My wife has been with her parents for about three weeks. She asked for space and no contact. The counsellar said I need to give that, and I could only last a day maximum. Now the plan is to give her two, three, maybe four weeks of no contact. Then I will come to her house, (which is four hours away), to show her that I have taken positive steps and then see what she will say. BAsically I am going to have to try to win her back. What do you guys think? The most I have ever gone without contacting her by phone, is two days. I am on day two now....

We need more details.

Bored at work so I cut and paste it to help the new person...

9/6/2008
My wife and I were married for three years. We always fought and we were never happy. But I still love her. She came with her parents and took all her things. We came to the agreement that she wants space and then will see how things are. I am seeing a counsellor and have changed my life in positive ways so I can give her something to come back to. She has not book a counsellar yet, its been over week since she said so. She is going to be starting school next week so that will occupy most of her time. She is in another city with her parents. She is going out to dinner and stuff with friends. Should I keep making these changes, and expect that she will as well. My counsellar said to wait and give her space.

9/19
My wife moved into her parents house, which is few hours away. As of right now, she says that things are at a stand still and she has made no descion either way. She needs her space so she can focus on her schooling. I am seeing a counsellar who says to give her space. I am an obsessive phone caller, but am working on that. Both our parents have talked and after her dad speaking rudely to my dad, and me giving her dad both sides of the story, I guess they came to the descison that "things cant be rushed". What do I make of this situation. If you want more details I can post them.

I have been adivsed not call her, and then to make a call and ask where things stand, even if thats a month from now.




My advise: determine if she needs space because she is seeing somebody else... and if that is the case... determine if you want to fight for her back.

"I need space" is a common code phrase around here... usually means something else.

Hi

This is my post as well....let me know if you need more details. I am 99% sure there is no other guy. She has no opprotunity to meet someone and she cant where she is living now, because its a small town and her parents rep. is at stake. I am worried that she will forget about me because I am not in contact with her. I do want to make these changes with myself and make myself at least look strong and confident.

isn,

While I can certainly appreciate your feelings of her forgetting about you, and the nervousness you probably feel inside, I have to tell you from personal experience that it will never happen.

I, like it seems you, get those very strong feelings of abandonment inside when my partner leaves, used to make me sick to my stomach. I've learned having sufficient space within your relationship is necessary and likely what your W needs. Mind did. I had to learn to trust myself and her. To learn to sooth my own feelings of distress and anxiety before she would feel really comfortable being close to me.

Think of it like this: Who really wants to be with a needy, clingy, wimpy man? Would you? Does anyone really want to be with someone who's not at least mostly comfortable being with themselves? Asking myself these tough questions and answering them honestly gave me a lot to work on while she was away. I came to realize that in many ways I had been smothering my W with my neediness and clinging. She's a person that needs and feels more 'whole' when she gets space. So I've had to learn to make sure she gets it.

Some suggested reading: Hold onto your NUTS, and No More Mr Nice Guy. Great books for men like us.

Good luck!

- TTM

i disagree with that advise

while no healthy woman would want a wimpy, clingy wimp for a husband... that does not necessarily mean he needs to give her space with absolutely no contact while she lives with her parents for the next month

you can still act like a man by sending flowers, letters, a call to say i know you need your space but i still love you and i want to change to better the relationship myself sorta thing would be appropriate

I agree, but I think TTM was just suggesting that he make sure it wasn't his issue in the first place that drove her to 'need space.' My H would be perfectly content if he, I and our D18 never saw another person in the world. That's his dream life - just us. My IC last night told me and D18 that my H has extreme abandonment fears that cause him to want to be by my side every single hour of every day, were it possible. That we have to show him that just because D18 wants to be with her friends doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with him - but that's how he takes it!

Do you know what I've asked for as a present for nearly every year for the last 15 years? For H to take D18 and go take a weekend vacation and leave me alone in my house. I crave it that much - that alone time. That space. When I ask why he never gives me the present I ask for, he says he thinks I'm just joking (i.e., couldn't possibly want to be away from them).

He calls me every day when he leaves work and talks for up to an hour about his work. If I say I have to go to the store, he asks why I couldn't do it before he gets home. Or he goes with me. If I say I want to visit a friend, he asks why I have to go.

It's suffocating, and I always have to defend my needs and actions against being with him all the time. I would never have an affair, but that doesn't make me not want to be alone for a month, just so I can have that space. And it's enough of a problem that I would consider leaving him, to get it.

If that's their case, as he says he has to call and talk to her all the time, he definitely needs to address it.

Catperson,

You're right on with what I was suggesting, and your situation is what I was referring to, although it does sound like you have an extreme case on your hands.

I don't think sending flowers, calling every day is appropriate or displays anything that resembles being a man. Being a man, I have come to believe, has zero to do with buying stuff, or 'checking up' on your loved one and everything to do with facing your fears, and communicating openly and honestly with your spouse, when she's open to hear it. There is a time and place to stand for what you want, and a time to be patient.

