Im just catching up with your thread now. Im so very sorry for what you are going through. If your W only knew how hard you are fighting for her.... Im so sorry



Pure curiosity? Not likely. She was throwing the bait out there, seeing if someone would bite.

Seeing where she is looking for privacy, perhaps plan B is in order? Since 'privacy' is so important to her, maybe you should pack her bags and have everything waiting on the front steps for her when she gets home.

Maybe it would serve as a wake up call.

She just called me back again and asked what she would need to do to save our marriage. First thing I said was OM needs to go. I said that we would let him know together that he is not to have anymore contact with WW. She said she would take care of it. I said no I will be involved. We never really got past that.

She said she told him she wanted to be more that friend to see what he would say to boost her ego now. Maybe that's true but she is still being unfaithful to me.

Bottom line on OM we need to tell him no contact together, or else. No choice there.

At the end of the call she said for some reason she still wants to go to supper tonight. Then she said she had to go.

I'm not giving in this time. I have been jerked around too much.

I think she may be close to hitting bottom now. That was the first time she has ever came to me and asked what I needed her to do in order to work on our marriage. That felt kind of good.

She just sent me an email asking what I expect from her if we are going to work on our M and what the "rules" are going to be.

I laid it all out for her. It doesn't seem so bad to me but we'll see what she thinks. Basically I need her to be a loving wife. I cannot trust her and she is going to have to work with me to earn that back.

Anyways I am still standing my ground. I know what I need and expect from her and I have expressed that to her.

I think by me talking to her in a calm manner and telling her this is it, she has realized I'm doen with this. I think the fact that I told her I'm done has scared her. Hopefully she has hit bottom.

Good for you! If it comes up again, you might explain to her the difference between "privacy" and "secrecy". What she was doing was in secret. Privacy is going to the bathroom alone. There should be no "secrets" between a husband and wife.

I would insist that she write that NC TODAY, give it to you for your approval and YOU send it. There should be a cc: to you as well so that OM will know that she copied you.

Prepare a list of extraordinary precautions that need to be set in place, no other-sex friends, no friends who are not friends of the marriage, no independent behavior, passwords to all accounts (email, financial, cell, etc)... in other words complete transparency. There is no room for negotiation on these things.

Come back here and read and post on getting through the next part. It won't be easy. I hope she's worth it.

Noname,

Consider this a cyber HIGH-FIVE!!!

I know this is tough, and I know you will want to go easy on her at some point ... DON'T DO IT!!! She is coming around, but she WILL backslide.

STAND TALL ... STAY FIRM ... the tide is turning in your favor and it seems to be energizing you. You've been around here enough to know what you need to attempt a solid R ... STICK WITH YOUR PLAN.

Once again ... GREAT JOB!!!

Dear No,

So she was willing to show disregard and disrespect for you and her marriage with you for the sake of "pure curiosity". I think it is important that she understand that her need to satisfy her "pure curiosity" is a boundary that she can no longer cross if she expects to remain in the marriage with you.

I think ThisBitterPill is on to something when she points out that it appears that your wayward wife is simply in wayward mode and shows a willingness to throw you overboard out of "pure curiosity".

I strongly agree with the rules you are establishing of one hundred percent transparency, all passwords, no contact with males who are not friends of the marriage, your ability to review any aspect of her life. She has proven that she cannot have male friends when she is willing to say something like that to a man for the sake of "pure curiosity."

MyRev

You have been telling me to stand up for myself for a long time now. I have to say that I hadn't truly done that until yesterday. As soon as I did it her tone did change. That was the hardest thing I have done, but at the same time it felt so good once I finally did it. I have come a long way here and I will not back down now. Thank you for your support through all of this it has really helped me.

Yesterday was that hardest and most intense day I have had since all of this started in my M almost 1 year ago. WW has agreed on what I expect from her and what the rules are in order for me to work on our M. The NC letter will be completed today. She really wanted to do this on her own but I insisted that I will be involved or I end the M. There is no negotiating there and she did agree in the end. I don’t trust her at all right now and will be watching closer than ever.

Last night we ended up going out for our anniversary after all. Things were a little tense when I got home from work, but we got past it and had a nice night together. We are starting new now. We have new boundaries and have put together a plan to try and recover our M. I never really set boundaries before.

Taking the stand I did yesterday was the best thing I could have done. This is my last attempt at this. I do feel that yesterday woke her up some, but I know she isn’t out of this yet. We have a lot of work ahead of us. Thanks your all your support yesterday, I needed it.

NN2,

WAY TO GO!!!!!!! You did a fantastic job and you are already starting to see a turnaround in your situation. It does feel good to take a stand for yourself doesn't it? Like I said before, It was the scariest thing I have ever done in my life, but I knew that it was something that I had to do or I was never going to be able to look at myself in the mirror again. I'm so happy that it appears to have made a difference in you sitch.

So where do you go from here? First, you should expect a little emotional crash in the next few weeks. Right now, you are in the "honeymoon phase" of recovery. Your WW has realized that her actions could actually cause her to lose her M and suddenly she is committed to working on it. You are living in the high of having the A ended and avoiding disaster. After that fades though, you should expect some of the anger and angst that you felt before taking a stand to come back. It is one thing to think that you can get over the A and another thing entirely to actually do it. Finding ways to let the past be the past can be VERY difficult. Try to take things one day at a time and realize that recovery isn't called a roller coaster for nothing. It takes time and commitment from both spouses to achieve a truly happy recovery.

