I am pretty new at all this so I couldnt figure out how to link my previous post on to this one. But I do have 2 others that will give you the details from the beginning.

Anyway, now he is home, he said he would have no contact with OW and again contact continued. This time it was him who contacted. I really thought we were making progress since he had been back home for 5 days and there had been no contact and we were getting along great. He was showing signs of meeting my EN and was being really good with our kids. I thought he was really trying. Then I see him contact her and it all starts again. He said they didnt meet but just talked alot. He said he felt down and needed to see how she was and then it was any excuse to talk. Well I blew up. And he again apologized and said he would put a stop to it. He didnt want to lose me. A day goes by and they continue. I waited 2 days and since they continued I blew up again. This time I told him I was done. I had tried so hard to make him happy and it doesnt work. He still cant let her go and she does all the psycho stuff, like cussing him out, showing up at his job when he wont answer the calls, trying to trick him into coming to see her. All the stuff he hates in women. I am not like that at all. But he says he would do anything to keep me and he would put a stop to it right now. Well she is fighting, she says she loves him and it fate that brought them together. She keeps texting him. That night he replied to all of them and then the next day he ignored them. I dont have access to his email to check if she is emailing but I dont think so. The next day we were going on a little family road trip from Thurs- sunday to the beach. He was the one who thought of going. Then he was all negative and nasty to our oldest son. Ended up we came home today, A day early cause he didnt want to sleep on an uncomfortable bed again. While we were there we had good moments and bad. He was totally not affectionate with me at all but he was nice and not distant. (He said when he put an end to OW that he needed space to get through things and he didnt want me to be affectionate or anything, just be myself and he would do it when he felt ready) (prior to this time he was affectionate and we were having sex again) Now that we are home, he is not around me at all. He went outside and sat on the porch for a while just staring, then came in and went to bed at 7:30pm. (not like him)He didnt even say goodnight or anything. Just disappeared and I went up stairs and he was getting in bed. I asked if something was bothering him and he put the pillow over his head and shook his finger no. SO I just walked out. He told me before that he didnt want to talk about all this all the time. He would talk when he felt like it, if not it would make him think of things when he wasnt thinking about her already. I am just really getting impatient. I am starting to feel more insecure than ever. I am starting to get angry and I dont want that to happen. I saw him texting today when he was sitting outside but I dont know to who. I cant see on the log til tomorrow. How do you get through this without losing all your feelings of wanting to make this work. I am just so tired of worrying if he is going to leave again or if he is thinking of her and is he going to call her again. Is he here just for the kids?? Or is he here just to say he tried to make it work and it didnt work so now they can be together with out the guilt. Can anyone help me.....

You need to follow the MB plan exactly and that includes exposure of the affair to his father and family. And yes, hubby will be furious. But exposure is the fastest way to end an affair.

Also set a time frame in your mind for Plan A. It should be around 6 to 8 weeks. You want to show him what a great wife you can be and an attractive alternative. Let the OW scream at him and go crazy on him.

I have exposed the A to my parents, and he went furious. He told me he could never be around them again. Exposing to his father or any of his family will not do much good. He is not close with them and they will not get involved. His family is all divorced and each one has been through the whole infidelity thing even his mom. So I think that would do nothing but start more problems. The OW is not married, her mother already knows and she wasnt happy about it but told her to let us figure things out and if it didnt work out he was fair game. But she thanked my husband for making her daughter happy.
I have been following Plan A since D day in July and he just pushes me away. Since he finally agreed to no contact again, Sept 16th, he has said he wants me to give him space. He feels I am being fake and that I am only being like this so he wont leave. He said he needs space to get through this on his own. He wont talk to me about it at all. When he gets in a depressed or angry mood, he is nasty to me and wont talk. I try to stay nice and sweet but I feel like a fool. I feel like I am letting him walk all over me. Why should I sit here and feel like I am the bad one and I need to be punished when I did nothing wrong. I was unhappy and my love tank was empty too but I didnt decide to go out and start a relationship with someone else. Plus he is taking his anger out on our 8year old son. He is being so mean to him and wont pay him any attention. That is really hurting him and I cant just keep my mouth shut but when I say something it starts a fight. That was the biggest topic of our arguments before all this happened. I just feel like I am running out of fuel. I have no idea if this is going to work or if I am setting myself up for a bigger heart ache.

