Hello everyone please be patient with me as I am new here. Just to give a little background i have been married for 12 years and have 4 children ages 8, 6, 5, 3. My husband and I were having a rough time a few years ago and we were living apart. OW husband shows up on my doorstep and tells me that his wife and my husband are having an affair. He tells me where to find her so I immediately talk to my husband and her and they both say that all they did was talk. I see no other signs but am still not comfortable so it just keeps coming up in arguments occasionally. My husband works in the arctic circle so he is away a lot. I come home one night a few years later and get mail from office of child support enforcement. I think it is a mistake until I see OW's name and realize that it is true. The child was born 11-22-06. He did a paternity test and settled out of court with her for child support in March 08. She was married to one man, having another mans child, dating a different man who happens to be a county deputy sheriff all during her pregnancy. My husband has said all along that it was a very non emotional thing. He says they were physical 3 X's and he ended it and moved back home. I believe that because she got involved with someone else immediately. She said she couldn't get pregnant after having ovaries removed due to ovarian cancer then later said she was on depo shot. He says he didn't tell me because he saw no other option but for me to divorce him and he would lose everything. Even she says that he was afraid of losing his family and would not tell us for that reason. My husband fell behind on his child support and she went wacko. She started calling my church which is also my employer and telling them things like "I need you to pay my electric bill because one of your members got me pregnant and isn't paying child support." Four people at church new about OC before me. After all this we hired an attorney to file for visitation and then things got out of control. I was being stalked by the sheriffs dept. I had a deputy sitting in front of my home multiple times a day. Following me to pre-K etc... My pastor and I went to the sheriffs dept and they addressed the problem quickly and swiftly. I never see an officer anywhere now! After she was served with papers they immediately called wanting to drop the child support if we would let her boyfriend adopt in a couple of years when they get married. Keep in mind they have been dating since she was 2 months pregnant. Our lawyer advised against since there is already a court order and she can always go back to it & hold us responsible for back support. I have been told the courts will not suspend a child support order because they consider it the right of the child not the parents. No contact is not really an option since we live in a small town and she has told so many people and we have tons of family here. I am not worried that my husband will go back to her because there is an absolute hatred there. She has pretty much blackmailed my husband constantly harrassing him for money. Calling all the time. Threatening warrants etc... via the deputy boyfriend. I can see the GREAT efforts my husband has made in our marriage since his affair. The only lies are tied to hiding his A and OC whom he has NEVER seen. The question is how do I go on? How to deal with OW, OC? Can my marriage survive? BTW we were in MC when he had the affair! I get pretty emotional while my husband is gone now and that has not been an issue for me in the past. If I go a day without talking to him I come unglued. He works 3000+ miles away and phone service is unreliable. I need to pull it all together for my children's sake but how do you go on? All the attorney and court stuff just keeps bringing it up all over again. Then there is some resentment towards my husband that he was willing to inflict this on his family all for his pleasure. Waiting anxiously to hear your replies. Hurtingmomof4

Hi hurtingmomof4, and welcome to MB.

Weekends tend to be more slow. Also, this board doesn't get as much traffic as the General Questions II board. I know this board seems the more appropriate for your situation, but you may want to copy and paste your post over on GQII too.

It sure sounds like you're in a difficult situation. If you can afford it, you may want to call the counseling center here and set up an appointment. They do counseling by phone. They may be able to help better than us amateurs.

I don't know what to advise. I know what the hardline-MB ideas say: that No Contact (NC) is a must, even if you have to move; that 15 hours of Undivided Attention (UA) a week is a must, even if you have to change jobs. I hear you when you say that's impossible. I also was in a situation that meant we couldn't do the 15 hours/week. My M survived, but just barely, until we were able to find jobs such that we can be together. There will be some who say you can't do anything until you address the NC and UA issues. I gotta tell you, it's really hard. That's why you may want to just call the pros.

