I have come a long way since I found out in May....in that sometimes I just dont care what he does and the hurt and pain has subsided a lil bit. However Thses days I'm just so angry and sometimes I wish my WH could feel the same pain that he caused me. I have forgiven him but why do I still get so angry? Does anyone wish their WS to feel the same pain that they caused?

Still deal with that on occasion and I'm over two years out.

Some days I feel very deep anger.

It's going to come and go for years.

I'm a lot farther out than you....and sometimes I get so mad at x that 'I could just spit' as they say around here. Sometimes I couldn't care less and sometimes anger really gets to me. I guess it's normal.

You are still getting angry because you feel pain today!

You forgave yesterday. But today the pain is fresh. And you feel the anger and resentment again.
Forgivness for such an offence is not a once only desission. It will have to be repeated time again for quite a while. It is a proces.

God bless your forgiveness!

Frank,

Thanks for the reminder that forgiveness needs to be repeated over and over again.

Anger will continue to come, especially when you deal with the ugly parts of your new existence. That is an especially vulnerable time.

I often find myself cursing out the ex when dealing with wanting to talk to my kids and not being able to or having (now) to commute 3 hours to work because she decided to move away. I think I spend just about every minute of the drive cursing Hillbilly Hell she moved to and angry at her for moving the kids there and making what was an already long commute much longer.

But it's a process and pretty soon that long commute will become routine and will be offset in other ways.

Wow, you're only 4 months in...of course you are still angry. And yes your feelings are normal. I'm 7 months along and I still get extremely angry and distraught. Honestly, I think that anytime I think about this, ever for the rest of my life, I'll get angry. With time though, it enters my mind less and less.

My FWH has gotten more and more remorseful over time. It took a while for the whole thing to sink in and for the devastation he caused to set in. Initially I think he thought we'd just move on and I'd get over it. Then reality set in. I thought about starting to date, and quite honestly, still consider it from time to time. This scared the sh*& out of him. Sorry but I'm not going to be trampled on like this and 'just get over it.' I've got a lot going on for myself and I don't need to stay in this marriage. But the kids kept me here and the fact that my FWH is extraordinarily remorseful. He has said over and over that he will do anything to make things better and to show me how much he loves me. He hates who he was and what he did. He sees the OW as having no redeeming qualities. (I'm still pissed off he didn't see this when she was hitting on him). He has told me that this has shown him even more just how much he loves me and adores me. At this point, it is like he's falling in love with me all over again. So I'm trying to work it out, because I don't want to rip my kids lives apart, and quite honestly, I'm not sure anyone else will kiss my A&^ like this.

You may never get remorse, however, or even an apology.

That keeps the anger simmering, IMHO.

You'll still be angry years down the road and comments such as "gosh, why aren't you over it already?" simply make you angrier.

You'll go through waves of anger. Some worse than others, but less over time.

We are 7 weeks into R and I have moments where I think I would have been better off going through with the D. 98% of the time I am glad we are working through things but that other 2% can really put me in a mood. I think about RA's and not caring anymore. If she finds out, GOOD! Let her hurt a little since I have seen no remorse. I quickly come to and realize that is not the right think to do. I loved her so much and fought to save our M and now I find myself loving her less. I have no idea how this will end up.

You are not alone.

I'm a little over 2 months out, and I'm not as angry as I was in the beginning. I still have my moments though. Earlier on I thought a lot about an RA and often questioned whether or not I was strong enough for R, whether or not I even wanted to R. Like a pp said, 98% of the time I'm glad I decided not to toss FWH out on his back end, but the 2% puts me in quite a mood too.

It's hard. We were wronged. We were betrayed. We were stolen from and lied to. It's normal to be angry about that. The difference is what you do with that anger.

OK, I am over 4 years out.

Sometimes I look back at the IMMENSE WASTE of time, emotion, and BRAIN POWER thinking and focusing on the A and the aftermath. i e mental masturbation, if you will.

I start seeing the big/huge picture of how this has totally changed my life and way of thinking about myself and her and all of you Well maybe not you all.

