I have known for a few weeks now that my wife has been having what she calls an "emotional affair". She is currently deployed and the OM is out of her local area so they still converse regularly on webcam, phone and email.

I have already found pictures and so on that she has posted for him on her own little picture site that was set up exclusively for the OM.

She told me recently that she had spoken with him and that they decided to "just be friends". I knew it was another lie but went with anyhow, I guess in a useless effort to regain some trust. Now I find out that she has been naked webcamming very recently with him. I am not really concerned as much with the action as I am the deception. I figure she is going to do whatever she wants until she gets home and disengages form this relationship anyhow. So why worry about whats happening at this point?

When does it end? I am already prepared to leave the house when she gets back if she does not cut all ties with him upon returning. I will not speak to her until she does. I will stand my ground there.

She has agreed to go to marriage counseling but I am concerned that she has become such a good liar that she will just convince herself as well as others that she is not going to communicate with the OM and still do so when she has the chance.

I do not want to be the one that has to resort to tactics such as putting a key-logger on the laptop (which is legally mine by the way) or looking after phone records and so on.

Is that what I will have to do?

Basically, you have an unremorseful WW, who admits to an A and refuses to stop upon discovery. Your feelings in the matter are meaningless to her.

You will hear stories to the contrary, but you are VERY likely in a no win position. Assuming there are no children of the marriage to consider ... cut your losses and move on to someone that is made of marriage material.

I see where you are coming from but I will not be able to live with myself if I just let go without trying. I know that is can go either way. Work or not. But I feel like I owe it to myself to at least try. If she doesn't go long as she says she will then I at least know that I did what I could to reconcile.

We have been separated for the past 2 years due to deployments. In that time we have only spent, maybe,3 months together. I am hearing that my emotional bond with her was struggling prior to that. No communication of that until now. Being geographically separated that long does not help that in the least. I am not blaming the deployments I am just saying they have been no help in the matter. I know where I went wrong and I fully admitted to it. But I will not take blame for her actions.

I almost had an A while she was gone the first time. But I stopped short of actually doing it. Lots of emailing back and fourth but that is where it ended. I guess better judgement got a hold me at the last second. She knows about it. She questioned me and I told her the truth. We have not had an opportunity to deal with that face to face. That happened a year ago. She said she would forget but not forgive. Now I find out that she has not forgiven and it is eating her up. She does not know, at this point, if she can forgive or not.

She has never been like this. Her mental state is far from what it has been in the past. Sometimes, when I talk to her, I don't even know who the hell she is. She says she doesn't either. But all that is my fault not hers acording to her.

I made up my mind while I was at the grocery store just a bit ago that I am not going to email or call her anymore. She has a little over a month left there. Maybe this will help her end the A on her own. Maybe not. All I know is that I will just sit back and read from here on out. I am done chasing the truth only to get lied to. I will do that when she gets back and I can see her face to face. I will know right off if she is lying then.

If you want the best chance to save your marriage, follow the MB plans.

1. Do not cut contact with her right now. Plan A Plan A Plan A. There's a limit to what you can do while she's deployed, but be as loving and attentive as you can within the limitations.

2. Expose IMMEDIATELY to her CO. Family and friends, too. The military takes a dim view of adultery even in these times, so if one person doesn't help you, work your way up the chain of command till someone will do something. Most BS's don't have Uncle Sam to help bust up the affair, so make the most of this.

3. When she gets back, continue Plan A for 1 1/2 - 3 months, EVEN IF SHE IS STILL IN CONTACT WITH THE OM. Make this time count.

4. Go into a pitch black Plan B. Don't come out until she fully surrenders, and is willing to agree to NC and all extreme precautions.

If you truly want to repair your marriage, there is no better chance than this.

I agree with everything except introducing this to her COC. I think that will make things much worse than they already are. I think that with how I know her to be and how she is now that would spell marriage death with a quickness. Am I wrong in thinking that?

I mean she cannot physically get with him so I am not really overly concerned with that part of it anymore. I didn't find out (through my own intel) that this was happening until after he left. If he was military also I think I would be more apt to forward what I have to both of their superiors.

I just don't want to damage this anymore than it already has been. I do not want to harm her career. I am not that spiteful and would be miffed afterwards if that was me in her shoes. I know she in La La Land right now so I try to look past that and at what the consequences of me doing that would be.