Thank you for responding. I did post on the other board like you suggested. My husband and I are not communicating very well right now. I found out about the A 5 days before he was due home. He was home for 12 days which went ok with only 1 major blow up. Now he has been gone for 4 weeks and feels like we have talked about it enough. I want details and he says he doesn't remember much about that period of time other than it happened! The facts clearly show that! His idea is that it is over and has been over for almost 3 years. He met this woman at work and changed jobs within weeks of ending the affair. They have not seen each other since. She contacted him after OC was born but he has never pursued a realtionship with this child. Said he did not want to lose our relationship and COM. He has never contacted the OW. She says the same. She just calls wanting money. The OW thinks she needs to be open with the child and tell her who her bio dad is etc... Kids are in same schools etc... She has told about 20 people so not acknowledging the child is not an option. Husband says contact just makes it harder for me. He says he can deal with it but it will be a constant reminder for me. I have a hard time not dredging up the past. I have never had a relationship with my bio dad and still desire that so I have a hard time not recognizing the child. My husband is due home in 2 weeks and then will be home until Feb. I'm really looking forward to him coming home. We need to spend a lot of time together. I want my marriage to work but how do I get over this? How do I deal with the future? Still looking for answers.

Hi Hurt:

Just a thought to throw out there. Why doesn't this man go ahead and adopt the oc even though they are not married. I mean if they are planning on it and all there is NO reason for him not to go ahead and adopt this child.

You and your husband still need to address this and mend it but that would be one less thing to deal with. If at an older age the child wants to meet her bio dad then that can be arranged. But this would also give you guys the time you need to heal your marriage.

If your husband has no desire to meet this child then really don't you think it would do more harm than good anyway for visation to take place? And as far as this man she is suppose to marry why is she calling your place of work to get money?

This stinks all the way around and yeap until the oc is adopted your husband is responsible for child support but that is still no excuse for her to call YOUR work to get it. There are other ways to handle this.

I am truely sorry that you are going through this. Why did he fall behind? Because you did not know? He was not paying through the state?

Hopefully some other memebers will pop in and she your post and give you some better comfort.

Thanks for responding. Our attorney says that he can not adopt in our state unless they are married. My husband fell behind on his payments because he went to work for a new company and had to do direct deposit. He could no longer pay her without me knowing what was going on. I pay all bills etc... I was already questioning where the money was going etc... My pastor said that she called our church under the pretense of needing financial help being a single mom etc... but really just wanted to tell her story. She did this twice. We are very involved in our church and she was just looking to hurt us. Like I said before they want H to sign off his rights and let them adopt later! Yeah right more like collect 18 years of support after the rights are signed off. Our attorney told her that if she continued to call my place of employment and follow me etc.. we will file charges. The OW boyfriend was unaware that she had filed for support and was contacting my H. He says they don't need OUR money but she seems to want it. This man has been around since OW was 2 months preg. Now that I know about the support she gets it weekly and I am close to having all the arrears paid up. Hubby had not reported his workplace did not want OW to know where he worked. He was afraid she would call there too. The most she knows is what state he works in. My husband does feel responsible and thinks she is crazy but does not want this child to cause trouble in our marriage. He is not sure if I can handle it. Has anyone out there had positive situations with OC? Until we filed for visitation the OW & I were completely civil. We put a block on husbands phone so she can no longer call and harass him so I guess I am the next target.

Thanks for explaining that hurt. It makes sense. I should tell you that I am a fow w/oc before I go any further.

It sounds like this girl is still mad at your husband. That however is not your problem. You did what you needed to do to get him caught up on his child support and she should be leaving you alone. She should NOT be calling your employer or you at all. You have an attorney and that is who she should be calling if there are any problems. No one else.

The boyfriend needs to keep this person in check with her actions. I also would not count on him adopting the oc with the way she is acting as it seems that she wants to collect from your husband. Maybe it's her way of thinkging that she is "making him pay for leaving her" or at least thinking of the oc and her every month. kwim? I mean if I fell in love with someone and wanted to marry and thought he was good enough to marry then I would think he would be good enough to adopt my child that is fatherless.