L&C, I would take a strong look at Plan B if I were you. How long has his affair been going on?

Have your children been told of his affair? I made some posts here about why you should tell the kids.

I thought you said earlier that he ws close to his father and his father is a pastor.

How long have you done a good Plan A with no LB's or angry outbursts?

Have you taken steps to protect your family financially so that hubby can't cut off the money if you go to Plan B?

He is the closest to his father but since he is a pastor he knows he would tell him to make the marriage work. But I really think his father would just stay out of it. When he was married before he didnt get involved when they were divorcing. That marraige only lasted a year. Its a long story but he left me and our 5month old baby for her and married her within a year but was still stringing me along the whole time. He said he was with her to try to forget about me. Luckily no kids were involved with her. But his family stayed out of his life. So I dont think it would do anything for them to know about what he is doing. I have not told my kids cause I dont want them to look at him as a bad person. My older son is very protective of me and has already gotten in trouble because of trying to defend me to his father when I cry. I dont want more on him. He just thinks we are having problems.
One thing that is really hard about the financial stability if he leaves is that I dont really work. I stopped working full time to take care of our kids when I got pregnant with #2. He didnt want another kids being bounced around the daycare system. He wanted him to be raised by me. I do alittle work from home but there is no way I could even pay for my car alone. He says if he were to leave he would pay everything but I know that woudlnt last and thats not what I want either. That is just a nother way for him to have the upper hand to keep me waiting for him.
He was having the affair for 6 weeks before I put my foot down and called an attorney and called the OW. That was the beginning of Sept. He has not been sexual with OW since (suposedly) but I know that had talked through text and she showed up at his work until last week (Wed) I was thinking of going to plan B but I wasnt sure if I should wait alittle while. I have been doing plan A since end of July with no angry outbursts except when I find out he has had contact with OW. Today we had an argument because he has been nasty and distant and wont talk. He says that is his way of dealing but that is what got our marriage the way it is now to begin with (not communicating and being distant) How should I react to this, how should I get the thoughts out of my head and stay cool while he is depressed and moody and distant.

You need to stick to the plan here. It is counterintuitive. But it is a plan that works. Tell hubby's dad, and tell your children.

Then go to an attorney to protect your family financially. Your husband says he will support you, but that never lasts.

Yes, follow Plan A exactly.


You need to make sure that *you* are making changes in yourself that *you* want to make, because it's the person *you* want to become. With him or without him. Whether he leaves and the next guy gets the benefit of what an awesome wife you've become, or whether he stays and y'all recover, these are changes YOU WANT to make. That's why they are not fake. That's why they are not temporary.

His concerns that this is fake and just so he won't leave, is common and reasonable. If you make sure that you really do want to make these changes, with or without him, that will show.


Plan A is NOT about being a doormat. You need to set some boundaries. You don't have to just sit there and take it when he treats you disrespectfully. You can tell him calmly that you will not accept such treatment, and you are going for a walk... or something.

Plan A is also about taking care of yourself, working on yourself, becoming the woman and wife you want to be. Work on yourself, and let him see the new and improved, confident you. Respect yourself, treat him respectfully, and accept only respectful treatment from him.

