Ok,

brief re-cap, D-Day#2 discovered 9/12, Reveals to the OW's H on 9/17. She has not been to work last Thursday nor Friday..

Here we are Monday, had the 'good morning' discussing with WH. But of course, curiousity is getting the best of me SO, I call my WH on his cell, goes into voicemail...

hmmmmm, I know it could be a myriad of things BUT, the first that comes to mind is that she has probably returned to work today. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, they needed to see one another, talk to make sure each is 'ok'

OR, this could simply be what's playing in my mind. Having the OW continue to work at the same place is not acceptable but I'm just trying to see if she leaves, if not, my WH will have no choice but to to find another job..

Is that wrong of me to make such boundaries (or are those demands?!?)

Do others have to deal with this?
UGH, I so hate this!

Well.... It's confirmed... OW is at work but WH only knows that b/c he sees her car in the LOT. WHATEVER...

Of course he calls back over 1.5 hrs later when I finally send an e-mail to the effect that is apparent she is there..

He claims he has avoided that side of the building... How long can one avoid THAT??

Wrote back that I know my WH too well, that he needs to make sure she is OK, that he's sorry for hurting her...

He doesn't give a flying rats butt on what is has done to me, my D16, D13 and D3 does he?

Told him that I had made it clear that one of them has to leave.. that it would be a shame if there becomes a phone call to the HR department on this (they'd both be fired!)

Ugh... how can one has such little respect for someone that has been nothing more than his best friend, always helps him, provides for the kids, the home and is the bread winner to boot?

This is CORRECT and ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY in order for the affair to end.


We know how HORRIBLE this is for you.

You are at the RIGHT PLACE here at MBers.

Have you read SURVIVING AN AFFAIR by Dr. Harley?

It's essential to get yourself a copy.

He's still a WAYWARD..still in the FOG...still in contact with her..the affair will likely continue...SO SORRY to have to say this to you...

The first step is to do PLAN A..as spelled out in SURVIVING AN AFFAIR and in the BASIC CONCEPTS scetion of the website here...

Your marriage can be RECOVERED by following these PLANS...


This is the NATURE of WAYWARDS involved in an affair..your WH is NO DIFFERENT than any of ours were...same was true with my husband..we've been happily recovered for 5 years or so...

BTDT, working together, even if it's not together, just doesn't work. Not only are you right to want them not working together, but you'd have to be nuts not to feel the way you do.

Listen to Mimi. Since the A is still ongoing for as long as there is ANY contact, start wih plan A and prepare for plan B.

Take time for yourself, since I saw he isn't meeting any of your needs right now. (No surprise. Actually, I'd be surprised if he DID meet any of your needs.)

And when you get low, hold to God, come here for encouragement, and also read some of the success stories here. They will give you lots of hope.

Fogg:

I went (and still go) through the same thing. I know WW left the house at a certain time, got home and a certain time and I start the math. She said she went here, how long is the drive, could she have met OM, etc, etc. You will find that as your trust rebuilds, you do this less. My WW has no business being near OM's house or work. You are in a different situation with them being co-workers.

My opinion: Tell him to quit or go to HR. If they get fired, so be it. You need to keep them apart. This is easy for me to say because I am not the one losing my income but I think the vets here will agree. There are other jobs out there but this is your marriage we're talking about saving.

I wouldn't even want OW and my FWH in the same state together much less in the same office together on a daily basis. If your H is serious about saving your M, it will be any easy decision.

Thank you all, so very much! My rollercoaster ride continues...

I had e-mailed WH an excerpt of another thread about co-workers and EA/PA, letting him understand it is not only HOW I FEEL about it, that's just the WAY IT IS..

His apologies, while appreciated, cannot even compare to his actions, especially given all the lies for the past however many months.

I get home and see he has e-mailed me some job leads.. Ok, we're making a minuscule (sp?) amount of progress, I'll take it!

He also calls me from his office phone before he leaves (cause I also do the math on how long it takes for him to get home) and he gets home..

Did I mention the OW also lives in my town?

