Where to start... Ok, This isn't my first experience with MB, unfortunately my last experience ended up in Divorce after 12 years of marriage. But, I still believe in the principles of MB and am trying to incorporate them into my current relationship.

My GF and I have been together for over a year now. Shortly after we met we moved in together; six months later our relationship ended after a drunken night of picking fights. We were on the outs for two months; still in each others lives, but not together. We decided that we were both miserable apart from each other, and we would give it another try, this time taking things much slower. So, she moved into the house across the street, and things have been pretty good, up until the past month or so.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm to the point where I want to just give up; throw my hands in the air and let her fall on her face. We had a mutual friend (male) when we were together the first time; but him and I had a falling out and are no longer friends. She maintains this friendship, much to my disappointment. Oh, I think I may have forgotten one important part... they were lovers once; had a two month relationship that ended, but blossomed into them becoming "best friends"...

I've tried to comprimise; I've made demands; I've nearly begged her to cut ties with him... It seems the more it bothers me, the more she pushes the issue. Finally, I said OK, enough is enough, if you're going to be friends with him at least have the common courtesy of letting me know when and what you talk about. She did, for about three days. Feeling like something was wrong I checked her phone, and saw that they had been texting SEVERAL times a day, and he was using pet names such as "sweetie", "honey" and "babe". This, of course, led to another huge fight between us... I'm stuck. I Love this woman with all my heart, and one day I want to call her my wife, but I cannot do that while she is lying to me, being deceitful in her actions or in-actions, etc. I'm out of ideas and nearly out of patience. I need to find a way to resolve this before she completely destroys my Love for her.

From what I understand of the MB priniciples: Out of respect for your spouse, you should never be in contact with any of your former lovers. If your GF is unable to show you that consideration, then you should break up with her.

You are not stuck. Walk away.

That's the problem, I don't want to break up with her. I want to find a way to fix this issue. There are other considerations, such as the fact that her father died when she was a teen-ager, which causes her to hold on to male friends a little tighter than the average person.

I'm searching for a way for the both of us to respect each others feelings w/o hurting each other, or ending the relationship.

Thanks black_raven, but I don't want to do that. I've made a commitment to this woman, AND to her children. I Love her, and I know she Loves me, but we just can't seem to get over this hump. If it comes down to it, I know that's an option, but it's just not an option that I'm considering yet.

Relationships are about two people, not one. You can't force her to respect your feelings or not to hurt you, you can merely request those things (thoughtful requests vs. selfish demands).

Someone that refuses to respect your feelings, refuses to stop hurting you and is (in your own words) deceitful is not someone that you should marry.

Have you read about Love Busters?

Yes. We've both read the info on the website, and we've both filled out the ENQ and LBQ. I've read "His Needs - Her Needs", but it's been quite a few years.

I do have to say that she seems to be trying, but still scared at the same time, if that makes any sense. She really has never had a good relationship; she's been divorced twice, and has two children by two different men. My ameature psychology analysis tells me that she's afraid to open up (possibly because of the death of her father), but she's also a very strong and independant woman. SO, maybe she's fighting within herself on this level of commitment. I really don't know...

My head tells me the logical thing to do is to walk away. Afterall, this is our 2nd time around and we're getting dangerously close to the same circumstances that ended our relationship before. But, my heart is telling me to hold on and she'll come around...

It is not a "hump," it is a job interview that FAILED. You have no committment to her. And you will not be in love for long under these conditions. Your feelings of love will quickly erode, I assure you.

You sound like a teenage girl, JAB. Using no other standards than your feelings du jour is not a proper way to make sound decisions.........AS YOU CAN SEE. This is a set up for failure because you are not using any common sense in your selection of a wife. SHE IS NOT A SUITABLE CHOICE.

TEENAGE GIRL TALK!!

Following your feelings is a sure fire way to end up in the ditch, my friend. And that is exactly where you are headed. FEELINGS are very deceptive and will always lead you wrong.

You are a MAN, not a teenage girl.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeriamiah 17:9


He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered. Proverbs 28:26

[quote=MelodyLane
It is not a "hump," it is a job interview that FAILED. You have no committment to her. And you will not be in love for long under these conditions. Your feelings of love will quickly erode, I assure you.

[/quote]

Yes, I know that my feelings for her will dissipate; that's why I'm here. I can already feel my Love for her fading, and I know I've begun to re-build walls that have been torn down for quite some time. I'm not an idiot; I can see the potential and I know all too well the possible outcome. However, what I am TRYING to do is find a way to make her realize what her actions are doing to our relationship.

Can I just walk away? Sure, but I'm not ready for that yet. If this doesn't work it's inevitable; I will then have tried EVERYTHING I possibly could and will be able to do so with a clear conscience.

I am committed to this woman, but I am not naïve enough to believe that I alone can make this relationship work. If she doesn’t step up soon it will fall apart because of her own actions, and I will have done everything I could possibly do to prevent it.

I’m not looking for a pity party here; but there has to be someone out there that can see what I’m trying to do, whether it is the popular decision or not. I am no angel; our last go-around I was a self-centered jerk; now it seems that we have switched roles. Last time she gave me her whole heart and I pretty much stomped on it; this time she’s doing the same to me. So, is this a vicious cycle that needs to end immediately? Or, could this possibly be a situation where time is needed to heal from past actions?

Everyone says to ignore my heart & gut and go with reasonable thought, but that doesn’t work for me. I have to balance my mind, heart and gut to get a good answer / outcome. I’ve learned that from my past experiences. I know when she lies to me, not because logic tells me so, but because my heart and gut detect it. My mind tells me that I should turn this guy’s face into hamburger. Should I follow that logic, or listen to my gut that says “No, not yet”? Common sense would have had me married a few girlfriends ago; but my heart wasn’t there. So, are you saying that I should ignore my heart and go with my head for that too?

I’m sorry, but I can’t ignore my heart / gut and think only with my head. If that were the case we would have MORE divorce than we already do. The heart is strong. The mind plays tricks on us. The “gut” feeling is what I trust and follow 98% of the time.

She realizes just fine.


What?


Are you saying logic plays little or no part in this decision?



This is what your MIND is telling you to do? Are you SURE about that?


Your logic is telling you to commit a felony? Your gut is telling you to not commit a felony (yet)?


You've got your body parts all mixed up.


We see that. However, I must remind you that you CAN ONLY think with your head - your other body parts are not where your 'thinker' is located. I studied anatomy.



What?


Yes it is. I prefer to say the heart is resilient.


Then go forth with your gut - stop thinking - stop asking questions of others who advise you to STOP AND THINK - just muddle through. You certainly don't need anyone but your trusty gut.

Pep

Pep, good to see you're still here; I remember you from my last go-around as well.


Last time around I treated her like crap; I was the one that held on to my individuality and expected her to conform to my lifestyle. I've since had a change of tune, and realize what a jerk I was to her before. Now it seems like we've swapped roles. It's almost as if she's pushing me to see how far she can go, or how much I will take.



Yes, I'm sure. Violence is not only accepted, but EXPECTED in my "world". I don't expect others to understand; just as I don't understand middle or upper class suburbia.



Not sure how or why, but you and ML struck a cord this morning... All I had remembered from my past experience was my "gut feelings" on things, which is why I've been following my gut on this. But, I do remember having to cast aside my feelings and think completely logically in the end...

I think I've just had an ephony, but I'm not sure that I like it.