This is a life altering event! And yes I STILL get angry about it. More so about how this stupid, selfish DECISION effects the REST of our lives.

AND sometimes I still do think about the "if we divorced" factor. I would then not have this CONSTANT reminder that I see and interact with daily.

Don't get me wrong, we interact together fine, and all is well, BUT THE MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE! If you get my drift.

So time does dull the pain and eventually ALMOST stops the mental movies.

IMHO

kirk

I don't know if you are on the road to recovery or not but I'm sure that affects anger levels and what triggers them. As a stbD-BS, it's really easy to be angry at WstbxH and OW. I have nothing to stop me. In fact, I blame him for all sorts of stuff even now, a year and a half later (must be his hair that clogged the drain for example). But the less I see him, the less it consumes me. I don't know if it will ever go completely away though after I sell my house and move, I believe the triggers will be greatly reduced as well.

I don't forgive him and I won't (I think I define forgiveness differently than most folks on this board). I accept that what happened, happened. But I can't forgive someone who shows no remorse.

1)Take fWW on trips, make her see/remember the Romeo she risked losing.
2)Revenge Affair(Yes, I WROTE THIS ONE OUT!) lasting one month
3)Moved out to own apt
4)Looked at it financially and my income jumps w/ a D due to stay at home WS.
5)Filed for D three weeks ago
6)Tell WS relatives the sorted details.(Ruins Holidays for them)
7)Lessons Learned-Me(No one deserves too much trust)-fWW(Be careful who you cheat on, you might awaken a sleeping tiger and
get it handed right back to you!)

8)Priceless - Its been five months and I think about it less and less. I already have a girlfriend and refuse to let her mistake Fup my life.

I am 2 weeks out and a wreck, still. Trying MC but everything is going sooo sloooowly. I feel I'm in a time warp,, slow motion. Am starting to talk with W every day at a very personal level, for the first time in years, and I am liking it but this is such a steep mountain to climb, and she is somewhat reluctant to try to climb with me. These are such sad days. Hoping for the best and doing all I can to move forward.I can't see 2 months of this, so I give you credit and you should be proud of that. I know your pain.

I am probably the one person who should get mad, good and mad, and truly it just hasn't happened.

I certainly haven't had the opportunity to get mad at WH b/c he just walked out and didn't care what hurt he caused. I didn't have the luxury of getting angry at him because for some reason early on I figured out this was serious and I needed to just love him and remain calm.

Well it's been over 16 months and I have not had the opportunity to get mad at him at all. H is gone and all that's left is a monster who doesn't give a hoot whether I am alive, well or surviving. And that just hurts and I guess if anything that is what I am most mad about.

I was stripped of the chance to express my hurt over what happened because I wanted him home and was willing to place any of the hurts on the back burner for him to come home. I sold out on myself and worked a Plan A and now Plan B and he is just gone.

So I am left with nothing. No marriage, no H and no opportunity to express how I feel. I am grateful I have a G-d who loves me enough to keep me sane and keep moving forward to heal and know that one day it will be over. I just don't know how it will end.

I feel the sorrow in your note and after 16 months, you need to shape up and take control of yourself. It's about you, not him. You still have a life, with some tragedy in the past. Focus on the NOW and on YOU. Certainly faith will help you but you need to clean out the cob webs and re-start the fun and positive energy n your life. It is hard work but you have to do it for yourselfy and those that love you. You remind me of me.

I two am just two weeks out of discovery. I find I have good days, I have bad days.. Not really sure I show an improvement.

I see the attempts the WH is making, although he tackles the minor ones first as oppposed to the most important ones but I can't bring it up, it would be a LB so I suppress. I have to hold my tongue ALOT of times and avoid making a rude reference to the OW

Today, for instance I sit here and ask my self, do I want to even bother and try anymore.. I had tried at the D-Day #1 and I mean did the PLAN A to the hilt. Thought it worked. Dumb butt I am. He just continued it behind my back and even more so.

SO, do I want to go all out with PLAN B again? Not sure.

Trying to do the pros and cons on this one.. for some reason I'm thinking the cons of trying to work it, will outweigh the pros.

