She asked me to change my cell phone number so the OW can't get in touch with me and I agreed instantly to that. I have no problem letting her see whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She pays all of our bills, so she has always seen everything on our credit card statements and all.

I think part of the reason she is willing to push it away is that she knows deep inside that I never met this person. I am literally either with her and the kids, or home with the kids while she is out doing something or at work. I never leave early for work or come home late, and due to the nature of my job, she knows I can't leave work during the day. I think she really believes I never met this OW, which she should. I had even told the OW right at the beginning that meeting wasn't going to happen.

I am not sure why she was reluctant to go to counseling before now. I think BOTH of us are afraid to be honest with each other quite frankly. I don't think she is as honest with me about what she wants/needs as she should be and I feel the same way about myself. I am really looking forward to the counseling.


As for her getting on this website, I doubt it. I am an admin at a gaming website and we have a bunch of friends that we have met all over the country. She really likes these people a lot, but I can't get her online to keep in touch with them via the forums. There is also a local "moms" forum that I suggested she try to make some friends since we are still relatively new to our area. I thought it would be perfect for her to be able to exchange with people just like her. She just isn't "into it."

Thanks for all the really great advice turtlehead. I did some reading on this website yesterday and saw all of what you are talking about with the ENs. I really hope our counselor uses this same type of info.

Ask your counselor up front if they use Harley principals. If not, move on and interview another counselor. MelodyLane has some sobering statistics about the success/failure rate of marriage counselors. It's wretched. Well over half of married couples who go to marriage counseling don't improve/save their marriage. The Harleys have a HUGE success rate. In fact, if you don't find a counselor that absolutely knocks your socks off, schedule telephone counseling sessions with one of the Harleys. I've heard they're VERY good and while they are expensive they can accomplish more in a week than other counselors do in a month.

I still recommend getting "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and working through it with your wife. It is SO MUCH MORE effective to work through the book together than for one of you to read it and "teach" the other. That just doesn't work, IMO. The one doing the reading/teaching brings their own filters and perceptions to the table. Plus the one not reading can feel harassed and criticized.

Will she work through the book with you?

I'll talk to her about it tonight. I'll show her this website to see the information on it. It might be a great idea for us to do this stuff. Just reading through all his Q&A, the stuff makes a lot of sense.

Have you try to ask her again to post on this board? It will be benefitial to her and your marriage if she does.

***edit*** it seems like you are minimizing what you were doing. You KNEW what you were doing was totally wrong, you didn't need OW's H to TELL you that, you went to the site knowing that already. You're like every other cheater and you're lucky your W has anything to do with you at all. The whole way you come across doesn't reek of remorse...but it reeks.
Are you really seeking advice or are you wanting to justify and minimize your actions? ***edit***

I have gotten her to look at the site and read all of the concepts and info, but she has not been to the forums yet.

I am sorry you were hurt by someone, no reason to take it out on me.

Several other people seem to feel I do sound remorseful, I'll choose to take their views on the situation.

That doesn't sound remorseful to me. It sounds like someone looking to do something wrong and excusing it in the process and not being up front about it.
It has nothing to do with what I have been through, it has to do with what you put your wife through. I take my vows seriously and know all too well the consequences when one doesn't...it doesn't affect just the one that made that decision, it affects others as well.

If you are sincere about wanting to do right from here on out, more power to you, this is the place to be. I didn't mean to attack someone remorseful, I just felt it was a crock. Sorry.

I am not sure how the explanation of what happened detracts from how bad I feel about it. I figured telling the story was part of looking for advice... oh well...



Anyway, my wife has still been dragging her feet on doing anything. It's kind of disappointing because I feel like I have been trying hard to meet her EN's as I see them... Yes, I said "as I see them" because she hasn't even found the time to look at this stuff too thoroughly so we can talk about it. Maybe she is just still mad, which is totally expected. I just would have thought she really wanted to try to fix things... She wanted to call and find a counselor, I got 3 recommendations and 2 weeks later I was still bugging her to make the call.

MU:

YOU Make the call.

So what if you have to do MORE.

Just set up the appointment.

You have to meet her EN's?

Great. Should be doing that anyway.

Don't know what hers are? Pull the questionaire from this site and fill it in the best you know how for her. And then start meeting those EN's.

Can't hurt.

LG