I posted this on another forum and was contacted by a really great member of yours who suggested this would be a better place for me to get advice. ****EDIT****

Here is the story...

I feel like total crap right now. My wife and I have not had much of a sexual relationship at all now for several years. She has been pregnant for the last 2 basically, but I still feel like I have been totally neglected in that area. Not that we even had to have sex while she was pregnant, but there was no sexual contact at all. I am sure you catch my drift...

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago, I got on a website for married people looking to cheat, with the intention of nothing more than finding someone to exchange emails and text messages with and stuff. An ego boost, someone to make me feel wanted, etc... I never had any intention of meeting anyone and even said in my profile that I didn't know if I could go any further than that.

A few weeks ago, I started exchanging emails with a married woman. The proximity made it more exciting. I told her right from the get go that I didn't think I could ever go farther than this email and text stuff. We talked about our lives a bit and where we were from and all, getting to know each other. We exchanged a little bit of sexual banter, but nothing even close to cybersex or anything.

Shortly after this started, I was talking to a really old friend about my marriage and started to see that I might have been part of the problem and why I haven't been getting much of any attention from my wife. I started to try to change how I acted towards her, even while this other thing was going on. Started acting more loving, hugging her more, rubbing her back more... that sort of stuff, the stuff I didn't even realize I wasn't doing.

This other thing never went very far, but the whole time I felt bad about it. Started having panic attacks and feeling sick all the time. I obviously knew what I was doing was not 100% kosher. I also looked at it like internet porn. Sure the "personal" touch was a little something extra, but I really wasn't seeing it as more than porn. I know now that I was totally wrong about that. Apparently the woman's husband must have figured something out and sent me an email telling me he "knew who i was and where I lived and soon would be burned." I emailed back apologizing and thanking him for helping me see what I was doing was wrong, even though nothing at all happened. He just replied that he didn't care what i had to say and would let my wife now what a "piece of sh*t" she was married to.

So, I did what I felt was right and told my wife about it. Even though I feel like I did this because I was being neglected at home, I did not tell my wife this. I didn't want to put any of this on her, since it was my fault and my stupid mistake. It doesn't matter why I did it, only that I did it and it was wrong.
I promptly deleted my profile and the email address I had used for it. I am ashamed at what I did.

I don't want to lose her and this has made me see that. We have 2 great kids and I don't want to lose them either. If I have to live the rest of my life without sex, I'll do it for them.

Obviously she has lost trust in me. This is the first and only time I have ever one anything like this. As little as it was, I know it was wrong.

I had been suggesting counseling for us for weeks, which she didn't want to do and had been telling her for years that the lack of sexual relationship was a big deal to me. She always seems to get upset that sex is a big part of marriage to me.

She seems willing to forgive me and chalk this up to a temporary insanity thing and a reaction to having another new baby in the house and the life change just making things wacky. I love her for that, she really is an amazing woman.

She has agreed to go to counseling with me now, but I am unsure of what do do to build her trust in me again. She has lost it and I can't blame her. I hope more than anything that in the long run this just makes us stronger.

I guess more than anything this is just airing this thing out for people to see and suggest things I might not be seeing on my own. Thanks for listening...

So did ya meet BA on the cheater's board? I just wonder if he's as well known there as he is here.

No, I met him on another forum called ****EDIT****.

I spilled the story over there, and after the responses I got there, he seemed to think I would have more success over here.

His words...



Although I am gathering from these first two responses that he might have the wrong impression of this forum.

Choctow...are you really gonna let this post stay on the board. Come on....delete the whole thread.

Is this really not ok for me to be looking for help and advice?

If not, then sorry, please just delete the thread. BA seemed to think that you guys could offer me some good advice and that this site was a good resource for me to fix my marriage.

Maybe it was all just a setup...

Sorry...

BA...you are truly a sick person.

Messedup27,

I am a moderator. Please email me.

messedup27,

BestAdvisor has a reputation around here, and it isn't good.

If you remove any remarks regarding BestAdvisor, you are more likely to be welcomed, encouraged to tell your story, and offered advice.

Some may think WE are getting setup by BestAdvisor through you. If you truly want help, work through some of the comments you might get.

If you don't want help and are playing games as/with BestAdvisor, please go home and don't waste the time and effort so many will put into you.

I tried PMing but it didn't work, so I emailed you with the link in your sig.

I guess it appears that medc seems to think I am BA, which I can assure you is not the case.

It looks like it may be a set up by BA from the other board.

He only suggested this as a place to get some good advice.

Hopefully someone on here will be a big enough person to offer me some. If not, thanks anyway.

More details would help. How old are your children? How long have you been married?

This is a grave error on her part. Forgiveness is great, reconciliation is great, but she is minimizing the seriousness of your offense.

Don't give into the temptation to view it in this light. What you did was wrong, and you fully chose it. An early step to recovery will be accepting that, and I sense that you're on your way to doing so.

With a new baby to worry about, and then finding out you have betrayed her, I don't blame her for wanting to justify it however she has to so it will go away. Still, it is not the route that will bring the two of you to a true recovery.

Read Dr. Harley's articles about infidelity, and keep learning all you can. This place is the best that I know of for recovering troubled marriages.