When you said that she was civil until you filed for visation that speaks volumns. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

I would think very hard and all the pros and cons through before you go through with something like that. Plus it has to be a decission that both you and your husband agree on 100%. I totally get what your saying about how you felt. I get that and comend you on that, but I have seen that when one partner goes along with something like this and really is not up for it, it can cause more harm in the marriage than good. And vise versa. It also has to be for the right reasons. Not to just make her mad or get even for the crap she is pulling. It has to be because you guys really want this child in your life. But the ow seems like a loose cannon by what you've said. I would have some major boundries set up if you guys do have contact with the oc with this ow and her attitude and tatics.

For the time being though if she tries to contact you or anyone associated with you again I would not bother threatening her, I would have the attorney just file the restraining order. Make sure you document everything! Get everything letters from your boss/pastor everyone she has tried to contact and harass.

Maybe her boyfriend will get more control of her if he sees your husband means business. Good luck to you guys and don't let her control your lives.

Thank you so much for explaining. I totally agree about her being mad. My husband was the one that ended things. It was not a long ordeal 1.5 weeks they were physical 3X's according to both. She wanted relationship he wanted his family back. She would call to let him know about baby stuff thinking he should be involved in the child's life and he never took her up on her offers even when OC was born. I think the sense of rejection for her and her child drives her nuts. She was fine as long as she could hold child support over his head. The boyfriend was not aware of a lot she has done. The boyfriend went to our pastor. He thought that would be the right way to approach my husband and I. Pastor says that the OW has put that relationship in jeopardy by the things she has pulled. Using his job in law enforcement to make threats etc... My H and I both come from large families and this is a small town. It's just a time bomb waiting for someone to find out before we announce it. We are waiting for H to get home and do it personally rather than over the phone. He will be home in 13 days. We are documenting everything. I keep a journal and write down what she does witnesses etc... Marysway does your child have contact w/ bio dad?

hurtingmomof4, welcome to MB. Please be sure to familiarize yourself with the concepts of MB as well as the forums. I agree with Mary that OW has no biz contacting you. I also agree that unless your H wants visitation that you should not push. Go up to the top of the page and read the concepts, especially about the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA).

Sorry the board is so quiet on the weekends. Most of us have children and family obligations.

Hurt NO we have NC. To be honest at first of course it hurt for my daughter but I'm perfectly fine with it. I'm use to it. Every now and then it bothers me but it's for the best. I am a believer in Contact so I know I just made myself hypicritical with the above statement. Sometimes it's just better to be NC.

Every stitch maybe simular but different.

Good keep records. See when you explained about the boyfriend I was thinking uh oh that relationship maynot last after he sees the actions of her right now with this. And kudos for him going to your pastor. I'm sure his intentions are good and all don't get me wrong, but I know if I was dating someone and I saw a crazy vendictive side, I'd think twice.

1 1/2 weeks is not a long relationship for anything. Can you imagine if it was any lenght of time? I'm sorry you are going through this at all.

I really feel OW is mad because the child has been rejected up until now. I have actually spent a few hours talking to ow before she knew we were filing for visitation, change babies last name & birth certificate. Like I said we have always been civil. She did not mind my children and I being involved with OC she just did not want H around. She thought he hadn't been around yet so he didn't deserve to be allowed now. I explained that that decision had more to do with how my H THOUGHT I would deal with the situation. I cannot see NC working in our situation. OW & H hate each other now. That helps me;) Helps keep the mind from wandering. I cannot imagine the suffering of those that have spouses that had long term A's. I have a hard enough time just knowing it was purely physical. They really didn't know each other at all. The impression that I have always gotten was that she really LIKED my H. I think the rejection is where her anger is coming from. Her husband said she had a history of A's. If we do visitation etc... I want to do it for the right reason. I don't want to feel or treat her differently than our 4 com. Please tell me about your experiences with contact. Marysway I gather the relationship that you had was lengthy? I can only begin to imagine how much harder that situation would be.

Hi, and welcome to the board. Sorry that you have to find yourself here. I myself just found out about H OC a little over a month ago. I know the pain you are going through.

Nobody else has said this, and I'm not saying this is the case. Is it possible that this was more than a 3 time physical thing?

Maybe OW and H decided to stick with that story for your sake.

