Was this at work? And was there more than one communication? Do you see still speak to each other regularly at work?

So I see the NC is NOT in place but you want to do right by your husband?

Why even seek the contact with the OM?

This is why working together during or even after an A is not appropriate!

Does your place of employ have a rule that an affair will result in termination of both of you?

Does your WH know that you talked with him AFTER?

Or are you continuing to hid and lie to him, your WH, to 'protect' him? Or are you just more concerned with keeping the lines of communication with your OM open?

Are you sure they are on his end or yours?

I have to say I am doing the best I can right now. Dday as you all call it was a week ago. I am not hiding anything from my husband. I tell him any and all contact I have had with OM. I can not just up and quit my job with 3 children to raise. I am looking for another position. I am understanding the "rule" of NC, have changed my schedule to avoid working with OM. Some passing at shift change is unavoidable. I no longer have anything to lie to my husband about. I wish to open my communication with him, not the OM.

I believe there were feelings on both ends, but I also understand that very well was just part of his game. My concern is now my husband's feelings and my feelings toward him.

Then how about ending all conversations with the OM?

It's tough, MUM, coming out of the fog...I remember.

Some clear, simple lines to help you.

You are currently cheating on your marriage.

The infidelity continues to be an issue because the infidelity continues.

Contact continues the affair.

Each time you struggle with not thinking of the OM, say the truth to yourself: "I am choosing to think in fantasy, not reality right now."

Where your thoughts dwell, there is your treasure.

See, OM was never a treasure...sure felt like it. Because you "dwelled" on him, he became your focus--fantasy is what you choose to live in. See how you cheated on your BH, in your thoughts, words, deeds...and treasured someone else because you excluded him from your focus?

That is what hurts to the core, MUM...that rejection/exclusion...from your choice of where to dwell in your thoughts. All those lies you told to yourself, hurt you, too. Rebuilding your BH's trust is just half--you gotta rebuild your own. You thought inside-out for quite awhile.

Healthy boundaries are to not have "friends" of the opposite sex...not at work or elsewhere...just your partner. Whether you're attracted to them or not, don't do it. It's how we protect our marriages and ourselves...and our partners.

Now you know. As long as you glimpse OM, work at the same place you might see him, speak with him, etc...you are continuing to be an adulterer. You are choosing to cheat on your marriage.

Those are your real choices...in six months with NC and you choosing to think of your family, your BH, instead...you can fall in love and have wonderful feelings flood you again. Each contact and thought you have with OM delays that, risks it.

You might, in six months, be without a husband or family...surely you've given up your children for OM, haven't you? They need to be informed, told to their level what you've done, why you did it (stinking thinking) and why you won't do it again. Won't guarantee that your BH won't decide to go ahead and divorce and get primary custody...as long as you continue to be unfaithful (fear of losing your job, not your family), you risk reality, for fantasy.

Would you really be okay with looking each of your children in the eye five or ten years from now when they ask you, "Why was your job more important, why was your fear more important, why did you choose OM over us?" What will you say?

I'd love you to say, "He wasn't, nothing was. I did everything to own what I did, put into place why and how I would not harm my family and marriage, and I'm so grateful your father chose recovery."

Whether you get to keep your marriage or not is out of your hands...choose to fight for it, 'k? Only way to your personal recovery, redemption, solely in your control. Fog makes horrific choices...make new ones. Stop the infidelity now, 'k?

Tell your HR or supervisor of the A and ask for complete NC. You can do this...you only know you're brave after you've done the right thing.

LA

MUM, I would give him 2 weeks to leave, and if he is not gone by then, it will be up to you to leave. Working with the OM is the equivalent of a "recovering" alcoholic going into the bar and having beers every day, but calling them "business drinks." You are essentially still in your affair if you are still in contact. You can't turn back the clock and turn lovers into platonic coworker.

An alcoholic cannot ever recover unless he stops drinking altogether and you won't ever start recovery until you end contact.

Not to mention that it is profoundly cruel and thoughtless to make your H wonder every day what you are doing. He will have no peace until you end contact.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, this is a CRITICAL first step. Just as an alcoholic cannot recover unless he stops drinking, an affairee cannot recover unless she/he ends contact.

And MUM, I do not judge you. Please do not think that for a minute. You have judged yourself and don't need any help in that regard as far as I can see. I can hear the remorse in your voice and know you will receive much help here. I am hoping MrsW and Lala will stop in and give you a hand, because they have been in your place and have recovered marriages today.

We BH's have learned the hard way that WORDS are cheap ... ACTIONS are what are important to us. So "IF" you are indeed concerned about your BH's feelings ... leave that d@mn job TODAY. At a minimum, if possible, request a leave of absence to see if OM does in fact find another job, while you look for another one yourself. If OM leaves, THEN you can go back to your job, or maybe you'll find another one yourself in the meantime.

However, continuing to work there WITH OM, while making EXCUSES about why you can't leave IS DRIVING YOUR BH CRAZY WITH WORRY.

YOU caused this mess ... now its up to YOU to fix it. Take some meaningful ACTION for your BH, because based on your past recent behavior your WORDS are worthless.

Yes, I agree with Mel...I can hear the remorse in your voice and have a lot of hope for your M as well. Hang in there and keep posting even if you don't like what you are hearing.

Is your H posting here? Please know that he is likely in a lot of pain and probably needs a ton of support. Please send him here...

MUM, please understand this is not a "RULE," we are telling you, but a TRUE FACT. The TRUE FACT is that you will not recover your marriage unless contact ends. An alcoholic cannot EVER recover unless he quits drinking. You will NEVER save your marriage unless you end contact. Not a "RULE," but a TRUE FACT.

It does not matter if you are "honest" about contact, that misses the point. Being "honest" about something that is destructive to your marriage will not remove the damage it causes.

I agree. I would be damned if my WW would be going back to the scene of the crime...even once. This affair should be exposed to HR by the poster. Let them sort it out. One of them needs to go today.

I agree that you seem to have remorse. That isn't enough. Get out of that workplace today....and NEVER [censored] where you eat.

Oh you all have no idea how close to home this is striking me!

Having similar e-mail exchanges with my WH on this very topic. For some odd reason, he states he's looking but in no way feels this is a continuation of the A, that there is absolutely NC...

I keep telling him I'm not stupid, and that his lies, and the truth have come so intangled, he has no clue what's right or wrong...

BUT, his last parting words on this recent e-mail he sent me was that if that is how I feel, then that is how I feel....WHAT?

That to me just goes to show, he has no interest in working this out...

Go to your BH and tell him I am leaving my job but will look for work. Sacrifice a few pleasures for something that will help the M.

Melody is right NC is not a rule it is a fact. YOU can not even see the OM. And him and you working in the same place WILL NOT help in yourself or your M.

Im sure your H will understand if you talk to him why you must leave. Hes wanting to work on the M and he too will take the bite for a bit.

Dont give the kids as an excuse. You will survive a week or two out looking for a job I am sure. You have use of the computer at home. Work on finding a job from there. Many resources to get a job.

MUM.....Let me tell you from a BS point of view....one where the WH worked with the OP.

Every single contact is like another knife in the heart, it's another betrayal. It's another chance for the Wayward and the OP to have continued contact. Contact that as a Betrayed Spouse, we have to "believe" that it was nothing. Well, believing and trusting is just not in our vocabulary right now.

If you REALLY want your marriage to work, YOU need to quit ASAP.