So what is your recovery plan? One thing I would suggest is that you could either bring your WW here or at the very least, you should consider buying the home study course. You need a solid plan to build a happy M. Reading the books and doing the questionnaires will give you and your WW a chance to learn where things got sidetracked before and how to prevent it in the future.

I see a lot of hope in your situation NN2. You did a great job. It will not be easy, but you can recover your M. Hang in there and keep the faith.......

Want2Stay

You are VERY WELCOME!!!

Looks like you've found your "F"-it button!!!

As I was reading your updates, I was creating a response in my head, then I read W2S's post, and I realized that he has already posted everything (and then some) that I was going to say, so just re-read his post again, and understand that I concur with EVERY word. He is a good ally to have in your situation.

Wow...that's one of those retarded lies you tell when you are cornered, with no warning, and will say anything to get out of trouble.

Maybe it doesn't matter at this point, but you do realize that statement is a lie, right?

She said it because she wanted to have sex with him, plain and simple.

Oh yeah I realize it is a total lie. I told her that was a bunch of crap and she said I was reading too much into it. I told her to just stop feeding me that crap because I'm not stupid. She had no idea I was seeing those emails and she had no way out of that statment.

Don't back down on this. There is NO defense of that statement. She knew EXACTLY what she was saying when she wrote it.

Next time she tries to defend it simply say "You know what they say about cats and CURIOSITY don't you."

Want2Stay

p.s. Not elluding that it could get her killed, but that her curiosity would definate spell the death of the M.

Today WW saw that I was emailing her mom. I was looking for some advice on how to move forward. I have talked to her mom throughout this whole thing and WW always said she didn't mind.

WW say one of her aunt's names mentioned in the email. WW has supposedly told this aunt everything. Well she hadn't told her everything. I filled in the blanks for her yesterday. This aunt and a cousin asked WW to lunch here next week. Now WW is going crazy because she thinks they are taking her our to talk to her, which they are.

WW yelled at me and said have no business talking to her family about this. I calmly told her I am trying to save our marriage and I feel they can help us. I don't even care when she gets mad like this right now.

I feel at such peace with myself after yesterday. I have my feet dug in and if WW can't meet what I need and expect from her, then I guess we had a good run. I will end this tomorrow if she wants to. I think the fact that I am so calm right now and know exactly what I want is making her nuts.

Hopefully after a few days here she will start to come around. She is only mad at herself for her choices. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

You are doing GREAT Noname.

You are proactive
You are strong
You are committed
You are NOT a doormat
You are a MAN

Women love a strong, committed, proactive man!

Dontcha just feel great?!?!?!

She doesn’t seem to be coming around again now. Her doctor put her on some antidepressants today. I am pretty surprised she talked to him about her issues. I have asked her to talk to someone for awhile now.

This weekend we have plans to go out on Saturday. It’s an all day thing so her parents are taking our girls to the cabin for the weekend. I thought since we don’t have the girls we can spend the entire weekend just doing what we want with no schedules. She asked if I wanted to golf on Friday and then get some supper. That sounds good to me but then she says she wants to go to a movie later that night with her friend.

I don’t know if I should let this crap go but I feel like I need to have more of her time. In my mind if we are working on this marriage then we should be spending time with each other not with friends. She told her mom on the phone the other night that the only time she is happy is when she is with her friends.

I don’t know what to do with this situation now. I told her I don’t want her to go out as I would like for us to spend the night together. I’m not going to say anymore about it if she goes I really don’t feel like fighting anymore.

I really feel like giving up on my M at this point. I have taken my stand and I just don’t know if I can take much more of her crap. There is no OM right now that I know of yet. I think it’s time to find out what my legal options are concerning custody.

Nn,

I know its tough, but I agree with your assessment. At some point, you simply have to see some effort on her part, or you're just spinning your wheels.

She has the perfect kid-free opportunity to work on her M this weekend, and she wants to go to a movie with toxic BF, which I am still convinced is a very large source of your marital issues. Toxic BF's are ... well ... TOXIC to everything they touch and poison the well of friendship. They are MISERABLE and want everyone around them to be as MISERABLE as them.

You were probably searching for some "sign" that things were either improving or deteriorating before you took the next step. To my mind, your WW wanting to go to the movies with toxic BF, instead of working on things with you, is "YOUR SIGN".

Time to talk to an attorney (WITHOUT YOUR WW KNOWING) and formulate a plan to protect your assets and secure custody of your girls. If the weekend continues without any significant improvement from your WW ... its probably time to put that plan into action.

HINT: Each community has an attorney that is well known for being the most ruthless (Often a female) in dovorce cases. HIRE THIS PERSON BEFORE YOUR WW GETS THE OPPORTUNITY.

I'm really sorry ... It's obvious just how much you want to preserve your family, but it takes a fully engaged PARTNER to pull that off, and for some reason (likely toxic BF's continued cheerleading) your WW just won't make that commitment.

At this point, I'm afraid that your only hope is that serving your WW with a D petition seeking full custody "MAY" jolt her out of fantasyland and start seeing toxic BF for the poison that she is, and you as the loving, faithful H that you appear to be.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Another HINT: When you consult with an attorney (not necessarily hire them) then they will most likely "conflict out" if she approaches them later (and if they're ethical), thereby shrinking the pool of "good" lawyers available. This is good in a smaller-town environment.

Wow! Shrewd.

I know someone who works in the family court for my county. I am going to start with her and see if she can give me any referrals. Otherwise I have a list of a few attorneys I will call. My WW will not know what I am doing. She never would think that I would take this route if it came to that. I do not want to do this at all. I want to have my WW back to the person she was when we married, but I am preparing myself that it may not happen.

I'm still having a hard time believing this is where my M has gone.