Hello everyone please be patient with me as I am new here. Just to give a little background i have been married for 12 years and have 4 children ages 8, 6, 5, 3. My husband and I were having a rough time a few years ago and we were living apart. OW husband shows up on my doorstep and tells me that his wife and my husband are having an affair. He tells me where to find her so I immediately talk to my husband and her and they both say that all they did was talk. I see no other signs but am still not comfortable so it just keeps coming up in arguments occasionally. My husband works in the arctic circle so he is away a lot. I come home one night a few years later and get mail from office of child support enforcement. I think it is a mistake until I see OW's name and realize that it is true. The child was born 11-22-06. He did a paternity test and settled out of court with her for child support in March 08. She was married to one man, having another mans child, dating a different man who happens to be a county deputy sheriff all during her pregnancy. My husband has said all along that it was a very non emotional thing. He says they were physical 3 X's and he ended it and moved back home. I believe that because she got involved with someone else immediately. She said she couldn't get pregnant after having ovaries removed due to ovarian cancer then later said she was on depo shot. He says he didn't tell me because he saw no other option but for me to divorce him and he would lose everything. Even she says that he was afraid of losing his family and would not tell us for that reason. My husband fell behind on his child support and she went wacko. She started calling my church which is also my employer and telling them things like "I need you to pay my electric bill because one of your members got me pregnant and isn't paying child support." Four people at church new about OC before me. After all this we hired an attorney to file for visitation and then things got out of control. I was being stalked by the sheriffs dept. I had a deputy sitting in front of my home multiple times a day. Following me to pre-K etc... My pastor and I went to the sheriffs dept and they addressed the problem quickly and swiftly. I never see an officer anywhere now! After she was served with papers they immediately called wanting to drop the child support if we would let her boyfriend adopt in a couple of years when they get married. Keep in mind they have been dating since she was 2 months pregnant. Our lawyer advised against since there is already a court order and she can always go back to it & hold us responsible for back support. I have been told the courts will not suspend a child support order because they consider it the right of the child not the parents. No contact is not really an option since we live in a small town and she has told so many people and we have tons of family here. I am not worried that my husband will go back to her because there is an absolute hatred there. She has pretty much blackmailed my husband constantly harrassing him for money. Calling all the time. Threatening warrants etc... via the deputy boyfriend. I can see the GREAT efforts my husband has made in our marriage since his affair. The only lies are tied to hiding his A and OC whom he has NEVER seen. The question is how do I go on? How to deal with OW, OC? Can my marriage survive? BTW we were in MC when he had the affair! I get pretty emotional while my husband is gone now and that has not been an issue for me in the past. If I go a day without talking to him I come unglued. He works 3000+ miles away and phone service is unreliable. I need to pull it all together for my children's sake but how do you go on? All the attorney and court stuff just keeps bringing it up all over again. Then there is some resentment towards my husband that he was willing to inflict this on his family all for his pleasure. Waiting anxiously to hear your replies. Hurtingmomof4

Welcome to MB!!!

I'm very sorry you find yourself here. But please know this is the most amazing place to help you walk one of life's toughest things to deal with.

There is a lot to read and absorb. I just wanted to touch base and let you know you aren't alone and that weekends are slow, so be patient, lots of vets will be around to help you.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Your husband has really made a mess for your family.

I can't believe that he bought the no ovaries story, and then the shot story. If a woman had no ovaries, obviously she would not need any shots to keep from getting pregnant.

Also you know that your husband wasn't taking any precautions to protect your health while he was having his affair. It is mostly his fault.

If they got married and he adopted the child, then did your attorney say that hubby wouldn't have to pay support? To me that seems like the best option.

You might want to post on the Pregnancy/Child board if you haven't already. Hubby did the right thing by getting a paternity test. That is always the first step.

Have you been working on fixing the things in your marriage that caused the separation in the first place? That is important. I hope you will continue reading on this site to learn how to have a better marriage.

There are many people here who have gone through what you are going through and ended up happy with a better marriage, so there is lots of hope. Hang in there.

Thanks for the quick replies. She had said she couldn't get pregnant due to the ovarian cancer deal. Then when she told my husband that she was preg. He was like HOW??? Thats when she changed her story and said she was on the depo and unable to carry a child full term. Yes we have been working on the issues that started the affair and I can truly say that my husband has done his best other than telling me it happened. When he made up his mind to come home to us he has never waivered. Even our physical relationship is good again after he finally had it out in the open. We had problems where my needs were not fulfilled and he just couldn't because of the guilt shame etc.. I feel like I have all the puzzle pieces now to work with. Just not sure how to deal with OC.

Sorry I did not answer a couple of things. Yes I realize that my husband put my health in jeopardy and we have checked into those things. The attorney said the same about adoption and support. The OW wants him to sign off rights NOW and then her and boyfriend will get married in a few years when they save up enough money to build a house and new truck?! Then they will adopt. The lawyer says they want him to sign off and they will never adopt just collect support. OW also has a 5yo son she also collects support on. There is no doubt in my mind she got preg on purpose. My husband was so gullible to fall for her I cant get preg stories.

The thing that is important is that you and hubby take charge of the situation. Don't leave it up to the OW and her boyfriend. I think your attorney may be right. They have been together for 3 years and haven't married, so what is the hold up? A house and a truck? YIKES!

I have an OC who I didn't find out about until she was 2 years old. My ex hid her from me. And it turned into a nightmare. The OW was kind of like the director in our marriage. He paid CS but it was never enough for her. She kept getting thrown out of her home, had many lovers, and was a real mess. We kept helping and helping, hoping that some of the money would trickle down to his daughter.

When the daughter was 8, the OW moved away, changed her name and we lost contact for 20 years. My ex died during that time, but the OC found her step-brothers (my sons) through MySpace.

The whole thing was very hard on the marriage. So I suggest you and hubby develop a plan to deal with everything with a united front.

Thank you for replying I completely agree. Hubby and I have agreed not to discuss this long distance anymore. He will be home in 14 days for 4 months! I think we have presented a united front to the OW. She is scared now. Not wanting us to have contact but wanting our money. It bothers my husband that the OC will have to deal with live in BF's bad home life etc... He says it is totally my choice though and he thinks I will have a hard time with it. He would rather have no contact than to lose our relationship and family. We are seriously thinking about filing for custody. Anyone out there done that with OC? Believer did you have contact with the OC? How did you feel about her? Waiting to hear back.