I'm just wondering because if it was only a few times over a 2 week period, why would she have such strong feelings about the whole situation? If your H doesn't want anything to do with OC, go ahead and let the boyfriend adopt the baby. You don't need your 4 little ones to be involved in a mess like this. You and they should come first, which sounds like you are.

From what I've read, you haven't said how you feel about H cheating, even if it was a brief fling. Are you OK with it? I'm not trying to be sarcastic.

I agree with everyone else-get a restraining order if this behavior from her continues, especially if your H is away so much.

Be safe and good luck.

Hurt

Hurt it was about 14 months. To long to be stupid.

Wow you guys have changed the birth Cert and all? You've taken care of alot since you've found out.

Ya know this ow needs to understand that she chose to have an affair with your husband so therefore she helped create the stitch she is in with sharing her baby with you your husband and family. There are no choices in the matter. I'm glad you were smart enough to get an attorney NOW versus trying to tackle it on your own and pulling your hair out and maybe creating a bigger stress issues than if not getting an attorney. It's just easier around and with what I can tell money well spent.

When your husband gets home you really need to sit down with him and find out about contact and maybe even see a MC regarding it. It is unusual that it's the Bs pushing the contact versus the ws just because of the dyanamitics that go with affairs. I comend you on your feelings. Again though as great as they are you really need to sit down with a pro and con list and maybe even a few MC sessions by a expereienced Professional or your minister. It's a huge decision and if you start something that you possibly maynot be able to go through with it could create more damage all the way around. I'm not trying to say you should not have contact because I truely believe that if the adults can be adults and make it work for all the children (including the com) that is best, it just is not always possible. Feel free to ask me anything, I'll be more than happy to answer as best as I can.

hey all!! My name is Angela I'm 27, I have a 6yo & a 10week old. I've been married to my husband for 3 months and we met in October 2007. Everything moved very fast and now everything is blowing up in my face!! I went into this relationship knowing that he had 2 daughters with 2 different women. 2 weeks ago something tells me to check his email and by doing so I find out that there is alleged daughter born in April this year. That same day I find out that he has been "living" with the 2yo and her mother this whole time. We just moved in together when we got married so he was seeing us both. I would say she was clueless to the situation but, she claims that my husband has been her boyfriend for 10 YEARS, yet he has a 5yo with another, I have his son, and this other woman with the newborn. She knew about all of it but, she says she loves him and puts up with his B.S. Because SHE LOVES HIM!!! She doesn't even care that she was the girlfriend for 10years and he proposed marriage to me after only a few weeks of dating... But back to the secret child, I met her in person 2 weeks ago, we talked, she held my baby, I held hers, I let her know that he and his whole family deny her baby, which was news to her because my husband came by frequently to drop off diapers and play with the baby. The day I met her he had promised to bring her $1000!! But it's not his baby?!?! Yeah right. I just can't understand why he would marry me when he had all this going on, and what the the hell am I supposed to do with a baby and no job??? I even let my 6 yo live with his father. while I figured this whole dilema out... I should have snooped thru his email months ago...

