Road,

She was careful that I didn't see anything concrete, but not so careful with the kids. He saw them kissing on several occasions. I'm very very angry about that right now, but she claims she didn't realize he saw this.

He says he didn't tell me because he thought I was already hurt by her behavior and didn't want me to hurt more. That was enough to make me want to just go give him a hug. I never wanted the kids to be hurt like this.

Guys,
I'm really hurting again. This new revelation hit me hard.

I'm going to take my usual medicine at the gym but I'm just feeling like I can't take it anymore. I'm calling today to ask for some meds. Can you recommend anything that has worked for you.

Sorry to hear of your pain... you're with the right group. I have my ups and downs and every morning I get up to goto work and get this heavy feeling in my chest knowing he's going to work and the OW is there too..

Anyways, my WH is on prozac, I'm on Lexapro.. I have heard Wellbutrin is also helpful.. Heck, the rate I'm going, I have a follow up with my GP and may seek a change cause I went on the meds before the D-Day #2 occurred.. I think my dosage or meds needs some tweaking!!

Ugh

No great advice on this one. Just a great big pile of "I know how you feel". when you find out that your children are exposed to that crap, it really hurts.

I was on Lexapro. It was prescribed by my Doctor - not a psych. I called the Dr's office and said I needed help because I had been through a major trauma and was suffering with depression, and anxiety. They got me in that day, and she started me on the Lexapro. Started with half tablets. and after a couple of weeks went to 1 full tablet a day,and it was truly a blessing.

The anti-D's do not make you "high". they just help you to settle yourself down. I was still going through the trauma, still had an occasional crying fit. But it helped me to look at today, and make decisions for today, without the panic.

People will come here and post "I didn't use the anti-D's, I just toughed it out,and I am so glad I did"
To that I say, Why? No one is going to give you a purple heart for accepting the help that is available to you. I took them for about 6 months and then I didn't need them any more.

I also take a Clartin everyday during allergy season. I don;t feel the need to jsut "tough it out" during allergy season either.

Can you get together with your oldest this weekend? how far away is school.

P.S

Perhaps you could/should call the Harleys for a phone appointment?
you can talk to them alone, without your W.
And they will give you solid advice - they do not beleive in saving every M at all cost. They would let you know if they thought this M was just too damaged.

Just a thought.

6,

I am sorry you are hurting, and that your whole family is hurting. I think the meds may be helpful to you for a while. They all have different pros and cons, but your regular doc can certainly prescribe them. Ask for one that is less likely to have side effects.

I think you did very well by talking to your son. I think the suggestion of getting help for the kids is excellent. I like your plan on what to say next to your son. I also think you can appeal to the "better man" in him to at least listen to what his mother and you have to say to the whole family.

Your goal is to give your children a loving, stable home, and all these things today were a step towards that goal. And you might want to tell him that you do not want to throw away any more precious years with secret resentments, that you want to do the right things in your family starting today, and that means everybody working together to make it safe and right for everyone. And that you are going to show your leadership in this family by working towards making things better going forward.

You are doing so very well, 6, even though you feel terrible. You are taking so many right actions.

6, I also wanted to say that children -- especially adult children -- respond to vision and leadership demonstrated by their parents. That is why I suggested that you tell your son those things. He will never forget your words of trying to do the right thing for all of the family, and your request to give her a chance to prove herself.

He may not respond well, but he will not forget. And he will always look to you as a role model.

I will never forget a speech my father made to the family at the lowest time of his life-- the unexpected death of my brother. He called us all together and said that we could not change what had happened, and could never bring him back, but that we could learn from what happened and make better decisions in our own lives. Then he challenged us to always be there for each other.

It is what you do when you are down and hurting that defines your character. You can take this terrible time and make something good for your family out of it. You are already well on your way.

Chrysalis, WOF, JL;

Thanks for the support. I am really hurting from the realization that my oldest saw this going on. I realize that he is quite a kid to try to protect me from the hurt. Even if he was misguided. He sent me an email asking me not to ask him to do this. He went right for my heart with stuff like "you are my dad and I don't need more".