The response about being fake and doing it for myself and making changes for me...
That is exactly what I told him when he told me he felt I was being fake. I said, these were things that I didnt like about myself and doing this makes me feel good and be a better person for myself. I missed myself being that way and it really felt good to bring it all back.
My biggest problem with him during our marriage has been his moods and anger. He just cant control it. And that is one thing that has grown so deep under my skin that when he starts being nasty I cant take it and want to just scream. I try to get out and walk but I have the kids and cant just go like that. So I try to ignore him and just go about my business.
In a way I feel like I am his room mate right now and his maid. I do everything in the house and with the kids all on my own even when he is right there. That is one of the reasons I feel like I am getting walked all over. I am not nagging about him cleaning up after himself like I used to or complaining about money or anything. I just go behind him and clean up and keep my mouth shut, but everyday I see more and more that he just leaves for me to clean like his maid. Even today he was sitting down relaxing and saw our 1yr old spill milk and he says to me, spill on Isle 3. I wanted to tell him to get off his lazy butt and get it himself I was busy but I didnt. Like the good wife I am I cleaned it up while holding the screaming baby in my arms.
I am going to try to continue with Plan A for alittle while if nothing else eventually I will run out of energy and be able to stand tall and walk away and not look back. After all the purpose of doing all this is to make it work and if it doesnt then you know YOU did everything you could.
Is it just me or does anyone else have a hard time with the withdraw. I have a terrible time feeling bad for him going through withdraw for some other women. I feel he should be thanking god I am still standing by his side and not putting him in the ER for what he did. Everytime I see him depressed it makes me go crazy and start thinking about the affair and how he actually had feelings for someone else and how I never thought this would ever happen to us. Our marriage wasnt that bad. I can share the blame for the problems we had, but honestly I see most of them on him. I changed because of the way he was towards me. Once all this withdraw is over is he even going to be willing to change what I need him to change for me to be happy. We havent even talked about that yet.

You stated he cheated on your before this, in your short relationship. So, how many times has he cheated on you since you met him?

L&C7
I haven't read your other threads, but much of what you have said here is so similar to my situation. I discovered my H was in the depths 2yr EA/PA with a co-worker. As desperate as he was not to lose his family and marriage, he just could not break away from the OW. They no longer worked together on D-day, but it took him 3 months to finally stop seeing her, and another 4 months of phone/email contact before he finally went full NC. Continuous discovery of broken NC is an absolute nightmare and torture when combined with the desperate promises of the H.

In our situation, H logically knew he would not be happy with the OW if he left us for her. He always knew he did not want to leave his family. His vision of a happy future was with me and the children. But, he was depressed and the OW was his escape from reality and had become an addiction. Spending time with a single woman who flatters you with adoration and attention 100% of the time is pretty heady stuff, compared to home life with a wife dividing time between children, work, household, as well as H's own work, financial and household responsibilities.

At about the 6-7 month mark post D-day, I felt I had given him more than enough time to get his act together. I had again discovered his lies and broken NC and kicked him out. He knew he had used up all his lives and I was ready to move on without him. I showed him an article from this site http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html which I think really got through to him. He knew it was now make or break time. He moved into the spare room, made the final NC call to OW, went through a horrible 8 weeks of withdrawal from her (as the article said he would) and is now on the road to repairing us.

I can't give you much advice on how to arrive at a successful outcome, because we are still in the midst of this ourselves, but the most significant progress has been made when I clearly set my boundaries on broken NC and honesty, my H could see that I was not afraid to go on alone, I showed I would not take it any more, that I respected myself too much and deserved better, H really related to the information in the article and I think it explained to him that he was not in love with the OW, but that she was just an addiction and the withdrawal he felt was normal - it would pass with time.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a nightmare, but you will get through it.

