Hello all,

I have read this site for a few years. I've pointed friends to it and wished I had it 20 years ago when my first marriage ended in divorce. Here's my short back story:

Got married at 20. Had a DD at 23. He left me for another woman at 25, we divorced when I was 26. He kept 50/50 custody until she was 12 and than began to emotionally abuse her by withdrawing from her life and blaming her. He also has stolen her inheritance and said flat to her face she'd have to sue him. I'm suing him on her behalf, which I can do until she's 18. My ex married the 'other woman' and they have three more additional children. They are very very unhappy. They live close and my oldest visits every other weekend. It's always traumatic for her to go.

I got remarried when I was 30 to a wonderful, kind man. He loves my oldest as his own and would adopt her in a second. They are like peas and carrots. He's her Daddy. His first wife also had an affair and left him. They have no children and are not in contact (well she did email him a few times because he was in the paper but he ignored her).

Here's my problem. I have to be brief as I need to put the kids to bed but I'm not sure how to react in this situation.

We've been married 10 years. We've had two more children, and all three get along fine like sisters do even with a 10 year age difference. We decided to be Done Having Children. He had an appointment for a vasectomy, and I was going to go back to work full time next year (I've been home since having my 6 year old). For some reason in the last two months he's not been very interested in sex. I'm always willing and ready but he seems tired and reluctant. I've made it clear I won't refuse him and find him very sexy. It was an issue in his first marriage, so I try to make sure he's fulfilled in that area.

Last month we had sex two times. I'm on birth control pills, but I had some weird spotting so we also used a condom. Last week I took a pregnancy test as I was 'late' and feeling tired. It was positive. I am beyond shocked. We took six more tests (had to run to the store in my jammies LOL) and went the next morning to get an ultrasound that put me at 7 weeks.

He's so freaked out and scared and depressed that we won't be able to afford this child. We talked about not keeping it but decided we would keep it and love it. This has not brought us closer, it's driving us apart.

Now he's telling me he wants to get a paternity test, because there is "No Way" my getting pregnant makes sense to him. He thinks there is a possibility it's not his.

I guess I understand but I'm really really hurt by this. I'm scared enough without this added pressure. I don't even look at other men like that. I'm Married, and I love him. I don't know what to do to prove I'm not messing around but have the test done. I hate that I'll even have to tell my dr to run the test, or he will. He says he doesn't really think I've cheated but he'd like to be 100% sure.

He won't touch me. If I try to snuggle in bed with him he moves away. I know he's super depressed over this. Says he won't touch me again until his vasectomy is complete. Yes I know you can't get pregnant when you are already pregnant but it's like he's lost his sense.

It's driving us apart. It hurts me so much I can't sleep with him. I'm sleeping on the couch most nights or I'll just cry. He's made me feel like I did something wrong but I know I'm totally innocent and as confused as he is. I love him so much. I am trying to see things from his side but part of me feels like I'm the one that has to carry the baby, put off another 5 years to raise the baby -- to stop my life yet again (as I did at 23 with my first).

Does anyone have any ideas, advice or btdt experiences? I was hoping for grandchildren in 10 years not a 5th grader but oh well. I already feel pangs of love for this little one, and it's because I know it's him and me in a little creature growing into a person.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. If you only havd sex twice a month and used birth control pills and condoms, I can see why your husband is suspicious. Offer to get a paternity test, and that will assuage his doubt.

You were probably already pregnant when you used the condom.

It's not uncommon to have a normal period, get pregnant, and then have one last spotty period after that.

Were your other kids conceived while you were on the pill? It happens. Was his vasectomy planned several months ago? If that's the case, he was probably really worried about leaving it all up to fate. Then, when it happened - natural to be totally freaked out.

My opinion is that this child is special, meant to be born. Maybe this will be the child to care for you in your old age or make a difference in the world.

I think I'd be hurt and insulted too, but the reality is that he's always going to wonder, and he's the child's father, so go and get it done. You need him in your life and in their life, and you can't have this hanging over your heads or he is likely to treat the child different and will never be able to get past that niggling of distrust.

I'd be honest with your doctor about your reasons for wanting it done because after the test, maybe he can talk to your husband and reassure him as well.

I think your best avenue is to voice your hurt and disappointment but also your unequivocal cooperation in getting it done.

My husband did the same thing when I got unexpectedly pregnant on the pill. He didn't demand the test, but he did ask if it was his.

Your husband is freaking out about being a father again. He's not handling it well and he has a case of temporary insanity... at least that's what my husband did. Continue to re-assure him it's his, there has been no infidelity. When I'm trying to convince my husband I'm telling the truth, I say "I bet you $5M I'm right"... just to show him how sure I am. You might try something similar.