I know he is hurt as well. I'm thinking of going up to see him and having a one on one talk. W is frantic about this and says she can not figure out when he could have seen her. I was not nice because I told her that she did not care about us at all back then and probably never even tried to hid it from the kids. She is crying again, of course. I'm not yelling or anything but I don't have it in me to comfort her right now.

It's not your job to comfort her right now. Please remember that. Don't bunch yourself up in knots over that. Take care of yourself.

I'm a big big believer in touch and hugs and senses for making things better. I would bet that if you drove up to his school and even just touched your son on the arm right now, he'd burst into tears at the comfort that gives him.

As I understand it, Wellbutrin gives you energy. My doctor told me that it's even effective in weight loss, because it helps you retrain your mind to productive actions, not sedentary. Basically, just makes you 'feel' like getting up and accomplishing something. At least that's what it does for me. And Paxil calms the stress. That's what I take. They can start you out slowly so that you never even feel any side effects - just a sense of purpose.

6years,

You need help. YOu both need counseling and it is time your W realized she may not just lose you, she may lose her children as well. If not all of them then some of them, and this will happen if her pride continues to dominate the need for her to seek help and learn how to address this situation.

As for your son, I do think a trip up there would be a good thing. He needs to know what you think. You may not love your W, you may in fact divorce her, but HE needs a mother even if the woman that was supposed to be rearing him was not much of one. The relationship between the two needs to be normalized.

Further, your W needs to know IF you will help her in addressing your son's issues. I think you should be. I don't see how you can say you would and did stay in this marriage for the kids, and not do your level best to patch up the relationship between your oldest and his mother. I just don't see that as being a very reasonable stance.

You probably do need anti-D's and my bet is that you have needed them for about a decade now. Get them, tell your W to get off of dead center and start looking for a counselor, her kids are worth more than her pride.

Your son needs to know you remained with this family for 10 years and plan to continue for 6 more years so that HE and his siblings could have the best you and your W can offer. It is not perfect, but he needs his mother in his life.

I would also call your MIL, discuss with her the issue of counseling, the fact that her Grandchildren KNOW their mother cheated on their father, and that they are NOT happy campers. She may have some ideas that are useful.

You cannot make your son do anything, and I know at 20 they know a great deal :RollieEyes: but in the years to come things can get better if efforts are expended now.

Your family needs you in top form and right now that probably means anti-D's. Then your family needs for YOU to fight for them, or it will split in ways that will harm them for many years.

I know it is not fair that it all lands on you, but you volunteered when you decided to keep your mouthshut and just ignore her behavior and her affair. You did that you know.

Please adhere to your stated goal, to protect your children. It is a tough job, but ALL of your children need your help.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks again,

I called the psych and told him what happened. He is going to give me welbutrin, tonight. I'm going to fly up tomorrow first thing. I can't think about much other than my boy hurting up there alone. I'm not sure it is best but I have to be there. I agree that he could use a hug from dad.

W can practice being mom tomorrow, but MIL is coming over. I called her and for once she didn't know what to do. She is horrified that the kids saw the A. I also told W to get a counselor or we are done right now. I feel like I need to be in 10 places at once but S needs me the most right now. I don't know what I will say.

W did admit that she had had OM over to the house on a few occasions. I said I can't hear anymore right now, or I'm kicking her out. I need time to process. I thought I had all the data. I can't think because the papa bear in me is too loud right now.

I'll be asking for help tomorrow.

6years,


Even Poppa Bears need help. You do need it as well. Please understand that the anti-D's will take a few weeks to take full affect. I think your W is now seeing the seriousness of all of this. She has been in denial for 10 years. Your MIL may have suspected, I don't know. But, your kids KNOW. YOU KNOW. Your W has no where to hide. I would definitely tell her your goal is to normalize relations with her son.

Counseling is a MUST in my mind. Your younger ones apparently know at some level. The older ones apparently remember being exposed to OM. Your oldest does know what went on, and is really hurt, hence his anger.

You are actually doing everything about as well as you can. Hang in there 6years, things can and most likely will get better.