I guess it would help to give alittle background to our relationship before all this happened. I was always afraid he would figure out this was me writing if he ever checked this site out on his own since I told him about it. But oh well.
I got pregnant very early in our dating relationship with our first son. I was young (19) and didnt like his anti-relationship and anti-marriage attitude so I broke up with him right before I found out I was pregnant. We stayed apart til I was 7mos preg. Then he left me when our son was 5mos old. He had the same actions, very distant and moody. He said it was too much like marriage and it freaked him out, so he left. But I found out he really had just met someone else. He moved in with her in a couple weeks and we tried to stay friends for our son. He got engaged w/in 6mos and was telling me he loved me and didnt want to marry her but was trapped. He felt bad leaving her. So he married her a few months later. He told me the whole time it was just to get me out of his mind and it wasnt what he wanted. So needless to say we were having an A during that marriage. I know it was wrong but it didnt feel like it cause we had a child and we were together when she came into the picture. But either way it was wrong. After about a year of marriage she found out and left him. They really didnt get along either. Neither one was happy. I believed him that we would finally be a FAMILY again but I was wrong. He made me think that but was with many others playing the single role again. After a year of that I got fed up of always being good enough to sleep with and spend the night 4 nights a week but not good enough to get the other nights. So I said I was done and moved on to someone else. He couldnt stand me being with someone else so he begged me to come back and move in and sell my house. He now wanted to be together. About 1 month later I found nude photos of him in sexual behavior with someone else on my camera. Then afew months later he was going out with his buddies and taking condoms with him. So I got fed up again and said I was leaving and he said he was ready to settle down and wanted to get married. We started going to church together and things were great. We got married about a year later and shortly after I find that he is talking to someone for about 6 hours a day while working. I call and its a women, he says its just an old friend but I dont know, her text said he broke her heart. But she denied the text. She lived in another state so I knew she really wasnt anything to worry about but told him if I saw the number again I was filing for divorce. About a year later, I find an email to an old friend (one of those "how well do you know me" chain letters) every reply to the question was sexual and about him being with her. I went off and he told me I was not showing him the interest and he needed to feel like he was sexy and that someone wanted him. I know she never even responded to his email(she had just gotten married) We went to marriage counceling (only 2 sessions) but things got better. We hadnt had any problems like this since and that was 2 years ago, until now.
So there was alot of cheating before the marriage, he always justified it by he wasnt ready for a relationship and I gave him an ultimatum so that was what happened (refering to us moving in together and becoming a couple not the marriage part). Or he would justify that we werent actually back together yet, I was just sleeping at his house with our son and having sex, but we werent officially a couple yet....lol
Since the marriage this has been the only actual affair, that I know of. I have never truely trusted him 100%, just got by with the trust I did feel and always checked everything, snooping all the time cause I never knew when he would do something wrong. But he never knew I snooped. He thought I would never do that. (little did he know that how he got busted.) I had actually stopped snooping for a while once we started trying for the second child cause I finally felt alittle secure, but when he left me and said he wasnt in love with me anymore, I knew there was more to it than that.So I started snooping around and found out on my own.

Thank you NewTwo, I give you credit for lasting that long. I really dont think I can do it for that long. I am pretty much at my breaking point right now. If things dont start to change I am done. I will get a job, put the kids in daycare (that will kill me the most) and put the house up for sale and file for separation. I am just getting to the point of resentment and anger and I dont want to be that kind of person so he needs to show some improvement fast. I know it may seem soon for me to feel that way. But I look at all of our past and I have put up with enough.
My WH also has said that he doesnt see her as a long term permanent thing. She is moody and not stable and lives at home with her parents and has a child of her own that her parents take care of all the time for her to play around. He is just attached to her and cant stop talking to her. But in the same breath he will say she is the exact type he would look for if he were single. At that point she hadnt shown her psycho side yet. I did send him that article and it helped him stop contact and know what he was feeling was normal. He also said his situation is different and he doesnt know how to get through the withdraw. It all seems too hard.
Thank you for your advice and I wish you the best of luck as well. I will try to stay strong alittle longer. But its getting harder and harder to cry, I just get angry.

It sounds like both you and your husband's lives are totally out of control, he never wanted to marry you and you both were not ready for marriage. I do not understand why you had the two kids and did not protect yourselves from pregnancy.