She will be home in one month so I can sit back and laugh at all this until she gets back. I did get a laugh out of the recent emails so at least I can find the humor in it since I cannot do anything to stop it. I only laugh because she is lying so much. It's just not normally in her to be like that. Plus, the email is the only link I have to seeing the truth about what is going on so I cannot expose that until I am comfortable that she has turned back into a truthful person. At least truthful enough to deal with me like I should be dealt with.

I guess I will keep sending her emails so that she can fulfill all of her needs until I get to Plan B. I am just tired of doing that and being lied to. I guess that is the part of the game that I need to get used to for the time being. I am guessing that I cannot really count this time as Plan A. I will have to wait until she returns to "start that clock", right?

I was honest with her about my ordeal and I just want that in return. Why does it have to be so difficult!? (Rhetorical Question)

then by all means wait until they are physical with each other

I don't mean to sound insensitive but if you want this to stop right now before that then you need to follow the advice of people that have been there and wish they had your oppurtunity

I guess my point is that is if they already have been physically/sexually involved, which I am almost positive that they have been, then that is already over and done with. She will not have a way to see him at all from here on out. That is an impossibility at this point with where they both are now. There is no way possible for them to see each other now. He has moved on to another location and will not be back where she is at any time. Even if he does he has no way to get on the FOB. He does not possess the credentials to do so anymore. He quit working there and had to give that up to leave the job.

If he comes back I am sure that I will be able to fol;ow that through the emails. Its not too hard to figure that out.

Even when she returns there will be no possibility of that. She will be in one country and he will be in another.

Now if this continues and she continues to lie to me like she has recently for good time after she returns then I may take that approach. That is something that I am reluctant to do now just because of the long lasting effects on her career and destroying our chances of recovering from this. I want to try this the right/clean way first. If it doesn't work, then hey, I can play dirty too!

Not get in where WW works. Can't WW meet him outside of the facility? Can't either one get a leave/time off and meet some where else but work?

perioguy,

Both of you are obviously very immature. Most of us have been at that point in our lives also. A sign of maturity is finally realizing that your have really been "clueless" and start listening to those with the wisdom gained from experience.

Your "plan", or really a lack thereof, is doomed to failure due to your inaction when ACTION is required most.

Personally, my experience tells me that you should run, not walk, away from this trainwreck of a WW.

However, like most of us guys in our youth, you have a need to learn your lessons from the "School of Hard Knocks", so if you REALLY want to attempt to save this, you better start taking some SERIOUS ACTION.

Sure, your WW will be mad as he11 that you are spoiling her little party, but so what ... SHE can get over being angry ... YOU will never get over having a 3rd party in your M.

BTW, WHERE IS YOUR ANGER???

Your WW is screwing another man, exchanging pics and nude webcamming and you sit there LAUGHING at their email exchanges. Exactly what does it take to pi$$ you off, enough to take some action? Do you really enjoy being humiliated and having your faced rubbed in HER infidelity?

Where in all of this is she concerned with you? your job? your sanity? your love for her? You have all this love and concern and from her nothing but lies at this point. I remember being where your at, not wanting to rock the boat worse then it is. One day you'll be mad enough to do what it takes.

So sitting back and laughing at this is the answer? Do you want your M to be worked on? Yes its hard when one is deployed elsewhere but at the same time steps can be done. Obviously you have access to her email if you are getting what they are sending each other.

Shes so in the fog and if she wants the M to work she needs to go NC with OM.

I agree who says they wont meet up when she has a week leave or something of that nature.

You post sounds like you love your WW but at the same time I get a chill down my back reading what you are saying. Sounds like you are ready to give up. Theres alot to work on if you want a great M. MC needs to happien and not just with her current A with your past A back up.

Nope, its an impossibility at this point. Not going to happen.

You may be right. But I have to do this, right now, as I see fit. At least for the moment. That may change by tomorrow, I don't know.

Anger - I have had it with being angry. I cannot control another persons actions. All I can do is do what is right for me at this point. Whatever she does is her doing. I will just keep tabs so I have the info I need to make an informed decision down the road if it comes to that.

I am not ready to give up but I am not too sure what I can do besides be here for her and keep telling her that I love and car for her at this time. I have read up on the "stages" of an A here on the site. A lot of what is happening makes sense to me. That may sound weird, but that is my sanity. Making sense of something so crazy. As much as I can at least.

She is unwilling to break contact with the OM at this point and actually told me today in her fit of anger that she will never cut ties.

I just sent her a note saying that I will be taking a leave of absence for a few days. I got very angry and said some things I shouldn't have today. I need time to get my head straight again. I don't enjoy loosing control like I did today.