God Bless,

JL

JL, WOF, Chrysalis

I am feeling like I'm right back at the start of this again. I don't understand how she could have kept from me that she had him in my home. And probably in my bed, I'm not sure I want to ask. My kids saw them together, it just all feels like too much again.

I want to say to her that next surprise I get I am done, but I feel like I am bound to the 6 year plan. I am so angry, my son is alone and upset about this. He probably cried himself to sleep when he was 10 and may be doing it again. I'm thinking of calling the Harleys but I don;t even know where to start now.

6,

You are still doing it right. Good to go to your son tomorrow, Good to reach out to MIL for help, and good to triage all of this and decide what is most important.

And really good to come here for help tomorrow. I think we will all try to watch for your posts tomorrow.

I am juggling 2 kid emergencies at once today and tomorrow but I will still look for your posts when I can.

call the Harleys, for YOU
get rid of the bed-- start fresh
consider if you want to ask her for a polygraph exam

but stop punishing her. You are getting truth now. She is changing, as are you. She wants to give you truth. You need to understand it is a process for her and she will get better over time. She has made the decision to be truthful to you, it takes time to work it out. It is not right to punish her for telling the truth you needed for so long.

Have you ever told one of your kids, "If you tell the truth about [the awful thing we all know you did] you won't be punished?" I sure have. She is telling you the truth. Time to suck it up and not punish her.

Please, please, please call the Harleys. How many ways do we need to say this before you do it?

6, we all feel for you so much and want to see you make it, for all of you. Especially your innocent children.

6years,

They don't call this stuff "the rollercoaster" for nothing. Are you really surprised? I am not. Most WW don't bale on their children, but she did. Most WW's do lie and she did. Most WW's are selfish, the affair is an act of selfishness that is hard to top, she was.

You really haven't learned anything new. I know it is a new FACT, but it is not new behavior. I know you don't trust her and this adds to that, but there is no need to trust her yet.

6years, calm down, take a deep breath and give this TIME AND PATIENCE. It takes lots of patience. You are now sensing why Harley eventually tells the BS to go to plan B, this stuff is draining.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

PS when you call the Harleys for an appointment, please tell them your user name and ask them to read your thread before the appointment. That will really help them get up to speed and help you quickly and effectively.

Chrysalis, JL;


I have been talking to my psych. But I made a huge mistake tonight and I am sleeping in the guest room now. I'm trying to work with my psych instead of the Harley's because I know him now and I get to see him in person. He does specialize in couples.

We were going to bed, and I just could not stop myself from asking if they had sex in this bed. She started to say it was a long time ago and deflect. But I insisted on knowing and she said yes. Then another horrible thought occurred and instead of waiting I asked, where were the twins? They were in the room in their play pen.

I went to the bathroom got sick and then came down here. I didn't say anything else, I don't know what to say. I have to pull myself together tomorrow for Sam and I'm a complete wreck. I'm going to try to sleep, I'll probably do ok since I'll be looking out for him.

6

When you ask the questions you HAVE to be ready for the answers. THEY ARE GOING TO HURT. Expect it.

As I've said earlier, make sure you don't punish her for telling the truth. Yes I know it hurts, but it hurts her too to tell you. Yet she did it because she is trying to be honest. She is trying to help you get the details you need. These new facts ARE NOT going to make you happy. None of it will be good. The ONLY good thing coming out of these Q&A sessiions is her honesty. She is trying. Please see that.

Get rid of the bed. Get a new one. That takes care of that.


6, what your W did 10 years ago was terrible, but she was just a typical WS. She did things to get her fix. She didn't care HOW she got it done, only that it was. It was all bad. The wheres, whens, whys didn't matter to her back then. Nothing was sacred. That is normal for a WS. They ALL are like that. She was not an over-the-top, evil-doing WS. She was playing the role. A's are all the same.

Please take care today. Be there for your son.

I know living through this right now is h3ll. But seeing the big picture from where I stand, this is the real beginning of your family's R. I hope you can begin to see that sooner rather than later.

All the best.