I think what kills me the most is that I revealed the A to the OW's H and he was supposed to call me to see the evidence I have. I have not heard from him... I know when I did talk to him, after my apologies for having to inform him, My first words to him was that as long as they continue to work together, they will continue an A, if not right now, when the dust settles.

I guess he was a little more naive than I thought.

Oh well, let's see what this day brings me!

I'm very thankful for all you wonderful people!
Fogg

Fogg:

Trying to explain to him how you feel is not going to work. You are dealing with someone who had had their logical thinking shut off. It is like trying to teach algebra to a dog. Constantly telling him how you feel and sending him things like threads will not get through. It will push him away. I tried this with my WW.

You need to stick with PLAN A and exposing. Call the OW's husband again. You have no idea why he did not call. Maybe the OW fed him a line of garbage that you're nuts and he bought into it. Don't let up. You are in the fight of your life.

Also, him e-mailing you job leads means nothing. I can go get a listing of jobs and do the same in under three minutes.

Step up to the plate and go to bat for your marriage! Call the OW's husband again. Give you WH XX days to find a job, then go to HR. Don't tell him how many days...set a number in your head and do it.

Fogg,
Sadly, I sit in the same position as you. My H had an EA with a tart from work and they still work at the same company. Fortunately, he was moved to another building, but the paycheck still comes from the same. He, too, is currently looking for a new job, but at his level of employment it is proving to be very difficult. I hear that the vets continue to say 'just walk away...put your marriage first...money isn't more important...' but these things are not a reality in our home. So, because of this I am 'forced' into playing the waiting game while he searches for new employment. Last weekend we chatted a bit about the job prospects. He has guaranteed me he'll be out of there by the end of October, a date he set, not me. The tart will be moved into his building the last weekend of October. She will not be on the same floor, but will share a potential set of elevators. I have realized that you DO have the right to set down limits and I have. He knows that if he's still there when the move occurs, he MUST see to it that SHE is fired. Or, relocated. He does have this power (in my mind) and I will insist that it happen. Probably, I'm stepping over the line...but I did not add a third party to our marriage so I think I'm ok here

For insight...H's EA was from Feb of 2007- October 2007. He was supposed to end all contact but she persisted and even stalked our family til Feb 2008. To my knowledge, there has been ZERO contact since Feb. Both H and I know that statistics are not on our side. The longer he is there, the more likely they will rekindle a bond. My eyes are wide open, as yours need to be too. Your H is posessed right now. Nothing you say will seem right to him so you must make things right for you. Read, read, read...get informed and use your new knowledge to save your marriage.

((Fogg))Sorry to read of your sitch. I can sympathize and relate with what you must be going through...I was kind of in the same spot when I got here last Oct.

You have already been getting great advice. I happened to recently go through my original thread recently, and I was still amazed at the wonderful advice and responses I got so maybe you could benefit from reading it. It's not too long...but probably the first two pages would be most useful to you.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=146544&Number=1958883#Post1958883

I agree with what Mimi and Neak told you...focus on doing a great Plan A with preparations in mind to move to Plan B if he does not do what is necessary for recovery soon (ie, NC!).

Here's a great thread with more details on the Carrot and the Stick by Pepperband.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788#Post1640788

Hang in there. Keep posting.

Well here we are, another day.. Got that heavy feeling in my chest. I question every moment that passes whether or not contact has been made. Just finished reading the 'fear' post.

I have a lot of fears. Right now the dust is still flying and not even close to settling so again just working on MY boundaries, MY time frame, MY limits and still trying to continue the A.

I can honestly say, I realize what those with bi-polar must go through as I'm currently living that. One moment I'm full of hatred, wanting to just file the big D, and the next moment one of my WH actions will give me 'hope' that I should not give up.

tired of having this 'rot gut' feeling though..

Only been a little over a week, I guess I can't expect these feelings of pain, heaviness in the chest to go away anytime soon.

Don't worry about whether there is contact. Just assume that there is. The heavy feeling will still be there, but not as badly as if you're trying to "figure it out". The A is not dead, but you can deal with that because you have a plan to follow.

Plan A your husband. Be his most attractive option. Unless you find some evidence that needs a (calm, loving) confrontation, don't try to deal with A stuff with him.