Show him you have nothing to fear. Order the paternity test if he still insists. Once his mind settles, he'll come to his senses and you can discuss your hurt. I don't think you're going to get anywhere discussing your hurt while he's in insanity mode though.

I know this will not be popular with many of the vets, but its obviously an option that you all considered, and it deserves a place in this discussion.

If I were to find myself looking at being a father again in my 40's, after I had made plans to enjoy "empty nesting" with my W, I would have to seriously consider an abortion.

You admit that the decision to "keep it and love it" isn't working out very well. You are sleeping on the couch and crying. Your H has severely withdrawn from you and now questions your fidelity.

I am non-religious, bordering on being anti-organized religion, so I don't have any religious issues to deal with in this decision, and you never mentioned anything religious in your post, so I assume that isn't an issue for you either.

I just think if you take the emotions out of this and look at it from a positives vs. negatives standpoint ... just avoiding this situation altogether makes a lot of sense given the "other" issues you are facing in your M ... adding another child into this mess surely isn't going to help anything.

For the rest of you ... if you want to differ with my opinion, you can do so without labelling this advice to consider a completely viable and legal alternative.

Well, at one time it was completely legal to keep slaves and kill them under some circumstances...didn't make that right...did it? Murder is murder is murder.

Thanks for pushing the abortion angle though. It's always nice to know there are people out there that still believe in abortion for convenience sake.

Hopefully this poster has morals enough to not decide to kill their growing child.

Sorry medc, but I simply REFUSE to be drawn into another one of your childish pi$$ing matches.

If you have ANYTHING of value to add for this poster ... go ahead, but I am through with your narrow minded, holier than thou speeches.

I'm going to head this off at the pass, so to speak.

The Mod staff is monitoring this thread closely. PLEASE be respectful of one another in your responses. We will take action if the TOS are not followed.

Thank you

I do not have a BTDT experience of my own but I do have a very close friend who does. She and her H have 9(!) children.

When she was pregnant with number 6 he was very angry. He refused to talk to to her for most of the pregnancy. By the end he was OK with it and was delighted to welcome his first son after 5 girls.

However, when she became unexpectedly preganant with number 8, despite their precautions, he was LIVID!!!!!!! He would not talk to her at all, refused to participate in any kind of prenatal care and even decided to not be present for the birth. He didn't give her birthday or Christmas presents that year. You have to understand, too, that this guy is normally the sweetest, gentlest, most understanding man you have ever met. The original soft-hearted teddy bear.

But he WAS terrified! He never accused her of infidelity but it would not have surprised me if he would have.

After the baby was born(#3 son)he was APPALLED at his behavior. He could not believe that he would treat his beloved so badly merely becasue he was afraid to have another child. Reminds me a little of the bad behavior of waywards.

He immediately began to make it up to her and the marriage is stronger than ever. They even purposely had number 9(#6 girl).

One of the things I learned from my friend was that she was extraordinarily mature. She tolerated her H's behavior while she was pregnant, believing that he WAS afraid, and that he was NOT behaving like his real self. I can only guess, but I think if he had accused her of infidelity, even though she would have been hurt, she would have taken a paternity test, knowing full well that he was going to feel like an idiot afterwards.

All that said, something else in your post caught my attention. It may be nothing and I certainly don't want to stir anything up in you at this stage.... You said that for some reason your H has not been interested in sex the past couple months. Is that unusual? Is it remotely possible that HE has been cheating and now accuses YOU of that to perhaps cover up his own behavior?

Sorry if I insult you or your H with that. It's just that when you have been a victim of an A, you sometimes see it when other people don't .

I say congratulations are in order to you.

Blessings,
WH2LE

I think that you should give it some time. I guess you do need to first decide if abortion is an option for you, as it would be better done sooner than later, and I am not one to judge...but if you feel that is not an option for you...just wait a little. Let your H adjust to this new information.

You are in shock. Your H is in shock. His reaction isn't ideal, but it seems reasonable to me. The only thing that disturbs me is that he immediately accuses you of infidelity. Has your M been ok other than this new pregnancy? If so, why is he immediately jumping to this conclusion? Do you think it's leftover from his first M?

Take a paternity test. Schedule it yourself and present him with the date and time. Be proactive in showing him that this child is his. That way, if he is feeling anxiety because of his past M, you can quickly show him that you are faithful.

I have BTDT with our third. I was on BCP, the baby was four months old, and we had sex ONCE...we got pregnant with our last boy. I was afraid to tell H because I knew that he didn't want anymore. We had plans for a vasectomy as well, but just hadn't gotten it done yet. I guess, babies come when they want to. My H wasn't thrilled, but he also stepped up and owned his part. It was an "accident" but today neither one of us could imagine life without our THREE boys.