Hurt I'm sorry to hear about you H's oc. I know it just complicates already hard circumstances. I have had a hard time dealing with H's affair. The reason he did not tell was that I had always made it plain that IF that ever happened he could walk out the door and not look back cause I would NOT deal with it. I am now eating those words because obviously that is not what I chose to do. I love my husband but at the time this happened we had not been living together for about 4 months. We had a newborn and that was a trigger for him. He seemed to think I got pregnant with #4 on purpose just so I could have a girl??? We had 3 boys already. We had been fighting about birth control issues and tubal vs. vasectomy. He chickened out with 3 missed appts. The hard part for me was that I went against personal beliefs and had the tubal to make things better in my marriage then found out that he had another child with this OW! It was really hard to know that we made this decision together and then he went out and did this! I have had my share of ranting and ravings but it has helped to know that it did happen almost 3 years ago, OW & OC did not mean enough to continue that relationship and he is the H I knew before we separated. The time frame and circumstances for the A only gave them at the most 1 month. By month 2 of the pregnancy she was living with someone else. I did not find out about the PA and the OC till later but I made it very clear to her boss(I know personally) & anyone pertinent that this woman was after my husband and I would not put up with it. I talked to her husband and verified where she was when etc... The OW H and I kept in touch for awhile. When H moved back home he decided to make it work and he has. Sadly to say I should have been making more of an effort than I had. I had reached the point where I was like let him be the one to work on things for awhile. I have done my part. I do have trouble with mental images often. It doesn't help that she is 10 years younger and quite a bit lighter? The odd thing is we really favor. She looks like I did when H & I first met. When I have a hard time I try to tell myself that he could have stayed with that young hot body BUT he chose to come back to Me and our family even to the extent of hiding OC thinking it would destroy his family. Our pastor has counseled us to definitely have contact and to pursue custody. As soon as hubby gets back we will be back in MC. We have not had the name & birth certificate changed yet we are waiting on our court date. But it is pretty standard here for that not to be a problem. She has slacked off on following me etc... We have a PI watching her documenting overnight guest etc...I feel the need to talk about it more than H. He feels like I know everything. I will not let up until I know the most intimate of details. <I wonder where those mental images come from?> Then I wonder if I really want or need to know those things? Anyone else feel like that? H says that if situation was reversed he would NOT want details. In our state the boyfriend cannot adopt unless they get married and that may be a very unlikely situation. Hurtmomof2 how have you dealt with your situation?

Mrs minor I feel for you. The day that I went to talk to OW about OC we were at a park talking and a man walked up. She had her toddler on her hip and I had mine. This man says "are they twins?" I say "no" He says are they sisters? I do not reply & have a weird look on my face, but OW says yes. He just acted confused and walked off. I wish I knew what to tell you in your situation. It helped my heart in my case that OC just climbed up into my lap while I was sitting on a bench and hugged me completely unprompted then just sat in my lap. Her mom had walked away to check on a child. At that point I thought this might not be so bad. I can really love her.

We have been going to marriage counseling. I knew about the affair, but I thought it was over. I have no problems with "mental Images" I'm not sure if you have read my posts, but she is bisexual or gay, I'm not sure which one.

I have seen a picture of her. Yuck! And my mother agreed. I'm not just saying this because she is OW. She wears no make-up. I am 100 times prettier than her! I'm very feminime. I am thinner than her, wear much nicer clothes, wear make-up, have my hair and bails done. She's got nothing on me!

My emotions are quite up and down right now. Sometimes I am upset about it, other times I couldn't care less. Right now, at this moment, I couldn't care less.

I was at a party Sat. night with H. THere was a very good looking guy there who was totalling coming on to me. I was very drunk (I hardly ever drink) I didn't do a thing, but it felt good to know that I was still attractive to someone. This guy actually got into his friend's phone, and found our home number.
He called me this morning for a date. I declined of course, but a part of me wanted to go to get even with H. He gave me his number in case I ever change my mind. I was flattered, but I don't need complications like that right now.

Right now I am trying to stay as even keeled as I can. I have 4 kids also, and I need to keep them in a stable environment.

I'm sure you are doing the same.

So why doesn't she just get married to the boyfriend? Whay are they waiting for?

Hurt I am up & down also. I'll think things are ok then something will set me off. I agree it is flattering to know that we are still attractive to someone else. I have had the same get even thoughts but I will not follow through because that's just not me.

They aren't getting married yet because they are saving money to build a house & buy a truck??? They have separate places but he stays with her & the kids a lot. I guess maintaining 2 households is cheaper than getting married and having one house payment? Go figure. I think he is leary about committing to her.

I to am trying to remain stable for my childrens sake. They dont understand why I just cry sometimes. Thats just not like me. We are just focusing on dad coming home in 13 days. It was really hard finding out & then only having 12 days with him before he had to leave again. We have finally agreed not to talk about this over the phone anymore but to wait till we can talk face to face again. I'm glad that you don't have problems with mental movies because that is a hard one for me.

I had read your post just didn't put 2 & 2 together.

I have a ??? what is sf?

What is sf? I don't know. I didn't write that.

SF = sexual fulfillment