Just a rainy, dreary, I'm feeling sorry for myself, bad day..

A Wet Fogg

Queenie,

I can sooo relate to this. I feel like my exH wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire. It is very surreal, one day we are planning a trip to Disney and the next day he is this raving lunatic.

He was angry for a long time. I have no idea what for. Maybe he was mad at me since is affair didn't pan out, I have no clue why he is mad.

Sometimes I wish I could get angry, he is still a jerk and causes me great stress. But there is still this sick, twisted part of me that is in planA (everyone roll eyes).

Now, I was angry shortly after d-day when I realized he wasn't go to stop the affair. He caught me beating up some furniture after I thought he had pulled out of the driveway. He looked at me like I was a lunatic and realized that I wasn't "over it". (Hard to be "over it" when "it" wasn't over).

Anyway, Queenie, I just wanted to give you a shout, I follow your thread and relate to so much of your feelings. I think we stuff the anger since they don't care about it. I wonder if it slowly dissipates or if it turns into a terrible sore in my soul.

I don't know if it's gone, or if it just a part of me now.

I tend to blame the American legal system.

If I could legally execute OM, I'd be a happy camper by now.

Sure, his wife might decide to execute my wife, but I'd be willing to take that chance.

I felt that way too. When I was 2 weeks out I couldn't even imagine a time when I wouldn't think of the affair every single minute, or the SHB (skanky ho bag). I thought I would always feel deep grief every single minute of every single day for the rest of my life. I thought I would always walk around with deep hatred for the whore, wishing I could see her face-to-face and have just one shot to beat her a** and rip her hair out by the roots. I was a mess at just two weeks out. Anxiety attacks, nightmares, on the verge of tears a lot of the time. I went back and forth about whether or not I should attempt to save my marriage, or cut my losses and drag my FWH through the court system, drag his name through mud with the masons, and make his life he77. I even contemplated having a RA. I was furious, I was devastated, I was caught off-guard, and I wanted to hurt the people responsible.

What's made the most difference to me is my FWH has done a COMPLETE about-face. He's remorseful, had NO problem with me checking on him or asking him questions (even more than once). Antidepressants have helped me a lot too. And read, read, read....that's been EXTREMELY helpful, and coming here, too.

Wow, I just read all of your posts, and I must say it makes me feel not so alone or abnormal.
I am nearly four months out and I feel anger, hurt, and confusion. It has forever altered my life. I do not view him, our M, or anything else the same as I did "before". I do not trust him. I doubt I will EVER trust him. I do not feel the same way about him and do not hold out much hope of it ever being "special" between us like I once thought it was.
I feel angry that I didn't get to have my say to the OW, because there is no way to contact her. She's probably too lame to feel guilty anyway, so I guess it'd be pointless to try to strike some chord in her heartless existence.
H will never fully understand what he has put me through, the pain that I go through on an ongoing daily and nightly basis. I do not sleep well. I am suffering stress-related health problems. I've had to go on anti-anxiety medicine and I walk twice a day.I feel I hate him for what he's done to me. I can't say I've forgiven him. I know I am required to but don't even know where to start...maybe the "starting" is by the sheer fact that I was willing to keep the S.O.B. after what he did to me. I despise him for thinking he could be so cavalier about all of this after disregarding me, his W, and so easily throwing aside the so-called vows he made to me. He apologized and cried once...but I live daily with this constantly on my mind, and no respite. I've been told it gets worse. Great. What I have to look forward to! And all because of HIS choices, not mine. Is it worth it? Probably not. A RA is not even a consideration...I would not stoop to his antics and besides, a man is the LAST thing I need or want at this point, if my M doesn't work. What I need is healing, peace, restoration, survival. Not some sleazy A. NOT interested!
Our M has been plan A on my part...I'm just about sick of the whole thing. BTW, we don't live together because he works 3 1/2 hours away and has not been able to get a job locally...he comes home on weekends, it makes it hard to get over this or bond or anything. Most of the time I wonder what I was thinking the day I M'd him.