If she's asking for time and space, give it to her. Why not? I don't think it's inappropriate at all. And if the situation is like catperson's which I think it seems a little that it is, then the very thing that may save the marriage is space from each other.

What I picked up on was a sense of panic that it's been two days and he hasn't talked with his spouse. Is that cause for alarm? Doubtful.

I'm just saying that I recognize those fears of abandonment because I've lived through them, and faced those demons myself.

Her need for 'space' is not wrong, or bad. Give her time to miss you, instead of being in her face everyday.

Learn to take care of yourself, and be happy when apart from your significant other.

First be a human being at peace with one's self, then enjoy the partner that is there to help.

That's my philosophy anyway..

Then again, you know what they say, "my thoughts plus a dollar, can't even get you a cup of coffee anymore!"

- TTM

:Her need for 'space' is not wrong, or bad. Give her time to miss you, instead of being in her face everyday.

Learn to take care of yourself, and be happy when apart from your significant other.

First be a human being at peace with one's self, then enjoy the partner that is there to help."

That is exactly what I am trying to do. But I am afraid she will just move on. Its been three days, and thats the most we have gone without talking ever.

Personally, I'd tell her if she doesn't come home TODAY, her 'space' will be permanent.

But that's just me.

Hang in there, I'm sure this is very difficult for you. Change is often difficult, but many times necessary, ya know?

iam -

So you think telling your spouse what to do, and how to act with implied threat is a the best way to lead them back to loving you? Is that what I'm hearing you say?

I've not found that personally to be useful, but if it works for you, that's cool.


Best wishes!

- TTM

When I have given her enough space and I feel that I need to talk to her, what should I do?

She is in another town, and I dont want to talk on the phone, cuz five years together, the least she can give me is a face to face talk.

Here is my plan: I will show up at her place in new clothes (cuz I never did that with her), and looking better and talking differently. In hopes that she can see the changes in me. Then we can talk. I dont know, any ideas?

isn, what do you think about the other stuff we asked about? About being clingy, or needy, etc.? What does she mean when she says she needs space? Have you investigated to see if there's another man, even if he's just a friend? How have you contributed to this need?

If I were her (and not having an affair), seeing new clothes on you would do nothing. It would make me distrust you. The only thing that would make a difference is seeing you change the way you live your life, not what you wear or say.

Well, I am not thinking that my clothes will be the deciding factor. I am making changes physically and in the way that I think.

isn - I feel for you mate - I'm in a very similar situation at the moment myself. I can definately sympathise with your internal panic.

After two days of my wife's lock down I went searching for help and found this site - after reading lot's of the articles I came to very clear understanding of what had transpired inside me and what has probably transpired inside my wife.

You will need that insight to understand what she needs. You will need to know what things have been occuring that have reduced her feelings of emotional closeness to you.

Once I gave up the crusade to appeal to her for forgiveness and another chance I have focussed on making the changes I think she needs to see. I have moments of panic still but you appealing to her prob isn't going to break thru the barrier at the moment.

do you wanna exchange emails?

I'm hardly a long term veteran here. It's only been two weeks since my wife shut up shop. And I haven't exactly Plan A'd 100% correctly either but I've been putting in a big effort. I would recommend learning the basic concepts on the main site and then doing antyhing you can to avoid things that would be considered a LB (love buster) and focus on trying to find out and meet her EN (emotional needs).

There are members who have successfully reconnected with their partners by recognising, and making changes within themselves to save their relationships.

You are far from alone unfortunately.

I just dont know....its been six days since we had contact. She text me to say that she wants authorization to change cell phone plans. so I called her and we talked for 1.5 hours. I told her about my feelings, I cried etc...she really didnt say anything about hers. She did cry when I talked about the dogs, cuz they were important to her. She wants her cellphone under her name, so she can learn how to be responsible for things, and not depend on people. I told her that this is wrong, because it is another cut at any ties we have left. So the cellphone is now under her name, she will have to pay for it. I told her, that I am still her husband and am not wanting her to pay cuz she is not working and in school.....

Does she want to explore her independence? Or am I loosing her even more...

P.S.

She is not cheating....lol

If you can prevent the phone change over still I would. One reason she would want to change her phone is to keep something hidden or secret.

Once you understand the concept of the love bank and and emotional needs you will see how over time of becoming unhappier and unhappier, people tend to become more open to others meeting those needs.

If your post was in the Infedelity General questions 2 forum you would get bombarded with a mass of Red Flag warnings. It would be prudent to keep that possibility open and snoop how ever you can, painful as that prospect might be.

Keeping the phone account would be ideal - even if you can drag it out so she doesn't just get another one.

What was your relationship like before she left? Who made what decisions? What was her family life like? Did she leave her family and move straight in with you? Her comment may be very valid, if you more or less took over the role of her parent.