And I hope you did not give certain unnamed people your email address. If you haven't, don't.

We have been married just about 5 years. Boys are 16 months and 6 weeks.

I don't minimize what I did just because she is willing to try to justify it. I know it sucks and was totally wrong. I just count myself very lucky that she is willing to try to put it behind us. I'll check out the infidelity stuff, thanks.

Putting it behind you without exploring every ugly facet is akin to sweeping the elephant in the middle of the room under the rug. I worry for your chances of true success if this wound is not cleaned out and repaired properly.

This is not to knock your efforts. It sounds like you have been willing to let her delve, and that she has not wanted to. It's her choice, but one I believe to be a mistake, and I would be remiss not to say so.

My wife and I have not had much of a sexual relationship at all now for several years.
Will your wife read any marriage books with you? If so I highly suggest getting Fall In Love, Stay In Love, available from this website and probably from your library. While you're waiting for the book to arrive, read about Emotional Needs (ENs) on this site. We all have basic ENs and when someone meets our ENs it strengthens our bond to that person. Men's highest ENs are typically (but certainly not always!) Sexual Fulfillment and Recreational Companionship. Admiration is pretty high up there too, usually. When you and your W don't have SF, it is very harmful to your M if SF is one of your top ENs.

We tend to see things from our own perspective. This means you will focus on meeting your W's ENs in the same priority that you yourself would like them met. This can be problematic, because womens' ENs are typically (not always!) Conversation and Affection. So if you're not *actively* listening to your wife, giving her your full attention, asking questions and being involved, you're not meeting one of her top ENs. Conversation takes work. It's not a nod and an MmmHmm while you read the paper and she jabbers about the kids.

Affection is NOT the same thing as sex. Affection is holding hands, hugging, a kiss on the cheek, playing with her hair, a massage, touching her on the small of the back and you hold the door open for her to go through. If Affection is one of your W's top ENs and you're not being affectionate multiple times each day, she is TOTALLY not going to feel very much like making love w/you.

Because you have two small children, her need for Family Commitment or Domestic Support may be high.

You and your wife need to learn about ENs, what they are, and which ones are your top ones. Then you need to share that information with one another, along with ways in which you really like that EN to be met. This will allow you to each put your efforts where they will have the most positive impact on the marriage.

You can bust your tail meeting her EN for financial support but if it's not one of her top ENs you're wasting your time. She'll likely only see "He's married to his job, I wish he'd notice ME for a change". Conversely, if her need for FS is high, then if you move to a better paying or more secure job, she'll see that as proof of your love for her and the family.

Learn about ENs and communicate about them.

She always seems to get upset that sex is a big part of marriage to me.
If she will read the book and go through it with you, it will help her understand that this is VERY normal, and that if she wants you to feel loved, sex is a big part of that. She probably feels like she's a piece of meat, that she's being groped, and that you're only after the sex but don't really love HER, the PERSON. This is also normal and it's because her ENs aren't being met. When they are, and when she understands that SF is a real and valid need for you and that it plays an important part in the M, she'll be more willing to engage in SF with you.

I wouldn't try to educate her yourself. She'll take that as preachy and controlling. See if she'll read the book with you. It has great examples that illustrate the concepts very clearly. It has questionnaires that you fill out and questions at the end of the chapters that you answer. Take the time to read all the text (and discuss it), and to answer all the questions (and discuss your answers).

She has agreed to go to counseling with me now, but I am unsure of what do do to build her trust in me again.
Ask her.

Some ideas: get rid of the computer or ask her to put a key logger on it that mails reports to her, so she's aware of your activities while on the computer. If you use a work computer, volunteer to have a key logger installed there if company policy will allow it.

Your wife may be fearful there is more than the chat site. Volunteer to change cellphones with her. Make sure she has access to all cellphone records (including work related). Volunteer to install a GPS tracking device on the car so she knows that you really are where you say you will/have been.

If your wife feels like IC (individual counseling) for sex addiction would help, then do that. From what you've said I don't think you're a sex addict, just a lonely person who has neglected his marriage. BUT the point here is to make your wife feel secure. So if it would help HER for you to go, then do it.

But mostly, ASK YOUR WIFE what else might help her feel safe.

I agree with the other posters that your wife's desire to not delve into this is a very bad thing and very dangerous to your marriage. Keep constantly and gently leading the way toward examining the problems in the marriage and repairing it.

Why is she reluctant to go to counseling or examine the workings of the marriage? Is she fearful she'll come out looking like the bad guy? Does she fear she's been a bad wife? Does she fear telling you how hurt and angry she really is over your behavior? Does she fear honesty will drive you away?

Whatever the cause, try to find out and then reassure her that she won't be criticized, just given tools for a happier marriage. Or that you're in the marriage for the long haul and you WANT to hear her honest feelings so you can better yourself. Make her feel safe.

T/J


I don't know why certain people always bring up this BA person on threads all of the time.

It's pretty obvious to me that every time you do it, he's probably laughing his [censored] off.

Why even post on one of his threads (if you think it's him)?

Just show some self-control...don't post on his threads...then he'll eventually go away.

Sheeesh.


Sorry for T/J.

Neak and Turtle are giving you some very good advice. Will your wife come here and post too?