Good luck.

MS

The choice to abort wouldn't be a matter of "taking emotions out of it," but a matter of taking MORALITY out of it. Nor does someone have to be "religious" to know right from wrong. I know people who are athiests who do have morals and know right from wrong. That is demonstrated by the numerous agnostics and athiests here who KNOW that adultery is immoral. Morality is not the exclusive domain of Christians.

The problem I see with killing the child is that the OP and her husband might know right from wrong and have fully functioning consciences. It is much harder to delude oneself into murdering your own child when that is the case. An abortion would obviously not be a good "choice" for the baby or for the souls of the parents.

In the end, the choice belongs to this woman and her husband. While we may not agree with the idea of this being a "choice" women should have, at this point in time, it is a choice.

The matter at hand - the reason this woman is asking for help and support - is not a debate over the morality of abortion but rather how this woman can proceed in her relationship. Btw, she has not even said what her position is on it...and I kind of think that is a wise choice.

I still think that you need to let your H take some time to digest. Have you been able to talk with H about what he wants? He may be angry/shocked but he may also be trying to prepare himself for a revised future...just as you are. That has to be sort of like a mourning process - mourning the death of what you thought would be.

Keep trying and make sure you take care of yourself. Pregnancy and stress are not good bedfellows.

Mogisola, we should not help this couple make an IMMORAL, EVIL choice. That is not "support," that is ENABLING, something I do not engage in. I have a personal policy against enabling, sorry. People always have a "choice" to choose EVIL, that does not mean you have to be an accessory to their crime. If a person wants to commit suicide, its not "support" to get them a gun, its "support" to stop them.

It would be a tragic mistake to take morality out of this discussion. We see the tragic result on this board when people took the morality out of their decision making. When morality is abandoned, evil is given free reign.

I would remind you that posters here also have a "choice" to speak out against abortion just as much as you have a right to speak out in FAVOR of it. This forum does not censor anti-abortion views. "Choice" works both ways, thankfully.

mtelli, I will only echo the good advice that you got from a few to hold on and ride this out. I also know people who had similar "surprises" late in life. All of the anger and fear evaporated once the child was born and they found it to be the joy of their lives.

Another suggestion would be to contact the Harleys and get their assessment. It is very possible they could help your H with his adjustment.

and I will continue to reply to these morally bankrupt posts by pointing out the truth. And I did add value to the poster. You suggested something that takes away value and replaces it with evil.

YEP.

Funny how something being legal doesn't address its morality ...and how the abortion crowd gets all huffy when that is made readily apparent with an example.
Their position is so shallow and corrupt that any attempt to discuss the opposing opinion is met with the only thing they can truly offer...a house of cards.

Amen! I guess technically, they could wait for the baby to be born, decide whether it's worth the hassle, the wet diapers and colic, the sleepless nights.. and kill it later. It's their CHOICE after all. We can CHOOSE to do ANYTHING
But of course it is a horrible, terrible choice, and one I would strongly advise against.

In her defense, she didn't say that they were considering abortion...they were debating whether or not to keep the child. Don't you think that they might have been considering adoption?

I get that you all don't support abortion and believe it to be immoral and evil. Ok. She's not asking for advice about whether or not to keep the baby. She has made that decision already, right? She says herself that she and her husband are planning to keep the child (regardless of what they considered). So...she has not made an immoral or evil decision. She is asking for support and advice on how to help heal her relationship with her H now that there is a new child coming and the pregnancy is causing tension.

Can't we meet her where she is at? She has made what you deem to be the "morally correct" decision. Now, can we help her to find peace with her H as well and leave the judgement to God?

MS

I believe these responses are to another poster(Myrev). The original poster could be considering many options...including adoption.

We are to judge those that murder His children. Yes, she can be helped here and should be...but how about you recognizing that many people here will always address murder for what it is.

As for what she should do...have patience...there is nothing much else to do right now.

MS, have you read the thread? Our comments about abortion are in response to MyRev, who was advocating abortion, a very non-supportive suggestion. My offer of support is to emphasize that abortion will always be the wrong "choice." That is REAL support.

I am mystified about why you think it is ok for MR to advocate abortion but not ok for others to OBJECT to it? Does that seem rational to you? If you feel like posters have violated TOS by objecting to abortion, I would suggest you report us to the mods, rather than try to shut us up.

If you are this intolerant of anti-abortion posts, why not put us on ignore, dear? And no, I will not leave the "judgment" to God. It is your job and mine to judge right from wrong. That is God's expectation.