If you want a more stable relationship, find a good counselor and get loads of counseling, that is, if your husband still wants to be married. (I know you do)

Find out if he still wants to remain married and get the counseling. There are many things out of control in your lives and you need support to get them straighened out. If he still wants other women, then he is and never was ready for marriage.

Its crazy cause I look back at it all and it is out of control. When things are going well which they were for a long time, they dont seem so crazy but you put it all down and it is kindof crazy. Its hard to put 9 years of your life in alittle paragraph like that but all of that happened over the course of 9 years. We didnt get married right away after he said he wanted to get married. We got engaged and then went to pre marrital counseling for a while then it was about a year before we actually got married. Nothing bad happened during that time. We were happily married for a while and even after the first bump we got back on track and he always had said he would never divorce me and that he would re marry me in a heart beat. He had changed alot since I met him for the better. I know in his line of work there are many chances to cheat, the women that he comes in contact with are very forward and love to go after them and could care less if they are married. He says he has had many opportunities but never acted on them, but this time he wasnt looking for it and it just happened. They started talking for business, then about their personal lives then things got intimate and they got attached. He says he is still trying to figure out how it all happened. Like I said things were really good for the past 2 years as far as me feeling like he was sneaking around and having to snoop. We had our neglect problems but from what I hear that happens when you have kids.
Oh and the first child was not planned obviously, but the second one was planned, we actually had to go through invitro to have him. We were planning on a nother cycle to have another one this summer and thats when all the problems started. So we didnt. So it wasnt that we were not protecting ourselves and accidentally got pregnant we planned for our second because we had a great marriage going at the time. It wasnt until after he came that we slowly started having problems and then when he was 1yr was when the affair started. I tried to do the counseling but he wont go for it. He says he is not talking to a stranger about his problems.

Oh yeah I think I forgot to answer this, when I ask him if he wants to be married he says yes, he has always said he was sorry he put me through so much in the past and that he is so happy that we are finally together and happy. He says he doesnt look at his life like he was married before since he didnt want it, I knew the day we got married that he wanted to get married.He says that he doesnt want to lose me but he needs to get through all of this on his own. I cant help him through this accept for to believe in him and us and to be there to support him. Which is what I am trying to do, he just makes it hard with his distance. I feel like I am giving up everything I have been missing in the marriage and what little bit of love and affection I was getting for him to get over someone else. I feel like I am foolish for doing that willingly. I feel like he should be showering me with all the love and affection. I guess I am just asking for too much.

Ok, here is the latest. OW has been contacting just about everyday sending little text to WH. He thankfully doesnt respond. Well today she calls and leaves voicemail to please call her she needs to talk to him, and he falls for it. She starts going off about what he is doing with his family going on vacation and not telling her and leading her on and lieing to her. He basically told her even if things didnt work out with me he would never go running to her. It would never last with her cause the way she is. I guess thats a good thing he finally has his eyes opened to the real her. But the problem is that he says he wants to be a family more than anything but is thinking the worst already,he doesnt think we could ever get past the affair. We would both always be thinking about it or have it in the back of our minds. How in the world am I supposed to respond to that? I just told him that its going to take work on both of us but it can happen if we both really want to make it happen and he was like ok what ever. I told him I was blocking her number from the phone and that he needed to cancel his private email account. He said he would just let it cancel on its own for no use. I told him to give me the password and I would cancel it so that way he wouldnt be tempted to go in and read the emails during the time waiting for it to cancel. He got really mad and said he was done talking and got off the phone. Then texted me that he hates all of this and the person he has become. He said it pissed him off about the email account cause it was like I didnt trust him to did on his own, he is not stupid. I just told him that the trust is gone, and will rebuild over time but right now I saw the hesitation and I figured if I did it, I would know it was really done and I would feel secure about it. Did I handle that right? He hasnt talked to me since....