

Since that point I have calmed down and focussed on the hope that removing the LB and doing anything that feeds her EN might one day give me a chance to be a better husband and father.

Why has this happened? OMG why didn't take the signs seriously. I have slowly eroded her love for me to nothing through my abusive anger and not spending enough time with her or my girls, mainly lost in computer game addiction. While this has been a constant battlefield of contention I felt justified in negotiating my free time as my own and ignoring her critisism of my use. While I always stated that if i had to choose I would choose her and the girls, I didn't think it should be necessary to choose. I was blind.

Most of my tantrums have been as result of rejected / delayed advances to her for intimacy - something that obviousy fed from her unhappiness and my not looking after her needs.

We are still in house sleeping seperatley, the house has been on market for some time so that will be the point of seperation.

I have ordered two of Dr Harley's books and suprisingly my wife has agreed to read some print outs of the basic concepts etc. I presented them to her two days ago with a letter expressing my best understanding of how I have failed her and the girls. It didn't soften her approach - as far as she is concerned she is not changing her mind.

Yesterday was first day I have really broken down and cried as I started to feel there was no hope. My goal is to try and get some kind of break thru of at least willing to try to save marriage before the house sells.

How should I behave each day? Should I try to engage her - leave her alone altogether? Should I try and be happy around her - should I offer to move out? I want to just go to her and hold her.

Thankyou for reading my post and the mess I've created.

My H had frequent outbursts. I can tell you,they are very emotionally draining. What saved our marriage was marriage counseling and an antidepressant. I'm not saying you need an AD but I can not tell you how much they helped my H. It took it about 2 months to take effect.
Maybe if you get some counseling your wife might give you a bit more time.

She's had enough and doesn't care what I do. As far as she's concerned that's it. She needs to want to save it just 1% and I'll move mountains to be a better husband but it's too late for her.

I'm just going to try and do what I can until the house sells.

Verbal abuse/ anger issues....slowly kill the desire of the other to have anything to do with the other.

Maybe give her a break, while you work on yourself...she may or may not see the changes...but those changes have to be REAL...no the empty promises she has heard in the past.
She cares, if she bothered to read the print outs....she doesn't trust you...you've given her good reasons NOT to.

You are in control of YOU...

Check out Plan A....and get with it.

If you possibly can, get a counselor and work on giving up your undesirable behaviors and developing new habits.

Talk to your doctor....if you are stressed out, panicking, and angry, it will be harder to show the traits she wants in a husband? Learn to be the man she wants. Work on meeting her emotional needs.

Women are not attracted to men who act weak, scared, angry, desperate. They want men who are strong but gentle. They want men who are kind.

Thankfully I went to Dr straightaway because I knew I wouldn't cope and started AD. This week I get a referal to a psychologist so that will be good.

I have looked into starting an anger maangement course which I plan to try and start next week when my wife takes the girls to visit her dad for the week.

And I've gotten two of the good Dr's books to read now.

One thing to try is to say:

"DW, I want to let you know I am taking what you said about my anger outburst seriously. I am really starting to understand how it has affected you and I will be going to Dr. So and So on a weekly basis for counseling on Anger Mgt. I am going to continue with this counseling no matter what happens with us. I hope we stay together, but if for some reason we don't, I am committed to working on this issue."

If this is how you actually feel, then hopefully she will see that you are taking her concerns seriously and not just as a ploy to "get her back." If you don't stay together, you need to work on this issue for any future relationships anyway.

Thanks Wanna - talk is cheap at this stage. I have more or less said that to her but yeah, like you said, there needs to be action and demonstration of my inner belief for the need to change.

I'm home alone now for 1-2 weeks as she has taken the girls to her fathers for the school holidays. It was a trip planned before the blow up but it was only going to be 1 week at that point.

I have been foucussing as much as possible on meeting her Family and domestic needs and being as affectionate to her in my actions as she'll let me. I helped them get packed into the car and she accepted a hug and I told her I loved her before they left.

My 2 week goal is to start the anger management course and to diet and cycle twice a day to lose as much weight as possible. I'm not obese but I could lose 10 kg. And the first psychologist appointment is in a week.

I'm off for a bike ride then

Highs and lows today.

Had my first anger management session today and came out feeling really positive about taking charge and being proactive.

Then we get an offer on the house that my wife wants to accept. It's $10K below out asking price but we've had it on market for a while now. That pretty much ends the marriage I would say. I'll have very little chance to change things now.

All I can think of is I failed my girls and I failed my wife.