If he brings up the subject, definitely encourage any plans he shares that involve separating from her, and even express how much it hurts you to have them still close together. But do not expect your hurt to be a magic wand. Deep down, he doesn't care right now. If he did, he would have already left, consequences be hanged.

There was a huge difference between how my H acted during our first, false recovery, even when there was NC. He reluctantly did the minimum of what I insisted on as a boundary, complaining that he felt like he was in prison and I was his parole officer. He didn't want to lose me, and the security he had with me, but he wasn't ready to keep just me, either.

The second time around was 180 different. He couldn't wait to get rid of her, and gladly did everything I asked (even though the bar had been raised substantially).

Not every WS will start into true recovery with such enthusiasm, but even so you will see by his actions when he is serious about mending the marriage. He is not serious right now. He has restored a status quo he can live with. Just enough to you to keep you off his back, but not having to ~quite~ give her up, either. He may even intend to keep NC, but he won't.

The beauty of the plans is that his lack of willingness to recover right now doesn't (shouldn't) affect your hope or your actions. Plan A, and if he is not showing the actions of a FWS, Plan B. You have a vey good chance of this one-two combo working well for you.

If it was me, and if I was physically able to keep it going, I would Plan A until the fateful October weekend. If he showed up to work even one day after she moved, that would be the start of my Plan B. He would come home to find his stuff packed on the front porch.

If I was not physically able to make it so long, I would sweetly tell him something like, "It is hurting me too much to have you working there with her, and my health is suffering. I ask that one or the other of you be out of there within two (or however many) weeks." Simply request. Do not demand, or try to tell him what he has to do. (Not sure if you should inform him of the consequence, or just wait and let him find out.) But then if he doesn't do it, go into Plan B at that point.

He's cake-eating, which works great for you if you have the strength to pull the plug on his party when it's time. And if he doesn't step up to the plate asap, it will be time very soon.

\I have alot of what you are going through, except my WW and her coworker live in different cities, her work place is a secured environment because of the sensitivity of the information. She and him have had several IM discussions, email inuindos, and yes even physical contact...... how do you get to the "truth" of whether or not they had intercourse?

It's been about a month and I believe I only have a glimpse of the depths of the A. Can someone give me some advice ?

I agree with Neak!!

Definitely FOCUS on doing PLAN A!!

Read up on PLAN A on this website and/or in Surviving an Affair!!

WE will HELP you with its implementation.

Chase,
You need to tell your story and then others will respond. Start a new thread in General Questions II and you'll get a quick and efficient grouping of advise.

It's funny that you say that as the song "X Amount of Words" I posted on the music thread is about being bipolar and I have always thought "Plan A Song" when I hear it...

Ditto on the Plan A.
In case you don't read my thread link I had given to you, one of the Plan A tips I had gotten was to have a Plan A list to look at several times a day and especially after each interaction with your WH. Having a Plan is what will get you through this mess, OK?

In the meantime, try to take care of yourself even though I know it is probably hard. Try to eat good, get outside and get some sunshine and lean on your support system and this board.

Hang in there.

okay

Thank you my new found friends. Your friendship and wealth of knowledge is both helpful and inspiring.

I did read the Plan A/Plan B when I stumbled upon this site.

I just re-read and actually printed it out as a referral.

WH is taking me out to dinner tonight. Why am I just so skeptical and feel like all he's gonna do is feed me lines of poop?

Because he is. But, somewhere under all the crap he's caught up in is the man you married and the man you love. He's almost like a robot right now and OW has the recharger. It may be good tonight for him, but you'll most likely remain very suspicious.

Try to just talk to him and not about OW. That's a mistake I made early on. I got soooo caught up in the hatred of her that I think I went a little overboard. This made him go into a 'protection' mode of her.

You H must not continue working with OW. Does he have the power to have her removed? Do people at work realize what they were doing? Do you have anyone at his job you can talk to or trust? Remember, your H is in there....just very, very far down. This will most likely be one of the hardest things you ever do, but if you can regain love and trust for him, you will be a much better person. I'll keep checking back. Rely on those here who have tons of info to give you. I'm no veteran, just a duped BW who has personal experience to share....boo hoo.